when love seems to have gone....

Love alters not, when alteration finds.
We shouldn't expect to be the same person ourselves, so our DH won't be as he was (in his twenties.) A lot of men get grumpier with age ( and some women too) and quiet contentment seems a lovely thing to me.

I'm in such a relationship. Sometimes it saddens me; sometimes I think of it as an opportunity to do my own thing without judgement. I have my reasons for staying-I have a dd still at school, for example. That makes life difficult; when she flies, the situation will be much different, as I'm not married and I therefore have no entitlement to stay in the house (his house).

I could go. We've grown apart. He's been unfaithful. I'm not ready to forgive, and he hasn't asked for it.

He used to be my soulmate. . I don't mean that in a cheesy sense, but we used to do everything together; shop, travel, spend time. No more.

I no longer consider myself to be in love with H but I do love him.
The difference in my mind is between when I used to count the minutes and hours until I next saw him, when a kiss would make me see stars etc. Now we have an easy contenment (yes that word again) we laugh we enjoy each others company, we do things to help each other and I'd hate to be without him and I know the feeling is mutual. Until the next time I reach for the leg of lamb

No-one can expect to stay the same over 30, 40, 50 or even 60 years. It is just not how life is.

I think it is a question of valuing what you have: at the beginning the excitement and passion is a wonderful thing; but so is the warm companionship that lacks urgency and immediacy but is comfortable, with shared experiences acting as the glue.

I do not think that either are better or worse; they are both to be enjoyed and valued. I think that many marriages fall apart because of the expectation that the first sparkle will last decades - it usually doesn't, but that need not mean that what takes its place is not also good and to be treasured.

I agree Luckygirl,companionship, shared values, and peace of mind are another expression of love. Again the media hypes up excitement,passion, sex as the main way of loving a partner. This is patently not true judging by the comments on this thread.
I think NanaandGrampy got it just about right.

Roses, that sonnet sums it up for me - I just love it.

Very true Luckygirl - I am happier with my life and my husband than I have ever been- we know each other so well.
If you want continual excitement of 'being in love' you are never going to be happy.
I was forced into dating in mid life and having a best friend who can make you laught and wants to be with you - but gives you space is far better than 'sparkle'.

Well said Luckygirl

What do you really want? Life is too short to be unhappy, be brave x

I'd personally rather be on my own than in something that makes me unhappy. Yes, life really is too short.

It's very difficult financially for many women following divorce. There can be problems getting credit, dealing with energy companies and domestic contractors if they haven't held accounts in their own name. For a lot of women, just managing as a singleton comes as a shock once the euphoria of escape has evaporated! I know unhappy women who stay put but I understand why.
There are times my OH irritates me enormously but we enjoy many things together, still find plenty to chat about and are best friends for each other I'd say. We do have separate hobbies and I wish we had more mutual friends but oh well, you can't have everything. I love the leg of lamb joke, that'll be useful in future I'm sure.

yes, it is lovely kitty and was one of the the pieces read out at DD2 wedding,
I have always liked it.

Jalima i think contentment is a very under rated emotion, in fact i dont think the younger generations have even heard of it never mind experienced it.

Relationships are complex, clearly we can't get on with our other half all the time. There are ups and downs and sometimes you feel like ringing their neck but that's life isn't it.
If you most of the time you rub along don't suffer abuse or disloyalty or betrayal have a laugh and share the sad time together I guess that's the best we can have.
It's not like when you first met it was never going to be if you are realistic.
My husband and I don't live in each others pockets we have our own interests and share some interests I am happy.

I would agree that expecting a relationship to stay exactly the same is unrealistic. As we live our life experiences inevitably change us and hopefully we grow and even grow closer together through the sharing of them. We experience pangs of grief and sorrow as well as moments of pure joy and run the gamut of everything else in between and that is what life is.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says it all and is worth looking at as a reminder. 50 years ago this year DH and I vowed to love, honour and cherish until death us do part and we don't intend anything else. We have both changed in appearance as we have grown old together but DH gallantly says I will always be the same for him. As we age what we can physically do changes too so any expectation of maintaining the same in old age as in our twenties is is quite frankly barking mad. I think if we now attempted what we did in our prime we would be going rather swiftly, under a blue light, to A&E!

Old thread I suddenly realised but I enjoyed it anyway!

Particularly the leg of lamb!