Don’t worry - every estrangement is different. It involves different relatives and different issues. Everyone does as they feel best for themselves. Enjoy your day. 🙂
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Estrangement
Sometimes, I still feel like the only one oh Bridie sometimes I do too 
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Heartwarmig post Stillawip & Happy birthday 
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Speaking to my DD yesterday about estranged one, wondering if she thinks of us, she must do surely. Her buying gifts & flowers for her H mother, surely that hurts 
So had some lovely gifts from my DD yesterday, a lovely gold 'Tree-of-life' necklace, a silver diamond necklace- really pretty, a lovely keyring with a drop gem on it with beautiful message engraved from GC, pot plant and lovely card too, how lucky am I. I did say How can I have one D so generous & kind and the other one
So, teaching my class as usual tomorrow, then carwash & hoover out, then visit my mum's resting place, back home to take Joey for walkies and then lunch. Son working & will be very surprised if he has stopped to get me a card. He did get me a lovely card & present for my birthday a few weeks back so..
He loves his roast dinner on a Sunday, my DD said to him yesterday you could cook dinner for mum tomorrow but that won't happen. Thinking of ordering a take-away 'Toby Roast' never done that before.
Yes Yogin, ES ensuring his boys have at least a card for their mother, his wife and her buying something for her mum, if they're still in contact of course.
Is not acknowledging us tomorrow a rather large elephant in the room?
I always loved mothers and fathers day Whiff. Of course in a 'normal' family environment our parents and we as parents know we're loved, but that little extra appreciation is always nice.
I am sorry Ladysu. From what you've said, I'm sorry but I think he's created this latest set back as an excuse not to see you tomorrow because it's mothers day.
Only you can decide if you want anything to do with him as I can't help but think that these unwarranted out bursts of anger and abuse aren't going away.
@smiles I was expecting bad behaviour from him as an excuse to do this . I tried to make normal conversation, he’s very unpredictable the least thing sends him off in one . I don’t know where I am apart from kicked in the kerb . I’m messaging him to ask him to reconsider because also tomorrow is my dad’s birthday. It’s also the first anniversary of my partners funeral today , so a really triggering time for me . He’s choosing to let me down at a time when I’m at my absolute lowest - I can’t forgive him for this 
Ladysuisei
Well how do I cope with this - my AS lost it with me on the phone this morning. He’d originally said he’d come tomorrow. He took umbrage to something I said which was not offensive in the slightest. Then he was abusive towards me , shrieked enjoy Mother’s Day on your own and told me he’s not bothering. I’m devastated - calm conversation was not on the cards . He was in a temper from the word off . I don’t know if I want anything to do with him again xxx
Lady I'm sorry. Sounds like you didnt stand a chance of calm strategy on phone today. Can I ask specifically what you said that he "lost it" over?
I agree with Smileless and suggest you dont message him. I do understand the hurt upset and triggering but making requests of any sort at the moment just adds fuel to
his fire. Let him see that you are not going to react and give excuses for further unkind remarks
Ladysuisei
@smiles I was expecting bad behaviour from him as an excuse to do this . I tried to make normal conversation, he’s very unpredictable the least thing sends him off in one . I don’t know where I am apart from kicked in the kerb . I’m messaging him to ask him to reconsider because also tomorrow is my dad’s birthday. It’s also the first anniversary of my partners funeral today , so a really triggering time for me . He’s choosing to let me down at a time when I’m at my absolute lowest - I can’t forgive him for this
Well, I think it gets to a point when you just have to see people for how they are.
It’s disappointing when it’s your own children/grandchildren, but one they become adults, they are the only ones responsible for their behaviour.
I would just bat on with your life, ignore him, and let him reflect on his own behaviour.
