Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

I don’t think you can beat home made mince pies but i have bought some, 4 boxes in fact, just in case someone pops in, they are nice ones but goodness knows whats in the pastry to have a January use by date. Making some of my own this afternoon which I will freeze for when I fancy a better one. Not having a Christmas cake this year as everyone is watching their figures so I ruin mine and eat the lot.
Smileless, you are still a grandmother with all that love you should have been able to show them. I don’t know whats worse, me knowing and loving and looking after mine, then cut off or you not knowing. Nothing can make up for all the lost years, things cannot ever be right. This time of year highlights that,
With my son and family for the day this Christmas but in future will be at home as don't like all the driving and as grown up children have partners feel my dil finds it too much, I have offered to do it instead but she doesn't want that. I would do as Sparkly does and would get all my favourite treats in and watch what i want on tv,
I love sitting of an evening with all the lights twinkling and having a tipple or two

Smiles

I got in some nice Xmas stolen bites, mince pies and choc almonds, problems is; my son won't eat any, so it ends up with me eating them all .

That's lovely Sparkly and describes our little poodle to a 't'.

I think it must be worse to have known and loved your GC and have them taken away, than to have never had any relationship with them Allsorts.

You know what you have lost; you know what it's like to be a GM while we can only imagine what it would be like .

I used to make a Christmas cake and puddings; one for us, mum and m.i.l. but shop bought ones are lovely and it's probably cheaper now than buying all the ingredients. I only need a small cake as it's only Mr. S. who eats it. I might have a small piece but that's all.

I love the lights too, especially the ones in the Christmas tree; they certainly brighten up the dark winter days don't they.

Just go for it Yogin, it's only once a year .

So Mr. S. decided to 'serenade' me this morning by singing 'Because your gorgeous' but rather than singing the next bit 'I'd do anything for you' he hummed it .

I said 'oh go on, sing it' so he said he thought he was walking into a trap but bless him he did. He was right. Last week I found a collection of beautiful Disney Baubles of 'the baddies' while out with A, and have been kicking myself ever since for not buying them, so we're going back to the shop tomorrow .

I've had various ideas of how to display them because they'll be out all the time and not just for Christmas, to add my Disney collection.

Like you Allsorts, I have enjoyed knowing my GC but am now cut off, but I hang on to the hope that they will remember me and will be back in my life one day. I feel so sad for you Smileless that you never got to know yours, but also wonder which is worse.. Whichever way it is, it is cruel for the grandparents and also for the GC not to ever have the love of this relationship, which is so special. I read that one author called it ‘emotional abuse’.

I have actually had a particularly difficult week. I went to my friends 27 year old son’s funeral which brought all sorts of emotions, which I am sure you can imagine. And then on Friday, I went to a panto with my hubby and another couple who dont have children. I sat behind two little girls who would have been about the same age as my GDs the last time I went to panto with them. When everyone was laughing during the show I just wanted to cry. I feel as though I am masking my feelings all the time because I need to appear happy and cheerful for everyone else’s sake especially my husband. If I were to tell him that I am just not enjoying my life and just want to cry all the time, it would probably cause us problems.

But I mustn’t be a Debbiedowner! I must pick myself up and carry on. It really helps to read that some of you who are much further down the line with estrangement than I am, that you are accepting and positive about the way you live your lives.

Strugglingmum - I hope you are OK too.

I understand of course that there's no way your H will feel as you do Debbie as he's not your D's father, but it's unrealistic and I feel insensitive if he expects you to be unaffected by what's happening.

Of course you're not enjoying your life and just want to cry all the time I'm sorry, but what does he expect?

The funeral must have been very upsetting; how tragic .

You must be able to feel without feeling guilty for doing so and when those Debbiedowner moments hit, come here and talk to us. We all have them .

Debbie I was the same, feeling like crying, for at least 2yrs after the CO I just couldn't look at small children, it broke my heart. So very sorry to read about your friends DS.

Smiles well you did know your GS for about 5-8mnths wasn't it.

He was 8 months when we last saw him Yogin but because we hadn't spent much time with him we hadn't got to know him and when we did see him, it was awkward because she clearly resented us being there.

