Has Estrangement Affected Your Confidence

When my brother was married to his 1st wife it came close to him being estranged from my parents and me. It was so sad & all because she was causing trouble. She rang me out of the blue one day , asked if I’d spoken to my brother that day, I replied no, she then announced that he had told her he was divorcing her. OMG I nearly cheered down the phone, my mum was with me, she burst into tears. Forward 10 years, my brother has married, I have a lovely SIL, my brother has sorted everything out with our parents and I have my lovely brother back in my life. It was a close one but thank god it worked out.

Yes. I feel sick with anxiety most days and constantly beat myself up with despair, wondering where I went wrong. Nothing I do or say is good enough. Unless everything goes my d way, she becomes nasty and entitled and totally disrespectful. Vile texts are the norm. There is a pattern. Her MIL is estranged from my d due to vile texts. I fear her marriage won't last and if she carries on, her OH will be next and my gs will be the pawn. What a mess. I pray that things will change but my family is sadly dysfunctional and as they are adults I can't help.

I have decided to not respond to texts after a flurry of nasty accusations last week. If she wishes to make contact, she can call or text her Dad. I am fed up of being a punchbag and need to step back and live my life

Stay strong Sheian57. 💐

So sorry Sheian57,
Am so fed up with hearing of parents being abused, bullied, manipulated and gaslighted by their grown kids, my daughter did all this to us and yet we live in a society that breeds entitlement in our younger generation and contempt for what they call ‘the boomers’.
Time to fight back by living our lives the best we can without allowing their abuse to poison the water anymore.
Get on with your life and don’t get sucked back into an abusive cycle. You deserve better.

Rasamara , Thank you for your kind words. My daughter has had a business at which she is very good at but now she is actually studying to be a therapist! This scares me a bit...
One thing I forgot to mention is that I do lose sleep over this but whenever I catch myself thinking about it, I tell myself to "change the channel"!
Dancing to music in the grocery store helps to. I really kill it in the frozen section....

...and to Babs (up there above this): Hear hear!

Reading all the above really moved me as some years ago I had found self in similar situation. With both my children. I was very much loved mother until they married and their spouses “explained” to them what a dreadful and neglectful mother I had been. Overnight almost I turned from a near perfect and much loved mother into a monster. Gaslighted into believing that I most certainly was. I began to doubt everything and anything I did as a mother. I became near suicidal. Slowly it repaired with both my children. But I still tread on eggshells and try to avoid “sensitive” topics. I love both my children very very deeply and simply do not go back to conversations and situations that might cause flare ups. However as above: karma is a bitch. And what goes around comes around. And I have their spouses’ quite evil influence in mind here. It still saddens me that my children could not and still cannot see through this. I’m just happy that I actually have a relationship with my children and try hard with their spouses for the sake of my children’s happiness. And my own peace of mind.
In a way the stories I have read here about family estrangement , although all very distressing, comforted me in a way that I now do not feel alone in this. Because as most of you say it is a very lonely place.

I was estranged from my father. For very good reasons. It wasn’t just me. He had little or nothing to do with my siblings either. When he died he died alone and informed by the police I found myself crying. Crying for the few good memories I had and for what could have been. I wish things had been different but I had to protect myself. At first I had allowed him to see my kids but they soon didn’t want to go because he would spend their time together bad mouthing me. My heart goes out to all of you who have written your experiences here. May you all find peace.

One of my children many years ago went to see a counsellor and then verbally attacked me in a way which I found devastating. We were not estranged, but I did sometimes walk on eggshells, till I finally asked to resolve whatever was still troubling between us. Naming it even without going further swept it away and there are no more eggshells. I do wonder if there are counsellors who look for things which may not be there, or which they seize on and dramatise beyond what is really present. The authority which comes with their role with vulnerable clients could be misused, even if not intentionally. I actually believe counselling and psychotherapy can be very important in helping people become freer and happier - but when it is not done well, can lead to terrible results. I feel so much for those who are estranged from the children they love.

@Rasamara thank you for your kind words. I will hold on to them.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to just accept that I am inadequate, unlikable unlovable and beyond help. Then I might be able to let it go and enjoy the independent life without the crying and craving human contact.

We estranged my MIL (since deceased) to basically, save our marriage. My FIL had died and there was no one to stop her constant malicious interfering. We tried to reconcile some years later, but meeting her again just confirmed we had been right to break away. She died years later without ever seeing us again.

So sad that this is so common nowadays. I have been totally excluded, not only by my daughters, but by the wider family too, as they have all been influenced by my ex husband, who served time at Her Majesty's and has "repented". He made it his business to influence each and every person he could. Sadly, my grandchildren are missing out on their loving Nanna and (step) Grandad as well as being at risk from ex h.
We have made the decision to move away from the nasty atmosphere and are now settled in a lovely new home in a friendly village.
I wonder if there is a support group out there for us all?

There's the support thread on this forum Sarahr, not the same as meeting up face to face but it's been running for more than 11 years and is a great place to share and be understood and supported.

