Estranged daughter and my will

People are saying they would treat their children the same, are then suggesting people treat just one of theirs now.
So, just be more sneaky about favouring one.

If your adult child estranges you and doesn't know or care if you're alive or dead, why oh why would they expect anything from you. They have literally binned you, as if you're worthless. I would rather leave it to the NSPC or RNLI.
I don't think anyone that has not been estranged can possibly understand. In this instance I would help the daughter and gc out that needs it and try very hard to enjoy yourself and spend it. You earnt it. Always leave a letter stating why they are not in the will.

Money doesn't equate to love, caring and being present demonstrates love I agree Rosie and EP's can't demonstrate their love because they care from a distance, unable to be present in their EAC life.

So, just be more sneaky about favouring one a good point MissA. At least deciding to cut your EAC out of your will is honest, rather than giving as much as you can during your life time to your other child(ren) so there's little to leave when you die, maybe in the hope that the EAC doesn't think it's worth getting upset over.

I can't imagine why any EAC would expect to inherit and/or be hurt if they don't, but EP's need to do what they feel is right for them. They cannot and should not be made to feel responsible for how their EAC may or may not feel.

That is out of our control in the same way that for many EP's their estrangements are.

Not really a comment, as such, more a ‘this is what happened to us’ story.

I am the younger of two children. My older brother made it clear from early teens that he despised and disliked us all (and always hated me for simply being alive); he couldn’t wait to get away. The underlying reason for this seemed to be open resentment towards my parents for not being at all well off and thus not able to afford to fund the lifestyle he had decided he was entitled to.

Letters he wrote to them were full of poisonous hate. He severed all links with our parents and set about living a life which he was happy with (and always at someone else’s expense). News filtered through sporadically. They only found out that he’d had a child when I received a postcard, for example.

Things continued this way for many decades; then he simply vanished, even from his partner’s and children’s lives, he was untraceable. He never knew when our father died, nor when our mother died. He then resurfaced abroad, but still wanted nothing to do with us.

In my mother’s will I found she had left everything to me and nothing to my brother (she lived in England but you can’t do this in Scotland where I am).

I have seen to it that his children have received a share not just because they were totally innocent, but because they also suffered appallingly at his hands. They expected nothing from their grandparents and were overwhelmed with gratitude that I had seen fit to have this done for them as they are all struggling in different ways.

But that misses the point: it was never done for me to bask in unearned gratitude, but to go some way to making amends for what to me felt like an injustice.
Yes, of course it was always my mother’s choice and prerogative as to what happened to her modest estate; but to cut his children off because their father had behaved badly seemed unnecessary and cruel, I felt two wrongs didn’t make a right. I also felt tremendous relief once those transfers had been made.

So it’s not all black and white, clear cut, that this or that is fair or unfair. Each situation needs to be decided on its own merits and the OP needs to follow her own heart and conscience.

the OP needs to follow her own heart and conscience exactly Scotsmum.

Your brother's children didn't have their father in their lives but if that's not the case, leaving an inheritance to your GC and leaving nothing to their parent, your EAC, could create problems in their relationship.

We took that into consideration when we decided not to have our GC as beneficiaries. The only GC we have our ES's children.

As an EAC I'm not at all bothered by money in the will

However, I view the contact telling me I was cut out of it unnecessary and goading. Any letter sent will be burned because I know it will just be filled with spite... I could probably write it now and get it spot on, spelling errors and all... Nothing I haven't heard before

Do i think it right that as the daughter who was always kind and loving and received nothing but punishment in life gets nothing while the son who does the bare minimum gets rewarded?
No but that's not how life should have ever been

EAC in general?

I guarantee, most EAC feel themselves justified to estrange no matter what you or I would make of their situation. They are likely expecting the outcome of a letter designed to make them feel bad

If what is wanted was to prove they were loved and valued and wrong... Cutting them out of the will won't achieve that. I promise they will only feel validated in their decision. Every single one of them

We don't know the background to this story and southwestgran is entitled to privacy. We are not estranged from our AC so I can only imagine what I would do in OPs situation. Regardless of what had happened I would hate to leave behind two daughters who were daggers drawn . I think I would treat them equally after my death - but in a bad situation with feelings of anger and resentment.........who knows? It must be a dreadful position to be in and the OP must do what feels right.

*People are saying they would treat their children the same, are then suggesting people treat just one of theirs now.
So, just be more sneaky about favouring one.*

If one kid is estranged you know absolutely nothing of their life.
If one kid isn't estranged and needs a new car, having a rough time, whatever, of course help out if you can. That's not sneaky, it's common sense.

Nmama

I suggest that you avoid giving either of them pain by treating them the same. That will be easier for them in the long run.

This. You birthed both of them and something caused the split, please don`t blame your oldest daughter for that. It takes two to tango

Both should be equal in your will and perhaps one day your daughters will be united, maybe that would be the best gift. Vengence is not the way forward

Rosie51

If a child estranges their parents but still expects to receive an inheritance then I think it says much about their selfishness and entitlement. If I'd had no contact with any relative let alone my parents I wouldn't even accept a legacy, it would be hypocritical and I'd lose all self-respect. Money doesn't equate to love, caring and being present demonstrates love.

The op hasn't said if the two daughters still have a relationship. If the elder daughter has also estranged her sister and nieces/nephews then there is no relationship to endanger by leaving everything to them.

Yes, my ex and I estranged his mother decades ago. When she died, she had left ex, myself and the kids something. We all turned it down, and arranged for other relatives to sort it out amongst themselves.

