Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Yes I noticed that Allsorts which is so unusual. I was wondering if there was a problem with the thread link but it is clearly ok as you posted so maybe everyone is just very busy?

I keep meaning to post but get tied up trying to help on other threads .Plus my HPX group had lots of new members so again answering their questions where I can . On BHF forum for heart conditions. My weeks are so mad another full week ahead of me . Plus my arm movements keep spraining my wrists . Have to wear my wrist supports every day . Which makes typing take longer .

I know they are all excuses but it's how my life has become. I thought as I get older I would have less things to do but find more things that interest me and have more friends to do things with plus on my own .

My daughter laughs the boys and me have better social life than she does.

I haven't forgotten everyone . Seeing my neurologist on 18th so hopefully he will increase my tablets and my arms will be under my control again . Still waiting for speech therapy appointment. But at least this year stopped being awake until midnight and back to my normal bed time. Plus the fatigue is back which I am glad of sounds strange but since January last year not been my usual self and hate it and so annoyed at being dismissed by the stroke neurologist as a migraine. My cardiologist was brilliant as I was in AFib fit 4 days but heart attack ruled out . I know I had a TIA last year luckily most of the treatment was the same for heat attack and TIA.

Sounds like just excuses but it's been my life for a year. Now have a cleaner who is brilliant because I can't do somethings . No matter how much I exercise still haven't got the strength back in my arms .

I do think about you all but need to stop now . Fingers giving out .

Morning everyone; goodness where does the time go!!!

Well we have some good news, a tenant has been found for our small retail unit and is signing the lease on Monday so it's been a busy week, getting things sorted and ploughing through reams of paperwork.

It's a weight off our minds due to the loss of rent and being responsible for the business rates, which as ridiculous as it sounds have cost us more than they'll be for whoever takes over the tenancy .

Hoping that your appointment with the neurologist goes well Whiff. We've been out and about this week and Mr. S. has started sorting out our garden area but it's heavy going as the ground is sodden and with it being clay, is claggy and difficult to work with.

Actually managed to dry some washing on the line this week; roll on spring.

Hi everybody, i think the grey wet dark days have just got us down, ive become lazy and bored, but now enjoying the lighter days and wat hing the daffs bloom, boosts the soul that spring is coming.
Take care all x

You're right about the weather Bridie, when it's wet and miserable day after day it does rather get you down doesn't it.

Yes completely agree. I've struggled to get through these grey rainy days. I think I get SAD syndrome! We usually go on a winter sun holiday but we're not going til May this year. Will definitely do one in Feb/March instead next year.

Ah its good that the reason for no posts is that people are busy and just getting on with their lives.

Sorry fo hear about your arms Whiff though.

Great news re finding a tenant Smileless.

I am really enjoying the daffodils in my garden this year, they are really showing off!! 😂

I love daffodils Madgran and have two small vases of them, just wish they'd last longer.

Having a holiday in May to look forward is lovely Debbie, where are you going?

We're going to Tenerife. We usually go to a different canary island each year. I do find having a sunshine holiday to look forward to in the winter really helps get through the winter months.
I am also a big fan of daffodils as they are so bright and cheery and give hope that better weather is on the way! I can't wait to be pottering in my garden - something that gives me peace and calm when my mind is racing or am feeling low.
I have had a flicker of hope re my estrangement. After I wrote my last (and final) letter, I understand that my daughter is planning to reply to me. So I'm hopeful one minute but then terrified the next. More sleepless nights 😮

Morning everyone.

Oh Debbie I feel for you and can understand the hopeful one minute but then terrified the next situation you're going through. I hope that whoever told you your D's planning to reply to you is a reliable source .

I came across an article on another site from Joshua Coleman's article specifically for EP's about managing anxiety. The final paragraph really resonated with me not only because I think it's absolutely right, but also because I think that this is what this thread has inadvertently succeeded in doing.

"The goal isn't to erase the pain. The goal is to stay steady enough that the pain doesn't drive the car".

I know when I first joined GN because of our estrangement, our gut wrenching pain was driving everything I did, or more truthfully didn't do, and every thought I had. I say what I didn't do because I was barely able to function on the most basic level to get through the day.

