Son wishes us an isolated, lonely old age

Really sorry to hear that Annie, it must have been devastating.

Thank you for all of your support kind words and tips. It really helps.

There's no need to be so cruel Littleannie. Sometimes those who estrange us show us that our lives can be more peaceful without them, despite the pain that being estranged brings .

He now send us a whatsapp message 4 months later to say he wishes us a lonely isolated old age with no one around us. I find this so hateful and it is upsetting but it is just one incident in a long line of problems.

Anyone experienced such a thing? We really had no intention to upset him, we were just being protective and had I had known he was already serious I would not had said anything. My mistake, I already apologised but it just doesn't sink in and after this I have no intention of apologising again.

The relationship is so emotionally draining, we are never good enough and always in the wrong no matter what we do or don't do or say. We just can't continue as a discussion is not possible and this all happens over whatsapp.

Nothing to do with ADD or ADHD, in my opinion.

Perhaps it may be best to wait in silence?

Surprised and disappointed to have read your post @ 12.58 stillawipp . I've just read through the thread you referred too and didn't see any shouting down from EP's .

Stillawhip, you have obviously suffered estrangement and reconciled, but not everyone is like you. Peoples experiences vary. no one should take abuse. Verbal or physical.
I would leave him to it. You do not need to put up with it any more. You and your husband start living the life you deserve and leave him to it and don't be available..

OP, my apologies for digressing from your question - yes, many of us have had the same experience, and it is heartbreaking. I wish you well and hope that in time you will all be able to reconcile.

Gooi2026
Can you come back and explain how come you got that message 4 months after your altercation it also seems out of context with the original problem ….if it was a problem
Do you mean
You offered a bit of advice that didn’t go down well then 4 months later out of the blue you got an abusive message With no context Had you had contact inbetween the first unwanted advice and the abusive message ??

I wouldn’t worry too much if he’s with the unknown partner and hopefully happy that’s great I d just stick to birthday and Christmas cards if you have his address if you don’t them just good wishes to them both on WhatsApp and wait and see
Hopefully he’s settled and happy and in time you ll have a bit better relationship, don’t dwell over it, words hurt but often said without thought or meaning

Unless of course there has been more we don’t know about

I can understand why your comments were offensive.

He hadn't started seeing her and was only thinking about doing do so. Even if her son did find her comments offensive, that doesn't excuse his message.

Smileless2012

He hadn't started seeing her and was only thinking about doing do so. Even if her son did find her comments offensive, that doesn't excuse his message.

Well it was offensive, judging her because she's Asian? Maybe he was totally shocked at what she said, maybe it was one more racist comment in a long line of such comments.

All OP can do is accept she was out of line and apologise. Hopefully he will forgive her.

Of course it doesn’t excuse it Smileless but I m looking for a reason FOUR months later to send a offensive message with no correlation to the original worries / concerns which were at worst said clumsily and not really posters business

There’s really nothing to suggest the two things even fit together maybe there is a lot more to it
Is he even with the girl???
Poster says she’s had years of troubles with this adult child so is this the worst ??
My advice is to leave it be and try not to dwell on it

The OP has apologised theworriedwell.

I agree that a step back would be the best approach BlueBelle.
If there's any more to the story and Gooi wants us to know, no doubt she'll tell us.

Smileless2012

The OP has apologised theworriedwell.

I agree that a step back would be the best approach BlueBelle.
If there's any more to the story and Gooi wants us to know, no doubt she'll tell us.

Yes she's apologised and now she has to wait for him to process that.

I've got three sons and my advice is never ever say anything negative about their choice of partners. Even if they say something negative you don't agree.

Very hurtful, but I'd leave him to it. You've done plenty to help him. He will need you before you need him. Neurological issues or no, tell him not to speak to you like that. It is in no way acceptable.

theworriedwell

Smileless2012

He hadn't started seeing her and was only thinking about doing do so. Even if her son did find her comments offensive, that doesn't excuse his message.

