The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

To block me on his phone is cruel - sometimes I need to hear his voice is this too much?

Lady that is hard for you I know. The trouble is I think you ringing because you need to hear his voice is probably too much for him at the moment within the context of the pressures at home, his "boundary setting" with you etc. That is looking at it from his perspective not yours; one may not agree with it but it is what it is at the moment. The blocking you is a big step that must be so painful but try not to keep thinking and analysing that other than accepting that is sadly his boundary at the moment! Just try to focus on your "calm" strategy which as you know goes well beyond just keeping calm, as we have talked about before. You are doing well, sticking to that, trying to do the same with phone calls, giving space, talking to your dad regarding the need to leave things to you etc. I hope your phone call goes ok on Saturday

sometimes I need to hear his voice there have been times over the years when I wished I could hear our ES's voice too Ladysu but I think for me TBH, that would have been harder than not doing so.

I know some EP's look for photo's of their estranged child and their children on the internet but I've never wanted that either.

Mr. S. did for a while and I always told him if he asked if I wanted to see them that I didn't, because I needed to heal and doing so would have made that much harder for me but of course we're all different and have to find our own way of coping with the pain.

@Madgran and @Smiles I know it’s so hard isn’t it . I’m struggling with my mental health right now . I need support which I’m not getting right now and despite the fact I’m staying calm , inside are so many emotions swirling around that I can’t make sense of . I can’t look at photos at the moment I’m finding them far too painful. I realise my son is setting boundaries but as mothers our boundaries never really exist do they . We are always available for our children? I still would be if he wanted me . The whole thing about this is that we all know our situations are largely preventable and , with calm conversation, could be avoided. I’m having so much difficulty just understanding what’s happening to me that try as I might , it’s very hard to understand the point of view of a child who is just blocking me on his phone . This all feels very cruel . Never mind tomorrow is another day xxx

LadySui - your son, by blocking you, is making it clear that he doesn’t want you to keep phoning him.

He doesn’t want to do all the calls.

Even if you got through the phone blocker, which is pretty simple, what do you think the result would be?

I imagine it would end in arguments, shouting and upset.

It’s Thursday now, you said he phones you on a Saturday, if he’s going to visit on Sunday, so I would just let it be.

Just get on with other stuff - distract yourself. Do some packing, watch a box set on TV. Anything.

See what happens over the weekend.💐

@DiamondLily well I’ve never managed to get through a phone blocker , don’t know how to so I’m guessing he doesn’t want to talk . I’m so unused to this it’s hit me today just how upsetting this all is . I realise he’s is own person but he used to also me my person too . We all had such a good relationship up until recently it’s weighing heavily on me and making me unwell .

I’m not doing my packing because the removal company are doing it . There’s not space for packed boxes etc where I am so they will do it the day before I move when I get a date . They’re providing all the boxes etc as well so it’s a case of waiting. I’m hopeless at distracting myself when I’m obsessed with something- I will need to get used to this by the seems of it though xxx

Your son by blocking you can concentrate on his work and his wife in hospital, You don’t know how bad she might be. I don’t think he’s purposely trying to hurt you but he can’t deal with it. To tell you not to worry is like asking a bird not to fly, your illness means you obsess about what’s worrying you. I think in time when you’re in your house, a safe place, you might start to feel a little more able to deal with things. You should live where you feel safe and at home, if your house does that and public transport is good perhaps that’s the best option for now as you must have that area of your life sorted. Ensure you put all that worrying to good use by making that house comfortable and welcoming,

Ladysuisei

@DiamondLily well I’ve never managed to get through a phone blocker , don’t know how to so I’m guessing he doesn’t want to talk . I’m so unused to this it’s hit me today just how upsetting this all is . I realise he’s is own person but he used to also me my person too . We all had such a good relationship up until recently it’s weighing heavily on me and making me unwell .

I’m not doing my packing because the removal company are doing it . There’s not space for packed boxes etc where I am so they will do it the day before I move when I get a date . They’re providing all the boxes etc as well so it’s a case of waiting. I’m hopeless at distracting myself when I’m obsessed with something- I will need to get used to this by the seems of it though xxx

But, he’s not your “me person” now - he’s got a wife and child on the way. They are his first priorities now, as they should be.

I really would distract yourself, do some decluttering if you don’t have to pack, or whatever.

