Over The Pond

Smileless2012

I can't speak for keepingquiet but being familiar with her posts, she doesn't take a swipe at EAC in general.

Quite a few of us, well we are just generally normal and nice people I have no doubt that that's the case, as it is with many EP's too but there are posts to the contrary, and I don't believe that any of the EP's who post on this forum warrant some of the comments we've seen here.

Thankyou Smileless I have returned to speak for myself though I thought my post was just trying to redress the balance a little.

I think parenting small children is one thing, but no parent knows what lies ahead when their children have grown and gone out into the world, what influences they may have or what perspective they might gain on the world as they look back at their own childhoods.

I do wonder what relationships my own children will have with their children as they age, of course my wish is that the will remain a close and supportive family but who can really tell?

My relationship with my adult son hangs by a thread but can I really be expected to shoulder all the blame now he is almost forty years old?

My parents were not perfect but it would never have occured to me to blame them in any way for how I turned out, I knew that as an adult I had to be responsible for my own actions and attitudes, not look around for something to hang my inadequacies on. We make moral choices all the time, and can choose bitterness over reconciliation on both sides of any divide.

Parenting is hard, whether our children are babies or adults. I just think we should be supportive of each other that's all, and nor knocking ourselves and others down all the time.

I'm not sure there is a balance to redress, I can understand not liking another person's comments but they are the right one to try and resolve that with as I am demonstrating now.

Hurt people hurt people, tale as old as time but it is always a choice as is whether to respond or react.

NiceDream

I'm not sure there is a balance to redress, I can understand not liking another person's comments but they are the right one to try and resolve that with as I am demonstrating now.

Hurt people hurt people, tale as old as time but it is always a choice as is whether to respond or react.

Commenting on ones view of another posters comment is not necessarily "trying to resolve" anything as such. In my comment to about keeping quiets post I was pointing out a different interpretation to Llorts which is an entirely reasonable thing to do. Smileless appeared to be doing the same.

keepingquiet another thoughtful and thought provoking post.

Choosing bitterness over reconciliation on both sides of any divide is as you say keepingquiet always an option.

We can all I'm sure understand anger, bitterness and resentment of those who have caused pain and suffering but projecting that onto others benefits no one, including the one whose projecting.

Llort138562

It would be extremely convenient to blame your (parenting) failures on things outside of your control (peer pressure, adult choices, personal responsibility), as it absolves you of any blame that could be keeping you up at night.

Sadly, that is exactly the kind of immature mindset that should abstain from ever procreating.

Ahh I see. Another perfect child who certainly need not take personal responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Because then they must look at their own reflection with distasteful and we surly can't have that now, can we?

Bitterness over reconciliation? Bitterness for what?

Bitterness for things done or not done; for things said or not said; for past and/or present wrongs etc.

I think there is probably a window of opportunity for that but after you have been estranged very hard to get the communication going again. I can tell you what would work for me if it would help at all?

I agree that after you've been estranged it's hard to get communication going again NiceDream but if there's a willingness from 'all sides' that certainly helps.

What do you think that should look like Smileless2012?

This entire thread has so obviously been hijacked, it’s actually quite unpleasant.🙄🤷‍♀️

Yes it has, I'm not sure how it happened, it was about forums for estranged children and became a bit about estranged parents and estranged children being unkind to each other and making sweeping generalisations for no reason. I've tried to keep it polite and friendly though because I don't think that helps anything.

I think that reading through the comments shows what caused it.

I think that the way the thread has gone was what was intended when it was started DL. Unfortunately history has shown here on GN that threads purporting to be for EAC are more often than not intended to be threads for EP bashing.

'New' posters come along and the hijacking begins. It's a shame because over the years we've had and still have mutually respectful and understanding contributions from EAC and EP's, but we also get the same old sweeping generalisations from for example 'Down the Rabbit Hole' which makes me feel as if I've just fallen down one!!!

What does a willingness from both sides look like NiceDream? A willingness to listen and to learn. That can't happen if an EAC just walks away; doesn't say (which happens in some cases) what the issues are and so doesn't give their parent(s) the opportunity to put things right.

It can't happen if the EP has been told but doesn't listen and refuses to see things from their AC's point of view and it doesn't happen if either side isn't prepared to compromise and find 'common ground'.

Yes Madgran, it's obvious who the agitators are and what their agenda is.

Yes, some people were very anti this type of forum in the first few comments, I'm not sure why really. For survivors of emotional abuse of any kind they are an absolute lifeline honestly. I don't really use them any more because I've come to a place where I have run out of questions and I am able to see the reality for what it was but at the time it was very helpful.

I don't agree that some people were very anti this type of forum in the first few comments but very quickly the OP was clearly anti EP's.

I do agree that this type of forum can be a lifeline for survivors of emotional, physical and sexual abuse (being a survivor of the latter), a life line for those who have estranged and a life line for those who've been estranged if they're allowed to be.

I'm not sure what estranged parents would really get out of a forum for estranged children or a thread about the benefits of them?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Personally I've had some lovely conversations over the years with EAC NiceDream; we can learn from one another.

EAC may gain some insight into what the parents they've estranged may be feeling and thinking, and EP's may gain insight into what their EC may be feeling and thinking and why they took the decision to estrange.

As an EP I wouldn't go on a forum for EAC but this is GN, an open forum and estrangement is just one of many items discussed here. It does give 'both sides' what I think is a rare opportunity to talk to one another.

Forums specifically for EAC and EP's tend to be closed so such opportunities don't happen very often which is why it's always disappointing to see threads disrupted and in my experience, it's the EP bashing that for the most part is responsible.

I see a post has been deleted. I didn't see it but it doesn't take much imagination to know what it contained and the agenda of the poster who posted it.

I'll be happy to be corrected if I'm wrong but I suspect it wasn't an EP 'bashing' EAC.

Smileless2012 I'm genuinely very open to discussion. I can understand because you seem to have someone causing issues (I didn't see it either though) but most of us estranged children are nice people and one person shouldn't spoil that opportunity for anyone and I would like to hope it doesn't reflect badly on me or mean I'm exposed to generalised comments that are hurtful.

Unfortunately NiceDream it only takes one person to get the ball rolling.

I agreed with you earlier on this thread that ^most estranged children are nice people^; most EP's are nice people too. As far as I'm concerned there's nothing I've seen that should reflect badly on you and I haven't seen any generalised hurtful comments about EAC here either.

What do you think about some of the hurtful generalised comments that EP's have been exposed too?

I think that maybe the comments I have mentioned haven't affected you because they aren't directed at you, in the same way that I wouldn't be affected by comments that aren't directed by me. I can see your issue though and that it would have an impact Smileless2012 so maybe you could acknowledge what I am saying too?

I don't know what you are saying NiceDream. There haven't been any unpleasant generalisations about EAC but there have been about EP's.