I certainly wouldn’t message him.💐
@madgran well it’s difficult to say what broke the camel’s back but we were talking about housing issues. As you might know I’m really unsure about what to do re moving . The flat I’ve got is ok but there’s antisocial behaviour downstairs and I got the chance of an exchange but it’s isolated and my previous house ( which is private LL , so no guarantees until signed up which may not be for a while due to renovation going on ) . I’m fed up and worried. After my partner died my AS and his wife told me they were “ talking about “ me having a room in the attic of their 6 bedroom house . I think the wife vetoed it so it’s a no . I started talking about this with him - we were on topic and have been getting on better. Anyway, he lost it after I said something about how I wouldn’t get in their way etc had the arrangement been agreed . Which I wouldn’t- there’s plenty of room for a temporary stay . I feel I ought to be able to talk about things with him when he’s ok discussing them . He tends to go off on one when the conversation gets difficult ie he couldn’t really object to the scenario which I was describing as he says I’d be a burden whereas I just need somewhere to stay a while . There’s 2 rooms up there plus a bathroom so I would not be a burden. In fact I’d be very happy to keep myself to myself knowing I’m not alone in a house . So this got too much despite him engaging in the conversation- this is why it’s so difficult, he will talk but very suddenly becomes angry without warning. He then tends to threaten not seeing me , I say as a punishment. He says it’s not about me being punished but him protecting himself! In reality he’s not mature enough to have an adult conversation but I don’t say this . He then gets abusive a bit like a stroppy teenager. I’m fed up with all this messing about - I’m devastated that he chose to do this for Mother’s Day. How totally mean is that . He knows how hurt I am so then he blocks me in his phone like a stroppy child and we go on like this . This afternoon I decided I dislike him intensely because he reminds me of his father , my ex . Funny thing is his father’s personality changed in his 30’s too , leading him to be aggressive and nasty . I don’t understand. All I know is my once lovely AS has changed into something monstrous and I don’t like it . It’s not how I raised him . I cannot blame my DIL for everything because he’s in charge of his own behaviour. Additionally, the way he treats my dad is appalling, especially given how much assistance my parents have provided over so many years . My dad offered to get building work done on his house to make the 2 rooms and bathroom private too , which would have increased the value of his house . Dad worries about me because I’m vulnerable- he was hoping when the idea of me moving in was discussed, then I’d be safe and sorted . My son doesn’t care about me , as others on here have pointed out . I know lots don’t agree with the suggestion that I move in with my son , but in our family that’s how we’ve done things for my Nan etc . My son is a law unto himself and his values do not align with how he’s been brought up . It’s all very complicated and getting messy because I dislike my son for turning his back on me at a vulnerable time in my life . I didn’t stand a chance with calm communication because anything more taxing than talking about rugby or something is beyond him at the moment. I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this light conversation- in relationships things do need to be discussed. It is an inevitable part of life . Today the meaningful conversation went terribly wrong which tells me he’s not wanting a relationship with me any more .
@Whiff - well I still hold out hope for improvement. I’m certainly not going to close the door on communication and I will wait for him to call time on us . He will need to be accountable for his own actions then and reflect on his own actions as @DiamondLily says .
Funnily enough it’s a housing issue which triggered the tantrum today . Him and his wife considered allowing me to move in to their house after my partner died . The wife I believe vetoed this . The difference is they have 6 bedrooms, 2 lounges and a few extra rooms for multiple use . Yes a huge house . I would have been at the top where there are 2 rooms with bathroom that could be converted to make it private . Nobody would be forced to share rooms and there’s a lot of space. He told me “ no anount of money in rent would compensate him for having me as a burden in his house “ .
I am annoyed with him because he was brought up to value family- he’s also been given much financial assistance in order to get to the position in life where he has done ( my parents did this ) . He definitely has no respect for me , my dad or my partners memory, he’s totally selfish. To cause an issue meaning he won’t see me on Mother’s Day is totally unforgivable- these dates are important to me . To show appreciation for your mum is so important to me and we still appreciate our own mum despite losing her 3 years ago . We went to visit her grave this morning. My son didn’t join us obviously. I’m going through a phase of anger at the moment and no @Smiles I won’t keep sending him messages and no , I’m not apologetic for anything. I am a good mother who is being treated very badly and I’m angry with him and his attitude.
