Estrangers and their 'entitled' expectations

Sara1954

March, I think you’re right, I think we just put up with stuff, looking back at what I meekly put up with makes me quite angry now.

Well done you. Done, no drama.

I'm sorry you are angry now, however having horrid people near could be far worse, in my opinion. Clean breaks are advantageous.

Thank you Smileless, I know your situation from many conversations, I also know you have been a huge support to others.
Every situation is different, you are right, we shouldn’t judge each other.

however having horrid people near could be far worse, in my opinion I agree Norah. Despite what we have lost I think having our ES's wife in our lives would have been far worse in the long term.

Norah, you’re right, I’m only angry at myself for being such a doormat!

Let go of the anger Sara and be proud of what you've done. It may have taken a while, but you got there in the end.

I havent seen or spoken to my daughter in nearly 10 years. Thankfully her dad, my daughters ex husband got in touch with my and I have only missed out on 2 years of their childrens lives. My granddaughters. They are teenagers now and text when they want to come and stay. BUT one of them recently asked me outright just what they were going to get when I die. I was shocked, saddened and disappointed. I have not included my daughter in my will but I am leaving something for my grand kids but I do not see a need to tell them in advance. I hope to live until I am 100 and stuff the lot of them.

Whoops sorry, should read. Thankfully my granddaughters dad, my daughters ex husband got in touch with me etc.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect inheritance from someone you didn't want in your life.

Likewise, I don't think anyone who would use the threat of losing an inheritance is someone to keep in your life.

If the goal is peace and healing, as estrangement is a last resort to, putting a monetary value on it by way of inheritance just feels so wrong.

I hope to live until I am 100 and stuff the lot of them sounds like a plan Purplepixie .

I would have thought threatening to take away someone's inheritance if they don't do what you want is a sure fire way of losing the relationship.

Emotional blackmail isn't how I would expect a reconciliation!

No me Bridie or what I expect a healthy relationship to be based on.

My mother has told my husband often that if I don’t go and see her she’ll cut me out of her will, what sort of person would that make me? A greedy, hypocritical person is what, and it infuriates me that she thinks I might be tempted.

I agree with the OP that it does appear to be a growing trend, along with labelling people as narcissists at the drop of a hat.
Going no contact seems to be another phrase frequently used, along with flying monkeys etc.

I, personally, don’t have experience of this but I have a good friend who’s a victim of such behaviour. To say she’s been devastated is an understatement. She’s been run ragged by her two AS and really gone out of her way to do everything for them. One weekend couldn’t visit and bang! Finished. No longer required, couldn’t see grandchildren anymore and as if she doesn’t exist. I know this lady very well and she isn’t in the slightest bit pushy or demanding, far from it. 8 years since this happened and she suffers terribly with anxiety brought on by this.

I accept some parents are toxic and AC need to cut contact but I do believe it’s something of a trend and that some selfish AC just don’t want to be bothered with their parents anymore so cook up excuses.

If it happened to me with no good reason I would cut them out of my will, no matter how upsetting.

Agreed, Birdie. Not a lot of information in the OP but based on the very limited details it looks like learned behaviour for the family.

Can't babysit--we won't you include you in our lives much.

Don't include me? I'll disinherit you.

Surely there are more healthy ways to resolve family conflict than to emotionally blackmail each other.

Maybe family counselling would be beneficial. It teach tools of effective communication so that messages can get across without the anger and threats.

Well you've shown her that you're not tempted Sara .

Your poor friend tickingbird, dumped because she couldn't babysit. When I read things like this I can't help but hope that what goes around does come around.

I agree Feverjo there is limited information in the OP so limited in fact that I'm wondering why you've said that it looks like learned behaviour for the family .

We have been able to heal since becoming estranged from our daughter. When I remember all the abuse to our faces and online, how we had to tread on egg shells around her, and the constant put downs making us feel 2 inches tall, it reminds me why all our lives are more tolerable without her in them, ourselves and our other 3 daughters.
Sadly I also became estranged from my sister who took sides with my daughter and joined in a racist chorus against my husband.
Am still on meds but have come through the breakdown and am looking forward to moving to a new house and starting a new chapter.
We still send money/presents and cards on birthdays and Xmas to our daughter and GCs, but not sure how much longer we should do it, don’t even know if she gives what we buy to the GCs anyway.

Good news about your move and the new chapter you'll be starting Babs.

It was the best thing we could have done and has really helped us on our healing journey. So much so that after 7.5 years our time here has ended and we are moving again to begin another new chapter.

If and when the time comes to stop sending money, presents and cards for birthdays and Christmas you'll know it's right. It took me by surprise a couple of years ago when we decided to stop sending cards to our GC; we never sent gifts or money.

A bigger surprise was disposing of the memory box a few weeks ago we've had for the GC, and have added too over the years since we were estranged.

Smileless2012

Good news about your move and the new chapter you'll be starting Babs.

It was the best thing we could have done and has really helped us on our healing journey. So much so that after 7.5 years our time here has ended and we are moving again to begin another new chapter.

If and when the time comes to stop sending money, presents and cards for birthdays and Christmas you'll know it's right. It took me by surprise a couple of years ago when we decided to stop sending cards to our GC; we never sent gifts or money.

A bigger surprise was disposing of the memory box a few weeks ago we've had for the GC, and have added too over the years since we were estranged.

We started a memory box but I got too upset by it.
Thanks for your kind comments.
x

You're welcome Babs. I wish you peace and happiness in your new home x .

I will add that I think in large part this is a one sided problem. At least it seems to be from where I stand. I’ve met in life over the years a handful or more of people who , for one reason or the other were estranged from their parents - and with the advent of online forums many online. Not one has ever expected to receive or wanted any sort of inheritance. Nearly all
Had been threatened with losing one when they cut contact - and
On here there’s often posts of estranged parents worrying about how and when “to cut them off”. Most people who estrange seem to not
Care nearly as much about the “inheritance “ as those being estranged seem to think they do

Hit post too soon!

So my advice would be to spend the money of yourselves. , live your life to its fullest and leave anything left over to whomever you want.

I can attest to this as well, as my husband wouldn't so much as attend an estate meeting much less accept an inheritance.

That's my advice too Grams and for anyone whose been estranged and worries that not leaving their estranger an inheritance is the wrong thing to do, hopefully they'll be reassured by those who have estranged that an inheritance wouldn't be wanted anyway.

I think for most of us who have estranged our parents, we would have liked a different story.
I was always envious of my friends who were close with their families, I would have loved to have been part of an affectionate loving family.
I also had a good relationship with my in-laws, my mother in law could be annoying at times, but she was always kind and generous, and I loved my father in law. We were together from a young age, and they always looked out for me.
So although I don’t consider myself to be without blame, I know I tried my best.
Sometimes people just don’t like each other, and nothing can change that