Son wishes us an isolated, lonely old age

theworriedwell

Smileless2012

No idea petra but he did, so I see no reason why Gooi should be criticised for saying so in her OP and for accusations that she's racist.

If you don't want people thinking you're racist don't say something about an Asian woman you wouldn't say about a white woman.

As you are repeating what you said on page 2 of this thread. I will repat the response I made then as well

Not remotely racist or offensive. her son was thinking of dating someone from a very different culture. That would apply regardless of the ethnicity or country of origin Of the potential partner.

It is also disingenuous to pretend not to know about the romance scams that seem to be endemic and almost always involve people from countries outside Europe

It's ridiculous M0nica. A new poster, understandably hurt by the horrible message she's received from her son, being accused of being racist.

She hasn't been back, and I can't say I blame her.

Smileless2012

How do you know she wouldn't have given the same advice if the women was white and from another country theworriedwell?

You don't do you.

She went to the bother of typing out the information of what she said, she specified the woman is Asian and she obviously thinks there is a connection or why bother saying it? Why talk about her background and why she's in the country. Having given that information she didn't say she's said the same with white potential girlfriends.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck the chances are it's a duck.

No she's been told that is probably how her son has interpreted it as she is linking the two things. She says she isn't racist, she quite probably isn't consciously but to immediately jump to questioning her background and why she's in the country does indicate a very prejudiced view.

I haven't heard of any dating scams about young Asian women. Either way I wouldn't jump to that conclusion.

Thankfully I've never said anything like that to any of my four adult children and value the relationships enough to think before I speak

As I said earlier all the OP can do now is to wait and see if he accepts her apology.

theworriedwell

Smileless2012

How do you know she wouldn't have given the same advice if the women was white and from another country theworriedwell?

You don't do you.

She went to the bother of typing out the information of what she said, she specified the woman is Asian and she obviously thinks there is a connection or why bother saying it? Why talk about her background and why she's in the country. Having given that information she didn't say she's said the same with white potential girlfriends.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck the chances are it's a duck.

and if someone is looking for racism they will always find it.

She ementions that this lady is Asian because that is what she is. We have no reason, except the above, not to believe that if this lady was Roumanian or Russian or Portuguese, she would have mentioned that.

You should also read my last paragraph. There is a lot in the media about romance scams. Either about the people who have fallen for them and about the huge scam colonies in Thailand/Myanmar run by Chinese gangsters.

Obviously someone as intelligent as you and as well educated will fully understand all the details of these schemes and be au fait, with how they work so you will appreciate these would not affect someone from those countries in this country, but regrettably not everyone is as wise and perspicacious as you and may be worried that he might be scammed by someone already in this country

Oh yes the usual trope about looking for racism. As I said I never encounter these issues as a white woman unless I am with my non white husband.

Why do you think the IP mentions what she said four months ago unless she thinks it is linked. Yes uncomfortable thoughts but credit to OP as she clearly sees the link and acknowledges it.

Maybe people need to ask themselves why they are so reluctant to recognise racism. I guess it makes them uncomfortable.

Recognising racism doesn't make me uncomfortable. What makes me uncomfortable are accusations of racism when there isn't any.

Let’s forget the racism for a minute (in this case)

So here we go a new scenario taking out anything about race the son tells his mum via WhatsApp that he may have a new girlfriend and the mum sends a message back ‘well you do realise girls can cheat on you, or they might take all your money and you ll be spending all your hard earned cash on her, then she might walk Are you using protection some girls get pregnant on purpose to snare a man’
This is not written to a 14 year old but a grown man with his own house!!
Absolutely doesn’t give him the right to write abusive messages ( 4MONTHS LATER) but really you can’t genuinely expect a guy especially one with ADHD ( not know for measured thinking when pushed) to say ‘thanks mum I m glad you gave me that piece of advice I needed to hear that’

The mystery to me is why he waited four months to reply ADHD people are usually pretty immediate

"Thinking about dating a woman from Asia", if that's what he actually said, seems a strange way of putting his thoughts to you. Sounds to me as if he's been on a dating website and that he thinks her ethnicity might be an issue. If that's the case, then maybe you were right to suggest he exercises caution.
However, if he didn't raise her ethnicity, then why has it arisen?
Either way, what he said to you was appalling, especially as it seems to have come four months later out of the blue. What was contact like in those intervening four months?

