Advice needed - Daughter-in-law

Summerlove

Grammie2

Thank u. I will continue to pray for them, their marriage and the baby. Mostly they would seek God and grow up. Without dragging up her behavior let’s just say at she’s been kinda mean to me thus my comment about her not liking me.

Oh lord.

Do not pray for grown adults to grow up. That’s put you in extremely bad light. Just because they are not doing what you want them to. It does not mean they are not grown-up.

I do hope you aren't pushing your religion on them..

Thank u. I didn’t feel like calling to ask if we could visit for 4 hours twice in an 8 month period was too much based on seeing their travels to her side of family and the frequency of her own Mothers visits. We try to respect their lives.

No, they are only 23 and very immature (both) first time serious relationships which resulted in pregnancy so they got married. I am not kind of person to push anything on anyone, very introverted

Thank you! I have made efforts with gifts for them not talking about baby. I do agree it’s so important as they are so young and not yet matured adults new to parenting too

You are unable to hear where you are going wrong

This gives us insight into why your son is distancing himself and your DIL is supporting him

Have you considered that your DIL may be suffering from Post Natal Depression and is simply unable to cope with visitors apart from her own Mother? I would ask your son if everything is OK with her health before saying anything else.

Good advice Dempie it's easy to get carried away but so important to ask after the parents and not just the baby.

Turning this into a competition between which grandparents see more of the baby will not have a good ending. Of course the daughter in law turns to, and needs, her mother - not her mother in law. They are very young parents by today’s standards, newly married and presumably the pregnancy wasn’t planned. There’s a lot for them to get used to. Don’t put this pressure on them. You may see a visit as ‘only four hours’ - for them it’s half a day and if your son is working that’s a quarter of his precious weekend. He and his wife and baby are his immediate family now and I’m afraid you will have to accept that, and that his mother in law will be seen more frequently than you are. That’s life, and you can’t change it.

I’m loving your directness but I truly don’t see how calling twice in an 8 month period to see them and sharing we miss them and would love pictures and stayed 4 hours each time is overstepping, you really think? You’re reading hurt over not seeing my grandson, my loss of connection with my son, and my dil being rude for no reason as dislike, it’s heartbreak. I see them travel to see other family members of hers, the exclusion is real and we don’t understand why.

She’s not depressed , but a good point that was considered. She’s often traveling to see other family members.

I do not think in an 8 month period missing my son and wanting to see my grandson is overbearing, overstepping what others on here said. If I didn’t there would be no contact once in 8 months. No Grandma wants that.

I’m not sure where the competition comment stems from. I am close to my own mom and understand and respect that bond. The comment was made because I see her family not just Mom get and receive visits from them, we wished we were included. My heart feels no competition only hurt.

I realize seeing him 3 times a few waking hours is better than nothing in 8 months and I imagine I might be saying the same thing in the next 3-4 months. It’s sad. I won’t invite self again which means I’ll be a stranger like now to my grandson. There’s no FaceTime, nothing. I’m feeling sad about this today so wrote the post. When I stay busier it’s less painful

What would u have done different? If u think I did something wrong, curious

To be honest, I get the impression--I hope I'm wrong--that spending time with you may not be very pleasant for them. Perhaps that's the problem. You're unhappy that the baby was asleep some of the time when you visited: I'm aghast. That's what a happy, well-cared for baby does: sleep peacefully. The "competition" comment comes from the fact that you repeatedly say they're visiting others when they don't visit you. It's almost as though you're keeping score: how dare she visit other people if they don't visit you??

Well . . . maybe they LIKE seeing other people more because the other people are less critical and pleasanter to be around. You've repeatedly made the point that they're (in your opinion) not mature; I wouldn't enjoy spending time with people who feel that way about me. Her criticism is "unmentioned" but all the same, you've gotten your back up against her. I'm not surprised that she may seem hostile to you; you have nothing good to say about either of them. Perhaps your criticism of them comes across loud and clear. As VioletSky says, you seem unable to see where you're going wrong. I'll add that seeing you doesn't sound like it would be particularly pleasureable for them. People spend time with people who love them and are enjoyable to be around--not with people who see them as immature and who are bitter and critical. That's just human nature.

I’m so sorry as this is spoiling your enjoyment of your grandchild.

We only have one grandchild, my stepdaughter’s, to whom I am very close and have always loved.

We had to take a bit of a back seat, as she had a bad pregnancy, baby unwell at birth and her own mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and 3 years later died in her late fifties!

We deliberately ALWAYS waited for invites as it was all so awful for them.

She was great at sending photos and updates but, very understandingly wanted to spend as much time with her Mum as possible and we gave them all space and time.

We did miss many milestones with our DGS, but live with it!

They live about an hour and a half away, we speak or message every week, have a family WhatsApp and see each other around once a month, as they are both working full time in very full on jobs.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

Speak very carefully and discreetly with your son, explain how much you want to bond with your grandchild, offer to babysit (when he’s older) and just respect them.

NEVER invite yourself over again!

Incidentally, is there room for them to maybe come over and stay just one night with you both?

How about you issue a very casual invite, asking them over, on a day and time which suits them, suggesting it’ll give them both a bit of break with an extra pair of hands and cook them a lovely dinner and equally nice breakfast?

It’s worth a try? X good luck

At 8 months, this isn’t a new baby and the parents have had plenty of time to get the idea. I feel so sorry for any grandparents getting this kind of treatment.

I just invited them for Easter, said no. Second time I’ve tried. They are away with her family this weekend. This is common theme thus my hurt over exclusion. Thank u for presenting an idea/solution rather than being cruel like some have on this thread. Apparently they haven’t experienced exclusion feeling estranged.

You’re lucky u have communication ongoing with your family. Perhaps if u didn’t you would understand exclusion and my pain and not think expressing my hurt was unresonable.

Wow someone is almost completely estranged and expresses hurt and you say I wouldn’t want to be around you for being critical. You apparently haven’t felt heartbreak and been treated as me, not the one who with criticism in fact I spared the details of negative treatment I have received to be the bigger person

It isn’t ‘treatment’. I am a paternal grandmother (my grandchild is just a couple of months older than the OP’s) and though I get on very well with my daughter in law I accept she is much closer to her mum than to me, which is entirely natural. I was the same (mind you, my mother in law was not a nice person and was very domineering). I live about the same driving distance from them as does the OP from her son and daughter in law, and daughter in law’s mother lives almost twice as far away. I entirely understand that my daughter in law wants to see her mum and siblings more often than me. It doesn’t mean I am not loved or that the baby will grow up a stranger as I believe you said in one of your many posts. My son is a much better communicator and sends me photos via WhatsApp. Perhaps you could ask your son, casually, if he can do the same. They are still finding their feet as a married couple and as parents. I’m afraid you need to be patient and stand in line. Your time will come, but you can never expect to be as close to your daughter in law as she is to her mum. As the baby gets older communication will be easier I’m sure. Whilst I don’t suffer fools, ironically patience is one of my strengths and I’m very laid back. I suggest you work on your patience, and remember that you are so very lucky to have a grandchild, and one who lives in this country. Blessings have to be counted. You and I are blessed.

Does your son work away from home and your dil stay home with the baby? If so, perhaps all these visits to her family are when she is alone and lonely - then they spend their time together as a family of three? Totally natural, some times I went to mum's with babies during work day, not to mil's as she's not my mum.

How often, before the baby was born, did you see your son, in a year?

Surely you didn't expect that number to increase as he got busier?

Yes he works dil stays home. I’ve offered to help out multiple times and asked to visit, been denied since the beginning months.