I am at my wits end! I share a house with my youngest adult daughter and her three children 14,7 and 5 the older two are high functioning ASD.
A bit of back ground. I brought my three daughters up largely alone as their father developed a serious mental health condition when they were small and I suffered DV which sadly the children witnessed. Eventually I managed to get him treatment and he moved into his own flat but as the children were so small I was left a single parent, we lost our house and had to move into private rented housing and I was on a painfully tiny income. I literally spent every penny I had on trying to make the kids lives ok and they all did lots of extra curricular activities and I tried to make sure I afforded as many treats as I could. We couldn't afford holidays but we went camping a lot and the kids did PGL holidays. When the youngest started school I began work part time and gradually increased to full time so I could provide better for them. I started to take them abroad too as I wanted to make up for not having been able to when they were younger.
Fast forward to now, youngest daughter has been studying a nursing degree and is in her final year. I agreed to help her and having sold my own house we got a place together. I do 100% of the cleaning, cooking for the kids, 95% of child care and despite only working part time pay more than half the household expenses. I had a rare form of cancer a few years ago, (prior to this) followed by severe sepsis and have never fully got back to full health.I am exhausted but the worse thing is the verbal and emotional abuse I suffer from her! she constantly puts me down, calls me stupid, brain dead and questions my cognitive abilities. I have put a lot of weight on and she goes on about me being elderly and fat and ugly(I am just 60) . I AM over weight due to comfort eating! I have run myself into the ground to try to help her get on her feet and support my grandsons. I am an intelligent professional woman( although now I will be forced to take early retirement due to how ill i have become). I want to stop this awful situation but I will have nowhere to go and now I will have a low income again. I have canned my savings helping all my children(especially her) and have none left. She tells me daily what a shite mother I am and always have been! I wasn't emotionally supportive enough she says and she is angry about the poverty which despite best efforts I was unable to conceal. we live in an affluent area and any poverty stands out like a sore thumb! Her own children are having a good life because I am throwing my entire income in with her something my own mother was unwilling to do for me.I do not want gratitude just an end to the abuse! When I try to upbraid her she goes on about how stressed she is and how I do not care about her or am unsupportive! I have nobody to talk to about this as I am hideously embarrassed! My other two daughters have hardly anything to do with her due to her toxic behaviour
jenpax, you need to put yourself first 
I don't think she will stop you seeing the children, she relies on you too much.
When our children are little we do the best we can for them, with the circumstances we have been given. You did your best, like we all did
If you are off work with depression then it seems critical that your family understand and support you in receiving counselling.. otherwise if you don't start to recover how can you keep your financial income. Surely they can pull together to help you?
My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around
It should work both ways jenpax. You're there for your other D's and they should be there for you too. If you don't take care of yourself you wont be able to help them out will you.
Stop bothering about helping your daughter!!!!!
All the help. time and money she has extracted from you has NOT helped her; in fact it has facilitated her bullying and abuse.
To be brutally frank:
She chose to have three children.
She chose to have an acrimonious relationship with her partner, her mother and her father.
She chose to do a difficult and time-consuming course.
She chose to live off your charity, yet affects to despise you.
Leave her to find her own path..
You cannot improve the situation; the longer you stay the worse it will get, until it explodes in your face.
jenpax
My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around
It could well be your depression that is causing you to think that way but it is almost like you are setting yourself up to fail.
I agree with easybee.
What you are putting up with is ridiculous; it's bullying. Plain and simpl, not gaslighting.
I wouldn'twant her anywhere near me or mine.
I'm appalled to think she is considered suitable for a career in nursing.
do you think you are in a co-dependant situation.
it all sounds a muddle.
you seem to be guilt-tripping yourself, and thereby sabotaging yourself.
if she was reported for domestic abuse, coercive control, it might affect her career; she might not be able to join the nursing register.
have you pointed that out to her.
forget about the past.
you need to live in the here and now.
seek help urgently and act on that advice.
have you told your GP everything.
jenpax
My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around
It’s a totally different situation, but you and your other daughters can offer mutual support.
My husband died last year. I needed my family. My daughter and SIL have a hectic working life, 4 adult kids, and their dramas, and a long going court case with their grandchild (Long story). But, I support them, and they support me.
My son and family live in America but support me in a different way, as I do them.
It’s usually a two-way street.