It's important that we continue to acknowledge our own pain and one another's when that pain needs to be expressed. Not because this is an echo chamber and not because we're unable to move on with our lives because this thread, and all the ones that came before it show that we're not and that we have.

It's important because that pain never goes away. That's not to say that we experience that pain 24/7 because as time passes we don't but what does happen, is that pain being triggered. Sometimes by the obvious like birthdays and Christmas and sometimes totally out of the blue.

The support that is found here enables us to not allow our lives to be driven by our estrangements and the pain they have caused, and to help others to do so too.

Smiles glad you have a found a tenant . Hopefully they stay for a long time.

Smiles brilliant post it will echo with everyone here. I had already decided in 2023 to give up on my son . This last year since my hospital stay and how I have been since . I don't care if I ever see or hear from my son again . I still love him but the son I had for 32 years he will be 39 this year he is a stranger . But I am not the same mom he knew when he decided to estrange me and all our side of the family in May 2020. I have not tolerance for bad behaviour nor the patience.

My life is full and would not make changes to accommodate him . I don't think about him often . I know my grandsons are loved and have plenty of attention as they were their world. I used to think if they wanted to find me when they are older they will. But now I don't think I would want them to . As I wouldn't hold back about their parents and things that I know happen to them when I last saw them and things that happened before the estranged. Things that because of their ages 4&2 they would have forgotten. Plus my son foolishly thought his email to me has gone and I have his letter from August 2020.

I was brought up to put family first it's how we brought our children up . When our children have their own families then they come first as it should be. But grandparents can give grandchildren something that parents can't . That's memories of their parents as children and family history going back generations .

Debbie if you do get a reply to your letter I hope it is kind and not like the letter I had from my son . If it isn't kind then you know where you stand . But if it is please have your guard up as she could do everything she already has again .

Sunday my daughter and grandsons where here and I was going to the park to deliver some pots and a rake I don't need to the Womble guerilla gardeners so my daughter gave me a lift it's not a long walk only a few roads but she insisted . It was fun getting the rake into her Golf. In the end my grandsons and I had to hold it so she didn't get hit by the prongs.

The rose garden the have taken over and other beds looked lovely . And there where lots of bright yellow dwarf daffs forgot what they are called . Which seemed apt for St David's day. I can't garden but told them if they want to plant things for winter colour let me know and I will buy some hebes and hellebores. The Hebes in my garden change colour in the seasons plus have flowers and all year round colour .

It was Womble cuppa and chat yesterday and themed for mother's day. The picture is missing the hot buttered toast and you can't see the feta and spinach rolls . Good job I had sit fit class afterwards.

Well that's my lot Madgran I do think the better weather is on the way . Heard on the radio at 5 parts of the country will be 18° . We changed the clocks this month so that will make a difference.

Take care all.

DOH it was the hot buttered and jam tarts not in the picture . 🤦🤦🤦😂

Morning all, lovely sunny day, so I'm looking forward to walkies soon.

Good to hear you got your tenant Smiles and your last post resonates with us all.

Hope you're doing better today Whiff, lovely spread for Mother's Day.

Debbie as Whiff has said; be aware the return letter/email may be a nasty one, so be prepared.

I'm having a lovely meal with my DD this evening in a lovely Italian restaurant and then on to see 'Madam Butterfly' at the Cliffs theatre, really looking forward to it.

Keep well everyone xx

Hello ladies. Well yes I got my letter and yes, it was more of the same horrible accusations, although she seems to think she can say awful things and then tell me she still loves me!? I don’t know if I do really love her any more though after what she has said and done. I had written her a lovely letter, very forgiving, apologetic and loving (apparently she showed her sister my letter and she told me she thought what a lovely letter it was). I gave my EstD the opportunity to put the past behind us and try to move on in some way - I asked her to think about it and didn’t expect a reply. I was going to contact her again in a couple of months once she had had a chance to think about it. But she couldn’t resist and typed 5 pages of what I felt was abuse again. You did all warn me so it wasn’t a complete surprise.
So I do know where I stand at least now - which was actually the point of writing the letter. I had to know, as all the while there felt like some hope, I was hanging on to it. It as making me physically and mentally ill and my moods were affecting my marriage. I am sure you all know exactly all about that!

