The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Ladysusiei your son can't hurt you anymore than the pain your loving partner dieing hurts and will forever hurt. You lost half of yourself when your partner took his last breath. I know it was so sudden and unexpected for you and him . You had no warning . But it's just as bad as when you know it's going to happen as you live with the sword of Damocles hanging over you waiting for it to drop. The pain of the love of your life dieing never goes away and in my case gets worse as the years go by but you learn to cope like others here it's only been a short time since the other half of you died. I call the first 10 years early grief but that is my take on it others will disagree but this is my experience. The only worse grief is that of the death of a child. How parents carry on I have no idea but they do. There are a lot on GN who knows this pain.

Estrangement is a living grief but our children are still alive . It's just they have decided not to want us. That is their choice and you can crumble under the weight of it and destroy your life or you have to accept it and get on with your life.

I choose last year after giving my son on last chance so I am done . The pain I feel everyday over my husband dieing far out weights any pain my son and daughter in law have tried to inflect.

We all have to decide how much we will let our children hurt us. But I have more positives in my life than this one negative. My son decided to estrange me knowing they found out there was a problem with my heart so that sounded loud and clear to me he doesn't give a dam .

Unlike others my children have got what they have on their own. The only help they had from me was love , attention and any support that didn't involve money. I have read on other threads how much money parents have given to their children and grandchildren and then have them turn on them.

What annoys and saddens me is that my son is cruel and a coward. He wasn't brought up that way and for 32 years he wasn't. But he is now.

Ladysusiei if your son does contact you via phone or text and is abusive then put the phone down straight away and don't reply to his text. By talking to him and replying to his text you are letting him know it's ok to treat you like shit . You need to stop. Would you take this abuse from a stranger of course you wouldn't so don't take it from your son.

I remember years ago my husband phoned his mom and she said oh you remember you have a mother so he put the phone down on her. She phoned straight back and apologised which was the only time in all over years together she had ever apologised to my husband. And it was only because her TV had broken and wanted him to take her to choose a new one.

Your living arrangements are up in the air at the moment. Which isn't helping matters. But you have to make a decision and you have to face the fact you need to make decisions and stick to them. If you go with the landlord house will he stick to letting you rent and not decide 6 -12 months when the housing market picks up he wants to sell or go for the flat even though you say it's isolated but you will have the security of knowing you won't lose it.

Learning to live on your own and making all the decisions is hard but you have to do it and stick to those decisions . I can't live with what ifs can you ? I lived for 13 years with no back up from my children and the occasional help from my brother and nephew when they weren't working. From when my husband died until my mom died my I didn't live my life I existed. Others needed me as always I put them first. But that's me and how I was brought up and my conscience wouldn't let me turn my back on people even my mother in law who I hated for 40 years. At the end of the day we all have to look at ourself and know who we are. As much as I hated my in laws my husband loved his parents he didn't like them but he would never give up on them no matter what they did or said. When we visited them if they started on at use we just walked out but went back the next Sunday. This went in for years even after my father in law died and saw his mom . But after my husband died I still went to see his mom every week before I went to spend the day with my parents then just my mom . If she started in on me I cut my visit short. But went back the next week not for her but for my husband and children she was still family. She had me down as her emergency contact I don't know if because she knew she could rely on me or out of spite.

Remember all the good times with your partner and hope your dad has a happy birthday and don't let your son spoil that.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
xxx One & all xxx

Rejection is hard and quite frankly sole destroying and unbelievable for ages. No one understands unless theve been there. I wondered over the years what has been said about me to justify such action. Eventually it sinks in, as our late Queen said recollections vary, we wouldn't allow anyone else to treat us badly. As adults they make their own decisions and we have to back off as you cannot change them. Like Whiff, Smilesss and Yoga we had to rebuild and move on and realise we did the best we could, I wonder think that!
Ladysui, try to value yourself, you can do this, you are not yet estranged.

Yes Happy Mother's Day! How I wish mine were here.💐

Morning everyone and 'Happy Mothers Day' to all who have and do contribute to this great thread, and to anyone who reads but doesn't post. I hope that you are also helped as we continue to share and care for one another.

Ladysu I completely understand why you're struggling with only superficial conversations with your son to avoid any confrontation. ES and I were incredibly close and talked about anything and everything. I simply can't imagine being in a relationship with him and being unable to do so. Having a list of things I can't mention, and the constant worry of bringing one of them up.

