Advice needed - Daughter-in-law

You’re blessed. Do you have contact in between? If I did, it would feel like less of estrangement/exclusion. I’m moving onward with other opportunities in my life and my faith is a big part of life. I yearn to be more connected to my grandson. My 3 closest friends are with their grandkids daily and weekly.

I realize my son has cleaved as well as my other sons. It’s my proudest job, that they’re all raised self reliant hard workers males

I’ve been nothing but kind to her never saying anything negative to my son about her. I did say immature on this post I really don’t know a better word to use, it’s my husband, counselor, best friend word really, they used this word to give me faith she’s young and with time will mature and be kinder.

My youngest daughter lives a 3 hour drive away - and no, I don't see them that often, maybe three times a year. She can't do the journey just with the two small grandsons, so my son-in-law has to come too. They always stay over and return the next day - or sometimes on the Monday after a weekend here. If I go by train, I'll leave early and return in the evening, making it a long and tiring day. Sometimes we'll meet up halfway, along with other family members (easier in the summer) and that makes a big difference to journey times. Somebody has to plan these days, though, and it's usually her sister, the self-appointed organiser of the family. My sons simply wouldn't get around to anything without her input. It's open house here, so that helps.

Your son isn’t in the middle though. Your son is an adult, husband and father. He has left and cleaved to his wife. By talking about him being in the middle you are sowing dissension.

You speak very poorly of your Dil; calling her immature, a girl. I struggle to believe she is unaware of how you feel about her.

Would you have wanted to spend time with someone who disliked you so much in her shoes?

I’ve tried flowers 3 times in the past, calling (stopped) social media encouraging responses to posts, gifts in mail, apology when didn’t feel did anything wrong (paid counsel for advice here & two trusted spiritual mentors in case I was blinded) and the consensus is I have done much and all concluded maybe one day dil will change and since she’s young and some things done are immature actions. And, I’ve said in plain words what can I do seems u don’t want a relationship. I believe people’s behavior speaks a language and theirs (son in middle) say we don’t want you in our lives. Thus my heartbreak over exclusion and lack of connection currently with son & grandson.

Perhaps just focus on getting on with your son. You raised him and understand him. Let this problem with your dil pass, wait patiently.

Thank you for your opinion. My text aren’t answered sadly. I’ve stopped reaching out

I spared the details to respect my dil, but sadly she’s done some false accusations and created drama. I apologized even though I did nothing and sought advice from 2 spiritual mentors and I paid a Christian counselor for a few sessions to work thru shock & hurt. I never had any problems with relationships before in my 60+ years nor have I had much experience with a young adult girl or uncalled for division. I’ve had good communication with all of my adult male children. This past year has been very difficult. To protect against gossip, privacy I won’t give the nitty gritty. So… I have had to extent much grace and forgiveness and it seems the exclusion aspect is continuing and it’s the reason I wrote about on this forum. I do feel some comments are insensitive. I can handle knowing the entire story.

Delila

It might help you Grammie if you can adopt a much more relaxed, laid-back attitude. It sounds as though that may not come naturally to you, but people often respond well when they find that you’re not pushing too hard. Try sending chatty texts or WhatsApp’s, don’t ask for anything in return, just light-hearted keeping in touch now and then. You may find your son and DIL will take the initiative & contact you more as a result, which may lead to photos, even invitations.

This is a good approach. Forget about prayers and offering up forgiveness - if any of that worked, we’d have much less global and historical tragedy and pain. But it hasn’t worked yet.

Try to be light, chatty, laid back and happy - you might find they respond better.

But, bear in mind that women, if they have a good relationship with their mothers, often gravitate more towards them, after childbirth, than their MILs.

All quite normal - just keep life chatty for now.🙂

Grammie2

Yes he works dil stays home. I’ve offered to help out multiple times and asked to visit, been denied since the beginning months.