Wait until Saturday to see if he phones.🙂

@Allsorts thank you for your kind advice and also for understanding the challenges I face with obsessing . Actually my DIL is out of hospital now and has around 4 weeks to go before the baby is due . It’s very hard taking a step back as I know you’ll be only too aware of , but ultimately it is the only way . With my housing, it’s looking increasingly likely that I’ll need to take on the flat first as a short term solution. The reason for this is I don’t want to risk losing it if the house rental fell through. I suppose worse things have happened in life - and it will at least take my mind off what’s going on with my son . I could switch this around in my mind to being a good thing and not a total pain !

Following on from Allsorts’ advice regarding housing and making things cozy etc I’m going to ask for help on this thread if that’s ok ?

Right- How would anyone “ manage “ this situation and stay sane please ?
-I will move to the flat ( housing association one ) before the end of March . I’m getting the removal company to pack and move because I cannot face this without help ( from AS) . My sister is helping with driving me between properties etc and cleaning the new place .
- The flat is far too nice to risk losing, unless it fell through leaving me with no choice .
I have accepted that I will be in there hopefully around end of March .
- “ our house “ is being renovated still and the lady in the estate agent is unhelpful to say the least . I’ve had email confirmation off the landlord saying I can move in when it’s completed and he’s reviewed my financial situation etc .
- I don’t know how long these “ reservations “ are going to take . They started in January and it’s a small house with small garden . She is not prepared to speculate when the house will be ready , telling me a shower’s being fitted ( didn’t mention anything else now) but also saying that ID / bank statements not required yet as we’re a “ long way off “ from needing these .

So I’m I the dark . There could be a cross over of a month , but maybe more . Although I can’t see what could possibly be required to take too much longer .
How would you “ manage “ going into a new property that may turn out to be pretty short term . Would you live out of boxes , would you not unpack at all and stay out with your dad (!!?) or would you unpack and try the place out knowing it may well only be for around a month or so . I’m interested in anyone’s opinions if you have one . Obviously it’s a pain , will cost me two lots of moving costs but it gets me away from an unsuitable flat and protects a nice one . It will also take my mind off worrying about my son and the ongoing issues there . 😀

Can anyone give me an idea of a plan that would minimise disruption, but allow me the best chance to be able to choose between a flat I don’t know and the house which I do know ( very well ) .
I want this fresh start to mark the beginning of a new life , maybe one without my son being a presence in it for at least the time being . Thank you

@DismondLiliy yes I realise his wife and child are his priority now but it would be nice to be there in the priority list , albeit further down !

As you might see from my question which I’ve asked , I think I will have some distractions going on naturally. The last few days have felt bleak for some reason. I’m missing my partner such a lot - tomorrow will be anniversary of 21 years since we officially reconnected and he came to visit me from Manchester. He strolled along the train station platform and I saw him and immediately went weak at the knees . The love we’d shared 20 years previously had certainly survived . The 1st March a very important day for me and knowing I’ll never see my gorgeous man again hurts like hell - well you know this yourself.
I’m trying to focus on the job in hand now which is getting my head around the possibility of 2 moves in 2 or 3 months !

Ladysuisei

@DismondLiliy yes I realise his wife and child are his priority now but it would be nice to be there in the priority list , albeit further down !

As you might see from my question which I’ve asked , I think I will have some distractions going on naturally. The last few days have felt bleak for some reason. I’m missing my partner such a lot - tomorrow will be anniversary of 21 years since we officially reconnected and he came to visit me from Manchester. He strolled along the train station platform and I saw him and immediately went weak at the knees . The love we’d shared 20 years previously had certainly survived . The 1st March a very important day for me and knowing I’ll never see my gorgeous man again hurts like hell - well you know this yourself.
I’m trying to focus on the job in hand now which is getting my head around the possibility of 2 moves in 2 or 3 months !

Good. It’s my wedding anniversary on Saturday, which is stressing me out no end.

But, I’m just distracting myself - because that’s all I can do.😗

Ladysuisei

Following on from Allsorts’ advice regarding housing and making things cozy etc I’m going to ask for help on this thread if that’s ok ?