If Mr. S. was holding him, she made him feel so uncomfortable that he'd give him to me.

Rotton cow!

Rotten cow spot on Yogin and thanks for making me x

We bought the Disney 'Villian' baubles yesterday so now I just need Mr. S. to put them up for me.

Good morning everyone,

Allsorts thank you - my way of being alone on Christmas Day is comforting. Very happy for others to copy me if it suits them. 🎄

Smileless thank goodness for our loved angels with fur not wings.

Today Thursday I have one present to buy. Cards have all gone off last week.

I have only met two of my DGC. The eldest, now 23, was an only child for a long time, so saw them many times a year before the split/estrangement. My third DGC I met at a family funeral, my estDS and DIL let me hold her for a couple of hours, she was only 8 months old.
It was lovely holding her. At first she was a bit quizzical, looking at me to say to her DPs, ‘who is this?.

Small mercies are the best.

I have my Christmas food delivery on the 24th, Christmas Eve. Last year the only thing they didn’t have for the delivery was double cream so they substituted with vegan cream.

Happy Week Before Christmas ladies xxx

Sparkly, you said you son and Dil let you hold the baby, that made me feel upset for you. You are the grandmother and they let you hold her. What has the world come to? My mother always said if people show you what they are like, believe it and that includes your own children. If I had the last years back since my husband died wouldn't I do things differently. We deserve better.

I second that Allsorts

Meeting up with some friends for an Xmas lunch today, need to take Joey for walkies first whilst it's not raining.

Morning dear friends.

I had a terrible shock yesterday. A message from my dear cousin, the one who my brother got to 'phone me to tell me mum had died, saying she was in touch with him and with it being 'the time of year' he'd asked her to pass on his 'phone number and email address because he wanted to get in touch!!!

My initial response was not knowing whether to throw up or weep, immediately followed by a resounding 'no' in my gut.

I decided to start a thread on the AIBU forum; am I being unreasonable to not want any contact. Writing a brief history of events which you will all be familiar with was in itself cathartic, and I wanted to get a wider response which I'm grateful to have received.

I was initially worried that I would feel guilty. He's probably in trouble financially and is looking for help, but over the years we've tried to give him support both emotionally and financially which has never done either of us any good.

Our email address and Mr. S.'s mobile number have never changed so if he'd wanted to make contact, he could have done so without once again, involving my poor cousin but of course this puts the onus on me.

His email address is the same too and the 'phone number is the one for the landline my mum had, so I know that anyway.

When I came on here to tell you, what literally jumped off the screen was your post Allsorts my mother always said if people show you what they are like, believe them.

I know this of course, I think we all do but reading it in your post this morning was for me, affirmation that I have made the right decision so you've helped me dear friend, without even realising it.

The real purpose of this post though is to share something which for me is really important.

I never expected to hear from him again, just as I never expect to hear from our ES. I've always believed that if my brother did try to make contact, it would not be something I would want but there was something else I mistakenly believed.

I believed my refusal would come from anger and bitterness but it doesn't. I simply don't have it in me. I have neither the strength or the courage or the desire to open this door.

It's as if within me there are various canisters of energy and strength and the particular one I would need for this is empty. Having worked so hard and so diligently to rebuild our lives because of ES and for me, following the circumstances and death of my mum, there is nothing left to work with or give.

Bizarrely, this shock has given me some peace and comfort because I've never wanted to be so bitter and angry that I could never have contemplated re connecting with my brother or our ES.

This has shown me that although those emotions are there, they're even less than secondary to my need to be safe, my need for us to be safe and protected from those whose capacity to hurt us was so great, that they can never be trusted again so must be kept at bay.

