It's official: Grandparents are good for children

How do you know this not to be the case? As you say anything is possible. Maybe you should read some stories and studies from the perspective of parents who have been estranged.

Smileless2012

How do you know this not to be the case? As you say anything is possible. Maybe you should read some stories and studies from the perspective of parents who have been estranged.

I also read many estranged parents’ stories as well, which is why I’m here.

I know it’s not the case because the estranged adult children say so on a large scale. There are individual stories, surveys, and studies. The information is out there. The estranged adult children know why they made that choice much better than their parents or anyone else outside of extreme situations such as psychosis (though I’ve never come across a situation like that.)

You only know what you've read from the EAC who have said so; what about those who haven't? No one can say that this is not and is never the case unless they survey all EAC which is never going to happen is it.

EP's on this forum are often disbelieved when they say they don't know why they've been estranged because we're told that never happens and yet, DogWhisperer provided a link to a survey of EAC where 55%, more than half of those who took part, said they'd never told their parents why.

You are conflating two different things: the reason an adult child estranged their parent, and whether or not the adult child told their parent.

Further, we have an example on this thread of a parent acknowledging their child did try to tell them the reasons and she wouldn’t listen (a big show of emotional maturity which I applaud) and has now reconciled. What percentage of estranged parents also couldn’t take in what their adult child tried to tell them? Who knows for certain, but based on what I’ve read from the accounts of both parties, I suspect a much higher percentage than adult children estranging just because.

No, I wasn't conflating two different things I was pointing out that no one can make a definitive statement that they know something is not the case when it comes to estrangement.

No one knows for certain what percentage of EPs couldn't or wouldn't take in what their AC tried to tell them just as no can know for certain how many estrange 'just because'.

It is of course possible that the percentage of AC who estrange 'just because' is lower but that's not what you said, you said you know that estranging 'just because' doesn't happen.

My apologies. You posted just because is never the reason reported but that doesn't mean it's never the reason does it.

Right, I’m not saying it never happens. I’m saying that (from what I can find) no adult child reports estranging just for fun. Indicating if it that is ever the reason it is exceedingly rare.

I didn't say any AC estranges just for fun.

Of course grandparents are wonderful to have and be present as long as there is a good relationship all around.

What about grandparents that don't want to be grandparents? Or ones that are ok being a yearly visit but everyone is ok with that?
Or children that don't have any at all?

I haven't read the article, but is that Jennifer Saunders from ab fab?

“No reason” is also never reported from what I can find.

There's always reasons x

Whatever their reason even if they just cannot be bothered or find us irritating, its surely not hard to understand how a parent that really loves her adult child and is heartbroken when dumped, you never stop loving them. She estranged all family, I was the last to go, I child minded as she was always on holiday,

Yes, the pain and heartbreak felt by a parent being estranged is very real and valid, whether they know the reason or not. At the same time, I think holding the choice to estrange against the adult child likely to be counterproductive. Adult children don’t report estranging their parent(s) because they want to punish them or hurt them (not to say it doesn’t hurt parents, just that that is not the reason.) They report that they choose to estrange for their own wellbeing. In those instances I suppose the question becomes, what’s more important, the pain a parent feels being estranged from their adult child, or the betterment of their adult child’s life from being estranged?
I say this based off of surveys and statistics and am not trying to apply them to anyone’s specific situation here. Just food for thought.

There will always be reasons. No-one ever goes from a perfect relationship to estrangement instantly - whether or not people are open to seeing/hearing those reasons is another thing entirely.

No one here has said no reason has ever been reported baskestrategic and TBH, I wouldn't expect an EAC to say they'd estranged their parents to hurt them, anymore than I'd expect to see an EP say they've been estranged because they were abusive.

Can we please be mindful of who reads this forum. Yes, there will always be reasons but those reasons can and sometimes do have nothing to do with the parent(s) being estranged, and you're right stillawipp no-one ever goes from a perfect relationship to estrangement instantly because perfect relationships don't exist do they.

I know from your posts that you were open to seeing/hearing the reasons for your estrangement and acted accordingly but please don't assume that those of us who remain estranged haven't been or wouldn't have been had we been given the opportunity to do so.

And that's the foundation of the problem tbh, the fact that the estranged person can't see their own issues and behaviour towards thd child, leaving no other option but estrangement.
None of us parented perfectly, we all learned on the job, the difference is, some of us recognise our failings and try and amend for them...some of us don't.

