Gifts to GC when estranged

Madgran77

I cant see anything that DL has said that suggests she was judging anyone to be honest but I know that perceptions can differ.

Similarly I cant see anything that she has said that suggests she wasnt cautious when deciding to allow a relationship to develop with her mother but again, I know perceptions can differ

DL I'm glad that you were able to, as you call it, "call a truce" in your circumstances with your mother and that your children have golden memories 🙂

So am I…my kids have wonderful memories of my mum and dad - they still miss them terribly.

I wouldn’t change a thing. 🙂

Diamondlily replied to me, I replied back with my own thoughts

It's not deep

If I say "I like oranges" that doesn't imply someone else doesn't

Just as if I say "I wouldn't judge someone in xyz context" that doesn't imply someone else would

It took me a little while to understand what the issue was because I just understand that people are different and individual and sharing their own valid comments so I'm not looking for something that isn't there

"I'm not looking for something that isn't there" let's be clear, I do think others do do that for some reason

I have no problem owning what I mean

When a parent makes the decision to estrange the grandparents he or she is denying their children a relationship with them, some do it because of abuse and no one would argue with, some who do it have mental health issues, some out of if spite or jealousy , just because the parent have the final word, like the control, doesn’t mean it’s best for a child. I know from experience grandchildren usually seek out grandparents and make up their own mind. I didn’t do a memory box but I sent cards, because one day the parent won’t intercept the post.
Do hope this doesn’t spiral outof control as it did before. I would advise not responding.

As I’ve said - we all do what we feel best in our own circumstances.

No one should be judging anyone - disability issues taught me that unless you’ve walked a mile in someone shoes, it’s pointless trying to advise on their footwear (metaphorically).

Do what you feel best. 🙂

Ensure what you are doing is best for the grandchild

If it is not, that is all they will take from it

The best revenge is always happiness, not more destruction towards a blameless family member

@Smiless the reason why I said 16 was because as you’re allowed to marry then legally could my GS go without his parents. I’d like to be alive when this happens too , that’s important to me . Hopefully I would be alive at 75 . My thinking would be that the box would be opened in the presence of the solicitor because at the moment the nastiness shown towards me by my AS knows no bounds . He’d almost certainly try to ban the contents being read .
I would put some items of family history in as well as the cards and , no I wouldn’t send the child on a guilt trip . It feels surreal to be discussing this because when you realise you’re about to become a Nan , unless you’ve committed some heinous acts , you naturally assume you’ll be in their life don’t you xxx

I don’t think a solicitor would get involved in this. The usual way would be that the GC would be given the box, when you die, and would open it or not.

You could, perhaps, specify that the child is over 18, if you die before that age.

It has to be their choice.

It’s difficult.

The problem here is that as you've said LadySu. It's something that is important to you. Wanting it to be opened when you want on your terms. I feel if it was genuinely for the GC then it wouldn't be about your wants and needs but about theirs and when best for them to have the opportunity and decision to open it. Not when and what you want.

Ladysuisei

@Smiless the reason why I said 16 was because as you’re allowed to marry then legally could my GS go without his parents. I’d like to be alive when this happens too , that’s important to me . Hopefully I would be alive at 75 . My thinking would be that the box would be opened in the presence of the solicitor because at the moment the nastiness shown towards me by my AS knows no bounds . He’d almost certainly try to ban the contents being read .
I would put some items of family history in as well as the cards and , no I wouldn’t send the child on a guilt trip . It feels surreal to be discussing this because when you realise you’re about to become a Nan , unless you’ve committed some heinous acts , you naturally assume you’ll be in their life don’t you xxx

I would wait until the child is born. Life can change, and any family friction could resolve itself.

If not, then, yes, do a memory box, but I don’t think you can insist on when are where it’s given.

@madgran thanks for your reply . Yes obviously writing something inflammatory on a card could cause so much suffering it’s not something I would do .

The only reason for suggesting a box at a younger age is so that I’m still alive when they receive it . That would give an opportunity for possible contact . Surely there’s so much regret with this sort of thing , an opportunity for a meeting or something might be nice . I don’t know ?

Yeah whilst running through my ideas on this and thoughts about a solicitor involvement, I probably meant that give the young person the opportunity to open it with someone who isn’t a parent . I know that I’d be excited getting some family heritage handed to me in a box from a solicitor. I was quite an adventurous and inquiring child , young person though .

