We seemed to have established (unbeknowingly) a family tradition. DH has 3 grownup children, all with partners, one of these children has 3 children, 2 of which now have partners, and then there is the daughter-in-laws mother who has dementia, and there is also is the d-i-laws cousin who is also tagged along. Apart from that, of the other 2 adult children in DHs family, one has a wife and young child, the other has a partner. Then there is DH’s sister and other half. I think we’re about up to 17 now.
My husband loves this, I understand it’s great to have family around, but it’s a lot of work for him because he loves doing the cooking, and now he has begun to feel that he is sweating away in the kitchen when he would love to be relaxing and chatting with family. And there’s also the expense. Last year we thought we’d do it differently and booked a dining room at the local Garden Centre. We did ask everyone to contribute ahead which they did except for the large family with the extra friends and relatives. They pleaded poverty and said they couldn’t afford to contribute (although I think, to be fair, the cousin paid for herself). So guess what, DH (and me) paid for them. We don’t have a big house; we used to seat everyone round a table, then it grew to 2 tables with no room to move around. Now it’s even bigger numbers.
Last year at the Garden Centre went quite well, less hassle, food ok, but I suppose it didn’t really work because one lot opted out. This year I think it’ll be the same old, same old, and I can’t see DH doing anything about sorting this out and maybe more people will be added to the group.
My family aren’t any part of this, and to be fair I don’t think they’d want to be. I have 2 adult children with partners, and I plan to see them sometime over Christmas!
For this year, as DH seems up for it, they’ll all be congregating here again. Has anyone any ideas? I thought we could have a buffet, maybe everyone could contribute something to the feast, however when it comes vegetables etc, I know DH will want to organise that. We will buy the turkey, and no doubt the trimmings etc. So that leaves puddings and cakes. DH will definitely want to buy the wine! Any suggestions gratefully received.
Anyone who pleads poverty, need not join in... nobody forces them to. If they had to be alone, they would find the money to buy something, I think...
Tell them it's too much for you now and ask if somebody else can host.
I have nine and now at 70 years old feel I can't cope anymore. Good luck and have a peaceful time for a change xx
One of my most favourite things is to share a meal with friends and so we have people around once or twice a month, usually cooking for 6. But that also entails making sure the house is clean and tidy and changing the cushions and throws on the sofa where one of my dogs like to sleep. It all takes time. Usually we do lunch because most of us don't like going out at night - an age thing - if we have to drive for 1/2 hour. It also means we can clear up and then crash in front of the tv in the evening. Plus not going to bed on a full stomach!
We're those who always host everyone here, but it works well, for us. Everyone brings drinks, puddings, biscuits, cakes, savoury treats, breads, salads. We only do meat, gravy, mains, veg, potatoes, bread pudding - and serve on tables in the kitchen, dining room, hall, and playroom. Maybe split it up?
If this isn't making you happy, tell your husband and let him sort.
bread pudding
Is that bread pudding or bread, pudding?
If bread pudding then DH is in his way over 😁
We usually host family gatherings on the grounds that everyone else works full time.
However this year DD is going to host. I asked if I could bring anything, she laughed and said 'It's fine, I'm buying everything pre-prepped so just a case of heating up'. Very pragmatic, my daughter!
I was exhausted just reading about this Christmas invasion!!
The fact that you suggested MAYBE we could ask people to bring a dish to pass…? sounds/means in the past you did everything and you/DH paid for it all.
Nothing like (your own) family and others taking advantage of you, year after year. And those people pleading poverty? No one, including the rich people will ever pass up a free meal. Ever. Even the poor can bring something. Yes, they can.
Husband will have to listen to you and do more than just make lists. Have him help you clean, shop, food prep, cook, decorations out, set table, etc. And finally, family will have to help with clean up. “You clear the table.” “You wash, you dry.” “You take out the garbage.”
THEN you sit back and have dessert, coffee/tea and aperitif.
You’ve earned it from years of slaving in the kitchen. People will appreciate being a part of the action and not just as takers.
If people object… “see you next year!”
This is a the plan.
