Gransnet forums

Estrangement

Understanding estrangement

(233 Posts)
Allsorts Tue 13-Jul-21 06:19:40

I have joined this to try to understand the reasons behind my own estrangement, so won’t have a lot to contribute just yet but need to know I’m not alone with this dreadful problem. I have been been estranged a long time, so not looking for reconciliation, too late, just like minded people if that’s ok.

Eviebeanz Tue 13-Jul-21 07:00:32

Morning, saw your post and thought I'd stop to say hi. Wondered if you knew that there is a very busy and lively ongoing thread called support for all living with estrangement-it might be worth posting there. Everyone there seems very supportive of each other. Best wishes.

Aldom Tue 13-Jul-21 08:56:29

Allsorts Welcome. Just thought I would point you to the long standing thread on estrangement. SUPPORT for all living with estrangement The thread is looked after by a lady called Smileless. Like you she has been estranged from part of her family for many years. There is support and information there for you. Best wishes. flowers

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Jul-21 09:17:30

Hi Allsorts please join us on the 'Support for all living with estrangement' thread. You will find others who are living with the pain this brings, who share not just their grief but the things we have done to move on with our lives.

I'll keep an eye on the thread to see if you post there but if you decide not too, I'll respond to you hereflowers.

Allsorts Tue 13-Jul-21 15:56:58

Thank you. It’s really nice to be with people going through similar things, although sad it’s so common. There can be no excuse for treating a loving parent so poorly. One day they will realise there are few people that put you above their own needs parents and grandparent dol

Hithere Tue 13-Jul-21 16:30:34

Here you have people on both sides

Sorry you are in this situation

Estranged Wed 28-Jul-21 23:59:18

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CafeAuLait Thu 29-Jul-21 00:10:41

Estranged - I am not an estranged parent and have good relationships with my children. I'm just stating that because then you know I don't have any skin in what I'm about to reply to your post.

Estrangement is just not that simple. Your assumption that it is the parent who is to blame and who must have parented deficiently is presumptive and unfair. Sometimes the best parents have children who make bad choices or who are toxic themselves. Sometimes this is because of influences other than the parents. We have a lot of people we come into contact with who influence us in how we turn out and what we learn. Then there's genetics. If you do more research into estrangement you'll find that the problem can originate in either generation, or sometimes both play a part.

Mogsmaw Thu 29-Jul-21 00:36:56

What if your the parent of a narcissistic child? Is it still your fault?
Your assumptions are very hurtful.

Whiff Thu 29-Jul-21 07:18:33

CafeAuLait as you say you are not an estrangement parent so you have no idea what it feels like. You seem to assume we have done something to make our children turn their backs I us. I can assure I did nothing wrong and never saw what happened with my son coming .

You can read all research you like but it doesn't matter. Until it happens to you ,you shouldn't comment as you haven't experienced it.

It makes me mad when people talk about something they haven't experienced and voice an opinion. I only talk about things I have experienced.

Whiff Thu 29-Jul-21 07:23:08

Sorry CafeAuLait just released it wasn't you writing you must have been replying to someone else who had message deleted .

Sorry if I have hurt you I didn't mean to. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. As I have been hurt to many times by other people. I hope you accept my sincere apologies.

March Thu 29-Jul-21 07:42:21

Estrangement is not Black and White, there are Grey areas.
It's also different for every situation. Lots of factors to factor in.

The only sure thing is that it's hard and upsetting for everyone involved.

CafeAuLait Thu 29-Jul-21 08:19:32

Whiff

Sorry CafeAuLait just released it wasn't you writing you must have been replying to someone else who had message deleted .

Sorry if I have hurt you I didn't mean to. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. As I have been hurt to many times by other people. I hope you accept my sincere apologies.

No worries Whiff. I think the username of the poster I was quoting and replying to made it a bit confusing.

I do try not to make assumptions about who is at fault in an estrangement. There are so many variables in each situation and grown children are just as capable of being the problem in some situations too.

Whiff Thu 29-Jul-21 09:09:27

CafeAuLait thank for excepting my apology.

Smileless2012 Thu 29-Jul-21 09:45:54

Great post @ 00.10 CafeAuLaitsmile.

It's very hard for EP's when assumptions are made that they must be at fault, especially when they have posted here on GN and given some information as to why they've been estranged.