Right- How would anyone “ manage “ this situation and stay sane please ?
-I will move to the flat ( housing association one ) before the end of March . I’m getting the removal company to pack and move because I cannot face this without help ( from AS) . My sister is helping with driving me between properties etc and cleaning the new place .
- The flat is far too nice to risk losing, unless it fell through leaving me with no choice .
I have accepted that I will be in there hopefully around end of March .
- “ our house “ is being renovated still and the lady in the estate agent is unhelpful to say the least . I’ve had email confirmation off the landlord saying I can move in when it’s completed and he’s reviewed my financial situation etc .
- I don’t know how long these “ reservations “ are going to take . They started in January and it’s a small house with small garden . She is not prepared to speculate when the house will be ready , telling me a shower’s being fitted ( didn’t mention anything else now) but also saying that ID / bank statements not required yet as we’re a “ long way off “ from needing these .

So I’m I the dark . There could be a cross over of a month , but maybe more . Although I can’t see what could possibly be required to take too much longer .
How would you “ manage “ going into a new property that may turn out to be pretty short term . Would you live out of boxes , would you not unpack at all and stay out with your dad (!!?) or would you unpack and try the place out knowing it may well only be for around a month or so . I’m interested in anyone’s opinions if you have one . Obviously it’s a pain , will cost me two lots of moving costs but it gets me away from an unsuitable flat and protects a nice one . It will also take my mind off worrying about my son and the ongoing issues there . 😀

Can anyone give me an idea of a plan that would minimise disruption, but allow me the best chance to be able to choose between a flat I don’t know and the house which I do know ( very well ) .
I want this fresh start to mark the beginning of a new life , maybe one without my son being a presence in it for at least the time being . Thank you

I would just move into your flat, and wait and see what happens with the house. No one knows what the landlord might decide to do.

I would just unpack and settle into the flat - you might find that you like it there.

@DiamondLily well I hope the day isn’t too painful for you - these anniversaries are horrible reminders aren’t they , of happier times. I personally find distraction very difficult, but I shall try hard .

Yes my sister said give the flat a go . If I hate it I’ll get my “ people “ to pack again and move me to the house ! I am trying to remain chill about the whole thing xxx

@DiamondLily well yes , I think at this time with housing options it’s wise to keep options open . I can’t see him selling up mind - the house next door is empty ( long term ) and in a mess . Not a good selling point . I wouldn’t buy it - but I’d rent it . I’d imagine he would want a good price for it and he won’t get that with a derelict house adjoining it . We lived there with it like that for at least 5 years so he knows I don’t mind . The flat is very nice though . Thank you xx

I would move into the flat and unpack all the things you need for a couple of months. Make it feel cosy and have pictures you treasure up but not of your son .Put up pictures of your partner and other family members . Put your favourite bedding on the bed and arranged the furniture to make it feel homely. Buy some flowers or a lovely house plant . Don't think of it as temporary but try to think of it in terms of home. Your partner is with you always in your heart and mind and if you are religious think of it of in terms of being with him again one day.

I know you don't want to inter his ashes yet. But get them from the funeral directors and put them in a safe place . My husband's ashes are still in the same place they where in my old house in my wardrobe in my bedroom.
Cook some of your favourite foods. And have a walk in the park across from the flat and look around the area. I know you say there isn't much public transport but just have a wonder around on foot. And when you see people say hello or wish then good morning.

That's what I did went I moved apart from the fact I knew this was my permanent home. I slept in the second bedroom for over a year because my bedroom needs replastering walls and ceiling and decorating. I only had a slow cooker ,toaster and microwave to cook with as there where no kitchen appliances for cooking. Fridge and washing machine in the kitchen but my freezer had to go into the garage. I moved here in the August and had my kitchen fitted in the October .

It's all about looking forward not back which I know is hard . And you have to stop stressing about your son by blocking you he has sent a clear signal he doesn't want you . Might only be until after the baby arrives or it might be permanent but it's his choice and as hard as it is you will have to accept it.

You still have a life to live and what would your partner say he would want you to be happy. You are stronger than you think . Look at the courage it took to post here . Took me months of sending Smiles PMs before I found the courage to post here. But I found I wasn't alone and neither are you . You have us. 🤗

Ladysusiei just read where you say the house next door to where you lived and may want to move back is long term empty. I wouldn't want to live next door to a house like that as there will be mice and may be rats living there. That's why the landlord decided to let again bet he couldn't sell the house because of the one next door.

And don't forget to have the radio on don't be in silence.

