Our DD estranged us then went off to university

DogWhispere Firstly, my fullsympathy. You a re in a horrible situation. Being estranged and not knowing the reason, is, I think, the worst kind of estrangement.

However, you are not alone in this many families are in this situation. I think the first thing you need to do is stop hiding it and be honest and straight forward with people. Simply tell people that since your daughter went to university she has cut herself off from her family and nobody knows why. It stops you accidentally saying anything, having constantly to make up stories and tell lies. Just admit it, then make it clear the subject is not up for discussion.

People estrange themselves from their families for all kinds of reasons, good and bad, and many of those reasons have little directly to do with their family. I as virtually estranged from my sister for decades and I had no idea why. When it was finally discussed the cause was something our mother had done that my youngest sister had completely misinterpreted and nothing to do with anything I had ever done or said.

There can also be reasons outside the family. She could have got involved with a cult or other group.

Whatever it is, she has cut herself off from the family. The easiiest and best thing to do is to acknowledge it publically then go one doing what you are doing contacting her every few months.

That is, actually all you can do. My experience from other people is that keepig quiet and playing it low key is far more successful in the long-term than pressing the issue, this only makes the estarngement more entrenched.

our children are individuals formed of a cocktaial of genes from two families and this can produce some complex and nexplicable attitudes to life and their family.

faced with this, parents are helpless. All we can do is hunker down and soldier on,

Hope this doesn’t upset you as you have enough of that already but some people are just concerned about themselves and don’t worry or think about anybody else until they need something!

I have a friend with twin daughters who she brought up by herself after her husband died. She devoted her life to them and gave up so much. They went to Uni and qualified as doctors and then had hardly anything to do with her. She was very hurt as all their former schoolmates and their parents were always asking after them.

Years went by and they only got back in touch when they had babies and needed free childcare. Obviously she was pleased to help but still upset about the missing years and she said nothing in case it stirred up more trouble.

Maybe your daughter will call you when she needs you.

She sounds very selfish to me, unless there is something you're not telling us.

Fabulous post M0nica.

I am probably completely wrong but I don't think I would be treading as carefully as you are.

Obviously something is deeply wrong and you are guarantor for her flat - so somehow (maybe with help from those who are still in touch with her) - you need some sort of meeting.

Sorry, my above post probably sounded unsympathetic. It must be absolutely horrible for you - it must be driving you mad not knowing the reasons.

I am only guessing, but it seems she has decided to be independent. She felt you couldn’t support her in the way she was expecting and she perhaps resented it. At least by working for a year and cutting all contact she will have been able to get a higher student loan and maybe some sort of bursary or grant, as an independent student.
I think you may have given her mixed messages during her A level year, when she should have been concentrating on studying. I can’t quite see why she could not have worked part time to bridge the gap between her costs and whatever funding was available, but she must have worked and saved hard to be able to go to university after a year. I think you could be proud of her; after all, we bring up our children so that eventually they can lead independent lives, and you have succeeded, though not in the way you expected. I hope she will come round in due course, maybe when she graduates, if only to say,I told you so.
Having said all that, I do feel for you.

Skydancer

I think she is angry with you as you could not fund what she wanted. In my experience, AC often think their parents have endless money and she probably thinks you were unreasonable. I think she has therefore got a flat and gone to uni to "show you" that she can do it on her own without your help. She sounds resentful but one day I'm certain will see it from your perspective.

I think you are wrong here.
I di not think its anything to do with not being funded. I think she wanted to be independent when going to university and did not want her parents to try to put her off/delay/imply that they needed to help her.

She has now done it anyway.

But good news that her relationship with her brother is good, and that she has spoken to him a couple of times.

I would say I was sorry that thus rift has occurred and would very much like to put it right if she could ever see a way to that.
And I would tell her I loved her irrespective of what's happened.

Welbeck , I do understand your thoughts but there had been no contact for 3 years !! I recognize the importance of respecting the privacy of AC . Asking her is not assuming she is unhappy it is giving her the opportunity to communicate if she wants to - the alternative is to carry on in the same way and where has that got anyone ? If people always do what they have always done they get what they have always had! I maintain my opinion and other than 'grasping the nettle ' I see no other way of improving this situation. The longer people are estranged the harder it is to reconnect. If the girl really does want to remain estranged indefinitely she is of course entitled to do that, therefore by intervening I fail to see it can make things any worse than they already are. I have not been in this situation so recognize I am not qualified to advise. All I can do is rely on my instincts. In Dog W. position I am fairly confident in how I would try to end the estrangement. May be I am alone in my opinion?

No you are not alone in your opinion Shelflife. You are quite right that the longer people are estranged, the harder it is to reconnect and not just for the one whose estranged, but the ones they've estranged from.

Had I thought that 'grasping the nettle' may have aided a resolution, I'd have done so with both hands .

Thankyou smileless, in that position as a Mum I would indeed grasp the nettle , can't make things any worse !! As a parent I would definitely do that.

I understand how you feel DogWhisperer, been through it. I just send cards for birthdays and Christmas. You can’t make anyone want you if they don't, you can’t know her problems if she doesn’t want you to know,
Next card I would put a message in, miss you but know you have your reasons for not seeing us, there’s nothing you can’t talk to me about, but I respect your wishes, so will carry on as you want
I know a lot wouldn’t agree with it, I did that or with very similar wording, but she has never got in touch, she’s just happier on her own. I’ve made a different life now and I wouldn’t know how to talk with her now. Been too long.
Don’t waste your life thinking over what you’ve done or not done, you did your best, no one can do more..