I've always said that if I can't have the close, loving and mutually respectful relationship with him that I used to have, I'd rather have nothing than a pale reflection of what we once shared.

More later dear friends.

for all you lovely mums xx

Well, I haven't read all the post yet, but wanted to say to Ladysu, as others have already said, don't phone your son about Mother's Day, he knows all the anniversaries. Maybe they are going to his wife's mother for dinner, so no time to visit you, or his wife has said she needs him with her for the day.

Also Ladysu, again as others have said, forget living with them, they clearly don't want it, irrespective of how large their house is, you're still there, living in their house together, seeing each other every day, cooking in the same kitchen. I would never live with my DD, if I had a problem with a gap in housing I would go to a B&B or small hotel, which I did when I sold my house in Hullbridge and had a 6-week gap before moving into my new house. People like their own space, especially with a newborn baby.

I do feel for you Ladysu, I know you're hurting. xxx

Ladysuisei - I really would forget the idea of moving in with them. Even in the happiest of families, it can lead to a lot of stress. And the three of you are stressed with each other anyway.

When my DS and DIL asked me to go out and live with them in America, after I lost DH, I told them firmly, but nicely, no.

I’d never move in with DD either. We get on fabulously, but we both like our own space. I wouldn’t do it. They have their lives.

I would stop asking - it obviously angers him to have to keep saying no to you.

You need to rebuild your own life, hard as I know it is.💐

I know it’s a difficult day, for some, on here, today.

Whatever the situation, I hope everyone has a nice day.💐

Well I'm back earlier than anticipated having had an unmitigated disaster at church this morning. We never go on Mothers day but because I'm in the choir and there's so few of us, and it being a different church I thought it would be OK.

Problem was I wasn't at my best singing wise which is very much dependant on one's mood. At our Thursday rehearsal we were given a version of Ave Maria for the choir to sing as an anthem, that I've never sung before and neither had another two of the four sopranos.

The one who did know it and one who didn't, were only singing half of it because it was too high, which just left two and TBH it didn't sound good which made me tense and certainly didn't help with the high notes which I couldn't hit properly.

Two practices on Thursday evening and one full run through this morning wasn't enough and I started to have a panic attack. When Y asked if I was OK, I just burst into tears and said I shouldn't have come.

I briefly explained to her and G whose in charge and apologised for letting them down, but I had to leave. He was very sweet and said he appreciated me making the effort to support our small choir even though I was clearly struggling.

Note to self. Do not go to church on Mothers day. Stay at home and treat it just like any other Sunday.

I did get a beautiful card and flowers from our lovely girl next door, to her 'surrogate mum' which was so lovely and perhaps reinforced the finality and heart ache of our estrangement.

Anyway, enough about me.

As disappointing and upsetting as it is Ladysu, I agree with everyone that the mere mention now of living with your son and d.i.l., even temporarily, is inadvisable.

As DL has said, you need to rebuild your own life and as you begin to do so, this could be a positive thing for your relationship.

If you're able to tell him about your plans which are independent of his emotional and practical support, he may begin to relax and not, if he does feel this way, feel the need to push you away and/or keep you at arms length. This could also put your d.i.l. at ease too.

Smiles sorry you had an awful time at church. Panic attacks are awful and come out of the blue. Only had a couple first time didn't understand what was happening. So talked to my friends at craft group as some have them and realised what it was. Both times I have had them set my PAF into overdrive .

Hope you will be ok for the rest of the day. Your lovely girl is so kind and loving towards you and Mr S . Makes her all the more special as she is still grieving for her other half but still had time to do something so special for you. As we all know those that choose to love and care for us are far better than some blood relatives. 🌹

Today, Mothers Day, is a tough day for so many of us. Love & strength to all of us that are estranged 🤗

@Bridie22 I just can’t accept the rejection. My son hasn’t turned up . He’s blocked me on his phone . I cannot ever forgive him for hurting me like this .

