Despair

GinRumy What a nasty comment! Very rude and unhelpful. I do not blame the poster at all for her feelings. I'm sure everyone in her position would feel the same way. Maybe the lazy slob has never worked in his life and has been ordering people around and having them wait on him for the whole of his life. He has probably deliberately put distance between the poster's daughter and her which is what a lot of people do when they are control freaks. His parents obviously can't see him for what he is and should feel embarrassed that their son and his wife don't get to see the DDs mother, when they live with them. He sounds like a lazy spoilt pig. If I was her I would report him for growing cannabis. It's illegal and it's disgusting doing that with a child in the house, and him and his parents should be ashamed for allowing it to happen. The DD may be in despair over her life, but feel unable to do anything about it because her partner is controlling and may even have threatened violence if she gets in touch with her family.

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OkBoomer You're the one that needs to shut up. You're being totally unreasonable and bullying. I do not agree with you at all. You're talking out of your xxxx.

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Did your daughter express that she is being abused? Does she voice her unhappiness? If the answer is yes, choosing not to visit doesn’t seem wise. No one ever helped an abuse victim by choosing to stay away. If you suspect she is being coerced into being a servant then the need to support her should be greater than your disdain for seeing her do things for him. Keep the lines of communication open. Always assure your daughter than you love her unconditionally and will help her when/if she needs you. Perhaps a social services check would do them some good. When our children are being abused our love for them must take precedent over our disdain for their spouse.

You say he is a good father. You also say he is an abuser. These two things cannot exist together. Good parents do not abuse the other parent. The damage being done to the victim will eventually impact the child. None of the adults involved should be deluding themselves if this man is truly abusive. It will only hurt your grandson.

Regarding his lack of employment and cannabis growing, if your daughter is unhappy no one could fault her. I certainly wouldn’t want such a chap for a son in law even without the abuse. But let us also not confuse these two issues for abuse if these are your main complaints about him. Neither is the fact that your daughter routinely declines to visit unless you know for a fact the husband is refusing to allow it.

I understand you are frustrated. It’s a very helpless, vulnerable position to be in when your adult daughter is not living what you feel is a healthy, fulfilling life. If I were you I would take a step back and really ensure you seeing things factually. If he is really abusive, he is thriving knowing that you won’t go see them. Abusers love to keep relatives of their victims away. Be strong. Be there for your daughter

I feel for you, however your daughter is an adult, you say he is a good Dad, that matters a lot, it may be that they know how much you disapprove of him and this causes tension between them. Step back, stop pushing, if you visit stay in a B n B and try not to be so judgemental. He is when all is said and done her choice.

How is growing cannabis any worse than home brewing beer? In some countries it's also legal to grow your own cannabis, and it actually takes a lot of work!

Noone has stories of a husband getting too high and beating his wife and children, but with alcohol it happens all too often.

Because home brewing beer isn't illegal; growing cannabis without a special licence from the Home Office is.

I reported OkBoomer's nasty comments and she has now been banned.

I think the cannabis growing is problematic if it’s illegally done, and if he is using near or while actively with the children. Fwiw, I feel the same about alcohol as I do about cannabis as far as usage and abuse. I don’t believe substances that have high abuse potential and actively cause health problems should be treated casually when it comes to the exposure of children. That also goes for cigarettes. The OP has every right to have some concern regarding her grandchild, but her daughter also has responsibility there.

If you want a relationship with your daughter and grandson, you have to accept her life choice. Or you will
Be the only loser, tell her you are going to visit, and be grateful he is a good dad, regardless of what else he does, you’ll be there have no choice really if you want a relationship.

Luckygirl 13 consise and excellent advice.

Just get on with your life and make no contact , she obviously doesn't care about you so return the compliment

It’s getting really tiring reading nasty, uncalled for comments toward people who are hurting and experiencing family conflict in this forum.