Something else must have been going on in the intervening time.

It's all very odd.

This is written by a grown man with his own house not a house BlueBelle, an apartment paid for by the parents he now wishes will have an isolated and lonely old age.

I posted earlier what a sad world it is when a parent can't give advice to their AC and was accused of twisting the words of another but that's how your post comes across to me. What's wrong with giving your on advice especially when he tells you he's thinking of doing something. As I've already posted, if I tell someone I'm thinking about doing something it's because I'm looking for some feedback/advice/support.

I haven't seen anyone say they would have expected Gooi's son to thank her for her advice, it's his appalling message that's the subject of this thread.

The OP's son did raise her ethnicity Retroladywriting. "He told us in the summer, via whatsapp that he was thinking of dating a woman from Asia".

Gooi also told us in her OP they've been struggling to see him all year so before the dating whatsapp message, and that the relationship is difficult because they're never good enough and always in the wrong.

Clearly this is a difficult and volatile relationship, and has been for some time.

I suggest that what must have been going on in the intervening 4 months Allira, was the continuation of a difficult relationship with his parents who struggle to see him.

Smileless2012

I suggest that what must have been going on in the intervening 4 months Allira, was the continuation of a difficult relationship with his parents who struggle to see him.

Yes, it's not just the comment about dating.

Pity his son's principles didn't extend to refusing a free apartment. If he generally finds his parents distasteful and controlling, then he shouldn't let them bank roll him. As for his mum's advice on the new girlfriend, I can see why it got his back up but I know for certain that most Asian families would question a future white Western daughter in law.

"the son's principles" not his! Wish there was an edit button.

Generally speaking, if a person has made an inappropriate comment such as this one about dating, this could not be an isolated incident.

I don't agree that it was an inappropriate comment and you do seem to be disregarding the difficulties the OP faces with her son Hithere.

I posted earlier what a sad world it is when a parent can't give advice to their AC
Well we re just repeating ourselves Smileless as I said before of course they can give advise if it’s asked for, but not really wise if it’s not asked for and is in any way controversial
Anyway I m sure there’s lots more to this in between the first WhatsApp and the four months later one or else it makes no sense at all
But that we ll probably never know

The OP came on here with valid concerns and lots of us tried to help.
The OP hasn’t bothered to respond to anything that’s been said, and I find this quite often happens.
Sometimes I wonder why we bother, I really do. It is so rude on the part of the OP.

Well TBF Crossstitchfan while I agree that it's a shame she hasn't been back, I can't say I'm surprised bearing in mind some of the responses she's had.

Accusations of racism are very unpleasant and this is someone who is new to GN and who came with as you say ^valid concerns^; she may have left.

I think it makes sense if you consider the history of the relationship BlueBelle and that the OP had been struggling to see her son before the wattsapp message and her response to it.

Smileless2012

Well TBF Crossstitchfan while I agree that it's a shame she hasn't been back, I can't say I'm surprised bearing in mind some of the responses she's had.

Accusations of racism are very unpleasant and this is someone who is new to GN and who came with as you say ^valid concerns^; she may have left.

I think it makes sense if you consider the history of the relationship BlueBelle and that the OP had been struggling to see her son before the wattsapp message and her response to it.

I agree with this.
The OP may have made a regrettable remark but apologised and in most cases that would be enough for the parent/son relationship to recover and carry on. However, despite the parents providing a flat for their son I feel that the relationship must have already been a tricky one.
Most families muddle through despite occasional spats or regrettable remarks, but for some the AC would probably find a reason to cut off or say something dreadful without the parent saying anything regrettable at all though in this case that can be weaponised by the son regardless of any apologies.
We all make mistakes but not all of us are put through the wringer by a loved one for it.

I hope the OP does come back. None of us are in a position to judge and she is under no obligation to justify herself.
This is a support forum not the News&Politics forum.

None of us are in a position to judge and yet some appear very quick to do so Babs .

Unfortunately so many people have preconceived ideas about different cultures and don't realise how much harm they cause in situations like this.

I'm not sure what happened in those 4 months but it seems to be enough that a son has decided to protect his partner from such views from his own close family.

I can only imagine how much pain someone must be in to lash out with words like that and while his reply is not acceptable in the slightest, it is always reasonable to hate the behaviour not the child and that involves understanding what led to that behaviour in the first place.