When she talked of her University plans - were you enthusiastic, excepting the financial issues, or did you try to put her off or talk her out of it? I wonder if she has somehow got the impression that you don't actually support her going to University and feels she needs to do it by herself.

When you went to see her and she refused to let you in - did you call in advance to say you were coming or did you just turn up?


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My experience of estrangement is that 'grasping the nettle' is more likely to lead to an acrimonious and final total estrangement, compared with playing the long game.

This young woman is still in contact with her brother and does not block or send abusive replies to the emails her mother is sending and that makes a change in the situation much easier without any loss of face for the person who has separated themselves for their family.

If there was an easy solution to these kinds of problems, they wouldn't be the problems they are.

My heart goes out to you it really does you have been given some good advice here. I hope some day you find a way to resolve this situation between you and your daughter or at least get answers.
You need a (hug) please confide with your friends don’t bottle it up💐

If I was the OP I would ignore all those posts suggesting that she must have done something wrong, somehow, somewhere.

This is not only no help, but also untrue. Many estrangements happen when the estranged person comes under the control of a stronger more charismatic person, whether a girlfriend or boyfriend, cult leader or school of psychology or other that feeds on the power of estrangement. Sometimes the person has some traumatic experience that leads themselves to distance themselves from friends and family.

I think that the OP has got her responses spot on, and if rapprochment is ever to arise, it is her current behaviour that will enable it.

I never experience estrangement, so perhaps I am not qualified to offer any advice.

Do not mean to upset you but I kind of agree with Cold. The cause of estrangement could well be the fact that your daughter feels that you and your DH did not support her decision to go to university and to go to university, she had to do it all alone without any parental support.

If it were me, I will drop her an email to say how sorry I am that she feels this way, and then offer some sort of olive branch to remedy the situation.

Eg; Your dad and I have decided that the right thing to do now is to support you through your third year of study.
And then make some arrangements to make a standing order (whatever you can afford) into her bank account.

Even if you received radio silence after this email, it does not matter. You have done your bit, the ball is now in her court. She can contact you again when she feels ready.

Thank you once again everyone for all the suggestions, they have been really helpful. I guess my intention in posting here was to try to get some ideas to move things forward if I can, because after 3 years nothing seems to have changed. You have certainly given me some things to try so thanks once again. I have already sent the Xmas e-card!

If it were me, I will drop her an email to say how sorry I am that she feels this way

I would suggest not to say anything that suggests you know (or suspect) anything she is feeling. Her feelings are her own and if she is annoyed with you I fear that may make her feel further annoyed.

Olive branches however are good - and even if they don't work, you know you have tried.

Thinking of you.

I agree NotSpaghetti verbalising what you think may be the problem can easily backfire if you're wrong.

Sibling rivalry/jealousy can cause all sorts of problems within families. DW and her husband may not have been in a position to help their daughter out financially with university, but acted as guarantors so she could have her own flat and purchased some furniture which enabled her to have her own home.

Well done DogWhisperer. I hope you hear from her soon. 💐

I agree with the advice from Allsorts.

Keeping sending little messages which just get ignored is no good for the OP. How can she move on when she is always waiting for that reply that never comes. The daughter is leaving her Mum dangling and that is very unfair and unkind. She has the upper hand and she knows it. Would it really hurt her to just send a very brief reply saying she is OK?

DogWhisperer

Thank you once again everyone for all the suggestions, they have been really helpful. I guess my intention in posting here was to try to get some ideas to move things forward if I can, because after 3 years nothing seems to have changed. You have certainly given me some things to try so thanks once again. I have already sent the Xmas e-card!

Well done sending a card. Now wait for whatever may happen.

I think you might make time whilst waiting to reflect and self-examine what the problems may perhaps encompass.

Through our daughters I know some people resent parents who didn't pay for uni. Through friends I know that some young parents resent their mum attempting to take over childminding. Others who resent parents who drank or parents who abused by smacking. Self reflection on possible causes can never hurt, imo.

Something strange here.
Based entirely on the information the OP has given, it seems that the daughter, academically bright and expecting to go to university, is very resentful about the lack of support from her parents in the year she is taking A levels and applying for a university place. No-one writes out cheques 'for three or four years of university'; the family's financial situation is taken into account with regard to loans, and it is perfectly possible for students with little financial backing to attend university. The lack of money, 'a difficult patch with my work' seems to have been temporary; I think the daughter found it hard to accept that she should defer her place, work for a year to save money or choose a cheaper university; She was eighteen.
Surprisingly she was helped to rent a flat, which she would pay for out of her earnings, (what sort of wage does a girl straight out of school get to pay rent on her flat, and save?). Some furniture was provided, but 'we never got the furniture back that we paid for' so obviously not a gift.
Three years pass with no communication other than sending her a six monthly email and hearing snippets from her grandmother? I would be out of my mind with worry; the Op seems extremely calm.
Much more to this, I think.

Posted too soon.
I am aware that people want to keep details of their family lives private and I do not expect them to be made available to me; I just find the situation and the posts about it very strange.