Estrangement advice

I think that both sides need to want reconciliation to succeed..

But reading this article, if it were me, I'd want to put across to an estranged child that I was aware those were the things I needed to do and even if it didn't work out, I'd know I truly had looked at my adult child's needs, understood them and had grown as a person

You'd need your EAC to tell you what those things are VS and not all EAC do that, and unfortunately for many once the estrangement button's been pressed, there is no meaningful communication or any communication at all.

You're assuming that you would agree with your AC's needs and understand them. That you would regard them as reasonable and needs you could accommodate, but that might not be the case.

Where you cannot because your AC's needs are unrealistic then whose to going to be held responsible for the failed relationship, the AC or the parent.

There's no way I could have accommodated DL's step children's needs and I very much doubt that any parent could.

How can you put anything across to people who have cut contact?
Write to them and it's considered stalking.
Send a card, and it is returned...

You can't is the short answer MissA.

VioletSky

I think that both sides need to want reconciliation to succeed..

But reading this article, if it were me, I'd want to put across to an estranged child that I was aware those were the things I needed to do and even if it didn't work out, I'd know I truly had looked at my adult child's needs, understood them and had grown as a person

Quite. So would you be willing to pour money into addictions?

How do you change being older?
‘
DH and I couldn’t find a way to accommodate either demand, but I’m always happy to learn.👍

Juliet27 I rather regret sending the link to the article as it has stirred up so many opposing views. I’m not in an estranged position

“Reconciliation will likely depend on parents and children’s willingness and ability to acknowledge one another’s different priorities and perspectives"

No need for regret, interesting discussion. Obviously people have vastly different priorities and perspectives managing their expectations.

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink

Can you explain that VS

You can write a truly amazing article that could save relationships but you cannot make people listen to it

Thanks for the article Juliet, agree or disagree with it, it was thought-provoking 🤔

Well, I’d still like someone, anyone to explain to me what DH and I could have done.

Strangely, I can’t seem to get any suggestions. Can’t think why.

I’m feeling like the horse with the right idea..not interested.🙄

Delila

There’s really no new advice in the article, as most EPs care deeply about their EAC and will have been more than sensitive in their attempts at reconciliation, or in their resigned acceptance of the situation. I recognise there are exceptions, but the exceptions won’t take advice from any source.

For me, the trouble with the article is its assumption that parents can change things by mending their ways, backing off, demanding less, etc. (they already know all that), while there’s no suggestion that the effort to reconcile needs to be mutual.

You might say well, if they already know all that, why don’t they act accordingly? But they invariably do. That’s why often EPs are genuinely mystified at finding themselves estranged.

Just going y throw out there that categorically no not all or even most estranged parent care deeply - at least in terms of recognizing they need to make changes. And for the love of all things holy the article isn’t a Bible nor is it meant to have all the answers. Of course a ep could do all these things and their child
Could still say it’s too much water under the bridge and they simply aren’t interested in reconciling. Or ignore them completely. But it could help some - that’s the point. Even more so it could help those not yet estranged but headed that way for whom
These things aren’t common practice- obviously some estranged parents are without fault in your estrangement - and still more others just think they are. But the idea that an article meant to help SOME should have to be useful to all or it’s rubbish -
When we know there are no two families or situations alike is just the most unreasonable argument. For some these will have been helpful suggestions for others they won’t - if they’re not helpful to you move on. It doesn’t discredit that it may help SOME.

Delila

Thanks for the article Juliet, agree or disagree with it, it was thought-provoking 🤔

Yes, it was. Some disagreed with it, but discussion hurts no one. 🙂

Clearly judging from the posts on this thread there have been a lot of thoughtful responses to the article VS, they just don't all agree with you.

Again I'll ask you how many EP's you know Grams because another reference from you that most EP's don't care deeply is a sweeping generalisation.

I haven't seen anyone say that this article wouldn't help some EP's, and see no reason why anyone who has criticisms to make should move on. Those criticisms may help some EP's where the article has failed to do so.

Healthy discussions need opposing views and opinions to be expressed too.

No, you’re right, Grams, the article isn’t a bible and doesn’t have all the answers. It’s a point of view. Some will agree it’s useful - I don’t, but that’s just my point of view.

Much of the discussion on this thread has been about the article, and I think it’s been interesting to hear a variety of reactions to it.

Smileless2012

Clearly judging from the posts on this thread there have been a lot of thoughtful responses to the article VS, they just don't all agree with you.

Again I'll ask you how many EP's you know Grams because another reference from you that most EP's don't care deeply is a sweeping generalisation.

I haven't seen anyone say that this article wouldn't help some EP's, and see no reason why anyone who has criticisms to make should move on. Those criticisms may help some EP's where the article has failed to do so.

Healthy discussions need opposing views and opinions to be expressed too.

Not really any reasons why they don't agree with the advice given... Actually, none

I've only asked why people don't agree with the article, not why they don't agree with me... I didn't write it

DiamondLily raises the issue of a demands for money that is used to feed addictions. This narrow focus on ‘demanding’ grandparents who don’t respect boundaries, or see their adult children as independent adults misses the huge growing issue of parents who were estranged by adult children who were substance abusers. I’m not talking smoking a but of cannabis here
The first estranged adult child I met was a work colleague. He’d grown up with an alcoholic mother. Eventually in his 20’s cut ties. he attempted reconcilliation several times, especially after he married and had children. He begged his mum not to arrive drunk. She continued to do so. Eventually, he decided not to allow contact until mum went into the rehab he was willing to support
The estranged parents I know in my personal and professional life have faced similar difficulties but the chaotic substance abuser is their much loved adult child.
I may be wrong but I suspect this kind of horror is behind many estrangements

Criticisms (of the article) may help some EPs where the article has failed to do so.

I think that’s a good point Smileless.

How?

So many people have come here on the brink of estrangement, I've talked a long time with some of them... Why do it to them?

Really sad

Your questions have been answered VS I suggest you go back to page 1 and read through the thread. We shouldn't be expected to keep repeating ourselves.

We had a friend years ago whose eldest son was a drug abuser Iam he had a younger brother and two much younger sisters whose lives were being badly affected by their brother's behaviour.

In the end she told him to leave, it broke her heart but she had no choice. As far as I know she never saw or heard from him again.

Why do what to them? You're not the only one who has spoken to those on the brink of, or fearing estrangement VS.

Maybe read the foregoing discussion VS?

The only complaint is the perspective and an issue with wording in one sentence Smileless that's it

I could understand valid reasoned answers but this is just a take down of an article that might help parents who come here and it's being done for absolutely no reason

It's so so sad