The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

No one ' owns' any thread on GN . Why are people so possessive on a social media ?

@Whiff the whole tone has changed with the nasty comments, but like you say they might get bored soon .
I find it insulting that the implication is that I am totally to blame for the situation with my AS and his wife . It’s so difficult to précis absolutely everything and I’m fed up having to keep explaining myself. I know what happened and I know the context . On here , people seem to understand this and the pain that goes with being chucked away like rubbish .
I will never accept that it’s acceptable to just throw away perfectly good parents, mainly because you can’t make the effort in to make the relationship work . Of course there are exceptions to this , but abuse seems to be quite a rare reason for these EAC to give as a reason for their actions. Xx

No idea Shelflife .

I agree. Providing all stick to GN rules, it’s not a problem.

Sometimes, though, it’s better to start a seperate thread, as there’s more different responses. 🙂

@MissAdventure definitely- I’m fed up with arguing with my AS let alone coming on here for more arguments. It’s draining.

Ladysuisei

@Whiff the whole tone has changed with the nasty comments, but like you say they might get bored soon .
I find it insulting that the implication is that I am totally to blame for the situation with my AS and his wife . It’s so difficult to précis absolutely everything and I’m fed up having to keep explaining myself. I know what happened and I know the context . On here , people seem to understand this and the pain that goes with being chucked away like rubbish .
I will never accept that it’s acceptable to just throw away perfectly good parents, mainly because you can’t make the effort in to make the relationship work . Of course there are exceptions to this , but abuse seems to be quite a rare reason for these EAC to give as a reason for their actions. Xx

You have had a lot of supportive advice on here, and very little has been blaming you.

Most of us have been suggesting that you just back off a little, from your son, and get back to cheerful meetings.

You don’t need to explain yourself. 💐

@DiamondLily let’s hope time is a healer because my son tells apparently they need time 🥰

It's quite clear that I'm the poster who's being accused of being nasty etc, even if you'd all rather not say so outright because then I'd ask you what I said that was nasty compared to the ugly things people on this thread (and the prev one) have said to me.

But it's also quite clear that many of you would rather spend your days (a decade or more in some cases!) patting one another soothingly and laying blame for your estrangement anywhere but yourselves. You call this support and friendship. It looks more like enablement to me.

Never mind. It's been made abundantly clear that I'm not welcome here. So, like VS, I'll leave this thread and probably this forum (where I've lurked for months in an attempt to understand EPs and by extension see my EM's point of view) and you can all congratulate yours es on driving off another person with a different point of view and different experience and go back to enjoying your echo chamber.

None of you who think Im the nasty one will ever reconcile with your EACs. What a waste.

Congratulate yourseleves, that should be, in case anyone mistakes it for ES... Phone typo. I'm not laying the blame on your children. They've clearly had quite enough of that already

Time does help Ladysu. Time to heal, time to reflect and time to decide what's the best course of action for you.

@Smiles yes you are right because with all our experiences , I think we need time to reflect for so many different reasons xxx

Ladysui, your son appears to see you Saturday, Sunday and also by text. Have I got that wrong?

Morning everyone. It's a lovely sunny day here but the wind's really cold.

Had a good singing lesson this morning, no interruptions but I wouldn't have minded too much because it was a vast improvement on last week; thank goodness.

@Allsorts - at the moment I am staying with my dad . My son rings on a Saturday to make arrangements for Sunday . Sometimes he comes , often he doesn’t. The text thing is only in an emergency and has stopped again now ! I really don’t know where I am with him . I’m hoping that our Sunday visits will continue and I can build on this and avoid estrangement. It’s been so strange and unsettling

Hi Ladysu has your son asked you to stop texting even in an emergency?

@smiles yes he doesn’t respond . He did the other day then stopped again so I’m confused. I play it by ear at the moment xxx

Perhaps it depends on what the emergency is?

My idea of an emergency is for something extremely urgent that cannot wait until non working hours. Other stuff needs to be dealt with, by me, or can wait.

Many firms don’t like personal stuff going on in working hours, and even if they don’t mind, it can be irritating if you keep being interrupted at work.

If you’re living with your Dad, can’t you talk over his problems with him?

Yes that's a good point DL. He'll see any texts and in an emergency situation would respond; I should have thought of that .

Well done again Smiles for opening up this new thread, I like the quote.

Crickey, 3 pages to read, so think I will make myself a coffee first, anyone else for a cuppa?

Before I go, I just want to say how sorry I was to see Ladysu goaded into divulging what her son said to her. Ladysu you don't have to do that, you said enough before, for us all to get the picture. If my son spoke to me like that and on several occasions, I certainly wouldn't want to see him again, until he showed me more respect & kindness. Thankfully for my son is miled mannered and polite. Well done on calming the situation down with your son *Ladysu you are doing really well and hopefully all will be well in the end. Best of luck xx

thankfully for me..

Don't know why my last paraph is hi-lighted

@yogin thank you . Yes I was goaded into saying those things and they’re obviously not very nice . I’m embarrassed to have to say he’s my son at the moment. The problem is , however, I still love him which is mad . I have calmed him down , but he’s unpredictable. He’s never been physically aggressive just shouting etc which did come as a shock as he is normally lovely . Having said that , I did have to tell his wife off for swearing at me once or twice and she didn’t like it . Ironically they both think and say I will be a risk around their son as I shout ! How bizarre is that . The whole situation has started with something fairly trivial that wasn’t sorted out then it’s led to this . What a nightmare it all is and now it’s making me physically unwell too . I’m currently trying to make sound decisions about housing and I can’t think straight. This whole thing with possible estrangement looming over me is having a dreadful impact . When these EC casually say they don’t speak to parents due to petty reasons is it any wonder people on this thread feel quite aggrieved . I certainly do . xxx

@DiamondLily my son works permanently from home and plans his own workload. I don’t message him very often and I often don’t get a reply anyway. Sometimes he is busy sometimes he just can’t be bothered. This is all so different to how things used to be - he would always respond when he had a break in his work , say whilst he’s running a code or programme . If only to say he’d call later . I really don’t rely on him but sometimes if it’s a technical issue I get stuck with I will ask him . I’m learning not to expect any reply , so I’ll be back to not bothering again soon I would think . xx

We're all familiar with the term 'living bereavement' associated with estrangement but I wonder if any of you have come across 'disenfranchised grief'?

I came across this this morning and thought it was worth sharing because it's something we can all experience without necessarily having heard of this term before.

Disenfranchised grief is the process of grieving for someone we've lost but still living as is living bereavement, but goes further in recognising that in grieving for the children who've estranged us, our grief doesn't always fit with the wider society's attitude to dealing with death and loss.

When we talk about our loss and grief, we can find our feelings
at best misunderstood and at worse invalidated. 'Where there's life there's hope' is of course intended to help, to give us hope that at some time in the future we can be reconciled but until that time, and because it may never come to pass we need to grieve, to be able to articulate that grief in the hope that it can be understood and without the fear that it might be invalidated.

This may sound like a dreadful comment but I hope you understand my reasoning
When a person we loved or were close to dies, we grieve and eventually move forward, however when a loved one estranged us, especially without any communication, we grieve constantly...as you say Smileless, there is always hope.
However if they were dead we could move forward perhaps, without the constant hope in your head of maybes.

@smiles additionally I feel that I’m grieving the son I once had , as in the person he was . His personality has changed- it’s like there’s an interloper in his place and I am grieving and missing the person who used to be there . I hope this makes sense xxx