Sending love to all on here today - hope we can enjoy and be grateful for those we love who are in our lives 💐

@Whiff well he didn’t turn up and I’m broken . He knows how much celebrating Mother’s Day means to me . Not the card or the gift - just the hug and the I love you mum and thanks for giving me life . He has hurt me immeasurably and I will never forget or forgive for today . The hurt and humiliation I feel is terrible. I need my family around me because since losing my partner I have crumbled into a mess . He knows this and is taking advantage. At this point in time I won’t contact him . I did send him a message after he should have arrived just checking if he was on his way . When it became obvious he’d let me down , I messaged him telling him I will never forgive him for the hurt he’s caused me . He’s made my dad angry and my dad doesn’t care if he sees him again or not . I don’t feel this way , I’d be delighted if he called me to apologise then came to see me but he won’t . I think I’m done with him . I won’t tell him this but I won’t ever trust him as long as I live . I’m not an independent person and he has crushed me . I feel broken and unwell. I’ve no way to contact him because he’s blocked me . What a disgusting way to treat your mother is all I can say . He’s a disgrace

@Smiles I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day .
My son didn’t turn up what can I say . I will never ask him for anything as long as I live because I know he will let me down . The hard lesson I’ve learned is that the only person who truly cares for me has died . Without him I’m nothing. I’m waiting for the house to be renovated I think . Before I need to make a decision on the house I need to think about the exchange flat - I don’t know if I can be bothered trying to move there . I know it’s not right . I was asking my son for advice but he doesn’t care enough to advise me properly. How he can leave me sitting waiting for him for almost an hour is unforgivable and I will never forgive him for the hurt of today . How dare he take the moral high ground of me “ hurting his feelings “ last Aug. This behaviour is despicable to let me down in the day when he could show compassion and kindness towards me . No , he let me down and I’m broken .

How lovely of " your girl" to think of you today, I hope that has brightened your day 💐

My daughter has been ill since mid week and thought she would be better but is worse. So I am staying home which is fine . I am just worried about her asked if she has taken Covid test she will get back to me. She had only just got over a cold which left her with a cough for 3 weeks. Luckily her husband didn't go to Germany last week as planned as ground crew on strike. If no better tomorrow she will contact her GP. She was worried about letting me down but assured her she hadn't just want her to get better.

Ladysusiei I can well understand your dad's anger you are still his little girl and hates you being hurt especially by your son. But at least you know where you stand with him. As today was the acid test and he has chosen that he doesn't want you in his life .

We have our children never dreaming one day they will not want us . In this throw away society we live in parents are being thrown away left,right and centre. What for ? Do they think they are the perfect children or parents because news flash they are not. I am an atheist but do believe in karma and one day it with bite both my son and daughter in law on the ass and see how they like it.

Ladysusiei just concentrate on getting your health and housing sorted and as hard as it is never contact your son again. If you do you open yourself up to be hurt all over again. Take comfort in those that love and care for you because you are worth loving and caring for .

Bridie hope you get through today ok and always lovely to see your posts 🌹

Spring same to you to 🌹

Thinking of all mums today who have given so much to their children yet have received little consideration in return.
I went to my daughters last evening with my friend over from Ireland. We both felt ignored by her and the grandchildren who were caught up on ipads and disengaging. We went through the motions of dinner,simple chitchat,bunch of garage flowers and mothers day cards but with no warmth of affection. I got my car back so that was good but no gratitude shown.
It was interesting to have my friends insight who has known the family for 10 years. He said it was weird as we were there but not there as nobody really cared.
I now just have low expectations and will protect myself emotionally and financially from her. Sadly I don't feel warm towards her and today have felt unwell. I think I am exhausted from struggling to keep the relationship alive.

Jaffacake I am sorry you where both treated so badly. Estrangement is not only a living grief but can effect your physical and mental health. And if you already have either of these things or both it just makes everything worse.

That's why I decided I had to be done with my son . I have to take extra care of myself. I had 2 falls recently but that's nothing new as fallen all my life due to my hereditary neurological condition and been in constant pain as well.

I am glad your friend saw how your daughter and grandchildren treated you as hopefully he will be someone you can open up to without fear of judgement as he has seen for himself.

It's like this thread we all understand what it feels like so you are never alone or felt judged in anyway. As we are going through the same thing. It takes courage to admit what your child no longer wants you for you but for only what they can get out of you either money or goods. I hope your daughter had filled your car up with fuel for you .

Take care of yourself and put yourself first for once. Hopefully you will get a good night's sleep tonight and wake up with a new sense of what you want out of life . Is your friend staying for long if so enjoy quality time with him . And have a few treats. 🌹

Whiff yes car was filled up ! Small blessings. My friend is staying for the week and then I am planning to go to Ireland next month. He had invited my daughter and grandchildren but was told they are busy in the holidays with friends. He is disappointed in their behaviour as has had nice times with the children when they were toddlies.
Hope everyone is kind to themselves today and know their own self worth.