I don’t know what it was, and I don’t care.

We didn’t want to know her in life, we didn’t want anything from her death.

My ex felt no bitterness towards his sisters - he made the choice to estrange, as did I, and we stood by that choice.

To be thrashing around, wanting something from a woman I despised, would have made me a grabby, hypocrite.

And, whatever my faults, I’m not that.🙂

"thrashing around, wanting something from a woman I despised"

Well that is certainly in interesting way to put it

Some EAC actually do love their parents, they just can't be around them for many various reasons. Sometimes they had a good relationship with one parent but had to stay away from the other. Sometimes what they would have liked in the will was something they could remember a loving family member by, like an aunt or a grandparent...

Blanket judgements are cathartic but not always appropriate

Unless of course there have been occasions DiamondLily where you did do a lot of "thrashing around" and that was entirely related to yourself

In which case I apologise for misjudging you and thinking you wouldn't do that

There are many estranged parents in the UK now .
I know one , who is cutting her children from her will .

In theory , we are all entitled to leave our worldly goods to whoever we like .
But -
it isn't as cut and dried as you think .
Your older daughter can contest the will -
according to the Inheritance Act 1975 .
The case that is always mentioned is that of a Mrs Jackson .
As she strongly disapproved of her daughter's lifestyle -she cut her out of her will and left her estate to animal charities having never donated to them before .
Her daughter (Mrs Ilott ) contested it and was awarded £50,000 , then it was augmented to £163,000 and finally she was given £50,000 .

I wouldn't privately confide in your younger daughter .
Nothing ever remains a secret .

I would have a rethink about the division , but certainly leave your older daughter something and not just a small token .
She can't rely on gaining from her in laws will .

I really hope that you are reunited and this becomes an unpleasant history that you can forget .

VioletSky

Unless of course there have been occasions DiamondLily where you did do a lot of "thrashing around" and that was entirely related to yourself

In which case I apologise for misjudging you and thinking you wouldn't do that

No, I didn’t, but I’ve lived long enough, and seen enough people die, to know that some do.

Wills often bring out the worst in people, unfortunately. ☹️

The estranged daughter in the Johnson case which Esmay mentioned was only awarded money from her mother’s estate because she was living on benefits in rented accommodation.

I would agree that the best way to deal with this would be to divide the estate between grandchildren and all children. To do otherwise would only cause resentment between the children and cause further unnecessary family division.

Like some others I'd do what I can for the daughter I was in contact with whilst still alive and still include the estranged daughter in the will - ⅓ shares as you have already.

Do more now if at all possible!

Any will that doesn't divide equally between your kids just causes tremendous bitterness between the siblings. It happened in our family.

sodapop

I would agree that the best way to deal with this would be to divide the estate between grandchildren and all children. To do otherwise would only cause resentment between the children and cause further unnecessary family division.

If the elder daughter has also gone no contact with the younger daughter and her children as well as the parent, then there is no further division to be caused.
Gifts left in a will are just that, gifts. Nobody should be compelled to leave a gift to someone who has decided they want nothing to do with you in life, but wants everything to do with your estate when you're dead.
If the daughters still have a relationship then that's a factor to be taken into consideration, although I still think it's distasteful to expect an inheritance from someone you've rejected.

There's a huge difference to disinheriting a child because you disagree with their lifestyle, and disinheriting a child who chose to have nothing more to do with you Esmay, who in many cases you've not been in contact with for years. The former would be all about control.

I would think it would depend on the reason(s) for estranging as to whether or not an EAC would want to receive and read a letter left to them in their parents will.

Where there was a history of abuse then I can't imagine why they would want to take the risk of possibly being abused by letter, one last time. Where that wasn't the case, a letter explaining why they've been disinherited which also tells them one last time that they were always loved, would only prove they were valued and loved if they choose to believe it.

As the only member of our family that as our ES remains in contact with is his elder brother, I can't imagine that he'd want to be left anything to remember any other family by, because he estranged them all.

Wills often bring out the worse in people, unfortunately yes they do DL

My late mum used to say “where’s there’s a Will there’s a relative” which always made me smile!

I just mentioned this thread to Himself for a man’s take on things. He said he’d leave the eldest daughters’s inheritance to her children, so they’d get more between them than any other grandchildren as they’d get their mum’s share - thereby making feelings known but without complete cut off.

As I posted earlier, leaving an equal or substantial share to an EAC may cause resentment in the other child(ren) who didn't estrange sodapop.

Estrangement is truly awful and deciding what to do or not do in your will is hard. EP's have no way of knowing how their wills will be received and can only make their decisions based on what they believe to be right, and it's right if it's the right thing for them.

IMO it’s going to depend so much on the circumstances of the estrangement.

I do know someone who’s cut an adult child out of their will, because the estrangement only happened after his marriage to a DiL from hell, who was clearly determined from the word go to hate them.

One of the parents has since died, and the remaining parent says they will never forgive the dc for the heartbreak caused to their spouse, and, never mind the will, (the dc had been helped very generously before) never wants to see him again.

We have known the parents in question so well, and for so long, to be 100% certain that the estrangement could not possibly have been their fault.

GSM .
The Jackson / Ilott case always mentioned when you make a will with prejudice against a child .
I know that the daughter had /has financial problems .
It's still valid according to the solicitor that my friend consulted when making her complicated will .

It is. If the daughter hadn’t been dependent on benefits she wouldn’t have succeeded.