Gaslighting from adult daughter

jenpax, you need to put yourself first I don't think she will stop you seeing the children, she relies on you too much.

When our children are little we do the best we can for them, with the circumstances we have been given. You did your best, like we all did

If you are off work with depression then it seems critical that your family understand and support you in receiving counselling.. otherwise if you don't start to recover how can you keep your financial income. Surely they can pull together to help you?

My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around

It should work both ways jenpax. You're there for your other D's and they should be there for you too. If you don't take care of yourself you wont be able to help them out will you.

Stop bothering about helping your daughter!!!!!

All the help. time and money she has extracted from you has NOT helped her; in fact it has facilitated her bullying and abuse.
To be brutally frank:
She chose to have three children.
She chose to have an acrimonious relationship with her partner, her mother and her father.
She chose to do a difficult and time-consuming course.
She chose to live off your charity, yet affects to despise you.
Leave her to find her own path..
You cannot improve the situation; the longer you stay the worse it will get, until it explodes in your face.

jenpax

My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around

It could well be your depression that is causing you to think that way but it is almost like you are setting yourself up to fail.

I agree with easybee.
What you are putting up with is ridiculous; it's bullying. Plain and simpl, not gaslighting.

I wouldn'twant her anywhere near me or mine.

I'm appalled to think she is considered suitable for a career in nursing.

do you think you are in a co-dependant situation.
it all sounds a muddle.
you seem to be guilt-tripping yourself, and thereby sabotaging yourself.
if she was reported for domestic abuse, coercive control, it might affect her career; she might not be able to join the nursing register.
have you pointed that out to her.
forget about the past.
you need to live in the here and now.
seek help urgently and act on that advice.
have you told your GP everything.

jenpax

My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around

It’s a totally different situation, but you and your other daughters can offer mutual support.

My husband died last year. I needed my family. My daughter and SIL have a hectic working life, 4 adult kids, and their dramas, and a long going court case with their grandchild (Long story). But, I support them, and they support me.

My son and family live in America but support me in a different way, as I do them.

It’s usually a two-way street.

Start putting your needs first sometimes - none of us need to be martyrs to our adult children.

Good luck. Start sorting your life out.💐

welbeck

do you think you are in a co-dependant situation.
it all sounds a muddle.
you seem to be guilt-tripping yourself, and thereby sabotaging yourself.
if she was reported for domestic abuse, coercive control, it might affect her career; she might not be able to join the nursing register.
have you pointed that out to her.
forget about the past.
you need to live in the here and now.
seek help urgently and act on that advice.
have you told your GP everything.

I am aware that her career would be impacted and I have pointed out multiple times to her that her duties as a nurse would preclude treating patients or colleagues this way! I gather, however that she behaves very differently at work than at home and has managed to nearly complete her degree; I just hope she continues to behave decently to people at work! According to her she treats us differently because we aren't worthy of her respect!
I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”
No I haven't told my GP all of this and I have edited the version for my counsellor I do not want to be the one to sabotage her career and have that held against me for ever more!

jenpax please don't do this anymore.

I have edited the version for my counsellor

Your counsellor is the one person there for JUST YOU.
If you aren't comfortable with them maybe there is another who is easier to be truthful with?

I worry about the safe guarding aspects of their job which is why I do not talk about it to professionals. When you start counselling you get a little I have to report any concerns etc chat and that put me off as I said I do not want to lay myself open to anymore blame!

I don't see any other way to deal with this but leave. Withdraw any financial support, because she's using you, and leave. You have to take care of yourself. This person does not want to change. You need to give up and try your best to move on and take care of yourself.

I believe this is the only way forward for you. You can only control your own behavior.

jenpax

I worry about the safe guarding aspects of their job which is why I do not talk about it to professionals. When you start counselling you get a little I have to report any concerns etc chat and that put me off as I said I do not want to lay myself open to anymore blame!

Ok, is there any other trusted person you could talk this over with, and who would give you an honest, impartial point of view?

I’ve never used a therapist for anything over the years - but a trusted and honest friend has been invaluable. A trusted friend can look at it from outside.

I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”

Yes , you mention your low income several times, but your daughters seemed to lack only expensive holidays. They certainly seem unappreciative of the sacrifices you made for them
I do not want to sabotage her career.
I am seriously wondering if this is a genuine post.

Jenpax. Who owns the house, no one can advise you without knowing that important point.

eazybee

^I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”^

Yes , you mention your low income several times, but your daughters seemed to lack only expensive holidays. They certainly seem unappreciative of the sacrifices you made for them
I do not want to sabotage her career.
I am seriously wondering if this is a genuine post.

Thanks for that! Yes it is a genuine post! Just because you cannot imagine yourself getting into my situation there is no reason to cast aspersions! I worry because I have put so much into trying to get my children set up and make sure my grandchildren have good starts. Expensive holidays was one thing she mentioned but they also didn't have the clothes they wanted and we struggled with gas and electric bills etc etc

User138562

I don't see any other way to deal with this but leave. Withdraw any financial support, because she's using you, and leave. You have to take care of yourself. This person does not want to change. You need to give up and try your best to move on and take care of yourself.

I believe this is the only way forward for you. You can only control your own behavior.

Very wise advice. I just hope that it wont all go horribly wrong.

Still no one owns the housey, is this for real. Feel sorry for the children

The house is rented in our joint names!

Allsorts

Still no one owns the housey, is this for real. Feel sorry for the children

I see no need for that comment, its not helpful comes across as intrusive (why do you need to know who owns my home when I already know my legal rights there!) and why the comment about my grandchildren! I have no idea why you are on the thread if that is your contribution. I was looking for some kind advice and support!

So what if your bhilren didn't have expensive holidays?!?
Or anything else for that matter.

They ought to be ashamed of themselves for being anything other than grateful for what they did have.

Ailsa43

*jenpax*.. I don't have much but I do have a spare room that's safe if ever you need somewhere to escape to.. you're suffering domestic abuse , you cannot allow her to do this to you..

Ailsa43, you are SO kind and generous!

Yes she is thank you Ailsa43

Thank you for all the people who have commented kindly with respect and understanding for what is to me a really stressful and distressing situation. I will try to implement some change and its been really helpful not to feel alone with this.
I am going to ask Gransnet admin if they can close the thread as I feel that it wouldn't be that helpful to carry on now.