People trying to "help"! And my reaction ....

There can be few more ageist remarks than ‘like an old has been’. Who is meant by such an expression?

I take any help I'm offered.
It's my problem if I can't come to terms with my health/mobility issues, not other peoples.

Before I had to use a wheelchair to get about I used a walking stick which gave me confidence and enabled me to have a normal life. I was often asked if I needed any help, especially when out and about and I never turned down any offer of help especially when shopping was carried to the car for me. So many strangers helped me and I will always be grateful and even now people will hold a door open for my carer to push me through.
Without the sometimes unwanted help of these kind people my life would have been very limited.
A smile and a thank you cost nothing but means a lot both to the giver and the one who receives.

I speak as someone who is daily asked if I need help with X Y and Z. My reply is always a smile, a "thank you very much" and sometimes a jokey comment for us to laugh at. I show my appreciation every single time. If I didnt show my appreciation for someone helping me with X Y and Z, whether I asked or I didnt ( 99.9% of time I do not ask... it is offered ) then it would not sit well with me whatsoever.

People shouldn't be looked upon is a negative way because they are reaching out to help you.

I am always very grateful for an offer of assistance. Of course there are times I'm OK, however a friendly smile and arm outheld makes me day.

These people are showing kindness. I'd hate to spoil their day.

The last few times I travelled to London for work young people offered me a seat. I was taken aback but accepted. As I glanced at my fellow travellers it occurred to me that I was the oldest person in the carriage. I was still in my 50s but thought I must look we old as the hills to them. It's all relative.

I accept all help offered these days. People are being kind rather than patronising in my opinion.

I think in todays society we are so used to some people being rude that we don’t see or like any offer of help. I gladly accept it with a big smile and a thank you.

I know how Hennahead feels. I do need help with actions beyond my physical ability and I do look frail , therefore am grateful for offers of help.

However I resent being informed as to how , as an old woman, I feel. In other words I resent being stereotyped. If someone wants or needs to how how I feel let them ask me. Same goes for my ideas and beliefs---I resent being stereotyped .

Stereotyping is often well meant but stereotyping the person you are with stifles any possibility of meaningful conversation with them.

A group of us mature ladies were on a tube train in London when a young man offered his perch seat to a 75 year old. She accepted it with good grace. I turned to him and said, “ you’ve just shattered her illusion, she thinks she only looks 50”, he replied “ I offered it because she’s good looking not because she’s old!” Friend walked on air for a week after that.

Am not yet old enough to be offered help, and have no disabilities, but if I were I would thank anyone for an offer of help, it comes from the heart after all.My Mum sometimes tells me when anyone has been kind and helped her carry something or opens a door or offers a seat on the bus, and long may it continue.

You sound patronising to people merely being helpful. They aren't mind readers nor are they educated to know all about every health problem. Your anger is out of proportion and unreasonable in my opinion.

'Decrepit' would not be the word in their head as they offer to help another human being. It's called being humane and thoughtful.

Your manners need reviewing.

I know a very grumpy person like this, pushing back at kindness, then demeaning whoever has offered. She has very few friends if any. I sympathise but it's a personality problem which needs therapy.

Hennahead I don’t believe you are a “horrible person” but have grappled with a debilitating illness and have worked hard to regain fitness.

You naturally want to appear as you did prior to the illness, not impaired by it. Our self image is very important for confidence. If we think we are looking older or vulnerable we naturally dislike it and find the psychological adjustment hard. It’s normal I think.

I think people are mainly trying to be kind who offer help, although sometimes insensitive, but they can’t know how makes you feel, so I would cut them some slack. Many of us will feel vulnerable at times, especially as we age.

I tripped and fell in the street and a very kind man rushed across the road to ask if I was ok and embarrassment and my language made me sound less grateful than I was. He was kind and commented on just how uneven these pavements are and said not to worry as no-one else had seen me fall but I so regret not sounding far more grateful for his help than I probably did.

A few days ago a woman caught my arm and asked if I was all right. I said no I’m trying to see that car across the road in case it’s my Uber.
I had been standing at the kerb clutching my mobile trying to read the number plate of said car.
We had a laugh as she could see then what I was doing.
She said people don’t offer to help anyone these days and you looked lost.
Did I feel angry? Not at all I was grateful for the care and glad I didn’t need it.
I am about to start using a rollator it will be interesting to see how much help I’m offered . Won’t be turning any of it away.

It is hard not to get grumpy sometimes, when everything is so blooming hard with mobility problems.

I'm sure I don't always respond with a cheery smile..
Must try and be more pleasant.

If someone offers help I am grateful for the connection - too often we are invisible! We should be encouraging kindness. I think a young person gains a lot from having their good intentions appreciated. Also I find that smiling helps - I think older people can look rather cross when their face is in repose.

What Petra said at 16.34 yesterday.
Very ungrateful.

I’d just be grateful. It wouldn’t even occur to me that they were being patronising. I would also offer help myself if I thought someone needed it. I think we are different in that respect, Aussies usually help each other. Still a frontier country in some ways I suppose.

This thread is in the 'Everyday ageism' forum and we do it no favours when we talk about how much we resent, or feel patronised or humiliated by, being treated as 'an old woman'.

What's so wrong with being an old woman? Better than not being alive at all. The people offering help will be old due course.

Maybe we're reading too much into this. Maybe it's being self-centred to imagine that the 'helpers' have any point of view about the person they've helped. They don't think 'poor old woman', they see a person who's fallen over. They're soon on their way again thinking about whatever it was they were thinking about before they stopped to help.

What’s so wrong with being an old woman Indeed winterwhite. I rejoice in being an old woman, sadly have had a few friends who didn’t make it this far.
Why not fly the flag for old people, instead of the preoccupation with looking “young” or “old” for age (a frequent remark on posts).
As you say, youngsters, if they are lucky will be old one day.

One annoying job I struggle with is checking the tyre pressures and inflating them at the petrol station but I mostly manage it. When a very helpful man half my age offered to do it for me I gladly stood aside and made way for him and we chatted while he did the job in a fraction of the time I usually spend fumbling.

I remarked to my daughter later that I must be looking old as well as feeling it and told her about the helpful man who offered his assistance . She made me feel better by saying maybe he was chatting you up 😆

petra

What a shame with all that education you weren’t taught manners.

I agree

I do not think it is a question of being old or not. It is the automatic assumption that if you ar old you are frail and unable to manage and must need help, that can be so irritating.

I have always believed that a big smile and a 'thank you' can get you a long way in life and age hasn't changed that.

But I was always conscious when I was younger, that willing, though I always was to help people if needed, a day would come when the positions would be reversed and I needed to make sure I could accept help graciously.

I have sometimes been offered a seat on the tube by a younger person, usually a male person. I always accept with very good grace as I think it’s kind of them to offer. I’m 70 but often told I look younger so it’s not a surprise if not offered, but very gratefully received if offered.