I have never really had a chance to tell her how I feel so I am planning one final letter as I need to tell her my side and it will give me closure. I will not enter into any more communication with her, if she sends me any more messages they will be binned, and I will tell the rest of my family that I do not want to hear any more about her.

Thankyou for all your helpful advice and support. And yes Whiff, it is such a shame that my grandchildren lose the relationship with their grandma, which is unique in how you describe it.
So now I need to move on and maybe now I can post on here about happier things. Tomorrow I pick up my other daughter’s little one from school - she is 6. I take her to gymnastics after school and we usually have a lovely time together. I will cherish my relationship with her even more now.

I'm so sorry Debbie . Even though her response may not have been a surprise, it will have still been very upsetting to receive.

I'm not sure exactly how far into our estrangement I did this, maybe 2 years, but I did send our ES a 'goodbye' email I suspect along the lines of what you're thinking of putting in your next and final letter.

I did find it helpful and hope that you will do too. I told him I would never contact him again and apart from responding to the email he sent when my mum died, I never have.

It's always good to see posts on here about happier things but I hope you know that we will always be here for you, good times and bad x.

Sorry to hear that Debbie, pour your love into those that value you, take care of yourself.

Thankyou for your kind words Smileless x

Debbie, at least now you have tried everything as I did with same response but mine condensed down to a text saying her friends were her family.
Glad now you will move in with those that do genuinely care.

Debbie so sorry the reply from your estD wasn't a pleasant one, we have all had the same, so know how painful and sad it is for you. As you have said, pour your love and attention into your 6yr GD and try to move on.

Debbie You tried. I'm sorry that it didn't open doors. 💐

Debbie, I'm so sorry that the reply was not good.
After nearly seven years of being estranged, but very occasionally l would send an email to which l would get varying replies, l have recently sent my ES the last one l will send. I've left it up to him now, l know he will not contact me. I know we would have reconciled if his wife was different, as Smileless said of her son, it would not have happened anyway but for her.
Like you l cherish my relationship with my daughter and her family. And l understand how upsetting this has been for you.

Whiff, l love reading your posts. I'm pleased you have a cleaner, l think l should get one too.

Debbie I am so sorry but unfortunately it's what after my years on here it's what estranged children do. They never take responsibility for their actions and put the blame on you .

I have said before what hurt me most was realising my son is a cruel coward. He should have told me on my birthday he I would never see or speak to him again . Instead an email 4 days later. But it's not just he has cut me out of his life be all over side of the family. My daughter didn't care as I only found out after he sent the email to me and one to her they hadn't spoken for 5 years only when we where all together. But my daughter and daughter in law took an instead dislike to eachother when they meet in 2005 when my son brought her home to meet us.

I love my son but the kind loving son I had for 32 years. He will be 39 this year he is a stranger but I am not the same mom he knew. I have no room in my life for him as my life is full and I am happy . I don't think of him or my grandsons everyday since 2003. Sounds hard hearted but I can never forgive or forget what my son and daughter in law put me through for years before the estrangement and because I didn't see them often living over 100 miles away. I trusted my son he killed that trust . He did something when his dad had cancer before he was terminal I told him never make me feel ashamed of him being my son ever again he promised he wouldn't. He broke that promise.

There is no going back for us . As much as I have 3 grandson's we are strangers and to be honest I don't want a relationship with them . As I wouldn't hold back about their parents . My foolish son thinks the email he sent me has disappeared as he put a 5 year time limit on it plus I have the letter he sent putting the nail on the coffin if our relationship.
From 2020 to 2023 I text him 3 times twice out of necessity and the last to seal the end of our relationship. I decided if I got silence or abuse we are over. I had abuse . So I closed that chapter in my life .

I have learnt since if I hadn't have had him them my HPX wouldn't have caused me to have limb jerks for 32 years and 4 bad seizures. But I don't regret having him it's what we wanted 2 children.

But if people ask I do say I have 2 children and 5 grandson's if they ask if I see them all I tell them the truth. And found so many people are estranged from children, grandchildren or siblings .

I don't talk about my son unless anyone asks in real life . Just talk about my daughter and family .