What a shock for you Smileless to hear that. As you say, he could have tried to contact you directly. I hope you are Ok as I can imagine it has stirred up a lot of emotions for you again. This has made me think.
I have just met up with my siblings, nieces and my youngest daughter at my Mum and Dads bench where I took some Christmas flowers and we enjoyed a coffee and breakfast baps. Obviously my eldest EstD and GDs were not there. The estrangement was the elephant in the room until after most had gone, my sister asked how things were. There were a lot of tears and I got a big hug from her. What I thought then was that if my estD did not try to reconcile at a time which is all about family, then she never would. So my realisation is that unless she comes grovelling in the next 5 days, I will give up any hope of us ever reconciling. I dont want to spend another year of wanting to cry all the time (and worse) and letting her destroy me. In fact as you said Smileless, I feel that even now, if she tried to reconnect, that my gut instinct would be ‘no’, And the quote from your mother Allsorts resonated too as my estD has shown me what she is like and I could never trust her again, and certainly not forgive either. My sister asked if she could try to mediate, but I said if my estD got back in touch with me because of what my broader family have said to her, then it wouldn’t truly be coming from her own heart, which seems to be hard and loveless (with me anyway!).
Today was my Mums birthday, hence the visit to the bench, which always brings up emotions. My relationship with my Mum was not perfect, but I would never had done this to her. I wonder if she was ‘watching’ when I was crying with my sister at the bench today? I think she would have been very angry with my estD and my Dad might have tried to mediate.

We would never put up with anyone who has treated us like our own children have because a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. Well it can be, we can love but not like what they have become and let it ruin our life. We are worth much more than they think we are.
Smileless, your instincts are right, you have made right decision.
Debbie, I am glad had you met with your family as it is important to you.

I will be back . But just listened to a piece of music out of Home Alone .All I could think about was the scene where Elliot is sitting in the church with the old man listening to a children's choir and tells him there's his granddaughter who he never meets. Estrangement gets into films and only just realised it about Home Alone . As people just watch Elliot survive against the robbers . Comedy and tragedy in one film . But the tragedy is not what people remember.

I know weird things pop into my head.

Six years estranged from son. I've always had hope of reconciliation as we did exchange emails very occasionally, unknown to his wife I'm sure. But today I've had to realise its never going to happen as he has emailed something to me that l can not forgive. I have resolved not to reply, not to attempt to put my side of it all. It is now the end.
After being upset l remembered all the advice given on here. I had a big drink of Baileys and am doing my best to just get on with normal stuff. Thank you all for being here.

Oh Hilltop that's awful, and to have sent something which you find unforgivable so close to Christmas, must have been with the sole intention of causing you as much upset as possible .

I'm pleased you've resolved not to reply and although no words can describe what it's like to accept that the relationship with your own child is finished, it does enable healing to begin.

Take care and thank you, for being here for all of us x.

Thank you Smileless, my first reaction was to reply, but I'm so glad l didn't now. I couldn't believe he is now like that, but l have to believe it now. I can't quite get on as normal but am trying

It will have come as a shock Hilltop despite things not being right between you, you still wouldn't have expected to receive such a distressing email, and so close to Christmas.

I suppose the awful reality is just how low some of these EAC can sink, just to inflict even more pain on us. You'll need time get over what's happened so be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover .

I'm glad you met up with your family yesterday Debbie. Maybe 2026 will be for you, the year that you begin the reluctant acceptance that your relationship with her is over.

I've often wondered if reconciliation were 'on the table' if it would be a matter of heart over head or head over heart, but this weekend has shown that for me, it's my gut that reacts first and seems to lead the way confirming what my head is telling me.

I've been wondering about my mum too, since Friday. Wondering if she knows what's happened and hoping and praying that if she does, she understands.

Hilltop, very sorry your son did that to you. Glad you didn't reply, it really isn't worth it. He chose his time didn't he? How could you reconcile now, after six years it's too late, he is not the person you bought up.. Once you come to terms with that your world will open up again.You never forget how people make you feel do you? You have your tipple or two and enjoy those that you do have, including us.

Morning all

So sorry to read about your shock Smiles, it does shake you up doesn't it and takes a while to get your head around it all and what to do for the best. Strangely I got an Xmas card with sister on from my brother this year, I do get a card each year, but this is the first one with sister on! As you may remember I haven't seen my brother since my mun's funeral.

Well, that was lovely Debbie that all your family got together like that, for your mum. You are right that the move has to come from your estD, otherwise it probably won't last long, as she will feel that she was pushed into. Once you can let go, it does make you feel tons better, took my 6yrs though.

Whiff I remember that scene, it made me weep. Hope you are ok and just busy with Xmas things xx