As we all know, there are many different scenarios that lead to estrangement in families and every one is unique. There are posts from estranged parents here about EAC who cut them off with little information or warning, parents who have been estranged over something seemingly trivial, and posts from EAC who have understandably decided to protect themselves and their families from future harm after years of abuse.
Sometimes EAC are described as having "thrown their parents away" or being cruel and disinterested. I am not doubting that is the case for some, and impossibly painful to cope with. I just wanted to give the perspective of a EAC who was very reluctant to estrange. For some EAC, they have tried to reach out to their parents numerous times, and would have loved for their parents to enter into a discussion about the situation so it could be resolved, only to be met with denial, refusal to listen, insults and complete lack of self reflection. For some EAC this can keep going round in circles for years because they really believe, or perhaps just hope, that something will shift one day and the situation can be resolved. They write letters, emails, have phone calls trying to explain the issue, only to be told at a later date that their parents have got no idea what the issue is.
They too see the adverts on TV of the perfect families at Christmas, or have an idea in their head about how things should be, and feel sad that they don't have that. But eventually, accept that the situation isn't healthy for anyone involved and it would be less toxic to cut ties and end the cycle.
I'm not quite sure what my message is. Perhaps just to remind everyone that every single situation is completely unique, and that an outsider can never fully understand the ins and outs. That EAC sometimes do give the reasons for estrangement and yet their parents claim not to know it, and some EPs do genuinely not know the reason, and that both of those situations are infuriating and heartbreaking. That some EAC may have been influenced by a third party, but also that some EPs do put the blame on a third party because it's easier than accepting dysfunction in their own family. But someone else having the opposite experience to yours does not invalidate your experience, and there is room for empathy for people on all sides.
I cannot understand the reasoning behind the "troll" posts but if they are intended to change people's ways of thinking, unfortunately they only serve to separate EAC from EPs who might otherwise benefit from hearing each others points if view.
Let's not make assumptions either way about people we know so little about.
Indeed a large thank you for this discussion, it is helping me carefully consider situations in my own family and what potentially went wrong there. I do not wish to take sides and I will not but I am starting to see my children had the right end of the stick with their thoughts.
I have found this thread very interesting, I feel equally for estranged adult children, and estranged parents, you can’t possibly generalise, every estrangement will be different.
My only piece of advice would be, once you’ve made your decision, stick to it, and don’t look back.
Blood isn’t necessarily thicker than water, enjoy what you have, and don’t give anyone the satisfaction of thinking they’re so damn important that your happiness is completely dependant on them.
I think anyone whose experienced estrangement from either perspective knows that blood isn't thicker than water.
I agree with your sentiment about not giving anyone the satisfaction of thinking they're so damn important that your happiness is completely dependant on them.
A lot of the posts we see here on GN from EP's and EAC show that we're responsible for our own happiness.
For me estrangement is like a living bereavement. My little grandson is now ten and I still long to see him
Sallywally1 estrangement is a living bereavement but at least those who estrange us are still living . Last time I saw my grandsons with my son and daughter in law they where 4&2 they are now 8&6. Their brother is 4 knew he was due in July 2020. But don't know his name or date of birth as my son estranged me May 2020 . But I have given my grandson a name as it's hard to think of him without one .
But my son made his choice I had no say as he hasn't spoke or seen me since my birthday which was 4 days before his email . I had no idea what was to come . But he has dumped all over side of the family .
I feel sorry for my grandsons they won't remember me so growing up not knowing they have another nannie ,aunt,uncle ,2 cousins ,great aunt and uncle and 3rd cousins. And no family history on their dad's side. I just hope my son has told them about his dad who died in 2004 when he was 16 and his sister 20 . He's dad was 47 I was 45.
I am lucky I have a loving and caring daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's and living my life to the full. My husband dieing has hurt me far more than what my son has done . I live with that grief everyday and as the years go by it gets worse as my husband has missed so much . He was looking forward to being a grandad in the future unfortunately he had no future . But we had a great past . And my daughter's boys know about their grandad she has told them about and so have I . My husband lives in my children's and grandsons DNA and that gives me comfort.
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