Estranged daughter and my will

Smileless2012

My brother spent several years as a solicitor, representing children in abuse cases DL, he was on the Child Care Panel and eventually had to give it up because the terrible cases of abuse eventually got too much for him.

Wills can be changed Cambsnan if the situation changes.

I haven't misread you VS, I quoted you.

Yes, Child Protection is draining - day after day of abuse.☹️

And, yes, Wills can be changed easily, although I won’t be changing mine. I can’t forgive my step kids 😉

My only daughter (only child) stopped communicating with me 17 years ago..she used to bring friends etc on holiday when we lived abroad. I only found out where she now lives, is married, and has a son of nearly 9 ....I send cards to her, her now husband and my grandson. I receieve no acknowledgment There are photos of her and her in laws online, also her father (my ex husband0 and his family. Very hurtful as HE left when she was six, and refused to send her a letter, birthday cards etc//I used to post a parcel pretending it was from daddy !1! I had three jobs as she was growing up, went to University ...bought her a car and funded all the costs including a fourth year a University for he MSc. She was wonderful as a teen ...would go home from school, get dinner ready (I used to batch cook at the weekends and freeze meals for the week)...she would do (unasked) the ironing and cleaning...I paid her although she didn't ask or expect anything ! she has told people I was a bad mother ...but those who knew us, neighbours, school friends' mums, etc said that is simply not true....I think her father has told tales about me which are in no way true ...I don't know, but this could be a reason ! HE walked out on her and it was only my asking through the child support agency and my solicitor, that he come to see her. She did once tell me, when she was a teenager that she was never going to look after me when I go old, but would put me in a home ....I just laughed and said I hope she could afford it ! Very sad but I can see from posts on social media she looks happy s that is all I can hope for ! My solicitor has been told that if she ever contacts me she will inherit everything ...but if no contact, it goes to friends and charities (NOT that if I have to pay £6,000 a month for a care home, as there will be nothing left !!

I too have an estranged daughter and My husband and I changed our Will to provide her share to her children, our grandchildren. We saw this as a fair option.

So sad ALANaV shame you can't tell her the truth about her dad, sounds the same as my AC dad, never paid a penny in child support. But my AC have stayed with me and don't have much to do with their dad. He lives overseas, so only see him at weddings & funeral. Well, I should have said 2 of my AC, haven't seen my youngest D for 11yrs, no reason, she will now see her dad when he comes over, before she estranged, she wouldn't see him.

I changed my will southwestgran. My 2 AC in my life will inherit, my estD nothing. You could change your will so the estD gets something, but not half or a third.

I've only read the first page & a couple on this last one.

Our daughter hasn’t spoken to us for six years, changed my will to leave her nothing her share will be divided up to the four grandchildren. She has hurt us too badly in the past and of course if things change in the future a new Will can be made but it is looking doubtful that this will happen. We had to put a letter with the Will explaining the reason for excluding her so she couldn’t go to court

Estrangement is so difficult and painful, I'm so sorry for all those families touched by it

Alana how very sad, there are similarities with my experience and yours.
I dare say you’ve tried everything to make up and been rebuffed. Don’t suppose you could appeal to your ex to tell the truth.
I have continued to send cards but now I think I will stop, it’s been so long we could never get over the years of cruelty. I could not ever forget how she has made me feel. I missed her because she was my much loved daughter, but that was then way back when she was ordinary not this vengeful and unkind woman. I have made up my mind to have the best life I can as I did my best and she’s not worrying about me. Her father disappeared when my children were young and thought I could bring them up on fresh air, he never ever saw them , so it’s in the genes.
Life goes by so quickly don’t waste it on people that have not any feelings. Spend your money.

We have changed our wills since dd cut us out of her and gc × 4 lives.
We believe in fairness and to be fair to everyone who cares about us we had to make a few decisions, one of which was to cut dd out of will. I still send Birthday, Christmas, Easter cards to all, and postcards from our travels to the grandchildren, in the hope that they get them and realise that they do have a Nanna and Gan Gan who love them.

I have been estranged from my son for 15 years. His choice sadly. My son is in my will but only to make it clear we do not wish him to inherit.
I am at complete peace with this.
We no longer know each other.
We no longer love each other.
Sad but true. It’s been a long heartbreaking journey to acceptance.
I would much rather leave my worldly wealth ( if there is any) to people who wanted me in their lives when I was alive.

Having taken the difficult decision some years ago to disinherit our ES, it's been good to see so many on this thread who have done the same.

Not for revenge or because we don't love our EAC or want to leave them with the legacy of believing we didn't, all of which I have seen suggested as being the reasons on GN, but because for those of us who have done so, it's the right decision for us.

I certainly do see why people may feel entitled to receive a legacy - if there have been ‘normal’ , reasonably happy relationships. It simply wouldn’t occur to most people I know to cut their children out of their will - unless perhaps one was now rolling in money while another could really do with it. In which case I dare say they’d tell them in advance.

