Sons partner dislikes me , now son is very very distant , estranged.

Another rather simple question and one that needs analysing to help people avoid estrangement is why do some automatically assume that it's the mother or m.i.l. who is at fault?

Smileless2012

I agree Babs, the issue for the OP is that her d.i.l. doesn't like her and it appears that this dislike has impacted on the relationship she has with her son, and how often she sees her GC.

Indeed. I think the clue is right there in plain sight. And the fact is the son’s partner hasn’t said she dislikes the son’s mother for reasons that can easily be rectified. The mother really can’t just be less happy or de-clutter her house, and even if she does I think the son’s partner might not take to her. The onus here is upon the son to see his mother separately with the GCs. The only solution in my opinion.

Agreeing with you again Babs. If your husband/wife/partner doesn't like your parent(s) then see them with any children on your own; simples.

Some questions are rather difficult to answer without a lot of looking into your own self. I understand.

My DD1 married someone who just didn’t want to spend time with us. His mum said she didn’t share her son with anyone and I feel over the years she has completely taken my daughter and grandchildren from me. My DD no longer really talks to us or wants to spend time with her family we just seem to irritate her now and just a couple of duty visits a year happen. I have tried to talk to her but she just gets angry with me saying there is no problem so I just accept the situation but feel sad. It is what it is. She seems very happy with her in laws and they do lots together. I feel sad for my younger DD in that she has no interest in her either!

Maybe you could try to spend time with your son and grandchildren on their own. I tried that but didn’t work for me.

I just don’t know why it went so wrong but you cannot flog a dead horse.

@GrannyIvy, you sum it up when you say you cannot flog a dead horse, we too are in this position but don’t even get duty visits. It is what it is. We have got on with our lives knowing that she is getting on with hers. We did our best for her and that is all that matters. Her choice to kick us to the curb.
You must make the most of your life, and cherish the love of those around you.
Take care 🌺🙏🏾

The saying holds from what I have seen. How many times do we see on here " Oh yes, daughters in law will.always be closer to their own mum than to dhs' family. " They pull the husbands in.that direction as well. It's just the way it is.

Take the bull by the horns and ask your son what is the problem.

GrannyIvy as your post demonstrates it's not just d's.i.l.,it can be s's.i.l too.

As Babs has posted, you've summed it up by saying you can't flog a dead horse so it's a waste of time and energy to do so, time and energy more productively spent on making the most of who and what we have.

Exactly fluttERBY which is why if perhaps it wasn't bandied about, maybe fewer mothers of sons would feel they're being pushed out.

Jogs,does she have her own friends? Why did you have a welcome baby party?Surely she has friends ! Does she work , or did she before the children? Do they live nearby? If so,could you just nip in for a few minutes,say you are not stopping ,so that she doesn’t feel threatened.Would it break the ice?

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your son. We had a similar situation with my youngest DS and his previous partner, who ignored us in our own home. She came from a very different background to my son. She’s very argumentative and even though they’re no longer together she cast a long shadow and we nearly lost our son to suicide. Thankfully he’s in a much better place, he’s now happily married, but the fear never leaves me.

Cateq

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your son. We had a similar situation with my youngest DS and his previous partner, who ignored us in our own home. She came from a very different background to my son. She’s very argumentative and even though they’re no longer together she cast a long shadow and we nearly lost our son to suicide. Thankfully he’s in a much better place, he’s now happily married, but the fear never leaves me.

So glad your son is now enjoying his life, what an awful time it must have been for all of you.
Just goes to show that for all the much repeated accusation of parents creating a toxic environment - which I add can happen in some instances but by no means all - spouses and partners can also create a toxic environment, displaying coercive and manipulative behaviours.
Sending hugs 🤗

Meghan Markle anyone?

Your DIL may well not like you and that's got to be very upsetting but it's your son who hasn't maintained the previous good relationship with you. Obviously his priorities had to change, his first priority has to be to his wife and children now but he could still have a good relationship with you. Why doesn't he stand on his own two feet and tell his wife he's going to see you or take the grandchildren to see you or whatever? I really feel that you can't blame the DIL for all of this umpleasant though she may well be.

I’m so sorry that you are having a miserable time, but one thing I have learned from much reading about family and in-law relationships, is that sometimes dislike from a relative, in-law or anyone, is quite random and is just how the other person operates. I think you’ll find that your DiL has an ‘issue’ with many other people too. And disliking you for being too ‘happy’ - oh, come on, what is she thinking?

My lovely step-daughter, for example, has married into a family where her MiL, who has four adult children, has taken a huge dislike to someone in each one of their marriages. She hates all 3 of the sons-in-law and in a horrible twist of fate, she really dislikes and ignores me, ie the ‘other granny’. She’s far too sensible to hate my step-daughter, ie her daughter-in-law, so I’m sadly the one she has chosen to dislike. It’s her modus operandi!

Have lost count of the sleepless nights and upsets that I’ve had over this, unfortunately she is also very manipulative with our grandchildren. Like others on this thread, I wish I could go back 20 years and just ignore her.

PS Your idea of a ‘welcome baby party’ seems absolutely lovely, you were welcoming both mother and baby into your family, and I think that many DiL’s would have loved it.

Onwards!

🌷🌷🌷

It’s sad when this happens and of course you try to understand when and how it had happened and usually find faults with yourself. Some of the advice here is sound and helpful: keep the lines of communication open with your son as much as possible, never discuss his wife’s awful behaviour with him, and most importantly waste as little time as you can on introspection and ruminations and look after your husband and yourself and enjoy your time together.

