Thoughts in the early hours

I also agree Allsorts.

Glad you have your husband Marg and have many good years ahead with him.

friendlygingercat

There are two sides to every estrangement story.

Having been an adult child who went low contact with their parents I dont think its about them deliberately wanting to hurt you. Its more about them not wanting to bear the dreadful burden that the reationship imposes. In my case, that of always being the black sheep as opposed to the golden princess. As a child I was told unspeakably cruel things. Such as my mother had heart trouble because I was a naughty girl. Imagine saying that to an 8 year old child nowadays. There came a time when I realised that nothing I ever achieved was going to make up for my decision not to GIVE my parents grandshildren.

I am sorry that you suffered that with your parents.

You are right there are 2 sides to every Estrangement story. But no assumptions can be made about what those "sides" are as every story is different albeit sometimes having common features.

Thank you, Allsorts, we're both very hurt obviously, we have our lovely daughter and a granddaughter so we've come to terms with it and get on with living our lives together. (He has minimal contact with his sister).

You're doing the right thing Marg, it isn't easy coming to terms with being estranged but it's the only way of getting on with our lives.

Thank you, Smileless.

jusnoneed

My eldest son cut contact with us in 2009, his youngest child was only a few months old so we only ever saw him once. We had no contact with the other children either. I was especially close to the eldest granddaughter. I had to track him down when my dad left him some money in 2021 but nothing from him after, he was quite chatty so hopes rose but it's not to be, so that's a lost cause and I no longer worry about them.

Then out of the blue about 3 months ago she got in touch via the Ancestry website! She had been thinking of doing her family tree and when searching my name popped up, so she messaged me. We have emailed since and she has filled in the news about the others, turns out I also have 5 great grandchildren!

How wonderful that you’ve reconnected with your granddaughter!

When I had a child me and my then husband (amicable divorce, not recent one due to coercive abuse)

we made a vow between us not to visit the problems our parents had bequeathed on us to our child, and we largely succeeded.

Not without an 8 year blip which was sad and hard to bear, and I can trace back to both me and then DH. Me, a long severe depression that meant I cut contact to all.

but the difference is that both me and then DH did not ^blame our parents, (done a lot of therapy):

we understood why they had been as they had been and then looking at their parents and so on.

The blip is now understood: time and hard work just being responsive and not making demands on them has paid off.

Its terribly sad and I realise many of you are talking about much more nasty situations, (abuse, active cruelty) where blame is appropriate

but the human tendency to blame others for our ills instead of seeking to understand is very sad, isnt it.

Wyllow, I am a bit puzzled by your post, are you estranged from anyone? Did you estrange from your parents for 8 years.

Sorry *Allsorts bit of a foggy brain atm.

There was some estrangement between me and my son when he was in his 20's as I was totally unable to be a loving and supportive mum in that important time in his life. He grew hurt and some accusations especially when he had a rough patch but wasnt fully aware of the complexity of my MH stuff back then, and my then DH his Dad withdrew too.

All is well now, we've all learnt and changed. He's 44.