Lame Limericks (but they are funny anyway)

He'll then run away screaming "Help!"
No consideration for how I felt
Bereft and alone
But back on the phone
Call the lonely hearts help line, it.'ll melt.

Alone with my fantasies I'll dream

Alone with my fantasies I'll dream
.... Someone who is nice and not mean

Alone with my fantasies I'll dream
.... Someone who is nice and not mean
They must have a brain

He'll then run away screaming "Help!"
No consideration for how I felt
Bereft and alone
But back on the phone
I’m told that he’s now in Dieppe

I’ll work in the garden all day

I’ll work in the garden all day
Maybe I'll spot a bird of prey

I’ll work in the garden all day
Maybe I'll spot a bird of prey
A buzzard or two?

I’ll work in the garden all day
Maybe I'll spot a bird of prey
A buzzard or two?
A green cockatoo?

I’ll work in the garden all day
Maybe I'll spot a bird of prey
A buzzard or two?
A green cockatoo?
Keep the slugs and the snails at bay.

The sky it has turned rather dark

The sky it has turned rather dark
The dogs have now started to bark

The sky it has turned rather dark
The dogs have now started to bark
A storm is now brewing

The sky it has turned rather dark
The dogs have now started to bark
A storm is now brewing
And I’m just stewing

The sky it has turned rather dark
The dogs have now started to bark
A storm is now brewing
And I’m just stewing
Some tasty part of a shark

I was dressed up all glitzy and glam

I was dressed up all glitzy and glam
Mutton, presented as lamb

I was dressed up all glitzy and glam
Mutton, presented as lamb
My tiger print basque

I was dressed up all glitzy and glam
Mutton, presented as lamb
My tiger print basque
Just don't even ask

I was dressed up all glitzy and glam
Mutton, presented as lamb
My tiger print basque
Just don't even ask
And my makeup, spread thickly, like jam

I've decided to try online dating

I've decided to try online dating
Just hope Mr Right will be waiting

I've decided to try online dating
Just hope Mr Right will be waiting
The photo spot on,

I've decided to try online dating
Just hope Mr Right will be waiting
Photo spot on
( Wrinkles magically gone)

I've decided to try online dating
Just hope Mr Right will be waiting
Photo spot on
Wrinkles now all gone. - sorry, changed to fit rhythm.
So why am I hesitating?

I just don't think I'll be lucky

I just don't think I'll be lucky
So that stops me being plucky

I just don't think I'll be lucky
So that stops me being plucky
At my advanced age

I just don't think I'll be lucky
So that stops me being plucky
At my advanced age
All I wear is ‘beige’

I just don't think I'll be lucky
So that stops me being plucky
At my advanced age
All I wear is ‘beige’
Anything bright - I feel yucky.

Way past midnight and I can’t sleep