Despair

Hello and a warm welcome to the estrangement forum. There are always mixed emotions when we see someone new, pleased that you've found this forum but sadness that you needed too.

It's heartbreaking to see someone we love in a coercively controlling relationship because, and I'm so sorry to say this, there's very little if anything you can do.

Where there's abuse, the abuser seeks to distance their victim from anyone who may try to shine a light on what's really going on. We believe this is what happened with our youngest son who we've now been estranged from for more than 13 years which also means having no relationship with our only GC.

The only advise I have is that you stop inviting them. This will stop your understandable upset when excuses are made for not coming and will take any pressure from your daughter from having to make them.

Try to keep any contact light hearted. Don't tell her you're sad, instead tell her what you've been up too and ask the same about her and your GS.

You say your GS's father is a good dad which is a good thing despite him not working and growing cannabis.

What your D needs to know is that you love her and are here for her which you can do by simply ending every conversation with 'love you'.

This forum is so you can share everything and anything else you need to talk about without involving your D, and there will always be someone here who knows precisely what you're going through because they've been through it too.

There's a private message facility if you want to share anything that you're not comfortable doing so on a public forum.

You're not alone and just knowing that really is priceless x

I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation.

I do think that the advice to keep your communications light and chatty is good. Hard, I know, but that is most likely to break the deadlock. She will not feel under pressure then.

Tell her about your week, ask about GS, send him good wishes.

Thank you, your words mean a lot. I've tried being light hearted and chatty but she keeps moving the goal posts and I've finally cracked. We get on so well but he's always with her. I'm never considered at Christmas time and they actually live with his family. Anyway as you say there's nothing I can do and I have to get on with my life. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. What a terrible mistake our children are making. Wishing you all the best and thanks again.

It isn't easy to get on with our lives without them but it is possible, just as it's possible to find some peace. It probably doesn't seem possible right now we never thought it could be for us, but it was and it can be for you too.

Personally I would still go and visit.

Not ideal in the slightest, but better, a lot better, than no contact.

Meant to add, I wouldnt invite them again though.

Why not book into a hotel or guest house near them. Then you can just visit for a few hours rather than b

Be in their home.
Sorry for disjointed Ted message my finger touched the post button accidentally!!

That's so hard, MissKitty. I think our children do choose their own lives and, while it may not be what you would have chosen for her, presumably she has chosen a life that makes her happy? I hope so, anyway. Does she know how you feel about her husband? Does he know how you feel about him? It can really affect the relationship when the other half senses they aren't good enough (whether it be true or not).

I would keep whatever communication open you can, even if you aren't visiting. Maybe leave a standing invitation for them to visit if they ever want to, then let it lie. It will end that disappointment for you every time. It will take time and it will hurt but pushing will just cause you pain. I know it's easy to say but sometimes we just have to accept the situation for what it is and get on with our lives around it. Messaging seems like a good way to stay in touch from a distance and you do at least have contact.

can I suggest that you get birthday cards and christmas cards for your daughter and grandchild. Not that you will send them necessarily , but if hopefully in the future they are able to get away from this man, without making a big deal of it, for them to see the cards and little gifts waiting for them, shows them that you thought of them all the time, even if you couldnt be with them or allowed to send them things. To be able to look at things bought over the years will show them in a very special way that they were in your thoughts and never forgotten even at the worst times

GinRummy, what a vitriolic reply to Poster. Says more about you.
Obviously a lazy couch potato giving his orders out, growing cannabis in the home and still living with parents is a nightmare. Who would want him as sil. It is however daughter’s choice. Let her know you are always there for her and I would visit but not stay with them, but take daughter and grandson out for the day or meals when you do visit them, trying to ignore the blob but being pleasant to him never the less. Can you start face-timing your grandson it is important to keep communication open so she knows she always has you. Then you do all the things you want to do when living your own life as its out if your hands really. You owe it to yourself to be happy, don't invite them as it just upsets you, accept what it is as it would involve him moving for a start.