NO Dizzyribs you are not ^ inadequate, unlikeable unlovable and beyond help^ .

Applegran

One of my children many years ago went to see a counsellor and then verbally attacked me in a way which I found devastating. We were not estranged, but I did sometimes walk on eggshells, till I finally asked to resolve whatever was still troubling between us. Naming it even without going further swept it away and there are no more eggshells. I do wonder if there are counsellors who look for things which may not be there, or which they seize on and dramatise beyond what is really present. The authority which comes with their role with vulnerable clients could be misused, even if not intentionally. I actually believe counselling and psychotherapy can be very important in helping people become freer and happier - but when it is not done well, can lead to terrible results. I feel so much for those who are estranged from the children they love.

Some counsellors (not all) encourage problems when some things aren’t/needn’t be a problem.

It’s a vested interest - they only earn a living if people think they need counselling.

Some are good, but many are potentially harmful.😗

Good counsellors never encourage or manifest in the minds of their clients problems that don't exist and those that do aren't potentially harmful, they're absolutely harmful.

Telling people that counselors make up problems is dangerous. That message can be a tactic to discourage abused people from seeking help and continuing to control the narrative about what happened. The truth is that children bury abuse deep down and it often will not rise to ther surface until they are safe. Abusers will discourage their victims from seeking help so they don't remember or act on the bad behavior or try to leave. Insisting to the victim and to others that your relationship with them was always loving and caring and healthy until the abused person acts on the abuse is common.

If an abuser is saying abuse didn't happen? If they make you question your reality? If they dismiss your feelings about a bad interaction with them? If they are saying your therapist is a quack who is trying to break up your family? The benefit an abuser may get from that is obvious.

The anti-therapist strategy is well-known among estranged children. It's transparent.

I'm not saying this applies to any specific person here, only reflecting on the anti-therapist sentiment.

The word used was some User; some counsellors.

I know all about how abused children bury their abuse, I did so myself. We are all aware I'm sure that abusers discourage their victims from seeking help, and will actively distance their victims from anyone who may be able to see that there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.

That sometimes materialises in the AC being coercively controlled and manipulated into estranging his/her parents and family.

Recognising the damage that has been and can be done by 'bad' therapists and counsellors isn't anti therapist sentiment it's simply a recognition of how a system that is designed to help, can hinder.

I am a strong advocate of counselling and psychotherapy, and just floated the idea that there may be some practitioners who are not as good as we'd like them to be. We all need wise people to talk to.
I have just read in the newspaper reference to a book called 'Rules of Estrangement' by Dr Joshua Coleman and it is about family estrangement. I have of course not read it, but mention it because it might be relevant or helpful for some people.

It can be very beneficial Applegran but not all counsellors and psychotherapists are as good as they should be.

Smileless - I agree. I want to encourage people who feel they need support to consider psychotherapy or counselling - it can make a huge difference. I think only a very small number of practitioners are not as good as they should be. I hope anyone who needs support does look for and find the support they need.

SueinEspana

We estranged my MIL (since deceased) to basically, save our marriage. My FIL had died and there was no one to stop her constant malicious interfering. We tried to reconcile some years later, but meeting her again just confirmed we had been right to break away. She died years later without ever seeing us again.

This sadly may be the fate of our family as well. For us, my confidence went through the roof when I was able to confidently let go of that relationship. My husband did a complete 180 turn and became much more assertive and confident in protecting our family. It's a shame. My MIL is a great-gran now and her own toxicity has kept her family away.

It seems to affect most peoples confidence, there are so many trying to find reasons and solutions to a problem we cant fix. Recently in hospital I witnessed first hand the love shown between mothers and adult children. I was always a nuisance I think, couldn't do anything right, she let me know i wasn't good enough.. So I just am what I am, I’ve my son and family and friends who don’t see me like that and realised some time ago I'm not a failure for the way my d is.
You suffer greatly for a time, eventually we accept you cant change anything so make the most of life because they are not worrying. There are loads estranged we just didn't see them before, I remember my grandmother had a very difficult daughter and they avoided each other, it wasn't mentioned and it wasn't estrangement either, it was a close family and if this daughter had estranged her mother she would not have been welcomed. Now they bin you and the rest of the family too in a lot of instances, its getting more common.
.

*My daughter told me that she wasn’t blaming me, whilst detailing every incident and perceived wrong I have done to her since birth and telling me that these have caused her extreme mental trauma, eating disorders and depression. It hurts and can’t be undone.
I will never be the same and question everything I say to anyone now. I’m virtually a recluse. Very reduced social life and hardly ever talk to anyone. It’s so lonely, but better than the constant accusations.*
I could have written this myself, Dizzyribs
Sending love.

I have a low opinion of counselling/therapy, but that’s my opinion, the simple fact is if a grown child feels they have problems with their parents a good counsellor should suggest family counselling unless there are personal safety concerns.
Just taking a person’s version of something without having context or balance and then advising them based upon that can never be a good thing.