Start putting your needs first sometimes - none of us need to be martyrs to our adult children.
Good luck. Start sorting your life out.💐
welbeck
do you think you are in a co-dependant situation.
it all sounds a muddle.
you seem to be guilt-tripping yourself, and thereby sabotaging yourself.
if she was reported for domestic abuse, coercive control, it might affect her career; she might not be able to join the nursing register.
have you pointed that out to her.
forget about the past.
you need to live in the here and now.
seek help urgently and act on that advice.
have you told your GP everything.
I am aware that her career would be impacted and I have pointed out multiple times to her that her duties as a nurse would preclude treating patients or colleagues this way! I gather, however that she behaves very differently at work than at home and has managed to nearly complete her degree; I just hope she continues to behave decently to people at work! According to her she treats us differently because we aren't worthy of her respect!
I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”
No I haven't told my GP all of this and I have edited the version for my counsellor I do not want to be the one to sabotage her career and have that held against me for ever more!
jenpax please don't do this anymore.
I have edited the version for my counsellor
Your counsellor is the one person there for JUST YOU.
If you aren't comfortable with them maybe there is another who is easier to be truthful with? 
I worry about the safe guarding aspects of their job which is why I do not talk about it to professionals. When you start counselling you get a little I have to report any concerns etc chat and that put me off as I said I do not want to lay myself open to anymore blame!
I don't see any other way to deal with this but leave. Withdraw any financial support, because she's using you, and leave. You have to take care of yourself. This person does not want to change. You need to give up and try your best to move on and take care of yourself.
I believe this is the only way forward for you. You can only control your own behavior.
jenpax
I worry about the safe guarding aspects of their job which is why I do not talk about it to professionals. When you start counselling you get a little I have to report any concerns etc chat and that put me off as I said I do not want to lay myself open to anymore blame!
Ok, is there any other trusted person you could talk this over with, and who would give you an honest, impartial point of view?
I’ve never used a therapist for anything over the years - but a trusted and honest friend has been invaluable. A trusted friend can look at it from outside.
I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”
Yes , you mention your low income several times, but your daughters seemed to lack only expensive holidays. They certainly seem unappreciative of the sacrifices you made for them
I do not want to sabotage her career.
I am seriously wondering if this is a genuine post.
Jenpax. Who owns the house, no one can advise you without knowing that important point.
eazybee
^I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”^
Yes , you mention your low income several times, but your daughters seemed to lack only expensive holidays. They certainly seem unappreciative of the sacrifices you made for them
I do not want to sabotage her career.
I am seriously wondering if this is a genuine post.
Thanks for that! Yes it is a genuine post! Just because you cannot imagine yourself getting into my situation there is no reason to cast aspersions! I worry because I have put so much into trying to get my children set up and make sure my grandchildren have good starts. Expensive holidays was one thing she mentioned but they also didn't have the clothes they wanted and we struggled with gas and electric bills etc etc
User138562
I don't see any other way to deal with this but leave. Withdraw any financial support, because she's using you, and leave. You have to take care of yourself. This person does not want to change. You need to give up and try your best to move on and take care of yourself.
I believe this is the only way forward for you. You can only control your own behavior.
Very wise advice. I just hope that it wont all go horribly wrong.
Still no one owns the housey, is this for real. Feel sorry for the children
The house is rented in our joint names!
Allsorts
Still no one owns the housey, is this for real. Feel sorry for the children
I see no need for that comment, its not helpful comes across as intrusive (why do you need to know who owns my home when I already know my legal rights there!) and why the comment about my grandchildren! I have no idea why you are on the thread if that is your contribution. I was looking for some kind advice and support!
So what if your bhilren didn't have expensive holidays?!?
Or anything else for that matter.
They ought to be ashamed of themselves for being anything other than grateful for what they did have.
Ailsa43
*jenpax*.. I don't have much but I do have a spare room that's safe if ever you need somewhere to escape to.. you're suffering domestic abuse , you cannot allow her to do this to you..
Ailsa43, you are SO kind and generous!
Yes she is thank you Ailsa43
Thank you for all the people who have commented kindly with respect and understanding for what is to me a really stressful and distressing situation. I will try to implement some change and its been really helpful not to feel alone with this.
I am going to ask Gransnet admin if they can close the thread as I feel that it wouldn't be that helpful to carry on now.
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