Funny thing I never liked my brother's second wife and my husband hated the sight of her but she was family and never treated badly . I hated my in laws and they hated me . I hated my mother in law for 40 years she outlived her son by 11 years . Even though she denied he never existed or had 2 grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings . I still looked after her . It's how I was brought up she was still family .

It's easy to abandon people but I have never done anything the easy way. Being brought up in a large extended family never knew I was different as in disabled until high school and bullied for 5 years.

But I think we are tougher breed no one ever gave us anything what we wanted we worked ,saved and made sacrifices to get. I hate the phase bank of mom and dad.

I am proud both couples brought their own houses and paid for their own wedding with no financial help from me .

We bring our children up to be adults and have to let them fly who they fall in love with it's down to them . If they make mistakes in their lives unless they ask our opinion we have to stay silence.

Debbie if you do write that final letter I hope you never post it . A letter won't bring you closure only deciding it's over will and letting go of your daughter for good . Sounds harsh but don't hurt yourself more and never blame yourself . Your daughter made her choice and that doesn't include you in her life. Only by accepting that will you come to terms with it yes it will hurt but it won't hurt forever. But I made the decision in 2023 I am done with my son it wasn't easy but for my physical and mental health I had to .

I cut him out of my will in 2020 left nothing to my grandsons . My daughter is the only beneficiary unless she dies before me then her son's will inherit. I took out both powers of attorney at the same time and my daughter and son in law are my attorneys I trust my son in law as much as I trust my daughter .

Bad behaviour does not get rewarded as a child so would an estranged child expect to inherit . Plus my son will never know when I die .

Estrangement doesn't just cause emotional distress but you also have to think of the practical side of things as well. Some choose to leave their estranged child or children in their wills and leave something to the grandchildren. My husband and I never believed grandchildren inherit from grandparents but their parents .
If my daughter gives her boys something from my estate that's her choice . But I am not planning on dieing anytime soon . I have already decided when I end up in a wheelchair which will happen but I will fight that hopefully I have 10+ years before that happens I am having an all terrain one.

Yogin hope you had a lovely meal and enjoyed Madame Butterfly.

I am going to see my youngest friend she's nearly 16 in Cinderella her first on stage performance. Forgot what part she is playing but she had overcome life long health problems and just been diagnosed with Dyslexia but not the usual sort like me she has to be different. Funny enough some of her neurological problems are like mine. She is home schooled but will be going to college having the diagnosis means she will get the help she needs while studying. She and her family are Wombles and another Womble is also going to see her tonight so arranged to meet outside so we can sit together. She like all my friends understands my need to sit in a certain place and will be taking my ear plugs with me just in case. Being a member of the am dram group have her the confidence to read a passage out of the bible on Sunday her mom was ready to take over if she couldn't but she did it.

Hilltop nearly 7 years for you how the time flies by . Be 6 for me this year . All we can do is love and care for the people who care and love us. The past is gone we have to live for the now and future. I have to laugh when I look at my calender and see what my week is like . I have things even booked in October .

My cleaner is brilliant but I went with a company that is a care company it was recommended to me by a friend who has someone help her have a shower. I don't need that just a cleaner . Because of my world working through routine and planning when my usual cleaner can't come I know someone else will come.
And they do exactly what I want doing . She comes for hour and half plus we chat . Time flies by and happy with how my home looks afterwards. Mind you yesterday she said mine is the cleanest home she works it . But I know what needs cleaning and I can't do it . I do vac when needed during the week and keep kitchen and shower room as clean as I can . But she reaches bits I can't . Which makes me happy and well worth the money .

Big hi to Smiles ,Allsorts and Madgran. As you can see got control over my finger today 🤣🤣🤣

Whiff that spread looks fantastic, it makes me laugh thinking of Wobble Guerrillas let loose with you at the helm. Hope your young friend enjoys her first acting role, it will be good for her
and help her develop more confidence
As a now long term estranged parent, i think of life before that initial blow as BE, before estrangement, another life, I like Whiff don't know her anymore. Life gets so much easier when you finally accept it is what it is. If anyone asks how many children I have I still say two, if rarely I am asked if i see her much I just say no and change the subject. No one new pushes it.