Has Estrangement Affected Your Confidence

my daughter walked out of my life in december 2020 with her two daughters and estranged herself. she didn't want me to know where they were.
when she died in april 2023 i was not told when it happened but found out from a friend.
after her funeral my son was evasive when i tried to contact him and in december 2023 told me that he "wasn't ready" to be in contact with me and would i not contact him in any way.
so i now have no contact with any of my grandaughters.
i have been unable to mourn my daughter's death because i mourned her when she left because it felt like a death then.
however it hasn't changed me - i had to stand on my own two feet when i left my now ex husband in 1994.
i still feel the same as i've always felt - i haven't lost my confidence despite the huge hole i have in my life.

I estranged myself from my mother who never loved me anyway and often has declared publicly she wished I was dead. It was a matter of self defence to get out of the fight, step back. Idon't feel guilty at all.

Ladies: I’m so sorry to hear about all your sad family estrangements. I too was ‘cancelled’ by my daughter this year: after 15 years of seeing the gkids and supporting the family in various ways. I am broken and now having counselling which is leading into grief counselling. Losing a family overnight is a grief so huge it is indescribable. I cannot believe the reasons given by her texts and wonder if there is some mental health crisis involved. I am seeking to meet the gkids through the Family Court system with a special form used by divorcing parents for access. No joy yet but it is working through the court system as we speak. I have written letters to the children, placed with my Will. I have a tiny hope that it may come good for me but live will never be the same again and I am changed by it. Yes I have lost confidence through the misery/anxiety that crashed into my life. No I won’t be beaten. We are strong.

No, estrangement has not affected my confidence.

We assumed that our son must have had his reasons for keeping his distance for a year, as he was a grown man.

Happily, it transpired that we were right. He had and they had nothing to do with us as people or parents.

When he decided he needed his father to help him get his life back on track he got in touch.

My sister and I were not exactly estranged for years of our adult life - it was easier than coping with the entire family's expectations to each of us and to the pair of us as sisters.

Eventually we sat down and talked things through, when we were both mature enough (around the thirty mark) to do so.

My feeling has always been that undoubtedly some of the causes were due to who I am and what I had done or said, or not done or said, but when two or more people are involved, the fault as one of Strindberg's characters so rightly says, cannot be one person's alone.but we were fairly near to it.

I’m so sorry to hear all these sad posts. My heart goes out to you all.
I’ve been estranged from my youngest brother for 15yrs now. We were always so close. I helped him and his family, giving them a roof over their heads, gave his wife a job, always paid her over the odds and took her wherever she needed to go as she couldn’t drive. It was lovely having my family close by. I eventually found out from other staff members that she was toxic about me, saying some dreadful things. Of course my brother took her side, she’s his wife, and was outraged at the accusations.
They’ve tried offering the olive branch, but too many awful things have been said and done. I’m generally a forgiving person but it’s hurt me so much. I’m ok now, but there are days when I look back on our childhood together and the tears flow. There were six of us but there’s just the two of us now.
I have a wonderful DH and my daughter’s are both so lovely, so I know how lucky I am.
Sending hugs to you all. 💐

I am in the odd position of choosing to no longer see my mother, and my daughter choosing to no longer see me, all at the same time. They now live together on the other side of the city we live in, and whilst my daughter is there, she will not come back into our lives because my mother is so negative about me -- she believes she is loving towards me, 'despite' her belief (often expressed) that I am a liar / cheat / generally bad person. I am none of these things, and the only people who think this are my sister, mother and daughter.

Family legend has it that a few months after I was born, my sister told my mother that she could 'take Rasamara back to the hospital now, we don't want her'. She would have been almost 3 at the time, and having witnessed just how obsessed my mother can get with newborn babies, I can picture how much my sister was left out and ignored in this time. But having realised this wasn't going to happen, my sister set about doing everything she could to get me into trouble, particularly when she herself was either about to be told off, or was unhappy. And it wasn't difficult -- I wanted to be her friend, and would do pretty much anything for her, and would often get into trouble as a result, whilst my sister looked on, smirking. When I didn't comply with instructions, it was really easy for her to provoke me into retaliating, and then rush to my mother to tell her what the latest thing I had done was. Over time it was established that this was how my sister would make herself feel better when she was upset (by watching me get into trouble) and that I was quite simply a 'bad' child. Friends who have known me since childhood said it was obvious then how I was treated, and how my sister was always 'the golden haired child who could do no wrong'. And yet it is me that my mother has always had a very unhealthily enmeshed relationship with, meaning it was very difficult for me to separate from her.