There needs to be, and thankfully more often than not, there is understanding and compassion for those living with estrangement whether they are the ones who have estranged, or are the ones who have been estranged.

As you have posted March "The only sure thing is that it's hard and upsetting for everyone involved".

Sara1954 Thu 29-Jul-21 10:28:10

All sorts
Sorry to hear you are feeling low.
But please don’t assume it’s always the child’s fault.
Sometimes there is fault on both sides, and in some cases a child has had the most awful time, and feels they have no choice.
This doesn’t mean I don’t have the greatest sympathy for all the estranged parents who are at a loss to know what went wrong.

OnwardandUpward Thu 29-Jul-21 10:30:30

At times I have felt very judged by people in my community who assume the worst. It seems easy for people to point the finger and jump to conclusions. I suppose unless you have been cut off by someone you can't really gauge how deeply it cuts. I have stopped trying to explain and just pretend "Im fine" because that is what people want to hear.

I don't write much online in case it identifies me and makes the problem longer lasting.

JaneJudge Thu 29-Jul-21 10:39:27

I think if you want to understand your own estrangement it is useful to seek talking based therapy to help you come to terms with it and move forward.

cornishpatsy Thu 29-Jul-21 11:07:31

I think it is important to accept it and move on. For whatever reason the estranged person does not like you or you do not like them. The reasons do not matter, you cannot change how somebody feels.

Whiff Thu 29-Jul-21 11:08:54

JaneJudge therapy may help some people but for me I don't need nor want it. I am not the one needing therapy. If you saw what my son wrote and my daughter in law you would understand . Smiles knows what my daughter in law wrote about me.

But I haven't done anything wrong you may think I must be I can assure I haven't. All I have ever done is give them love and help .

My son knows what a mother,mother in law and grandmother from hell is like he knew he's father's mother. He saw how she treated us all especially me and his dad. I am nothing like she was .

My crime I moved to live 40 mins away from them. I live 10 mins from my daughter.

Both my son and daughter wanted me closer to them. As I used to live 100+ miles away. My children where brought up the same. The difference is the people they feel in love with.

OnwardandUpward Thu 29-Jul-21 11:16:38

Therapy! I am currently having it for a multitude of reasons, but all the therapist keeps asking me is "What do you want to get out of this?" If I had his job I could do no work and just ask people How, why, where, what and when questions all day long (haha)

I'm not finding it very helpful, but would say what's more helpful is understanding the grieving process and learning to accept what is. I'm not completely there and probably nor are a lot of people.

OnwardandUpward Thu 29-Jul-21 11:19:36

Hang on, Whiff! You mean they aren't talking to you because they wanted you to live closer? I'm assuming that's for babysitting duties etc? So sorry that's how it is, but it's really silly of them to want more and end up with nothing! I think a lot of these kids don't look at the bigger picture and might be quite impulsive (perhaps don't know how to back down after their stupid mistakes?)

Sara1954 Thu 29-Jul-21 11:23:21

Cornishpatsy
I totally agree
There is no point going over and over it, I know how I feel, I stopped contact with my mother because I don’t want to see her or talk to her anymore.
I don’t want therapy, I’m happy with my choice.

CafeAuLait Thu 29-Jul-21 11:28:45

OnwardandUpward

Hang on, Whiff! You mean they aren't talking to you because they wanted you to live closer? I'm assuming that's for babysitting duties etc? So sorry that's how it is, but it's really silly of them to want more and end up with nothing! I think a lot of these kids don't look at the bigger picture and might be quite impulsive (perhaps don't know how to back down after their stupid mistakes?)

People can be strange like that. My MIL did the same. Wanted more and decided if she couldn't have it, then nothing was better.

Whiff Thu 29-Jul-21 14:06:41

OnwardandUpward I have never been allowed to babysit my son's 2 son's I know. I was never allowed to be alone with them.

I babysit my daughter and son in laws 2 boys regularly. As my daughter says they adore me.
My story is on the thread Smiles started. Through her help through PMs I was able to find the courage to post openly.

My son and daughter in law are good parents my grandson's are well loved and cared for. Why they have treated me the way they have my brother recons is my daughter in law is jealous. I have no idea why. My son has cut all our side of the family out of his life not just me.