@yogin and @DiamondLily I can’t help but hope things will be ok and we can make things work. It was my son who first mentioned the idea of me moving in . Well I don’t think it will be happening now . I’ll be lucky if I see him again considering he’s let me down on Mother’s Day and is out of contact as well . I’ve been trying to get hold of him but he’s obviously not got a conscience because anyone who blocks their mum today isn’t worth it . I can’t help still loving him though . I just really need him to call over , no gift required , give me a big hug and say mum I love you . I think I’m living in a dream world because this won’t happen. It’s the middle of the afternoon now and I’m stuck with my dad , unwashed hair feeling sorry for myself. I know him and his wife not seeing her mum because I’ve been in contact with her about something. They’re at home but I don’t want to turn up unannounced, which is why I’ve not done my hair . Won’t go out looking like this ! I speak in jest , but I’m hurting so badly from this rejection and I don’t think I will ever forgive him for not giving me a card - first time I’ve not had one in 30 years and I feel so upset . How have I raised such a monstrous child ? I can’t believe it

@whiff do you really believe that rejection on Mother’s Day is symbolic of something more than his usual bad moods. I’m hurting so badly. It’s mid afternoon and I’ve been sending him messages all day I don’t know if he’s blocked them or read them but he’s not responding. I’m broken and my self worth is zero. I have devoted 30 years to my boy and to be thrown away following such a devastating loss as I experienced is unbelievable. It hurts like hell . I’m missing my DP I’m missing my AS and I’m missing my DIL . She supported me following my partners death so I find it hard to believe her rejection is more than pregnancy hormones. I’ve told my son via a message that I won’t forget and won’t forgive today . It’s unbearable the level of upset that I feel. By now he would have been and gone but I would be feeling considerably different had he come to see me this morning. I can’t believe that he arranged to see me , in the same phone call lost his temper but failed to turn up for Mother’s Day. It feels like the rejection has twisted the knife and I’m hurting. I can’t say any more than that .

Ladysusiei by sending him messages you are giving him more ammunition to use against you. He will say you are needy, and hounding him , not giving him his space. Etc.

My son called me vindictive and manipulative . I have never been either. But he didn't back it up with any examples of how what I am supposed to be like that.

To be honest your son is acting like a spoilt brat . The last time I saw or spoke to my son was end of April 2020 my birthday. Had no idea what was coming. He should have told me instead he took the cowards way out which was cruel .

But I am glad after the email I haven't spoke or seen him as to be honest I would have punched him. He's lucky I told my brother to stay out of it. But when my brother was working every time he saw a HVG lorry from the company he worked for he checked out who the driver was . Just glad my brother never found him.

I have said again and I bet your dad has said the same thing do not contact your son in anyway as you are only hurting yourself more by trying to hold on to him you aren't getting on with your life. That's why you can't make the decision you need to on your own. It's bloody hard but you have to do it yourself . Trust your own judgement. You will make mistakes like you said going to that flat with the horrible neighbours hence your staying with your dad.

What would your partner say to you? And would he want you to go forward or try to relive the past with him in the house you shared. When our other half dies we lose our present and future and it's hard to make a new present and future but you have to. I had to otherwise I would have felt I was letting my husband down.

You need to back off otherwise you will find yourself estranged permanently. But you know all this deep down . You just don't want to let go.

It’s mid afternoon and I’ve been sending him messages all day I don’t know if he’s blocked them or read them but he’s not responding

I'm so sorry Lady but this is enabling him in his anger and behaviours and you are engaging in the angst that you have tried so hard to not engage in. It is causing you great pain I know and exacerbating the pain you already felt. Sending messages is not the answer.

Stop messaging. Stop going over and over his behaviour and your anger at this day and more widely regarding your dad and your son's previous acceptance of financial and other assistance

Start focusing on what you want at this point:

1. In your living arrangements

2. In your contact with your son.

You may wish to consider drawing a line and saying that it would be best to have a break from each other for, say, 2 months and set a date where he could come over for a chat or to have a phone call. Or draw a line but don' t set a date. The important thing is what you want in the context of what has happened...not in the context of what you want it to be from what it was like in the past. As you say yourself , that has gone forever. He isnt going to give that back to you. So what do you want now in this new reality?