Has Estrangement Affected Your Confidence

Hi Allsorts, like you, I believe an enforced estrangement does knock your confidence. I find myself being ultra careful with what I say now, to the point where I’d rather avoid contact with people.

I agree, my daughters have estranged us and I feel ashamed. I very rarely “confess” to being estranged as people will judge me and wonder what kind of a monster I am that my children had to “protect themselves from me”.
It’s a very lonely place to be and I send you hugs

Yes it did very much, maybe never to be regained completely. I feel for you.
Now I see my GD although parents are still in dispute I don't think I will ever be the same person again, but I don't try to be.
I know I am loved by many people.
I would advise you try to see those around you who show you love as the most important people, regardless of whether they are blood or not.
I really hope that some day these issues will be resolved, but if not I also hope you can try to value those good relationships you have as much as the ones you crave.
Take care.

It gave me the confidence and freedom to be myself, I don't have to put the fake facade my parents approved off

If the subject comes up, I just say: we do not get along.
The subject is usually dropped.

Approved of, sorry

Yes it knocked my confidence. I suffered a breakdown and am still on meds many years later. My husband has also suffered ill health. We don’t speak about it because people can be very judgemental in cases like this. If you are the grown child who has become estranged from parents everyone offers support but if you are the parent of an estranged grown child many will assume the parents did something wrong.
We also feel that nothing we do is quite good enough anymore, and though our other 3 grown daughters keep assuring us we are doing an ok job we constantly have to remind ourselves of this.
But like you we have moved on, finally, we are moving house, looking forward to a new chapter. And after all there is no other way but forwards.
And life really is too short.

@mogsmaw
This ‘monstering’ they do is unforgivable.
I once remarked to my husband that war criminals would probs get a better hearing.
But on this forum it is a safe a space at least.
And is good to know that there are others out there who have suffered the same.
We have met a few parents who have been through the same thing and they said they knew many more.
This is not uncommon and we are not alone x

For me it has improved my confidence without all the put downs freely given by my mother. I left it late in life though and I will never know the person I could have been with a loving supportive mother.

My mother's side of the family estranged me when I walked away, I couldn't tell them all the awful things she said about them or the awful things she did to me. I couldn't bring myself to cause anyone else any pain.

I will always have the lingering feelings of not being good enough, when someone tells you, from childhood, that you aren't what they wanted in many ways it sticks. I can fight it now though because I have a good support system and I can try to drown out that little voice in my head saying it was my fault she didn't love me.

My mother will always call it love, she will always say that she loved me but she doesn't know what it really is, she doesn't know how to truly love someone and watch them blossom. She only loves what reflects well on her and what focuses back on herself.

So sorry VS. But don’t waste time on thinking about what could have been if you had a supportive loving mother. You will never know. Live the life you have now and make the most of every day.

Estranging from my parents grew my confidence. It was a hard choice to make because it goes against everything I was raised to believe about family. But, it was the best decision I could have made for myself. I knew I couldn't grow as a person the way I wanted with my family still in my life.

The person I am now would be unacceptable in my family, and that is okay. I'm proud of who I am.

The negative feelings around the estrangement faded with time. Some people aren't meant to be in each other's lives forever. I'm proud that I was strong enough to recognize this before the dysfunctional family dynamic beat any independence out of me.

No it didn't knock my confidence. But did make me angry to realise my son could be so cruel and cowardly. He wasn't brought up that way. He should have told me to my face what he was going to do . And say all the things he put in the email and he would have been put right on his accusations and assumptions. But I will always love my son but the loving caring son I knew not who he is now. He has changed but so have I am no longer the mom he knew. This mom would not have put up with the crap I had off him and my daughter in law. But living over 100 miles away I was just happy being with them.

I will always love and miss my grandsons even the one I never met or know his name so I gave him one as I can't bear the thought of him not having one.

But I decided last autumn to contact my son for the third time had abuse back so I am done. No more hoping to see him or my 3 grandson's ever again.

When people ask if I have children I always 2 and 5 grandson's. And if they say do I see them all I say no my son decided to give me the sack as his mom in 2020 via email so I don't see him or 3 of my grandsons. But I have a wonderful daughter ,son in law and 2 grandson's who I see often. Lost count of the number of people who have told me about their estrangement from family . Estrangement has to long been a taboo subject. And thankfully it's coming out of the shadows .

But sadly parents always get the blame and even people on the estrangement don't believe me when I say I don't know the real reason why my son estranged me . But not just me but all over side of the family.

But I live my life to the full and what my son has done doesn't hurt me . My husband dieing 20 years ago hurts me everyday as the grief never dies and as the years go by the grief gets worse you just learn to live with it but can still be overwhelming at times.

If my son thought to destroy me then he has failed . My son and daughter in law are not perfect parents as there is no such thing . And one day their children will tell them all the things they did wrong bringing them up . Especially when they get partners of their own . Karma is a bitch.