After my partner died my AS and his wife told me they were “ talking about “ me having a room in the attic of their 6 bedroom house . I think the wife vetoed it so it’s a no . I started talking about this with him - we were on topic and have been getting on better. Anyway, he lost it after I said something about how I wouldn’t get in their way etc had the arrangement been agreed . Which I wouldn’t- there’s plenty of room for a temporary stay . I feel I ought to be able to talk about things with him when he’s ok discussing them . He tends to go off on one when the conversation gets difficult ie he couldn’t really object to the scenario which I was describing as he says I’d be a burden whereas I just need somewhere to stay a while . There’s 2 rooms up there plus a bathroom so I would not be a burden. In fact I’d be very happy to keep myself to myself knowing I’m not alone in a house . So this got too much despite him engaging in the conversation- this is why it’s so difficult, he will talk but very suddenly becomes angry without warning
Hi Ladysue, how difficult for you when the anger is sudden and without warning
The conversation clearly moved off the "every day" stuff that is part of your "calm strategy" and also moved away from your phone strategy of just making arrangements and "Bye. See you tomorrow!"
Your comment to him, although entirely valid, was not keeping things generalised and on neutral subjects; it linked directly to a subject that he had very clearly closed down and is not willing to consider. It's best not to refer back to something that he has made clear is not going to happen.By doing do you are quite inadvertently enabling him to have an excuse for getting angry; it doesnt justify his behaviour but it does enable it.
You are right that in relationships things have to be discussed but as he has made clear moving in is not an option, even with your fathers offer of help, then it doesnt actually need to be discussed. I know it's what you see as an answer but he clearly doesn't, for whatever reason. Asking his opinion if you want to on your other housing choices can be discussed...if he is willing without being abusive, but if you are continuing to see him I would suggest sticking to informing him of your decisions when you have made thrm, not involving him in the decision making atall. He is clearly not willing to engage.
I do understand that sustaining the "calm" strategy is difficult; to do it you have to accept that what "should" happen just isn't going to happen so you take control of the problem by not creating a percieved problem (percieved by him) and by not engaging in the angst.
I am sorry this is a difficult weekend for you
@Madgran well I’m finding the light conversation works but only up to a point . I have worked incredibly hard to keep this going with my son but it feels incredibly false after our previous close relationship. He’s now beginning to rewrite history too - saying were we ever close , no it was because he lived further away and saw me less often etc for me mistaking this for a close relationship when in fact he’s found me “ difficult to deal with “ for years ! Well if he had said this at the time , my family could have withdrawn his financial assistance and he could have stood on his own 2 feet then instead of taking what he needed then doing this. You can probably tell I feel angry by his actions. I don’t think he’s being fair now, neither was he and his now wife being fair when they were being financially supported by my family ( and me ) in order to live in London, attend a prestigious university to get his phD then move back to Wales reaping the rewards . He has acted in a calculated selfish manner and , although hindsight is wonderful, I would certainly advise parents to let their children strive on their own - not to rely on their lives being made easier by their families. I believe my AS is treating me with contempt, in part because he realised I was a soft touch who would do anything for him . I made grave mistakes as a mother - not in poor treatment of my son , but by giving him too much . I live to regret my poor choices because it’s allowing him to continue to have the upper hand , call the shots and manipulate me . I may sound very bitter . Well today I do actually feel bitter and angry towards a much loved son who has thrown me away like a piece of rubbish. His wife has benefited by my family’s generosity and repaid me by forcing my son to choose between her or me . I know this is what’s going on here and it feels horrible. A real smack in the face . I’m using strategies for communication in order to try and keep our relationship on a calm footing which is ok up to a point but I’m finding the lack of meaningful interactions is reducing things to nothing. I’m very upset that my AS is choosing between his wife and his mother like this - there should be no need . I’ve not been so demanding that this ought to be the case , he’s decided this for himself and for whatever reason, my son has changed from a previously living young man to one who is selfish, self- centred and abusive. I’m not even sure at this point if I want him in my life . He is hurting me with this sudden changing of the goalposts of our whole situation. We’ve never had a relationship based solely on light and neutral chats , so I’m finding it very difficult to suddenly adjust to this now , particularly at a time when I’ve lost my person - someone who I would have relied on to help me get through any difficult patches with my son . My partner would never have believed this of my son , because when he was alive we both were treated kindly and with respect. It seems like a huge loss in the family has been responsible for my son needing to reassess his priorities, which is something I’ll never understand. At this point in time I won’t really forgive him either I don’t think . If we ever get back to normal relations then I will always treat him with caution- I’ll be the one who is guarded and will need the light conversation, just to protect myself emotionally. Devastated on Mother’s Day doesn’t even cover how I feel . I expect he will now spend it with his wife’s family, something which I’m sure he planned to do
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