Red flags

It takes a village... but if the village is denied, what is the cost to the child? well put 00opsidia.

Well.... I am that child so I know, so it was a rhetorical question.

I feel that estrangement goes in cycles within families, at least it has been my painful experience. The roots of dysfunction are deep and I've tried my utmost but it's not been "enough".

Well, said, OOopsidia - estrangement can run in families, like many things, although not always.

It also feels, at times, that some view other family members as a bit like products. Easily disposed of.

Sorry that your experience has been so poor, with your own family. 💐

As a kid my mother estranged from her parents and siblings so I lost all my family on that side. Later on she estranged from other people including my kid. I think she set a bad example to my kid because they then went on and estranged the whole family including me or maybe it's just genetic, but I'm more like the other side of the family who didn't estrange anyone.

It just seems like be estranged or estrange. It's nature over nurture. Having done my best, here I am. It's hard not to give up hope.

00opsidia

As a kid my mother estranged from her parents and siblings so I lost all my family on that side. Later on she estranged from other people including my kid. I think she set a bad example to my kid because they then went on and estranged the whole family including me or maybe it's just genetic, but I'm more like the other side of the family who didn't estrange anyone.

It just seems like be estranged or estrange. It's nature over nurture. Having done my best, here I am. It's hard not to give up hope.

Yes, I think that there can be this family habit of casually disposing of family members who “displease”.

I’m not sure it’s genetic, perhaps more from watching others.

Either way, it causes a lot of upset and stress.

We can only do our best, and if that’s not enough, then that’s the way it must be. Sad though, for any children involved.

Best wishes. 💐

I wish I could say that every adult in charge of safeguarding children were safe people themselves but unfortunately I can't and was involved in whistle blowing myself recently

It's a sad indictment on society today that those in positions of trust and authority, who should be beyond reproach when it comes to the protection of children, can't always be trusted.

Red flag really, if a person can't be decent around other adults, then they aren't safe around children either

Abusive people just don't become magically non abusive around children

Child abusers often are, or appear to be 'decent' around adults which is how they too often go undetected.

Yes, abusers don’t have it tattooed on their foreheads. They usually come across, in general, as “nice” people, which is why people are fooled.

Having said that, the vast majority of people are not abusers, even if estranged from other family members.

Family fall-outs and estrangements happen for a variety of reasons.🙂

If only they did have it tattooed on their foreheads DL then we'd know who to avoid .

Abuse isn't the sole reason for estrangement or necessarily the most common, it's a factor in some of course but not all.

I think sometimes we make too many reasons up to excuse vile people. If your gut goes 'punch', then it is probably right. Why permit semi vile behaviour, comments, just because the red flag person is close family. I think the word 'no' delivered in as many ways as possible does toughen your personal boundaries. Be on your guard when you first meet someone, don't get carried away into their orbit because you think they are marvellous, until they prove themselves to be trustworthy.

I suppose it depends on which family member the red flag person is Tuaim, the nature of the relationship and whether the red flag person is a family member of the partner of a family member.

For me, it's never been a case of making up reasons to excuse the behaviour but finding a way of dealing with it without alienating the family member, in our case our son who estranged us in the end anyway, because of the influence of his wife.

From the behaviour of my adult step-children, they were the abusers. 🤷‍♀️

I finally drew a line under their nonsense, when DH died - but, for 18 years, I had to put up with “bouncing estrangements” with their whims and tantrums. ☹️

Watching your DH being abused by his own children must have been heartbreaking DL.

It wasn’t good. But, I’ve outed them now from my life. 🙂

VioletSky

I wish I could say that every adult in charge of safeguarding children were safe people themselves but unfortunately I can't and was involved in whistle blowing myself recently

Eeek that must have been so awful VS.

Smileless2012

I suppose it depends on which family member the red flag person is Tuaim, the nature of the relationship and whether the red flag person is a family member of the partner of a family member.

For me, it's never been a case of making up reasons to excuse the behaviour but finding a way of dealing with it without alienating the family member, in our case our son who estranged us in the end anyway, because of the influence of his wife.

Bouncing estrangements seem like a good way of putting it. Terrible situation.

Yes, when it's family , the shock of how I've been treated is so severe, I haven't even been able to talk about it all. I would never tolerate it from anyone else. I have months of abuse (in writing) and voice messages too, full of hatred. Trying to decide what to do with them.

I think there comes a point when you have to put your own welfare first 00opsidia, when you have to put to one side who is abusing you because this is abuse, and take whatever steps you need too to protect yourself.

00opsidia

Smileless2012

I suppose it depends on which family member the red flag person is Tuaim, the nature of the relationship and whether the red flag person is a family member of the partner of a family member.

For me, it's never been a case of making up reasons to excuse the behaviour but finding a way of dealing with it without alienating the family member, in our case our son who estranged us in the end anyway, because of the influence of his wife.

Bouncing estrangements seem like a good way of putting it. Terrible situation.

Yes, when it's family , the shock of how I've been treated is so severe, I haven't even been able to talk about it all. I would never tolerate it from anyone else. I have months of abuse (in writing) and voice messages too, full of hatred. Trying to decide what to do with them.

Well, it was easier for me, with my step-children, after DH had died, because I was so furious over what they’d put my husband through, when he was alive.

They agreed he had been a lovely Dad, but their tantrums were all about them and their wants and needs.

I had to put up with it when DH was alive- I certainly didn’t have to after he’d died.

As they found out…😷

Any adult can be unreasonable -it’s not all about older/estranged parents.

I think you need to, first and foremost, look after you. Think about what you need,

Best wishes. 💐

I had a "friend" who I used to travel several miles to see. She never came to see me. When I arrived her first question was always what time would I be leaving. Then we would go to shops she wanted to go to, often to buy cards for her friends (I never got cards from her). Then sometimes back to her house where she would (reluctantly I think) make me a sandwich. Once she even drove us to the tip as she needed to get rid of some stuff. She never asked me anything about my life and did not remember much about me or my family. Needless to say, we are no longer in touch.

Oopsodia It was the most stressful time honestly

Good grief Skydancer, I have no idea how long this 'friendship' lasted but glad you're no longer in touch.

Smileless2012

I think there comes a point when you have to put your own welfare first 00opsidia, when you have to put to one side who is abusing you because this is abuse, and take whatever steps you need too to protect yourself.

I suppose it doesn't matter who it is, abuse is abuse. You're right Smileless

So sorry VioletSky I can imagine! Not done anything the same, but been involved with child neglect cases which were super upsetting.

Oh dear Skydancer How awful and boring. You'd probably have more fun alone than with someone like that. So sorry you had that experience.

VioletSky

Oopsodia It was the most stressful time honestly

It is very stressful isn't it. Been involved several times similarly, so I empathise.