I do know someone who’s cut an adult son out, after a complete estrangement for no apparent reason - except that he’d married the DiL from hell who was clearly determined from the word go to hate them.

The father in question told us he’d never, ever forgive the son for the pain caused to his wife, who had been very unwell for years anyway, and died without ever seeing or hearing from her son again.

I understand that too Witzend. Were we not estranged, we'd have done a 50/50 split regardless of their personal financial circumstances.

Violet sky, I’ve been reading your comments and I am thankful to you for providing information from the EC point of view in way that I can understand. I have been seeking to understand and process my own daughter’s estrangement and I am making some very difficult inheritance decisions.

While I don’t really agree with you, I do appreciate hearing your thoughts without anger and attack. So, thanks

Smileless2012

I understand that too Witzend. Were we not estranged, we'd have done a 50/50 split regardless of their personal financial circumstances.

Yes, that’s how my will is set up, with my two ACs, who I have no problem with.

But, if things change, then that brings other changes with it. 🙂

I would heavily caution OP against deciding—especially so early on into estrangement, comparatively—to favor one child over the other in their will. I can’t see a single way this would do anything but cause harm and suffering to the sisters after their parent’s death, a time which is complex even for those whose choice to estrange was clear-cut and fully beneficial for them. If their relationship is healthy this choice could absolutely torpedo that.

I’ve read through the entire thread but haven’t seen OP offer any additional details on their separation; have I missed any comments regarding reconciliation attempts?

In my opinion, four years of not speaking is quite long enough for me to make up my mind about changing my will.

You have tried your best and she has kicked your attempts back in your face by not getting in touch with you.

I would not think twice about cutting her out of my will and leaving it to the person who has always been there for me.

I bet she will be there if you ever fall seriously ill, wanting her share of the goodies.

Same for me. I’ll leave whatever I can to those who have been there.

I’ve seen all this with others (in RL). The ACs never ever see or contact their parents, for whatever reasons, and then the minute they hear of a death, you can hear the screech of tyres with them hareing up to see if they’ve got any cash/goodies.🙄

Unedifying. 🤷‍♀️

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I've asked Gransnet to remove this post, I've put it in the wrong place.. so sorry everyone 🤦‍♀️

If you are in a good financial state, help your daughter now but when you die, don't leave elder daughter out of your will. Don’t act in haste.

We haven't seen or spoken to our son for twelve years, why on earth should he inherit every that we've built over the years by hard work (and love), no that's not going to happen. He hasn't got any children so everything will go to our daughter and granddaughter. I don't lose any sleep over our decision at all.

This was an interesting read indeed. For what it is worth, here is my thoughts as someone not estranged. I think often of what will be left to my children and what I can spare after living the life I enjoy. Leaving what I can for my children is an act of love that goes deep. I'm always rather shy of wasting money for thought of how much good it could do elsewhere. If you still love your child, who you brought into a sometimes cruel world to potentially struggle or experience loss. Then leave them something too that shows love. Leave them nothing that shows your anger or dislike or hatred. Leave them nothing that will look at you negatively. Our last act in this world, if it cannot show love must rather at least show nothing else. Rest easy when the time comes, there is a place after this one where all our deeds may be judged.

I get this as someone who has an estranged daughter, and two who aren't.
My estranged DD will not have contact with anyone who has contact with us, including her siblings. She has caused so much pain & has done some seriously damaging & hurtful things that I'm not going to go into but actually causing me a lot of fear & distress. Over a period of 7 years.

I stayed in hope until I had to back out for my own mental health.
For me, it's about whether we support her now, in life. She won't accept any support or help from us which is her perogative.

I get people who think it's right to be fair across the board. Under normal circumstances I'd agree & it's actually what I believe should happen. But you can't KNOW until you're in the position.
In our case my other DC's would be really upset if we decided to leave their estranged sibling anything because she's treated everyone including them so badly.
It's really a personal decision & given my knowledge now, I would say OP should do what she thinks is right for her & knowing her situation best.

I see a lot of speculation from people who are judging on their own situations & probably don't have experience of estrangement or alienation.

Apparently social climate is changing & we're living in an era where people choose to remove their parents because it's just not working for them. Sort of like a marriage isn't working & you can walk away, so adult children are taking the same stance with parents.
All I can say is I hope people who estrange themselves really are looking at what they're doing & why & are happy with their decisions & lives.

Nana49

Apparently social climate is changing & we're living in an era where people choose to remove their parents because it's just not working for them. Sort of like a marriage isn't working & you can walk away, so adult children are taking the same stance with parents.
All I can say is I hope people who estrange themselves really are looking at what they're doing & why & are happy with their decisions & lives.

Nana, I agree with both your posts above. Sadly I have a friend in this same position. One of her children is extremely low or NC and her lifestyle choices and behaviours have caused problems. My friend is now considering her Will and may well either leave all, or at least the vast bulk to her other child. I'm not estranged but due to her I've done a fair bit of reading round. This does seem pretty endemic. And unfortunately my friend's NC/LC child is likely to be arriving via the screech of tyres at her passing to see what's on offer.