People trying to "help"! And my reaction ....

DH was in a wheelchair because of a broken leg for a few weeks, and I was amazed at (and very grateful for) the offers of help we got. Usually we didn't need the help, but I always thanked the offerers for offering.

I always say thank you to anyone who holds a door open for me, and have the right to open doors for anyone, man or woman in return.

All you folks seem to be well supported A few years ago my wrist was just out of plaster I had let the other passengers off the train in front of me. At the door I met a lady with a case and a stick. No one had offered her assistance. We managed to get her case of together and had a laugh about it
Having had mobility issues too recently I really appreciate the offer of any help
Especially when the bus driver drops me off at my gate

I take any help that is offered whether I need it or not. The only exception is when I was offered a seat that required a big step up and then I politely explained why I could not accept. My AS said he gave up offering his seat to elderly ladies on the train as so many rejected it.

I have quite reduced mobility and I do find that the younger generation are those who are kinder and more thoughtful and it is the older generation who take delight in pushing their shopping trolleys into my legs, expect me to jump out of their way, expect me - at a mere 5 feet tall - to reach something from a higher shelf in the shops because I am younger that they are!
I could bang on all evening about this but I can assure you, when someone does something to help me I acknowledge them graciously, always say 'thank you' and I always. smile. NEVER would I berate anyone for offering help and assistance - that is just plain rude !

I think I'd just be grateful that anyone was offering to help, even if that help wasn't needed at the time. Rather that than needing a hand and none being offered.

My DH has mobility problems due to a stroke, he uses a wheelchair outside but sometimes will get out and walk and I push the chair, we are are often asked if we need help but I always reply, with a smile and a thank you and say we are fine and he is just practicing his walking. I would just do that smile, ( even if it is through gritted teeth) and say you are fine because one day the person they ask may need some help and you don't want them to be too afraid of asking.

I love it when people show me consideration and kindness. I would never think it was patronising.. We are all here to help each other.. and it's especially lovely when it is young people..

Yes younger people are often especially helpful and kind.
I came back from a garden centre on the train once with a tall metal plant support thingy. A young student thought it was some sort of old lady support and offered me her seat. I was getting off at the next stop so couldnt take up the offer but did thank her. Very kind. I dont feel old but obviously look it!

Germanshepherdsmum

petra

What a shame with all that education you weren’t taught manners.

👏👏👏

I agree!

it is your problem if you are rude.
Yes, this too.

A young man asked if I wanted him to carry my hand luggage down a long flight of stairs at Heathrow (the lifts were broken). He seized my case, I was worried in case he made off with it, but no, he walked slowly down with me to make sure I was all right.
I could have managed but was very grateful.

Just say "thank you, that's very kind but I can manage"
Manners cost nothing.

It sounds as though you have never offered to help anyone.

There are kind people about and a ‘thank you, but I’m fine’ never hurt anyone.

I live in a University town and use crutches. The students are amazing; I assume they're thinking of their grans when they offer to help. I only accept if I really need it but always tell them I'm grateful for the offer.

One night I got on a bus completely packed with students, hardly any standing room. Before I knew it my crutches were passed down the bus and I somehow found myself in a seat with my crutches back in my hands - I still haven't worked out how they did it. It was so caring and lovely and the way they worked as a team was incredible. The most inconsiderate people are those of my age who often barge past and cause me to wobble. But it takes all sorts to make a world, doesn't it...?

I think you need to work on your "If-you-even-think-about-offering-me-help-I'll-bite-your-head-off" look, Hennahead. You obviously aren't trying hard enough.

Thanks for all your lovely replies. I worded this very badly. Yes, I do help others, have never used anyone and am a good and suppotive friend, partner and mother to my son, who I supported out of drug problems. I have made mysel look like a horrible person and I am not.

I am sure you are not don’t worry henna

Phew!

I do know what you mean, I have always been deaf & I'm pretty intelligent so this has always happened to me. (I look puzzled when people speak as I'm trying to lipread) My attitude has always been that I'd rather people made a pantomime of speaking slowly and patronizingly, than gabbled at me & then expected me to know what to do / how to respond. But it did used to cheer me when my children , at the age of about 8, would say to people who were really overdoing it, "My mum's deaf, she's not dim!" Both of them did this just once or twice, I never encouraged it but I loved them for it.By the way, it's easier to lipread if people stick to the normal speech patterns, a little slower does help but if you speak each word "seperately" it makes it harder.