I agree with GinRummy's reply. Why are some of you women on Gransnet so quick to accept, uncritically, what posters say about the family members they dislike? The son in law is a good dad, her daughter seems happy, so why should you, Miss Kitty, want to interfere and break up yet another family?

We can only respond to what we're told so why are some so quick to completely disregard the information we've been given and jump to the conclusion that in situations like this, the parent is always at fault?

I agree Allsorts that vitriolic replies always say more about the one who makes them.

Especially as someone new to GN, I hope you'll disregard any unpleasant responses MISSKITTY and focus on those whose only motivation is to offer advice and support.

I would visit the area she lives in and meet in a cafe or playground.
What are her inlaws like?
Must be tricky for your daughter living with them.

Welcome MISSKITTY, and please ignore the vitriolic attacks from certain GNs.
My parents were in a similar situation to you when I married a man who was violent and possessive, amongst other things. Fortunately, I came to my senses and escaped with my two children. Hopefully, your daughter will see sense too. In the meantime, as others have suggested, why not arrange to meet her away from her home, maybe staying in a nearby hotel. 💐

Well done Patsy for breaking away from a controlling and violent excuse for a man. You showed your children that no one should accept treatment like you had.

I am sure that your daughter realises deep down that she's not living the life she would have chosen. Perhaps one day she will have the courage to do something about it, or perhaps not. Either way, do what you can to keep letting her know that you love her and that you're there for her.
Do your best to tolerate the husband, be positive and cheerful around your grandson...keep the doors of communication open. It might not be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it in the fullness of time x

You disapprove of her lifestyle, blame the husband and, I suspect, don’t keep these opinions to yourself! No wonder she stays away.

Is there ANY truth in the above?

Miss Kitty
I understand how you are feeling.
This gaslighting is a scourge on society.
Happening all the time.
I’m in the same boat for the second time in 4 years. I asked what was wrong and why but just insults! So very sad isn’t it!!

Unkind people on here. She might not have done anything at all. But if he is growing cannabis he should be reported. He has a child for goodness sake!!

I have not personally experienced this (thanking God) but I have had a few friends who have. Firstly I think Grandma600 has excellent advice. And more importantly, don't give up hope! Two of my friends children, estranged for years, finally gave up/escaped the controlling partner and were very grateful to regain the love and support of their own family.

MISSKITTY, you have my sympathy and full understanding. My SIL sounds similar to yours. As to those who are accusing you of being the instigator of anything negative, let it go... as others have said, it says more about them than you. I am cordial and friendly with my SIL and yes, I told my D before they married that she could make a better choice...and she has told me the same about my husband (not her father)...lol...
My daughter claims they are very happy, but it is hard for me to know because they live in Central America now (I am in Canada).
I no longer have that hope that she will leave him. The door here is always open, we FT regularly and I tell her I love her each time and accept that although this is the last relationship on earth I would want for her, it is her life and her choice and all I can do is accept it. But oh my, it has been hard...and is a continuous effort on my part.

Luckygirl3

I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation.

I do think that the advice to keep your communications light and chatty is good. Hard, I know, but that is most likely to break the deadlock. She will not feel under pressure then.

Tell her about your week, ask about GS, send him good wishes.

I don't know that this will break the deadlock.

Based on my experience with my bonus daughter, whom I was very close to before she married, and now only receive texts from telling me if the weather where she lives has been wet or dry, or that her day has been long and tiring, but no other details given, I fear you will find yourself in a similar one way street of communication to me.

I tell me daughter what I have been doing, sent my love to her little boy, and my regards to her husband, (regards because I have never actually met her husband, and no, I have taken great care not to sound critical of him) and have often assured her that she is always welcome to ring and discuss anything she migth want to with me, all I get is the above chit-chat.

Promises to come and visit, broken at the last possible moment, with no real excuses or explanations offered.

I am afraid all you can do is grin and bear it, and hope that your daughter one day decides she has had enough of being controlled.

Could you offer to have your Grandson for a few days at a time? I've yet to meet a parent who wouldn't appreciate a few child-free days ...