Well it was offensive, judging her because she's Asian? Maybe he was totally shocked at what she said, maybe it was one more racist comment in a long line of such comments.

All OP can do is accept she was out of line and apologise. Hopefully he will forgive her.

Not remotely racist or offensive. her son was thinking of dating someone from a very different culture. That would apply regardless of the ethnicity or country of origin Of the potential partner.

It is also disingenuous to pretend not to know about the romance scams that seem to be endemic and almost alwaays involve people from countries outside Europe.

Completely agree M0nica.

It could seem racist to your child.

You issued and apology. Wait on him.

Grammaretto

That's a vile thing to say to anyone.
He can't be happy.
A happy person would never write like that.
Leave it a while and maybe, just maybe, he will thankyou for your wisdom and apologise.

It really is a vile thing to say to parents, but this young man isn’t normal is he?
I think I would just ignore it and take a step back as you did all you could to warn him about dating a foreigner and date scams.
Let him make contact with you going forward? Or simply try and forget his remark and carry on? I think you know he will always struggle in many ways and as parents you want to help as much as possible but don’t allow him to make the rest of your life a misery? Good luck.

Not remotely racist or offensive. her son was thinking of dating someone from a very different culture NOT HER BUSINESS

Not necessarily racist but why on earth give an adult son who is old enough to be living independently that advice, I wouldn’t dream of saying any kind of warning to an adult child or grandchild, indeed I wouldn t say anything negative at all about a new partner, it doesn’t excuse his stupid retort 4 months later which I can’t believe has any relation to the original warning remark, surely he d have said ‘butt out mother I ll make my own decisions’ AT THE TIME not four months later .
I wouldn’t lose any more sleep over it, words are said in anger to hurt and they ve achieved that.
Forget it and carry on as normal

The reason it ‘sounds’ racist is because you wouldn’t have said ‘do be careful darling, girls can cheat on you and get you into all sorts of bother and are you using protection as she might get pregnant and land you with court action’ if it was a white English girl he’d said he was about to date would you ?

Please note I m not saying it was a racist remake I m saying why it could be taken as one

BlueBelle

The reason it ‘sounds’ racist is because you wouldn’t have said ‘do be careful darling, girls can cheat on you and get you into all sorts of bother and are you using protection as she might get pregnant and land you with court action’ if it was a white English girl he’d said he was about to date would you ?

Please note I m not saying it was a racist remake I m saying why it could be taken as one

That's the point isn't it, he's taken it as racist and as someone in a mixed race marriage that's how I'd take it. I wonder if the OP has ever said similar about British white girlfriends? She hadn't even met this young woman so her advice was only based on her view of Asian women unless she's said the same about white British girlfriends, how is that not racist

People who don't think they have racist views may do, doesn't make it less racist.

He's obviously hurt and maybe this has come to a head as he has experienced other racism while with his girlfriend, it can be quite eye opening when you experience it for the first time.

Littleannie

On Mother's Day a few years ago my son sent me a text which read " Why don't you die Mother. The sooner you are dead the better as nobody will miss you". So I know how you feel Gooi2026. Change your will and ignore him, it's his loss. Enjoy your life.

Oh heavens, how horrible for you! Sending (((❤️))).

You can't possibly know that the OP's son viewed what she said as racist theworriedwell. As M0nica posted earlier That would apply regardless of the ethnicity or country of origin of the potential partner and regardless of what he may have thought, his message is horrible.
.

Smileless2012

You can't possibly know that the OP's son viewed what she said as racist theworriedwell. As M0nica posted earlier That would apply regardless of the ethnicity or country of origin of the potential partner and regardless of what he may have thought, his message is horrible.
.

Well the OP has linked the estrangement to what she said so she obviously thinks what she said has offended him. Why would what she said offend him? If she's said the same about white British girlfriends why has she said this? Could it be because she's Asian?

If you don't like racist replace it with prejudice, do you think that applies?