Estranged daughter and my will

I agree with Whiff. It’s not for you or anyone else to pass judgement VS, though I realise you see estrangement as your specialist subject. You are not, though, a professional in this area. You can speak only of your own experience.

Germanshepherdsmum

I agree with Whiff. It’s not for you or anyone else to pass judgement VS, though I realise you see estrangement as your specialist subject. You are not, though, a professional in this area. You can speak only of your own experience.

Yep, there’s no one size fits all with estrangement. They are all different, as, of course, the people involved are.

The only thing they have in common is that they all lead to sadness.

I don't see it as leaving out a (grown up) child.

If one has been there for the parents, helped them out, and generally had much more to do with them, then why shouldn't they be acknowledged.
Obviously if one hasn't been near or by, then it's a bit rich, expecting the same treatment.

My mum treated my daughter moreso than her nephews, simply because she spent lots more time with her, let alone all the things my daughter did for her.
(Not in the hope of getting anything)

I'm sorry that you've been estranged Grandmabatty .

It's bad enough to be estranged DL without suggestions that if you disinherit your EAC you don't love them unconditionally and are showing favouritism to any child(ren) who remains in your live.

Unconditional love is loving someone in spite of what they have done. We love our ES unconditionally because we still love him and always will, and I would worry about anyone who judged if or how much they were loved based on money alone.

life not live

Smileless2012

I'm sorry that you've been estranged Grandmabatty .

It's bad enough to be estranged DL without suggestions that if you disinherit your EAC you don't love them unconditionally and are showing favouritism to any child(ren) who remains in your live.

Unconditional love is loving someone in spite of what they have done. We love our ES unconditionally because we still love him and always will, and I would worry about anyone who judged if or how much they were loved based on money alone.

I don’t think most do judge. I know how much my DH loved his kids - if he hadn’t, their behaviour wouldn’t have affected him so much. ☹️

But, he felt actions carried consequences, so cut them out of his Will.

He didn’t favour my kids - he just understood that any love and care for him had come from them, for well over 20 years.

Giving advice bears responsibility

Always

I think we are all aware of that VS even if the advice some of us gives, differs to yours.

I suggest that you avoid giving either of them pain by treating them the same. That will be easier for them in the long run.

Those advising treat all adult children equally maybe advising this on the assumption that prior to an adult child estranging themselves, all had been reasonably ok. What about abusive adult children, those with drug/alcohol problems who brought real pain to their families then cut them off.
I expect Violet to tell us all that adults with substance misuse/dependence.=,associated chaotic lives are in this difficult place because their parents (usually their mother) are to blame. Yet the other adult children are ok.
Would you suggest leaving equal inheritance in these circumstances

👏👏👏

That's a very valid point Iam.

In our situation prior to being estranged everything had been OK, in fact better than OK but for us, it would be inappropriate to have our ES as a beneficiary.

Doing so is not a punishment, favouring his brother or indicative of us not having unconditional love for him. If he chooses to see it as any of the aforementioned, there's nothing we can do about that, just like there was nothing we could do to prevent the estrangement in the first place.

Iam64

Those advising treat all adult children equally maybe advising this on the assumption that prior to an adult child estranging themselves, all had been reasonably ok. What about abusive adult children, those with drug/alcohol problems who brought real pain to their families then cut them off.
I expect Violet to tell us all that adults with substance misuse/dependence.=,associated chaotic lives are in this difficult place because their parents (usually their mother) are to blame. Yet the other adult children are ok.
Would you suggest leaving equal inheritance in these circumstances

Why would I say that Iam64? That is unfair and untrue representation of my views entirely.

I have mentioned ACEs on threads many times and the links to trauma and addiction...

Never have I said this is solely down to the mother or anyone else.

Trauma can come from many sources. Unfortunately terrible things happen to children with amazing parents.

Children experience stress and poor mental health as well as adults and if we think back to our own childhoods and our experiences, resilience plays a huge part in how we can cope with ACEs

Besides, ACEs, I definitely cannot take credit for, greater minds than mine did the work to understand them.

