Strength after narcissistic abuse

Kate1949

What about physical abuse and neglect? How do we forgive that? Any ideas?

I don't think you have to forgive anything

I don't really understand why people set so much stock in forgiveness when sometimes, not forgiving someone is exactly what you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other

Thank you both. I will never forgive them.

Yes VS putting one foot in front of the other is all we can do. Keep doing so!

@VioletSky your therapist may well have used the word narcissist in general terms but she certainly would NOT have been offering any diagnosis. This would be unprofessional as well as unethical and probably incorrect. The word was simply used in response to the information given to her by you which may or may not have been accurate.!

I will never forgive my narcissistic mother either.
She is dead now and I thank God for every day I have on this earth without her.
I still live with the damage she has done and still have family members I no longer speak to because they believed her lies.
Narcissistics are toxic people.

Ladysuisei
You're right, such terms are bandied about too freely now without a medical diagnosis which does tend to belittle the difficulties some people live with.

I do sympathise with you, I had a friend who had OCD and it made her life extremely difficult, and I also know a young man who has been diagnosed with it. He is not able to work because of this condition.

I feel sorry for anyone who had abusive parents too, such a tragedy for a child and a burden in later life until someone can come to terms with the fact that it was not their fault.

Narcissism is a personality disorder.
However it is frequently undiagnosed because narcissistic people don’t see they have a problem, they believe they are right, so the consequence is that they rarely seek professional help.
I have read this several times, written by several different people.

@kate1949
Very sadly this is something completely different and as someone else has said probably can’t be forgiven. X

Ladysuisei

Hello everyone on this thread - I read the article with interest . Actually when I opened the link I expected to see something from a medical paper or something similar.
This is piece of writing that’s been Goigled on line .
What worries me slightly is just how easily the word narcissist or narcissistic are bandied about possibly in the wrong context . Now whilst I realise that someone can display narcissistic traits , I feel the terminology could be interchangeable with , say , controlling, manipulative and various other words describing unpleasant qualities. My point is that someone who is a true narcissist is possibly suffering from narcissistic personality disorder which is quite a different thing from just being a bit unpleasant. Do any of these people who you refer to in this thread have such a medical diagnosis? Don’t you think it’s a tad unfair to give someone a label purely because you don’t particularly like them . Wouldn’t it be fairer to actually say something like “ I went NC from my really annoying controlling spiteful mother “ which is probably far more accurate than stating this person is mentally ill ? Doesn’t narcissistic sound so much more serious thereby making your case for estrangement appear to be a much more reasonable and valid one ? Can’t you just say we had a personality clash - I would suggest in most cases this is far more likely . Using terminology like narcissistic etc in such a cavalier fashion is extremely unfyto poor individuals who really do suffer from mental illness . It’s exactly the same as when people in total ignorance say they’re a “ bit OCD” . I can tell you being a bit OCD doesn’t exist, OCD ruins your life much in the same way as suffering from narcissistic personality disorder or even simply narcissistic traits . How do I know this you might ask - because my life is destroyed by OCD. and has been for the last 30 years .

NPD is almost impossible to diagnose as narcissists will never believe they are to blame.

@Sago did your mother receive a diagnosis then , or was it a clash of personalities ( or similar) ?

Ladysuisei. Yes. Here I am again hijacking a thread

It's true, people with narcissistic personality disorder who become abusive rarely seek help

Their victims often do though... And as the article I posted states, understanding what happened to you can be a big help for victims to heal and become strong again

For abuse victims this means a lot whoever the victim is and I think the victim really does need to come before their abuser when seeking help

@Sago that simply isn’t true . One does not necessarily have insight into one’s own mental health illnesses in order to be diagnosed. People with SERIOUS mental illness like NPD or even traits of narcissism are often sectioned under the mental health act for other reasons, thereby leading to a diagnosis of this terrible PD . One doesn’t normally get a diagnosis of NPD by making an appointment with your gp because you’ve noticed your behaviour is a bit off !