USA Gundy
You could tell them you have an infestation of bed bugs and watch them run screaming for the hills? 
Callistemon21
^bread pudding^
Is that bread pudding or bread, pudding?
If bread pudding then DH is in his way over 😁
Or maybe Bread Sauce?
We have a large extended family too. Last year, for the first time ever, my eldest hosted it all and it was wonderful for us. She has agreed to do it this year,too and we will have an ‘open house’ on Boxing Day with just BBQs and salads ( it’s warm here at Christmas ). Not so many come to that so it is comfortable. If they all turned up there would be 25 of us but it doesn’t often happen.
I would have a look around and quietly book a simple trip for you and your husband away. I have done YHA, which was about the cheapest trip. So I have gone away, thus not having to do loads of organising, shopping, stress etc. Then you can say quite simply that you are no longer able to host a big meeting and that you have organised something that will suit you and your husband. Then suggest that you might have a family get together in the summer, when it would be easier to get together in better weather, and be cheaper too. That does not mean that you organise it or arrange anything for the others. I have family members all over the country. We now tend to go to the Swaledale Festival. It is brilliant. The festival is last week in May and first week in June. So we arrange for everyone to be there for a core 3 or 4 days, then we are able to book for whatever we want to go to, a guided walk, a concert etc . We have a family picnic and a meet up in a pub or something etc. Then each family member can stay in whatever suits them. So when my parents were alive, they stayed b@b, my sister and family camped, etc etc. Then having got that core time together , the following couple of days my brother will go to the coast etc. This way, we see each other over the 3/4 days, mix and match, cousins get a chance to meet up etc, but you are not all forced to have such a close time together. A few years ago my sister decided that she did not want to go to either of two groups she had become involved in, etc and she told each of the groups that she was spending the time with the other group that year. In actual fact she had a great time doing her own thing. Got plenty of food that she enjoyed in, did no christmas stuff at all and enjoyed sprawling around, watching what she wanted to on the box, eating when she wanted to and not having to clock watch. She had a great time, relaxing, peaceful, and the result was she returned refreshed to work, not having put any weight on, not owing large debts etc. The important thing you need to do is to talk to your husband and decide wat will suit you both. If he insists on doing all the cooking etc again, I would say ok, that is your choice, but my choice is to go to the lakes or the dales or whatever and dont be persuaded or blackmailed into following his wishes.i would say , hope you have a good time and enjoy it and I will see you when I get back etc. Keep calm and dont let it become an argument, but remain firm about the fact that you will not be part of the large gathering etc. If he causes a problem about it you could say that you could take turn and turn about but this year you two will go somewhere quiet and not have the hassle. If he is not prepared to meet you half way then I would go back to plan A and go ahead with booking somewhere for yourself and wish him luck with his choice.
We make squash bread pudding as a Christmas side, does your husband love that as well? Easy, serves well, and always asked after.
Norah
We make squash bread pudding as a Christmas side, does your husband love that as well? Easy, serves well, and always asked after.
In answer to Callistemon21
Norah
We make squash bread pudding as a Christmas side, does your husband love that as well? Easy, serves well, and always asked after.
No, I've never heard of that!
Bread pudding is sweet with dried fruit, baked in a tin then cut into squares.
Callistemon21
Norah
We make squash bread pudding as a Christmas side, does your husband love that as well? Easy, serves well, and always asked after.
No, I've never heard of that!
Bread pudding is sweet with dried fruit, baked in a tin then cut into squares.
Mum's sort baked in a tin. No dried fruit. Just winter squash cubes, heavy bread leftover scraps, eggs, cream, cheddar, bacon, garlic, onions, herbs. Scoop it out, dollop of gravy if desired.
Make when people are round, we don't eat eggs, cream, cheese, or bacon.
Some of us are doers and some of are takers .
I'm in the doer category :
Whether the occasion is at my house or at relatives - there I am preparing the venue , shopping , cooking, serving and clearing up afterwards .
I have felt increasingly exhausted and frankly rather disgusted at the way able bodied people sit around as if they are used to having servants .