Sweet dreams going to bed now.

I think you should ensure that the things you need and want to have around you are in specific boxes together. The removal packers will do all this and if you put, say, a blue sticker on all items you want to unpack then they will know to pack all those things together and can unpack them for you at the other end. Choose the practical things you need and also some precious things that make it feel like your home. Pictures, photos, things your partner gave you.

Work at making it feel homely and safe and cosy and yours in whatever way works for you.

Other items that you dont need on a day to day basis maybe don't unpack straight away (although I'm not sure how many boxes that might be and what room there would be for storage?) If there is a room at the flat that you could store the other boxes, maybe cover the boxes with some pretty material and forget about them whilst you settle in and get the "feel" of your new home. It's hard but you can do it!


I would move into the flat and unpack all the things you need for a couple of months. Make it feel cosy and have pictures you treasure up but not of your son .Put up pictures of your partner and other family members . Put your favourite bedding on the bed and arranged the furniture to make it feel homely. Buy some flowers or a lovely house plant . Don't think of it as temporary but try to think of it in terms of home. Your partner is with you always in your heart and mind and if you are religious think of it of in

Whiff

I would move into the flat and unpack all the things you need for a couple of months. Make it feel cosy and have pictures you treasure up but not of your son .Put up pictures of your partner and other family members . Put your favourite bedding on the bed and arranged the furniture to make it feel homely. Buy some flowers or a lovely house plant . Don't think of it as temporary but try to think of it in terms of home. Your partner is with you always in your heart and mind and if you are religious think of it of in terms of being with him again one day.

I know you don't want to inter his ashes yet. But get them from the funeral directors and put them in a safe place . My husband's ashes are still in the same place they where in my old house in my wardrobe in my bedroom.
Cook some of your favourite foods. And have a walk in the park across from the flat and look around the area. I know you say there isn't much public transport but just have a wonder around on foot. And when you see people say hello or wish then good morning.

That's what I did went I moved apart from the fact I knew this was my permanent home. I slept in the second bedroom for over a year because my bedroom needs replastering walls and ceiling and decorating. I only had a slow cooker ,toaster and microwave to cook with as there where no kitchen appliances for cooking. Fridge and washing machine in the kitchen but my freezer had to go into the garage. I moved here in the August and had my kitchen fitted in the October .

It's all about looking forward not back which I know is hard . And you have to stop stressing about your son by blocking you he has sent a clear signal he doesn't want you . Might only be until after the baby arrives or it might be permanent but it's his choice and as hard as it is you will have to accept it.

You still have a life to live and what would your partner say he would want you to be happy. You are stronger than you think . Look at the courage it took to post here . Took me months of sending Smiles PMs before I found the courage to post here. But I found I wasn't alone and neither are you . You have us. 🤗

@Whiff thank you some really good tips there . Yes I will need to unpack a certain amount of things just to live so I’ll need to change my mindset and try to think about the flat as new home . When I look at my photos, most of them do actually have my son on them somewhere- I will just display some I have if me and my partner and also some nice ones of my parents when they were young .
The area surrounding is going to be really nice , eventually. The problem is now really. The park is finished though and outside the building there’s some landscaping and a few benches , so maybe the chance to say hi to a few people hopefully.
Yes I know that whatever the situation whether it be temporary until the baby or permanent, but I have to reach acceptance. I’m shocked that I’ve been blocked actually because it’s the only way I can let my son know about my dad as well . He knows dads not in the best of health these days but doesn’t seem to care .
I’m not religious but I know I’ll see my DP again one day . At the very least , we will be laid to rest together which gives me comfort. I’m going to think about getting his ashes when I’m settled. I was thinking about interring them when the weather is nicer , I don’t like the idea of putting him into the ground when it’s really cold . There’s no wardrobe, so I’ll wait until I make a final decision on where I’ll stay before buying one , then I will be able to put the ashes away safely when I go out . I been looking at wardrobes actually and for a decent one it will cost a fair amount - I got my eye on a nice one in John Lewis haha !! Not cheap !
Whiff you are right in saying I’m stronger than I think . The last few years have been incredibly difficult with losing mum first after her struggles with Alzheimer’s, then soon after losing my wonderful man . Losing my AS pales into insignificance compared to the loss of DP particularly, but also losing mum was very traumatic. It was in the middle of the pandemic when funerals were limited to 20 guests and we could only have 6 of us back to dads aftwards . It didn’t feel respectful. My son is making an active choice to throw us in the scrapheap so there’s no comparison really . I ought to feel some anger , but I feel sorry for him . Whatever is going on his life at the moment will cause lifelong consequences and I know he’s not thought about this . I’m incredibly hurt but like others on here , now all this has happened I’m losing trust in him . This will be the most difficult thing to regain for me , because I get hurt so easily, I will need to protect myself emotionally. This means I probably won’t ever fully trust him again, which does make me feel sad .
I do think I’ve been courageous sharing my story and asking for advice on here - even though some nasty posters seemed to enjoy baiting me for a while . It’s good to know I have support and I certainly don’t feel alone xxx🤗