@VioletSky
Instead of posting Google fodder , why don’t you go onto Google Scholar and read up on some academic papers on this subject . You have a very basic grasp of the concept of narcissism I grant you that , but sadly it’s from magazine- type articles . You get the true facts from the academics, which is why I pointed you in the direction of Google scholar. Then we might be able to have a conversation about this .

I think it is so easy for those who have no idea of the damage that children suffer from abusive parents to bang on about forgiveness. I don’t want to forgive my parents and there is no reason why I should. Parents owe their children love and protection and if they fail for whatever reason to give their children that then they have no right to forgiveness. Simple.

This article doesn't actually mention narcissist personality disorder, just narcissistic abuse

Just to clarify incase anyone doesn't want it to appear they are defending abuse

We are talking abuse here, towards a victim, and their strength and resilience, not about their abusers struggles which are their own to discuss

A

@maddyone whilst I accept a minority of individuals with NPD slip through the net and do not get a formal diagnosis, this doesn’t justify calling someone you find unpleasant or controlling a narcissist. You are probably totally inaccurate with your description of them . Just because certain individuals with serious mental illness lack insight , it certainly does not mean they fail to be diagnosed.

NPD and other associated PDs are the only MH conditions where it is the sane person involved in the lives of these people, are the ones who seek help.
This is because being involved with people with NPD damages your MH. It strips you of self-confidence, causes anxiety and depression and can lead to othe rhealth conditions in the long term.
Those with NPD, however, refuse or don't seek help because they think there is absolutely nothing wahtsoever wrong with them. It is everyone else that makes their lives complicated by not doing everything they want all the time! They also tend to be able to hide under such a charming persona that other people are completely taken in by them and they then believe you are the person who's nuts!
All of us have narcissistic tendencies within us, but people with NPD are a whole different ball game. Only when the differences are recognised will any real recognition of just how destructive this condition is happen and begin to help those who have suffered as a consequence of knowing or being related to, someone with NPD. Only if you have been intimately involved with these people will you know the difference.

Too quick
NPD is. The elephant in the room
How many folk have suggested to someone you a fairly sure I’d a narc that they should go for an assessment bc‼️it likely that the go into melt down not pretty
Has any one experience ❓

No Ladysuisei - Most people with NPD are not sectioned for other reasons as you say, in fact narcissistic people are less likely to come into contact with any mental health services because they truely believe it’s everyone else, they are the victim. Most cant even make it through any sort of therapy as they cannot tolerate taking responsibility of their own behaviour. What they do do though is cause absolute havoc and emotional turmoil to those around them. And that is best case scenario. The worst is full blown PTSD from being the recipient of their continuous psychological assaults. Usually the behaviour of a narcissistic person is so extreme, the ‘abused’ is forced to get help and thereby learns a great deal about the subject and what constitutes this disordered way of thinking and behaving. The sad irony is it is almost always the abused left in therapy dealing with all the rubbish sent their way - thise with NPD continue along quite happily leaving destruction behind them.

Mother's who abuse in this way are especially damaging, their poor children. Every child deserves a warm and loving mother and to feel safe

Sorry a bit jumble had eye surgery

@Callistemon
It infuriates me when , through ignorance , people decide to suggest that describing unpleasant character traits is down to being mentally ill . This simply isn’t the case . Otherwise we’d need a lot more psychiatric hospitals , staffed with many more psychiatrists and queues of people round the block waiting to get in ! Some of the posters seem to have a difficulty accepting the fact that they just might not get on with someone, but they’d rather suggest that other person is mentally ill . That is ignorant and incorrect.
Yes , OCD when it goes hand in hand with severe anxiety is extremely debilitating. I’ve had so many different medication regimes and interventions over the years I’ve lost count . Stress is a huge factor in triggering a bad episode too , which sometimes goes on for quite a while . I wish I was only a “ bit OCD” but there we go .

I really think if you had met someone with NPD or narcissistic traits you would have a different view. They just do not operate in a normal way, with normal interpersonal skills. Its more than just being ‘annoying’ or ‘unpleasant’ or ‘not getting on’. No its sheer insanity and most people discover that they may have been a victim of this type of abuse when they have reached breaking point and are trying to figure out what on earth happened to them with trained therapists. You clearly have never experienced this and I honestly am glad for you .