@whiff
We also are in the dark as to what truly motivated our daughter to behave the way she did. She has said plenty but little of any real consequence, nothing we can really pin down between the torrents of abuse.
Our other grown daughters are loving and kind and have been estranged from her also. We raised them all the same way.
But have stopped soul searching, it is what it is.
All the best x

Yes Allsorts being estranged did affect my confidence considerably in the beginning. Now 11.5 years later a lot of it has returned but I don't think I'll ever be as confident as I used to be.

This 'monstering' they do is unforgiveable yes it is Babs, especially if it affects other family relationships. There was a time when we thought we might lose our DS too because of his brother and s.i.l.

When that time appeared to have past I told our DS what we'd feared and he said he knew, but that he isn't like his brother and would never do that to us.

Like you we're in the dark but as we'd been so close until he married and they had their first child, we're as sure as we can be that his wife is the cause.

Looking back there were signs and one or two red flags but you never think it will happen to you. The possibility never entered our minds but TBH until it did happen, we had no idea how prevalent it is and really believed that we were the only ones.

If my son thought he'd destroy me then he has failed ours too Whiff but he did come frighteningly close.

Reading your stories makes me feel very sad indeed for all of you. I can not begin to imagine the pain and damage that estrangement from AC must bring.
Having thought about that it seems you are all managing in the best way you can - Whiff , I can an understand you giving a name to your GS you have never met , I get that.
Don't know what else to say other than , keep on going in the way you are , enjoy those who love you,- and rejoice in life , we have only one and I imagine with self preservation comes strength? 💐💐💐💐

What a lovely post Shelflife

Thankyou smileless. I keep thinking how fortunate I am !

It made me wonder why I ever had children in the first place. Only one daughter actually estranged, but the other likes to point out my faults quite often and rather dramatically.

I never thought it would happen to us. I told one "friend" the reasons for the estrangement, but she definitely didn't understand and made me feel about two inches high. As a result I don't talk to anyone about the situation.

I still struggle with the whole business and veer between having some confidence in myself to absolutely non at all.
As a young person I thought about being a nun.................aahh that's where I went wrong !

I feel your pain , my 4 children tried to destroy me , one was very toxic and told me he would turn the others , and he did , i tried to take my life due to his behaviour , i was so low ! i got found by friends, and i am glad , i got therapy , removed all toxic people , and my kids , they are in 30s and 40s , (still got my daughter 23 ) , and i have been the happiest i have every been , dont get my wrong , i love my kids so much but will not be a part of their toxic behaviour , they can knock the door anytime and i will treat them as if non of the behaviour happened , it took me 5 years to heal , i must have been a ok parent as i have adopted a 15 yr old boy ,

please try and think we are not in control of their behaviour , they are adults and you deserve a lot better , sending you lots of hugs xxxxx

It nearly destroyed me. It's like a bereavement when one of your children wants to have anything to do with you when you worked so hard to raise them well.
You still love them but have to try to put it in the back shelf so to speak.
Sending love to all who are in similar situations xx

My son and daughter in law estranged us by whatsapp last October without a reason why. We have heard absolutely nothing since. I miss them and my two beautiful grandchildren everyday.
It has knocked my confidence and increased my anxiety so much that i get many more migraines than i used to and my doctor has put me on medication.
Fortunately I have my daughter, sil and gd and gs (whom he also is estranged from) who are very loving, keep in touch and can’t understand my son either.
I find it very difficult when people ask after them all , I just tend to pretend that its all ok.

It's been nine years. In that time she's had two children. I found out through the grapevine. I've seen her at a distance three times in that period. Haven't seen her kids. I take comfort from the fact that she has systematically ticked off several family members from her Christmas card list since 'cancelling' me.

I thought she might make contact when she learned I had cancer a couple of years ago, but no. I may never know what happened; I don't care. I'm living my life. Perhaps her kids will find me when they're of age. Perhaps they'll treat her like sh*t in future. Who knows?

@Whiff
So sorry to hear your story. We in similar situation. DiL (we think) has personality disorder and has estranged our son and 3 beautiful GC. It has nearly broken me, feeling less confident and more vulnerable. Massive flare up of IBS as result and getting some counselling. We have stood by our son for years, loved him unconditionally and helped financially. Thank you all for sharing your stories. This is the hardest thing DH and I have had to cope with in life.....

Estranged from daughter, well as i say EX daughter. I feel for you all, i wish i had othets but she was only child. I could no longer pander to ger narcissist behaviour it exhausted, and distressed me far too much. Her i care not one jot about, to behave as she has killed any affection i had for her. But my granddaughter, i totally adore her and of course am estranged from her too. Aged 7 i have a long while to wait before the hope i have of her seeing me is realised. But i couldn't go on any longer it affects me greatly, tears, not sleeping etc. But you have to try to put it to the back if your mind not always possible i know

I felt like that too, but after lots of counselling and healing and delving into ancestral traits, I was awakened to the fact that I AM good enough and I AM worthy. I made mistakes, but I am no longer that person. If people want to judge me because both my children have deserted me I can't help that. I have a whole host of other family and friends who love me. It still hurts, every second of every day and I ache with missing them, but they have to work out their issues by themselves. Sending strength to you x