Sometimes the one estranging can't see their own issues, recognise their failings and try and amend for them.

It's such a shame that once again there are suggestions that those who are estranged are at fault for not recognising their failings and trying to amend for them.

Reconciliation requires the desire for resolution from all concerned. Those who successfully reconcile do so because the one's who estranged them want reconciliation too. If the one who estranges doesn't, there's nothing that the one whose been estranged can do. That may not be the only foundation of the problem, but it is one of them.

Examples from the link:-

"can't be bothered with the effort of explaining"
"it's not worth the effort"
"I'm not going to discuss it with them"
"I have not and wont"

I didn't say over half of estranged children I said, which is in my post that you have quoted more than half of those who took part and you accuse me of ^twisting to fit (my) delusional narrative again^

I agree with you. The child will have accepted that there's no point trying anymore due to the parents being uable to reflect and take responsibility....in most cases.
I think the child thar estranges for no reason may have a mental illness.

twisting reality

Smileless2012

No one here has said no reason has ever been reported baskestrategic and TBH, I wouldn't expect an EAC to say they'd estranged their parents to hurt them, anymore than I'd expect to see an EP say they've been estranged because they were abusive.

Can we please be mindful of who reads this forum. Yes, there will always be reasons but those reasons can and sometimes do have nothing to do with the parent(s) being estranged, and you're right stillawipp no-one ever goes from a perfect relationship to estrangement instantly because perfect relationships don't exist do they.

I know from your posts that you were open to seeing/hearing the reasons for your estrangement and acted accordingly but please don't assume that those of us who remain estranged haven't been or wouldn't have been had we been given the opportunity to do so.

My apologies - perfect was the wrong word to use - I certainly don’t achieve that in any of my relationships! And of course I don’t wish to cast aspersions on anyone else’s situation but my own, and I am so sorry for those still estranged. We should all be kinder and less judgemental to others.
I suppose I just find it inconceivable that someone would have a close, loving, conflict-free relationship with someone one day and then cut them off the next with no warning, no hints of dissatisfaction/argument and no discernible reason, but maybe I have to accept that that is a naive opinion, and that things like that do happen outside my own ‘bubble’.

In our family situation, the child states that her parent knows the reasons why but the parent says she doesn't. When I read the reasons why some said they did not explain it seems to be a pattern of being told that things did not happen. Perhaps that is too difficult to navigate? Too painful to open your heart with reasons and be dismissed?

We should all be kinder and less judgemental to others yes we should stillawipp and I'm pleased to see the offensive post and the poster have been removed.

Everyone be they the one whose estranged or the one who has been estranged, posts from and about their own experience. I find it inconceivable that a parent can abuse their own child but it happens and for the sake of those who say, however inconceivable it may be that a once close, loving, conflict-free relationship has been severed without any warning they shouldn't have to keep defending themselves.

That is our experience and there isn't anyone who finds it more inconceivable than we do.

There will I'm sure be a pattern of reasons being given and those reasons being denied which I understand for the EAC will be upsetting InRainbows.

As an EP I accept that which is why it should also be accepted that that isn't always the case, because it's just as painful for EP's who share their stories to be consistently derided on this forum. As the majority of those who contribute to this forum demonstrate, it is possible to express an opinion respectfully and to disagree without resorting to personal insults.

In terms of being mindful of those who read the forum, I can honestly say that I do so with every single post I write - having been reconciled with my son, the possibility that I may be able to help others is the only reason I have for still being on here! I think it is really important to remember that it is not only long-term estranged people who read the forum, but also those who are newly estranged, and those have come through it and simply would like to offer support and suggestions to others when advice is sought out.
That’s not to say that the opinions and advice of those still estranged are not important, of course they are, but equally important are the ones from those who are reconciled. Neither should be ‘derided’ or dismissed, in my opinion.

Neither should be 'derided' or dismissed that's what I'm saying stillawipp and have been saying for years.

We know that the newly estranged read this forum. Those of us who've been posting for a long time were all newly estranged when we first came here before there was an estrangement forum, and contributions from those who have reconciled are, and have always been welcomed.

For me, saying that you find the experience that others say they've had inconceivable and that maybe (you) have to accept that that is a naive opinion does not come across as being mindful of those posting or reading this forum whose estrangement experience differs to your own.