Eating out seems to attract freeloaders .
As your husband is keen to entertain - by all means throw a party , but ask each person invited to bring something and certainly a bottle of wine .
And hold them to it .
Can you make one of your delicious cheesecakes ?
If they don't live too far then they can do the potatoes and vegetables !
And afterwards, delegate chores -you clear , you load the dishwasher...
If you go out to eat - don't pay for them . They shouldn't accept an invitation if they can't pay .
If they don't like it - then stop doing it and give yourself a break .
Norah
Callistemon21
Norah
We make squash bread pudding as a Christmas side, does your husband love that as well? Easy, serves well, and always asked after.
No, I've never heard of that!
Bread pudding is sweet with dried fruit, baked in a tin then cut into squares.Mum's sort baked in a tin. No dried fruit. Just winter squash cubes, heavy bread leftover scraps, eggs, cream, cheddar, bacon, garlic, onions, herbs. Scoop it out, dollop of gravy if desired.
Make when people are round, we don't eat eggs, cream, cheese, or bacon.
It sounds good, but it's a savoury dish. I might try it some time 🙂
Bread pudding is a type of cake, not to nbe confused with bread and butter pudding which has an egg custard base with just one layer of buttered bread then baked.
Some of us are doers and some of are takers .
I'm in the doer category
Some of us can't be doers any more and I think that Semiruralgirl needs to make that clear to her DH and family and asked them to contribute dishes.
That's what I do - take a savoury side and a pudding because i know how much it is for one person.
Esmay - you and I are on exactly the same page! People feel better if they are involved to make it a happy occasion for everyone.
There have been many good suggestions on this thread.
Yet the op has not replied.
fancythat
There have been many good suggestions on this thread.
Yet the op has not replied.
The OP has been having problems with Chridtmas plans for some time and still not put her foot down.
Time to say No Can Do I think.
www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/a1267555-Christmas-plans
Callistemon21
Norah
Callistemon21
Norah
We make squash bread pudding as a Christmas side, does your husband love that as well? Easy, serves well, and always asked after.
No, I've never heard of that!
Bread pudding is sweet with dried fruit, baked in a tin then cut into squares.Mum's sort baked in a tin. No dried fruit. Just winter squash cubes, heavy bread leftover scraps, eggs, cream, cheddar, bacon, garlic, onions, herbs. Scoop it out, dollop of gravy if desired.
Make when people are round, we don't eat eggs, cream, cheese, or bacon.It sounds good, but it's a savoury dish. I might try it some time 🙂
Bread pudding is a type of cake, not to nbe confused with bread and butter pudding which has an egg custard base with just one layer of buttered bread then baked.
I know it's savoury. Not a sweet dish - main meal side.
It's not cake, just tin baked bread pudding, no fruit.
Perhaps I was not clear -- "We only do meat, gravy, mains, veg, potatoes, bread pudding" -- we do savoury substantial dishes for the meal, easy items.
Others bring the rest "Everyone brings drinks, puddings, biscuits, cakes, savoury treats, breads, salads."
Merely an easy way we accomplish meals, I thought perhaps ease was what OP was attempting?
Callistemon21
fancythat
There have been many good suggestions on this thread.
Yet the op has not replied.The OP has been having problems with Chridtmas plans for some time and still not put her foot down.
Time to say No Can Do I think.
www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/a1267555-Christmas-plans
Oh. Ah. Hmm.
Well, at least there are lots of ideas on this thread to help anyone else who might be wondering how to change what they’ve always done because they are getting weary of doing it, so it’s not a complete waste of other posters time.
The OP is one of a group of people who seem to want solutions to problems that do not require them to do anything to resolve it.
They occur quite frequently on GN and seem to expect us to be able to provide that no intervention solution. This OP knows what the solution is. If the OP and DH are finding runnng the family Christmas do all too much, however much DH enjoys it, they must stop doing and hand over to someone else, who may do things differently. There is no alternative - and they know it, but because, understandably they will be sad to see it change they are looking for a solution that changes things while leaving things as they are and that just isn't possible.
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