I’m finding this so hard - I’m trying to remain detached because I just keep crying about this. I have always been so close to my so and his wife , I’d never have believed this happening . This morning my son said “ no relationship “ then later went on to say “ possibly after some time ? “ “ maybe st a point in the future “ . It’s so confusing. He was particularly nasty today , about my late partner’s ashes which I’ve “ neglected “ by keeping them in storage until I feel ready to deal with them . Hopefully I’ll be joining him soon because I frankly feel so depressed by my life . When you invest everything into your family and they turn on you , it’s such a horrible shock . Xxx

Ladysuisei

@madgran thanks for your reply . Yes obviously writing something inflammatory on a card could cause so much suffering it’s not something I would do .

The only reason for suggesting a box at a younger age is so that I’m still alive when they receive it . That would give an opportunity for possible contact . Surely there’s so much regret with this sort of thing , an opportunity for a meeting or something might be nice . I don’t know ?

Yeah whilst running through my ideas on this and thoughts about a solicitor involvement, I probably meant that give the young person the opportunity to open it with someone who isn’t a parent . I know that I’d be excited getting some family heritage handed to me in a box from a solicitor. I was quite an adventurous and inquiring child , young person though .

I’m finding this so hard - I’m trying to remain detached because I just keep crying about this. I have always been so close to my so and his wife , I’d never have believed this happening . This morning my son said “ no relationship “ then later went on to say “ possibly after some time ? “ “ maybe st a point in the future “ . It’s so confusing. He was particularly nasty today , about my late partner’s ashes which I’ve “ neglected “ by keeping them in storage until I feel ready to deal with them . Hopefully I’ll be joining him soon because I frankly feel so depressed by my life . When you invest everything into your family and they turn on you , it’s such a horrible shock . Xxx

As I’ve said, I would ignore any remarks about your late partner’s ashes. That has nothing to do with anyone but you.

Quite honestly, I’d build my own lie, and stop investing so much in your son and what he might want.

He’s pulling your strings with vague promises, and I wouldn’t let him.

Stand back a bit.💐

Life, not lie.🙄

No one should be judging anyone absolutely DL because unless you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you're not in a position to judge.

What may feel right for some, wont feel right for others, so we can only do what we believe to be best in our individual circumstances.

Of course it's important to Ladysu Otter, why wouldn't it be? I think it's unfair to imply that her motives for leaving a memory box aren't genuine.

It goes without saying that EGP's leaving their EGC a memory box are doing so because it's something we want. We want them to know we loved them.

Yes, I realise that Ladysu but at 16 they will still be in the majority of cases, under the care and influence of their parents, which is why I suggested an age when they are older and able to make their own decisions.

It must feel both surreal and heartbreaking to even be thinking about this when your GC hasn't even been born yet .

It isn't uncommon for GC to seek out their GP's Allsorts. Personally, we know of one GM who this has happened too. Her GD made contact with her several years ago when the GD was in her 20's and they've been seeing one another ever since.

The last we heard her mum had no idea she was seeing her. It's a shame when an AC feels they cannot be open and honest with their parent(s) isn't it.

I never implied her motives weren't genuine, just that the recipients interests should come first. Ie, at an appropriate age and not with caveats such as must be opened in front of the solicitor is all. I get that navigating all of this from all sides is very difficult

@DiamondLily
Thank you for your reply . I know I’m getting ahead of myself but I feel pessimistic and I’m trying to manage my expectations. This will obviously take a lot of adjustment because it was quite recently that my son said no relationship with my GS as opposed to using it as a permanent threat . Honestly this , on top of the grief has nearly tipped me over the edge - someone with less compassion than I have might be handling it differently. I don’t get angry, I just feel despair. Of course parents hold all the cards and don’t they know it . I could accept the situation if I’d been abusive or nasty but being over protective because of my high anxiety is hardly a crime . This combined with immense grief over the last year has nearly killed me . I do regularly have suicidal thoughts but I’ve not acted .
I’m in the middle of a housing association flat swap at the moment which is adding more stress into this equation.
I realise things can change so this is always in my mind . I won’t make further plans for a memory box until it’s absolutely necessary. I keep asking my AS if there’s anything I can do to change the situation and no there isn’t anything at the moment, apparently it’s just time

@DiamondLily you’re right I need to break away a bit from my son and his wife . Because of my severe anxiety I do find it difficult to go out with people I don’t know very well. When I move ( 🤞) it’s a bit more isolated so I fear this new place might be my new prison .
I know my late partner’s ashes are none of my son’s business but you quite rightly say he’s pulling my strings . He knows how guilty I’ll be feeling, but he won’t care .
I’m slowly taking a step back , but finding this difficult. I know I’ve relied on him , but that’s what we used to do x.