OP does not mention any kind of addiction but as much as it is a scenario where some may think it will just buy someone drugs, an addicted person will buy those anyway. Maybe that money would put a roof over their heads at a time when not having one would have put them at risk. Maybe that money would buy them some rehabilitation... Maybe it would be a jump start out of despair... Who knows

Smileless2012

That's a very valid point Iam.

In our situation prior to being estranged everything had been OK, in fact better than OK but for us, it would be inappropriate to have our ES as a beneficiary.

Doing so is not a punishment, favouring his brother or indicative of us not having unconditional love for him. If he chooses to see it as any of the aforementioned, there's nothing we can do about that, just like there was nothing we could do to prevent the estrangement in the first place.

Iam does make a good point -- one that I've never heard or thought prior.

Respectfully, may I ask, is it inappropriate to have ES as a beneficiary because he somehow hurt your feelings? I suspect I've no idea why an ES that is worthy to disinherit (not my business, I know).

However, as it's not punishment, nice you're ok with your choice.

Hopefully OP will also be content with whatever choice is made

It isn't about hurt feelings Norah or inflicting a punishment. We believe that inheritance is a gift, you don't give gifts to those you no longer have contact with and don't accept them either.

We are OK with our choice, as OK as we can be because estrangement is not something we would ever have chosen. Hopefully the OP will be as content as she can be with whatever she chooses to do.

You make a valid point Violet, an inheritance could pay for rehab, provide accommodation. In many families, parents have been trying to support stability, pay for rehab, stepped in to care for grandchildren etc - but without success.
An inheritance could also fund continuing substance misuse.
No easy answers in these intractable desperately sad situations

To be fair, I think how you intend it does actually matter after reading that comment from Smileless

If you cut a child out of a will in order to "punish" them, that is not healthy, especially if you try to make that clear in some way by letting them know that.

If you write a will having not had a relationship for some time and decide that you will honor those who you are close to. I don't see why that wouldn't be healthy

If you decide that you want to leave something to an estranged child because you want them to know you loved them and thought of them, that seems healthy.

Many times things hang on intention really

But I do think the comments about siblings matter and should be considered. Because whether the estranged sibling is right or wrong to feel that way, it may cause friction between them that is a terrible legacy to leave behind. I say that because I think people who estrange are going to go through some sort of grief when the person they estranged dies. We may find it easier to think they wouldn't care but I don't think that is the case really. Those emotions are going to have an impact on how the situation is handled

Will complex grief be aided by money - genuine question
Estrangement is awful for everyone involved - most people try very hard to prevent it. Once it happens and when years of loss and grief take hold - reconciliation becomes increasingly difficult it seems

I'd keep it even between my kids.
I might not like them at some points but I can't imagine not loving them.

Maybe give your youngest a lump sum, if you can, before you pass.

No would be my genuine answer Iam64

But would it matter if it were money or not? Maybe a sentimental heirloom, it could be as daft as a stool someone sat on as a child.

It's the thought that counts?

BlueBelle

Oh no no no treat them the same in your will even though she has estranged herself she is still your daughter Definitely split it three way, her, her sister, and the grandchildren or give the younger daughter who is struggling something along the way which no one needs to know about

I agree with this too. It would be sad to leave a legacy of discord between your daughters as a. result of only one inheriting.

We have had no contact with our son for nearly eleven years, he has now been written out of our wills. I cannot think of a reason why he would be given anything that belongs to us including money or property.

I suppose you have to live it to know and I m not estranged but I can only imagine how I d be and no matter what anyone had done to me I couldn’t treat them differently at my death.

Of course there’s a different reaction …..spend it all before you go then there’s nothing to leave anyone .. problem solved

I think you do have to live it, it's an awful thing, but you have to do what you feel deep down is right for you. I could never give what I have spent a life time lovingly building to someone who has obviously no feelings for me. It will all be left to the person who cares deeply for me.

If a child estranges their parents but still expects to receive an inheritance then I think it says much about their selfishness and entitlement. If I'd had no contact with any relative let alone my parents I wouldn't even accept a legacy, it would be hypocritical and I'd lose all self-respect. Money doesn't equate to love, caring and being present demonstrates love.

The op hasn't said if the two daughters still have a relationship. If the elder daughter has also estranged her sister and nieces/nephews then there is no relationship to endanger by leaving everything to them.