Son is pushing us away

Thank you for the helpful advice I have received, it is appreciated. The comments stating that I have ‘passed judgement’ or jumped to conclusions about my daughter in law are in my view unfair and deeply hurtful. We have always been loving and open with all our children’s partners and when our son has talked about her I have never said anything against her. I’m not going to defend myself on here but I hope that perhaps some posters can learn to be kind

MrsFlowers

It sounds like you have already passed judgement on your DIL. You need to allow them to work out their own lives and i imagine she can sense your disappproval of her. There could be anything behind your son’s decision and you may never be party to the dynamics of his family. I think it’s best to accept his decision gracefully and leave the door wide open for him and his wife.

I agree with MrsFlowers.

I’m actually a bit confused……….was this ds going to come without his wife originally as she was staying home to dog sit but now the wife is doing a school event and can’t dog sit??

Yes I agree that comments about you having passed judgement or jumped to conclusions are unfair as well as being very hurtful Susie, but I'm afraid it's 'power for the course' here on GN with threads of this nature.

Ignore them .

One of my sons-IL is not very sociable. He simply stays at home for some family events. No-one minds and it is not done in a "huffy" way but we recognise that our idea of family fun is not his. He stayed home for New Year while the rest of his family came and joined in - we wished him HNY and hoped he was enjoying the peace!

Susie1183

Thank you for the helpful advice I have received, it is appreciated. The comments stating that I have ‘passed judgement’ or jumped to conclusions about my daughter in law are in my view unfair and deeply hurtful. We have always been loving and open with all our children’s partners and when our son has talked about her I have never said anything against her. I’m not going to defend myself on here but I hope that perhaps some posters can learn to be kind

^Last Summer his brother and family went on holiday close to where they live especially to try to see him and let the children see each other. He saw them for one afternoon but was withdrawn and left when his wife said they should go home. My other son was exasperated and didn’t know what to do.
We have gone down to see them often over the years, staying in a local b & b, but have found his wife unwelcoming and struggled to engage with her. The children are always delighted to see us and really now we go for them.
My feeling is that his wife has felt slightly threatened by his relationships with us and either consciously or unconsciously pulled him away. We have also noticed that as they have become more comfortable financially she has developed expensive taste and makes comments about others that lead me to wonder if she looks down on us and doesn’t want to do the things we do as a family. We go for walks by the sea and love looking for crabs in rock pools. She goes to expensive spas and designer shops.^

You appear to judge dil. Perhaps I'm mistaken, Apologies.

No Astitchintime the OP's son, wife and children were supposed to be going which is why a 3 bedroom apartment was booked and paid for, by the OP and her husband.

Her d.i.l. knowing that this was booked arranged to help with a school event so she couldn't go and now they're unable to find someone to look after the dog, despite having known about the event since last August!!!

I am stunned by how many posters who are apparently ignoring the appallingly rude and thoughtless behaviour by the AC whilst telling the OP to let them live their own lives or that they are adults or asking if the OP checked they wanted to come etc etc - all implied but assumed criticism of the OP!

susie has stated clearly that:

* they always encouraged their children to take their own path
* that two months ago the son was really looking forward to the weekend away
*that he is stepping back from his siblings too

The fact he said he was looking forward to it clearly suggests that either that was true at the time or that he/they arent adult enough to just explain if they dont want to come and frankly need to grow up or that something else is going on in what the OP says her son has described as an unhappy marriage.

I fail to see how anyone can draw conclusions that this is the OPs fault in any way frankly. The son is at fault along with his wife, not because they don't want to come (hmm not sure the son doesn't but who knows) but because they have been selfish thoughtless rude and unkind

Susie you know where things are at with your son including his upbringing and your own behaviours. I hope you can enjoy yourselves on your special break.

I agree that it was wrong for your son to accept the invitation at the onset and allow you to go to so much trouble and expense in arranging it. He should have made his feelings clear at the onset that he did not want to attend a huge get together. But perhaps you should not have put pressure on him and his family to come at the onset.

Would you really WANT family members to attend some occasion out of a duty if you knew (because they had told you or shown by their reluctance) that they really didnt want to come?. I would not want to put pressure on a friend or relation to feel that they HAD to come and see me if I knew they were not going to enjoy the experience.

If your son has pulled back from these occasions for the last two years I think you will need to accept with good grace that he now has different priorities. If doesnt necessarily mean that you have done anything wrong. Just that he has moved on with his life as people often do.

I wish I was stunned Madgran but it no longer surprises me as it happens all the time when a mother comes onto GN to talk about issues she's having with her son, which started when he got married.

Posters it seems can talk about their parents and/or p's.i.l. but when a m.i.l. does so, she's accused of being judgemental and/or jumping to conclusions.

What makes you think the OP applied pressure in the first place friendlygingercat and that any of her family accepted the invitation out of duty?