Is it really obvious that the OP’s daughter doesn’t care about her? You know the OP and her daughter, or do you simply have magical powers that allow you to read one post and automatically know the complexities of the families of anonymous strangers online? What part of decency makes a person come online to twist the knife in a mother upset about the lack of closeness with her daughter? What type of “help” is it to say such an unfounded awful thing to a parent about their child? It’s only “obvious” that some people like to be hurtful and crass behind a screen because they have issues themselves. Between yesterday and this new awful comment, some people need to take a break from the internet.

Oh well said BlessedArt .

It is as you say tiresome and even though we know that the unpleasant posts say more about those making them then who they're directed at, that doesn't make them any less cruel and hurtful.

I didn't see those posts before they were deleted Peaseblossom but can imagine their content as we unfortunately get so many. Thank you for reporting them.

GinRumy Wow! You are so empathetic, it's lovely to see.

MIISSKITTY please ignore all the horrible posters they always come out of the woodwork when a new thread appears on the estrangement forum .
I agree with all the supportive posters they know what you are going through. .
If you want a place with no judgement ,but understanding ,advice if you want it and friendship. Go on the support threat the OP is Smiless2012.

It has been a lifeline for me for 6 years . Its not doom and gloom and we don't just talk about estrangement. We have lives and you can live with estrangement. At first its hard but you do reach a point when you let go. Took me 3 years before I decided to stop . In all that time only contact my son 3 times after his initial email and his letter 4 months later. Once medical,once financial because of his dads will and last time when I decided if I had silence or abuse I was done . I had abuse so I am done with him.

We are strangers he is not the son I knew and I am definitely not the mom he knew. He not only estranged me but all over side of the family. So I knew it wasn't me but he choose his path. I choose mine.

I am sorry this has happened to you but it seems to be a world wide sport to estrange parents and other realitives.

Just know you are not alone .

Sorry spelt Smiles full user name wrong Doh. Smileless2012

iLUVcomedy so you think I am its funny to call people names . Hence your user name. I pity you your life must be so empty you think its funny labelling people.

I deal in facts not fiction. You should try writing a joke book .

iLUVcomedy

I swear, Narcissists say the funniest things!

"He not only estranged me but all over side of the family. So I knew it wasn't me"

"it seems to be a world wide sport to estrange parents and other realitives."

What a hoot, what a holler, what a riot! And the best part is she genuinely believes it too!

Even though Narcissists all share the same playbook, the olympic level of mental gymnastics will never cease to amaze me. Truly wonderful.

I find diagnosing narcissism by people who have no knowledge of psychiatry, and have never met someone a bit of a laugh too, don't you?

It fascinates me iLUVcomedy how someone can reveal so much about themselves in such a short post.

Smiles I reported iLUVcomedy and she has been removed and banned from GN did it last night and had email earlier today. But what she said still stands because MissA posted it. I know she didn't do it to be to hurt anyone. Those where my words. But I never take offence at MissA as she has helped me in the past on other threads

But do wish people wouldn't quote horrible posters words because even though GN can deleted them and ban them the words still stand.

What I find odd, since being on this site, is that of all the forums, the estrangement one draws the most, and not sure what the word is, hate? From posters that dont normally use GN?
Upset?

I have no idea if they are current members? Or join just so they can post whatever.
[And are not around long before they get banned anyway].

BlessedArt

It’s getting really tiring reading nasty, uncalled for comments toward people who are hurting and experiencing family conflict in this forum.

Is it really obvious that the OP’s daughter doesn’t care about her? You know the OP and her daughter, or do you simply have magical powers that allow you to read one post and automatically know the complexities of the families of anonymous strangers online? What part of decency makes a person come online to twist the knife in a mother upset about the lack of closeness with her daughter? What type of “help” is it to say such an unfounded awful thing to a parent about their child? It’s only “obvious” that some people like to be hurtful and crass behind a screen because they have issues themselves. Between yesterday and this new awful comment, some people need to take a break from the internet.

I agree with every word BlessedArt. I think some bitter people hang around the estrangement threads in the hope of finding someone vulnerable to bully for reasons that have much more to do with themselves than the person they’re targeting.