Please try not to get upset and don’t stop asking them over - next time ask them to name a convenient date then message your son separately and tell him how much you miss him and how excited you would be to see them ALL. Your DiL may just be very sensitive and be offended by you and you don’t know either, so some kind, but direct communication may be needed. Why not send her some flowers, wishing her well, no apology from you, as there’s no need.

I do wish you luck and please don’t feel offended by any of us Gransnetters, some of us are very plain speakers and no one is being horrid or nasty intentionally.

It might help you Grammie if you can adopt a much more relaxed, laid-back attitude. It sounds as though that may not come naturally to you, but people often respond well when they find that you’re not pushing too hard. Try sending chatty texts or WhatsApp’s, don’t ask for anything in return, just light-hearted keeping in touch now and then. You may find your son and DIL will take the initiative & contact you more as a result, which may lead to photos, even invitations.

Or are you asking to be forgiven?

Forgiveness? They have done nothing requiring forgiveness!

Thank you💙

Thank you for your kind response. I’ve nicely mentioned I’d love to be included in a family album or a text occasionally to see how grandbaby is changing. It’s hasn’t happened and I waited until 2 months to ask the first time. I Will be patient and pray I can know and see my grandson more than a couple times a year. If no change, I know I need to accept and not let my hurt go further, yet offering up forgiveness.

Yes he works dil stays home. I’ve offered to help out multiple times and asked to visit, been denied since the beginning months.

How often, before the baby was born, did you see your son, in a year?

Surely you didn't expect that number to increase as he got busier?

Does your son work away from home and your dil stay home with the baby? If so, perhaps all these visits to her family are when she is alone and lonely - then they spend their time together as a family of three? Totally natural, some times I went to mum's with babies during work day, not to mil's as she's not my mum.

It isn’t ‘treatment’. I am a paternal grandmother (my grandchild is just a couple of months older than the OP’s) and though I get on very well with my daughter in law I accept she is much closer to her mum than to me, which is entirely natural. I was the same (mind you, my mother in law was not a nice person and was very domineering). I live about the same driving distance from them as does the OP from her son and daughter in law, and daughter in law’s mother lives almost twice as far away. I entirely understand that my daughter in law wants to see her mum and siblings more often than me. It doesn’t mean I am not loved or that the baby will grow up a stranger as I believe you said in one of your many posts. My son is a much better communicator and sends me photos via WhatsApp. Perhaps you could ask your son, casually, if he can do the same. They are still finding their feet as a married couple and as parents. I’m afraid you need to be patient and stand in line. Your time will come, but you can never expect to be as close to your daughter in law as she is to her mum. As the baby gets older communication will be easier I’m sure. Whilst I don’t suffer fools, ironically patience is one of my strengths and I’m very laid back. I suggest you work on your patience, and remember that you are so very lucky to have a grandchild, and one who lives in this country. Blessings have to be counted. You and I are blessed.

Wow someone is almost completely estranged and expresses hurt and you say I wouldn’t want to be around you for being critical. You apparently haven’t felt heartbreak and been treated as me, not the one who with criticism in fact I spared the details of negative treatment I have received to be the bigger person

You’re lucky u have communication ongoing with your family. Perhaps if u didn’t you would understand exclusion and my pain and not think expressing my hurt was unresonable.

I just invited them for Easter, said no. Second time I’ve tried. They are away with her family this weekend. This is common theme thus my hurt over exclusion. Thank u for presenting an idea/solution rather than being cruel like some have on this thread. Apparently they haven’t experienced exclusion feeling estranged.

At 8 months, this isn’t a new baby and the parents have had plenty of time to get the idea. I feel so sorry for any grandparents getting this kind of treatment.

Incidentally, is there room for them to maybe come over and stay just one night with you both?

How about you issue a very casual invite, asking them over, on a day and time which suits them, suggesting it’ll give them both a bit of break with an extra pair of hands and cook them a lovely dinner and equally nice breakfast?

It’s worth a try? X good luck