I fail to see how anyone can draw conclusions that this is the OPs fault in any way frankly. The son is at fault along with his wife, not because they don't want to come (hmm not sure the son doesn't but who knows) but because they have been selfish thoughtless rude and unkind.

Them not coming along is clearly not OPs fault, however apart from the financial aspect it's not clear not why OP desires a holiday with dil.

Cutting losses springs to mind.

But perhaps you should not have put pressure on him and his family to come at the onset.

What ...as in "Would you like to come on a family weekend to celebrate ....."

Nothing the OP says has suggested pressure being put on. Of course they could have just said No! But instead the DiL agrees to do something that weekend instead ...rather than just say "No thanks". Honestly, just WHY is Susie at fault here?

Honestly, just WHY is Susie at fault here? because she's the m.i.l. Madgran.

Since joining Gransnet recently am quite astonished how parents and grandparents are regularly advised to ‘say nothing’ ‘take a back seat’ ‘be careful or you might not see your grandchildren’ . Is like we are all pussy footing round unexploded bombs, not dealing with ‘adults’ who are in some cases being rude and rather horrid to those they presumably love.
Is as if emotional blackmail is the weapon of choice with adult children and we should all enable this by just letting their rude behaviour go unchecked.
The OP and her husband have every right to feel hard done by.

"He always makes an excuse (he hasn’t come to the last two christenings). "

This is your answer. Do not blame your dil.
He is an adult making his own decisions

Norah Them not coming along is clearly not OPs fault, however apart from the financial aspect it's not clear not why OP desires a holiday with dil..Cutting losses springs to mind.

Well this appalling behaviour might well make the OP "cut her losses"!

But trying to maintain a relationship with your ACs partner is a normal process in family relationships and frankly AC partners have some responsibility for that if they really care about the person they presumably love as they married them!

And cutting losses actually means walking away from a son you love (despite his behaviours) who you know is in an unhappy marriage and are worried about. Being quietly available seems more appropriate as a parent frankly as the son is not actually cutting off completely. If he wants to estrange he needs to say so. But he isnt! And if he doesnt want to he needs to carry on with his parents whilst letting his wife make her choices (but not let her scupper plans by making arrangements to help with something on a previously arranged weekend away)

And the OP is hurting understandably.

Susie is absolutely making the right decision by going away with her other AC and watching and waiting

Smileless2012

^Honestly, just WHY is Susie at fault here?^ because she's the m.i.l. Madgran.

So are a lot of posters on here! Which is why I dont understand the level of assumptions being made

Nothing the OP says has suggested pressure being put on. Of course they could have just said No! But instead the DiL agrees to do something that weekend instead ...rather than just say "No thanks". Honestly, just WHY is Susie at fault here?

OP is not at fault for son and dil change of plans. However, OP and other family members judgement of dil may be apparent (even I can read judgement), making for uncomfortable holiday to avoid.

I agree falling star

Madgran77

*Norah Them not coming along is clearly not OPs fault, however apart from the financial aspect it's not clear not why OP desires a holiday with dil..Cutting losses springs to mind.*

Well this appalling behaviour might well make the OP "cut her losses"!

But trying to maintain a relationship with your ACs partner is a normal process in family relationships and frankly AC partners have some responsibility for that if they really care about the person they presumably love as they married them!

And cutting losses actually means walking away from a son you love (despite his behaviours) who you know is in an unhappy marriage and are worried about. Being quietly available seems more appropriate as a parent frankly as the son is not actually cutting off completely. If he wants to estrange he needs to say so. But he isnt! And if he doesnt want to he needs to carry on with his parents whilst letting his wife make her choices (but not let her scupper plans by making arrangements to help with something on a previously arranged weekend away)

And the OP is hurting understandably.

Susie is absolutely making the right decision by going away with her other AC and watching and waiting

Of course the holiday should continue with other AC.

Cutting losses with dil, not son. OP will always love and adore her son.

Your son is afraid of her and knows you know it. He sounds depressed. Nothing is worse than forced social situations. Maybe he just agreed to it because he knew it was what you wanted. His being rude was the only way he could deal with it at the time. His wife probably doesn’t want to play happy families. I cannot think of anything worse than having a holiday with lots of relatives. You are treating them as if they were young children.

Norah Cutting losses with dil, not son. OP will always love and adore her son.

But his behaviour in dealing with this suggests that cutting losses with DiL coukd easily become Estrangement from her son! Relationships are not simplistic

Gran22boys You are treating them as if they were young children

In what way?

THEY are behaving like young children by not just saying if they dont want to come! If his wife doesnt want to go she can just say so!!
Lots of families go on holiday together and enjoy it. Offering it as an option to ones adult children is not " treating them as young children"

It always happens Madgran when a m.i.l. is talking about problems with her son and thinks her d.i.l. might be responsible.

You're right Fallingstar. It's awful being estranged from our son and only GC but at least we don't have that to put up with.