A few years ago -- I am in my late 50s, my sister is in her early 60s -- I decided I'd had enough. Friends had been telling me for decades to stop seeing them, but I've always just wanted them to like me. Now, I don't speak to either, and as a result my confidence has begun to grow. Sadly, as I was separating from my mother, her influence in my daughter grew -- possibly because I was no longer enmeshed with her and she needed a replacement. It did not help mine and my daughter's relationship during her very fractious teen years. I've not seen my daughter for almost 3 years now, which breaks my heart every time I dare even think about it (like now). And yes, the shame around that is overwhelming, and I don't talk about it to anyone other than close friends. When others ask how she is and what she's doing, I invent things and as quickly as I can move the conversation on.

I hope one day to be able to mend the relationship with my daughter. But I also know that if she feels she is better without me then I must let her be, because I will do anything to add to her sense of well-being, even if it means never speaking to her again. I genuinely just wants her to be happy, even if that's at the expense of my own happiness. And the part of me that will always wish for a mother that believes in me will never go away, but it is making peace with the knowledge that I did not, and cannot, ever have this, and it's not my fault. It's a work in progress, and I manage my confidence by compartmentalising all the different pains involved I think.

Are any of the posters here fathers talking about estrangement or are we all mothers? Is it something that is more painful for us? Happens more to mothers? I know there are a few mothers talking about their sons, but I wondered about fathers?

Yup, me too. It was actually my reason for finding this site. I had previously written that I'm not only estranged, but my daughter has a website where she is posting stories saying I did awful things I would never think of doing. I have no idea where any of this came from now that she is in her 50s and has been just fine up until .

It has not done anything to my confidence. I work out a lot. Fitness is my life. Helps my frame of mind. Having ADHD also helps a lot. My mind doesn't stay in one place for too long!

I also concentrate on the things I have to be thankful for and there is plenty. A day of great weather? Upcoming Autumn? The ability to take a nice deep breath to welcome fresh air? Open my arms to take in a wonderful breeze? Mindfulness? (seems to be a 21st century term but worth looking into) That I survived cancer twice and made it to my 70s? Making strangers laugh?Thrift shopping!

Sometimes I wonder if going back to psychedelic drugs will help..........ummm.......NO.

How about the fact that I am not alone in this?

I swear it's a 21ST century epidemic....

Sunbar -- I love your post because 'having ADHD also helps a lot' also!!

though I'm not sure it's unique to our time. It's like miscarriages -- they have always happened, are devastating to each couple, but only recently have we begun to talk about them. I think estrangement is the same.

And Sunbar, I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter's behaviour. That's really unnecessary, and vindictive. I'd recommend therapy to her although I suspect she might not think she has anything to work through!! Sending hugs to you though, for knowing that exists in the world, and huge congrats for structuring your life and confidence so well

My reasons for sadness are so similar to so many others. What now angers me is the fact that there was a report online last year that the number of wills that are being contested has risen dramatically. The possible reason is suggested to be the enormous values of houses being left.
My daughter has changed me as now I have taken steps to make sure my property goes to the charities I want it to go to. If my house and home are not good enough to bring my grandchildren and great grand children to visit me then it is far to good for any of them.

The hurt and pain have put a shell on me that is rock hard.

You are right, it’s always the parents (usually the mother) that is seen by everyone to be the monster.
My daughter told me that she wasn’t blaming me, whilst detailing every incident and perceived wrong I have done to her since birth and telling me that these have caused her extreme mental trauma, eating disorders and depression. It hurts and can’t be undone.
I will never be the same and question everything I say to anyone now. I’m virtually a recluse. Very reduced social life and hardly ever talk to anyone. It’s so lonely, but better than the constant accusations.

Whiff

No it didn't knock my confidence. But did make me angry to realise my son could be so cruel and cowardly. He wasn't brought up that way. He should have told me to my face what he was going to do . And say all the things he put in the email and he would have been put right on his accusations and assumptions. But I will always love my son but the loving caring son I knew not who he is now. He has changed but so have I am no longer the mom he knew. This mom would not have put up with the crap I had off him and my daughter in law. But living over 100 miles away I was just happy being with them.

I will always love and miss my grandsons even the one I never met or know his name so I gave him one as I can't bear the thought of him not having one.

But I decided last autumn to contact my son for the third time had abuse back so I am done. No more hoping to see him or my 3 grandson's ever again.

When people ask if I have children I always 2 and 5 grandson's. And if they say do I see them all I say no my son decided to give me the sack as his mom in 2020 via email so I don't see him or 3 of my grandsons. But I have a wonderful daughter ,son in law and 2 grandson's who I see often. Lost count of the number of people who have told me about their estrangement from family . Estrangement has to long been a taboo subject. And thankfully it's coming out of the shadows .

But sadly parents always get the blame and even people on the estrangement don't believe me when I say I don't know the real reason why my son estranged me . But not just me but all over side of the family.

But I live my life to the full and what my son has done doesn't hurt me . My husband dieing 20 years ago hurts me everyday as the grief never dies and as the years go by the grief gets worse you just learn to live with it but can still be overwhelming at times.