Hennahead

Thanks for all your lovely replies. I worded this very badly. Yes, I do help others, have never used anyone and am a good and suppotive friend, partner and mother to my son, who I supported out of drug problems. I have made mysel look like a horrible person and I am not.

Fair enough.

Hennahead
There wasn’t really any other way of interpreting your OP. When someone posts im sick of people asking if I can manage and, godsake I thought, I’m not that decrepid

Hennahead thank you for your understanding reply.
You've obviously overcome a lot with your illness and worked hard at being the best you can, so maybe you see a patronising attitude where there's none intended?

Two friends and I, all mid to late 60s, fit and well, went to London recently.
Remembrance weekend so very crowded everywhere.
For the first time ever people were jumping up all over the place to offer us their seats on the underground, which we politely refused as we neither needed nor particularly wanted them.
Eventually I thought what the heck and just accepted gracefully, and I could see in their faces that it made them feel good, so it wasn't a bad thing to accept the help 😊

We love some help , assistance or consideration of any sort! Personally I have no disabilities but husband has a walking problem which is obvious. We’re in our early 70’s. We are very happy when younger people make way for us, or offer help, whether it’s moving out of the way or offering a seat or letting us go first in a queue.
Older people should be respected and helped……. We’ve done our stint! We’re making the most of it!
Smile, be happy and accept help I’d say.

I wonder how long it will be before GN is full of threads bemoaning the lack of kindness and empathy and wondering why no-one offers to help when someone clearly needs help.

I understand your train of thought about being independent, I work in a male dominated industry and often the guys would run over to help when I was quite capable myself , in the end I sat them down and said if I wasn't able to do the job I would find another career , I said thankyou for their offers and if I needed a hand I'd ask .
But never would I get annoyed with anyone for offering help , that is kindness and needs to be repaid with kindness

Hennehead, I do understand your frustration. I would never, ever be rude to someone trying to help but it can take you aback sometimes. There you are coping perfectly well and behaving, you think, just as you did when you were 30 when suddenly you're categorised as the proverbial "little old lady". Inwardly you want to scream and say what an intelligent, capable woman you are and we are!

I find my son sometimes olds plains me (like mansplaining only adjusted for age). I work full time in a demanding job where I meet people from all over the world and I use technology on a daily basis. I speak 4 languages and arrange meetings for high profile delegates.

Yet, when those rainbows started to appear in people's windows during Covid thanking the NHS my son asked me (inexplicably) if I knew what they meant. That's just one example, there are others.

‘So if I snap back I come across as a total butch’
You certainly do and if I was at the other end of your ungrateful attitude I’d probably tell you so.

Kindness costs nothing, one day you may be grateful for a strangers support.

Hennahead I know exactly what you mean and how you feel, without having your problem. However, I am dyspraxic. I have poor fine motor control and not good balance. I can ride a bike, but it is hard work keeping my balance, and when walking every so often I trip over and fall, maybe once or twice a year.

Now years of practic mean that I know how to fall and am up and on my feet and continuing on my way in less than a minute, but people rush up to me and fuss around me and one of the reasons I get up so fast is in order to be on my feet and walkig away from people before they reach me, so that they can see i am OK.

I think in dealing with this, it is a question of finding a balance that enables you to keep command of the situation, while not being rude to people. I will usually say firmly and in a clear strong voice, 'Thank you, I do not any help. I am used to this happening'.

The other thing to remember is that the experience is only humiliating if you let it be humiliating I have experience of people trying to humiliate me, but I have always refused to co-operate by acting or thinking of myself as being humiliated. You need to do the same. and being hurt and angry is something else you have control over as well.

Take a deep breath when these occaasions arise, take control of the situation, thank people graciously and then either accept the help or say, 'thank you, I am best left to sort myself out.

Control of the situation and how you respond is entorely in your hands. Do a bit of role play in your mind at home.

Many of the things you mention, probably have more to do with your age than your disability. Sorry about that,but being patronised and it being assumed that one is incapable of dealing with modern technology is one of the burdens age places upon us.