I don't think this is necessarily personal and is just a choice by your son based on his priorities.

You have raised him to be independent and able to take care of his own family and that is something to be commended but, with that, comes the realisation that you were once the most important woman in his life and now you are extended family to him and he has his own immediate family who come first. That's a tough transition and it was brave of you to seek out counselling to help you deal with the change in dynamic.

He had lots of time for you when single. Now it's likely he's working a full time job, prioritising his relationship (as he should) and making time to spend with his kids as a dad. Many little families look forward to weekends so they can finally spend quality time together and this generally means extended family take a back seat.

Rather than look at what you don't have - look at what you do have. You say you're retired now so is there anything you have ever wanted to do that is for YOU? Travelling? Interest in a new hobby? Even places you've always wanted to visit for a day out with hubby?

I think the best way to deal with this would just be to shift your focus and do things that make you happy.

You could be right Mamasperspective, but it's difficult not to take it personally when the close relationship you had with your AC becomes distant once they marry, and their husband or wife has actually said they don't like you.

I think a mother must mentally prepare for that dynamic to change as accidentally alienating themselves through fighting against it will rather obviously cause the tension and distance they wish to avoid. Simple logic hard to see when emotion takes over.

I had this with my son. I tried to ignore the snubs etc from his girlfriend who became his wife. She didn’t want anything to do with me or the family. We ‘ve been estranged for 10 years now.

Some women are territorial and I’m afraid she’s one of them. I’m not an overbearing mother and have my own life fortunately, but it hurt me very much. I have 3,grandsons I never see. I get on very well with my younger son’s wife and with her mother. I don’t understand how some people live with themselves. I only hope she gets a visit from karma when her sons’ partners do the same to her.

Incidentally, I don’t see my son as blameless as he shouldn’t have been so weak but “happy wife, happy life” I suppose.

Of course the dynamic of the relationship changes, but that's not the same as a seismic shift which is sometimes the case.

I don't understand how some people live with themselves either surfsup, but I suspect those 'territorial' partners simply have no care for anyone other than themselves.

"happy wife, happy life"; I wonder.

Romola

This so sad for you, Jogr. I hope the relationship with the young couple eases as time goes by, as it did for us. Our DiL really hated our family and refused to come to our 30th wedding anniversary party. But eventually she became quite affectionate towards us.
I found that light-hearted e-mail and later WhatsApp messages, no too frequent, also genuine interest in her work, made a difference. I think so, anyway. Also, the fact that she was and is married to a truly lovely man! And knows it.

I think it is great that you healed your relationship with your DIL. I wish my MIL would take an interest in me. I'm not estranged, but she never takes an interest in my work or anything I do. I don't think she'd even know the name of the place where I work. When we talk we only talk about what she and other family members are doing. Even if I volunteer information about myself she gives a short one word response and goes back to talking about herself. It makes me feel very unimportant to her and I don't like her very much because of it

I'm not surprised you don't like her very much because of it Underscore. Sometimes it just doesn't matter what you do, but good for you for keeping those line of communication open, even though they're all one way .

I experienced the other side of this situation. The very first time I met MIL I could tell she did not approve of me.

As time went on I found the easiest way to deal with her was to say as little as possible and avoid eye contact.

The problem was that I came from "A family that had very different ways". I didn't say pardon or toilet and I didn't want to call her mother once I married her son. I didn't believe in smacking the children or making them say pardon etc.

In other words she saw me as being from the under class and thought that her son had married beneath him.

In the end DH visited her on his own as she seemed to hate the GCs as much as she hated me. Apparently she would spend the whole visit going on about how awful I, the children and my family were.

Before my son met his current partner he was in a relationship with someone.
After they'd been dating for a few months he brought her 'home' for introductions...all seemed to go well although I did feel at times during that afternoon that she was being deliberately contentious and it felt like she wanted to provoke an argument.
A few days later my son asked if I liked her, in all honesty I wasn't too comfortable with her at all, something just felt wrong but I told him that she "seemed nice and as long as he was happy" etc etc.
Over the following months, certain things happened...she told my son that she'd bumped into me shopping and although she'd said hello, I'd ignored her (she hadn't), she was invited to a couple of family events which she declined citing other arrangements, she made various accusations about his friends being rude or dismissive to her.
She then called me one evening and asked if she could pop over for a chat...I agreed, hoping this would perhaps break the ice. She sat for an hour being really critical of my son but also saying things that I knew were untrue.

At this point I was really concerned. My feelings were that she was trying to create as much trouble as she could and alienate / isolate him from family and friends. This was proven for me when the Police turned up at my door - she'd accused me of making threatening phone calls to her, of approaching her in a shop and threatening her - the list went on.
I was devastated, it was all totally untrue.
Thankfully the officer seemed to understand what was going on - he'd asked to see her phone, to see a record of my calls, she hadn't kept any, he spoke to the shop - nobody had seen or heard anything and on the day she said, I was actually at a hospital appointment.

Although I'd made a rule never to interfere in his relationships, it was after this I spoke to him explaining everything that had happened. He then openly told me about further things she'd said to him about me, his friends, family members....to the point that he had actually began to think some of it was true.
He ended the relationship with her.
To this day I really don't know what the outcome would have been if he hadn't.
I do know that I didn't do anything to alienate her so I totally believe that there are people who will do this both male and female.