If my son thought to destroy me then he has failed . My son and daughter in law are not perfect parents as there is no such thing . And one day their children will tell them all the things they did wrong bringing them up . Especially when they get partners of their own . Karma is a bitch.

I could have written this.

I’ve been estranged from my son and his family for 10 years. And it has knocked my confidence. Only the friends who are close to me know about it because if I tell other people then I feel they are judging me and to this day I still don’t know why he walked away from us. People say there’s two sides to a story but now I know there sometimes isn’t . Because I know I did nothing but love them and give them help financially.

But I do avoid the places where he used to go just in case I see them which would be very stressful for me, and I’m looking after my mental health by just not going there.

Dizzyribs

You are right, it’s always the parents (usually the mother) that is seen by everyone to be the monster.
My daughter told me that she wasn’t blaming me, whilst detailing every incident and perceived wrong I have done to her since birth and telling me that these have caused her extreme mental trauma, eating disorders and depression. It hurts and can’t be undone.
I will never be the same and question everything I say to anyone now. I’m virtually a recluse. Very reduced social life and hardly ever talk to anyone. It’s so lonely, but better than the constant accusations.

I’m so sorry to you and all the other posts — the pain is so great and it leads to shame — and it is shame that dictates we stay in the shadows. Shame is a monster that thrives inside us when these things happen — it feeds off loneliness and hates to be exposed to light. If we connect with others we stop feeding the monster and it begins to shrink. For everyone here who has felt the only way is to hide — well done for reaching out here, know and take strength from knowing you are not alone. And if you can also reach out to others in real life too then do — they don’t need to ever know your story but the shame monster won’t carry on getting bigger if you do.

I think we all need hugs, or whatever is your personal favourite thing that represents someone saying ‘it’s ok, I understand’ xxx

It’s a very lonely place..
I pray for all ..

I am so sad for you all and hope you can find strength and good things in your lives.

My parents were estranged from my brother. His fault and decision; he treated them very badly and when mum died in 2021 she’d only seen him once in 14 years. It broke her heart, and the day before she died when I went to see her in hospital she looked at me and said his name. Dad has disowned him, to the point that he told the funeral director that I was an only child; I had to correct her later which was an interesting conversation.
My brother was a little shit when we were children and sadly didn’t change as an adult. I couldn’t care less if I never saw him again but can’t forgive the hurt he gave our parents.

Estrangement is an insidious thing. In my case my daughter did it over a number of years, not all at once. She chose carefully the events age was going to cut out of my life, those family events she knew I looked forward to, birthdays, school events etc.. Now, it's been years since she picked up the phone. She only responds to texts I send and with only a minimum of words. I might get a yes, no, yes... in answer to 3 questions from me for example. Does Estrangement knock my confidence? Hell no, it makes me angry!! Angry because I don't deserve it, not one bit of it. She was brought up with love, care and lots of encouragement from me. I was the typical mother hen but now I am found by her to be lacking in all the above. She is depriving her children of the love of a grandmother who would do anything for them. Instead my contribution to their lives is not wanted and I am wished dead. Will I have the courage to desinherit her?

It’s been 8 years for me now. At the time, I felt destroyed by it, couldn’t think about anything else, it was the most awful thing that had happened to me. My s, was getting married, and we were uninvited, because of us falling out.
So the day of the wedding was very hard. Looking back I don’t know how I survived.
Just as this was happening my oh was diagnosed with dementia, so a double whammy.
But we’ve got over it, and moved on.
We’re still living with dementia and coping with it.
I do sometimes wonder if I was wicked in a previous life 🙀🙀
I’ve still got lots of friends and get on well with my other children.

I found that it first happened I was overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings from the past, back as far as my own relationship with my mother. I couldn't stop the thoughts it was all that I was thinking about and it was really knocking my mental health. I saw an advert on FB for virtual hypnotherapy by a local woman so thought I'd give it a go. I sat in my car(comfortable seat that I wouldnt fall out of) with headphones on and told the woman what I hoped to achieve then let myself be guided through the process. Over the next few days I felt so much better, I was enthusiastic again and thinking forward not back. That was about a year ago and I've managed to stay positive even with new dramas cropping up, I just take a deep breath and reassure myself that I'll be OK and the drama will pass..followed by more unfortunately! 😢

I've also done a lot of reading and watching YouTube clips..this is great to listen to.
youtu.be/W-luYGC0HtQ?si=teh8hGy3BVHOSV9d

Thank you Allsorts for starting this thread and thank you to everyone who has had the courage to post here because even though we are anonymous, it does take courage to talk about our estrangements.

You are all inspirational and for anyone reading who feels unable to contribute, you are not alone and the more we talk about what we've experienced, the more we can be there for one another.

Thank you Smileless. I appreciate your comments.

PJN