You are not alone, you have your father, sister, your son, he has had to distance due to pressure but you haven't lost him.
Just as you can't cope with certain things so others (he) can't, it doesn't mean it's the end just have a resting phase from each other and concentrate on the move. Sure all will be well.

The acid test for any pending or estrangement is coming up this month mother's day . If you don't get a card then you where you stand. Last mother's day card I had from my son and grandsons was 2020. But I am lucky will have one from my daughter and grandsons.

Even though my mother in law was vile . After my husband died even though she denied she had a son or grandchildren. My children always sent her a mother's day card for nan and a gift for 11 years until she died.

Allsorts

You are not alone, you have your father, sister, your son, he has had to distance due to pressure but you haven't lost him.
Just as you can't cope with certain things so others (he) can't, it doesn't mean it's the end just have a resting phase from each other and concentrate on the move. Sure all will be well.

I agree with Allsorts. You have not lost you son as yet; as Allsorts says, have a resting phase (at the level he wants), stick to your "calm" strategy, focus on happier times in a new home. Your description of the flat sounds like over time lots of positives for this new phase of your life.

I would also say that IF you don't get a card or whatever on Mothers Day that may be just another angry expression of his present anger. (probably slightly easier than the verbal abuse!) Also it depends on whether Mothers Day has been something meaningful in your family over the years. For ours it never has been hugely significant. Keep going Ladysu

Ladysuisei

@DiamondLily well yes , I think at this time with housing options it’s wise to keep options open . I can’t see him selling up mind - the house next door is empty ( long term ) and in a mess . Not a good selling point . I wouldn’t buy it - but I’d rent it . I’d imagine he would want a good price for it and he won’t get that with a derelict house adjoining it . We lived there with it like that for at least 5 years so he knows I don’t mind . The flat is very nice though . Thank you xx

I would also think carefully about living next door to an empty/semi derelict house, now that you live alone.

You could get squatters, vermin, vandals or anything, which will be hard to deal with on your own.

I’d move to the flat, and try and settle in there.🙂

Morning all

Lots of post to read again, so just posting before I read them all.

Smiles when I was first estranged, I wouldn't search for pictures of them but my DD [her sister] did, I asked her not to show me. But years on I do now look, looking at my little granddaughter-all grown up, not knowing her anymore when we were sooo close before, it hurts.

Ladysu He must have just blocked you on the phone as you have only just said about it. Yes, it's very painful, all on here know that pain. But remember you are not estranged, and it looks like you must work hard to keep it that way. It sounds to me like your son does love you, he phones you every Saturday and visits you every Sunday, he wouldn't do that if he didn't, would he. When he phones you, promise him you'll stop keep phoning him all the time if he lifts the block and you will only phone him if needs must. Good luck.

@madgran well I will try not to think of the flat as being temporary. The difficulty is that despite many downsides, I really want the comfort of the house . Also not being isolated appeals to me more than moving to a new area . I’m so indecisive aren’t I ? I know that my DP is never far away in my thoughts but for some reason I now have a yearning to be back where I last saw him leave . I’m possibly torturing myself here - maybe I should move to the flat , settle down and be done with it xxx

Sounds like you have it all set in your mind for your move to your new flat, all sounding good. Maybe it would be better to stay there permanently, it would be a fresh new start. The flat is permanent, whereas the house is an unknow, you could settle in for a year and then be given notice as the house owner has decided to sell after all!

You may make some new friends in the first few weeks of living in your new flat. You would need a car though, if you get some driving lessons, they do for automatics, it will give you a good distraction from what's going on with your son.
Good luck.