@smiles thank you for your reply . As you’ve pointed out my motivation for leaving a memory box is genuine. Like you , we want our GC to know that we love them and think about them . The reason for exploring different options like solicitors etc and when to hand it over is purely to stop the parents from interfering and stopping the box being opened. I think once you get to a certain stage of estrangement, things must get quite bitter and of course the trust is gone . Even at this stage before it’s happened , I’m finding it difficult to trust my AS . His character has changed so much and sadly he’s no longer trustworthy. I like to think I have capacity for forgiveness but I must protect myself in the future if we remain in touch . I can be a bit soft and I don’t want to be hurt like this again.
It is surreal thinking about this in advance of it happening because my AS left today ( in a foul mood ) saying see you next Sunday. I don’t think I want to stay in touch if these visits dwindle much further though , because I was used to seeing him a few times a week and in order to branch out myself I feel I need to set my own boundaries. If his reasons for less visits are genuine then that’s ok . If he just can’t be bothered then that’s not ok and I might be tempted to tell him I’m considering showing him the door .
Of course my life is so different from when my partner was alive . We had a wonderful relationship and partnership and it wouldn’t have bothered me telling my AS to stay away for a while . I think that would do him good - he knows I’m vulnerable these days which makes his treatment of me particularly cruel.
As you pointed out to @Allsorts if there’s a chance a GC might seek out an estranged GP then I want this to be me please !
@Otter99 I believe everyone has the right to know about their family, so part of the reason for leaving a memory box would be to give them information too xxx.

So much of your life has changed in just over a year Ladysu, it's a lot to have to process. The current situation with your son would be heart breakingly difficult to deal with if you still had your partner at your side. So much more difficult to face alone .

@smiles yes , without my beloved partner by my side everything in life is so difficult. Making decisions about lots of things becomes insurmountable on your own after being with someone for 20 years . All I know is this situation would be bearable with my partner because I’d simply walk away fro my AS and my GC until they all came to their senses

Ladysuisei

@DiamondLily you’re right I need to break away a bit from my son and his wife . Because of my severe anxiety I do find it difficult to go out with people I don’t know very well. When I move ( 🤞) it’s a bit more isolated so I fear this new place might be my new prison .
I know my late partner’s ashes are none of my son’s business but you quite rightly say he’s pulling my strings . He knows how guilty I’ll be feeling, but he won’t care .
I’m slowly taking a step back , but finding this difficult. I know I’ve relied on him , but that’s what we used to do x.

Being on the same position as you, with regard to recently losing my DH, I think you need to accept that all of your emotions are heightened.

Anger, stress, grief, anxiety are all amplified. Added stress on top of loss just adds to the fray.

You’re moving house, which is stress at the best of times. I’ve not moved, only reorganised, and it’s left me in tears more than once.

I’ve got family stress going on at the moment. Not with my kids, with the ex of my GS. She’s made our lives a misery at times, with a baby caught in the middle.

But, I’ve learned, with her, not to fly into one. I just respond, legally, to her nonsense. Different scenario to you, of course, but she’s not pulling my strings.

If you’re sure the move will be good for you, then go for it. If it’s isolated, think to the future, if you can’t drive.

The one thing I have learned, over the year, is that people around is a distraction from the loss.

It doesn’t have to be family - it can be friends or neighbours. It can also be online or over the phone.

Just try and stand back from your son’s carry on, and concentrate on you.

Best wishes. 💐

@Diamondlily yes emotions of all sorts are still running high . I do feel incredibly unsettled in general but I’m beginning to realise that I need to step back from my son . I haven’t processed my loss yet . I’m still in shock actually as it was extremely sudden and unexpected. The issue with housing is that I’ve moved out from the rental which I shared with my partner into a flat that’s turned out to be unsuitable. The area isn’t good and I don’t feel safe . If I could get my anxiety under control I’d be able to consider driving again. I’d take a refresher course and this could solve a lot of problems for me . I did enjoy driving and I was confident behind the wheel. I wonder if I could consider this again. For a number of years my partner did all the driving , something else which we never thought would be an issue until his sudden death . I can easily get taxis , that’s not a problem and my sister helps me out too . I have friends who will come to visit me so I’m not totally isolated and I think when you’re renting it’s easier to change your living situation than if you’ve a house to sell .
I do feel that my AS and his wife had unrealistic expectations of my grieving experience. They are young enough to believe this will never affect them and they’ve probably been shocked by just how my emotions have taken a battering . I would have expected compassion though with a bit more understanding, rather than nastiness and cruelty .

I hope you are doing ok and I wish you all the best too

How nice to see you back DL

Allsorts

How nice to see you back DL

Thank you. I’ve been offline a while to get my head straight, but it’s nice to be back. Hope you’re well 💐