divorce

I made a huge effort today and contacted my DiL.Just a general chatty email about what we're doing and about my DGS. Got an immediate reply. Very comforting to know she wants to keep us in her life. The separation is being done amicably she says and there is huge focus on making sure it affects DGS as little as possible. Fingers crossed. Thanks all of you for being there. I felt pretty rock bottom last week
Kate 13
PS I dipped into a different forum yesterday.Goodness it was bitchy. Thank you for being so kind and supportive.

That sounds really positive Kate, I think if we assume that people have a better nature and play to that, then that is how they respond.
Well done to you for making the effort.

Really good to read that Kate13 it must have taken a huge amount of courage

I hope the soon-to-be-ex DiL realises what a treasure her MiL is.

I have to say I was terrified of pressing the " send" button. I'm really exhausted but your advice to try to keep on good terms with my DiL made me do it. I was also terrified of the response or, worse still, no response. Hope this is the start of "best of a bad job".
I have to now try and get my husband on side. He's not doing too well on the communication bit with either our DS or DiL or me for that matter. Any ideas?

Kate13, you are the key. Just keep on doing what you are and your husband wiil eventually follow suit. So long as one of you is keeping the channels open all will be well.

Thanks for your positive response. I'll follow your advice and plough on . [Smile]

Guess that smiley didn't work! I'll try again ..ah well. ....

Kate13 My heart goes out to you.
It felt like the worst day of my life when in 2002 after 5 yrs living together and 4 yrs married DIL announced she wanted divorce and left taking their 2yr old son.-now has another partner and 3 more children.
I’ve told my story on ‘Denied Contact’ and ‘Cut out of their Lives’ and don’t want to repeat it all.There are many GNs who have known this heartbreak.
I can only say tread carefully ,bite your lip and take care of your son -and yourself.
Send me a pm (private mail) if you want more info.
Love and hugs

Hi Mani
Please don't feel you have to reply.. I understand. Some things are much too sensitive to write about.
My DS and DiL seem to have got things on an amicable level - as friends rather than there being any romance left . Personally I can't get my head round it and it seems a bit odd but then we are a different generation. Thanks for helping me with your comments in the forum
Best wishes
Kate.

Kate; when my son and his girfriend split up a few years ago after being together for several years [no children involved thankfully] I can't believe how much hatred I felt for his girlfriend or how much pain I felt for him [even though I knew that the separation was probably inevitable at some point and she wasn't entirely to blame]. I went numb when I first heard and that numbness stayed with me until I reached a point where I was still hurting and he had started to move on [which wouldn't have happened had there been a child]. I think you've done amazingly well. Waiting for the 'clunk' of a received email is the modern day equivalent of waiting for the phone to ring [or not ring]. We hurt for ourselves and we hurt for our children and then, when there are grandchildren involved we hurt for them as well. So glad you found some support on here .

Tegan
When my DS told us that DiL wanted to leave him I couldn't feel anything but anger and hatred towards her. I got rid of anything in my house which reminded me of her, especially the wedding photo. Then I plucked up the courage to talk to you all on gransnet.com and slowly your advice filtered through. I was terrified of contacting her. You speak of your hurt. Until I came across this website I thought I was the only one who'd ever had these feelings.Such a support to have people who understand (husbands do not). The reality that the pain will probably be here for a long time has in a strange
way, helped.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me.It really has helped.
Kate 13

Has anyone gone through this? DS and DiL separating but still in same house, living together" as normal". Going to parents/in-laws at the weekend behaving as if nothing is amiss? Together as a family of 3 on outings at the weekend? Can't get my head round it. My DS is very hurt. Is DiL just using my DS until she can afford to move out? Is he being made a fool of? What advice can I give him?
Kate 13

He really does need Legal Advice urgently Kate to find out what HIS rights are. It has to be very unpleasant for him but perhaps she is hoping he will leave her the home if he is made uncomfortable enough.

I echo that advice, Kate13. At the very least, he should seek advice from the CAB. They will be able to tell him his rights and perhaps be able to direct him to a solicitor who specialises in family law.

LizG and annodomini
I think they are trying to avoid going down the solicitor path as divorce can get very nasty once they are involved. I have told him that on no account must he leave the marital home, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, as that would be the worst thing if he is to get full custody of our DGS. She is the one who wants the break up although DS admitted today that it was definitely over, even if she changed her mind as he wouldn't be able to trust her any more. Too many lies. I'm really worried that she's going to take him to the cleaner's and that he's being foolish not to realise that. Have to be careful because in spite of everything, she is the mother of our DGS.
Kate

Kate - you don't know what is really going on, and probably will never have a full picture. I understand your worries for your son, and fears for your grandson.
Legal advice is a good idea, as is avoiding unnecessary conflict that drags things out and makes everything so much worse. Most Family Solicitors have trained mediators to help parents reach as much agreement as possible.As with most things these days, there is likely to be financial cost. Relate as others have said, is a great organisation and they don't charge. They have trained mediators/counsellors. They also often have a waiting list

I'm echoing what others have said, about trying to keep your anger in check, and avoid conflict with your daughter in law. You have shared a loving relationship, and she seems to want that to continue. That is a great starting point, and one I'd hope will continue. The point of separation is a dreadful one for everyone involved. Feelings run so high, and fear and anger can dominate so easily.

I don't want to preach, but all the research shows that children of separated parents do best if the parents focus remains the wellbeing of their children. I know it's obvious, but this can get lost at times when people become overwhelmed by their own needs. I believe it will help your grandson's parents if you can stay calm (and carry on....) Good luck with that

Hello everyone. Still not sleeping but have to report a much more matter-of-fact DS and a very happy DGS. Had DGS overnight on Wednesday and DS collected him and stayed for dinner last night. He's much more relaxed and therefore DGS is too [ smile]. Conversation was fun though no mention of DiL and the future. Your advice about keeping calm is working and I am sharing some positive texts with DiL (whose father and close friend of ours has, to top it all, just been diagnosed with prostate cancer). Talk about three buses coming along at once. .... Wish I could get a good night's sleep though.... any ideas?

Sorry, I'm not doing too well at sleeping through the night at the moment either. It sounds as if you've made real progress with your situation though.

Most importantly - stay on good terms with your DiL if you can. The only side you can afford to take is your DGS. He needs his grandma so bite your tongue and hang on in there.

Now, you may well have to build up your own relationship with your little DGS independently of your son. It can be quite hard work at times, but he's worth the effort. Send post cards, phone regularly and especially at holidays and high days. Make sure he knows who you are and how much you love him.

Good luck!

Although a slightly different take on it, I thought I would tell you about my experience as the DiL being left with 3 small children.
We were all fairly close (family I mean) and I was very aware that my DSs were also cherished GSs to my departing husbands parents.
I tried to keep communication open without mentioning what was going on at home, although it turned out he'd already told his parents what he was planning to do.
I arranged for them to see the boys on a Sunday morning, dropping them at the top of the road and watching them in the door, then returning 2 hours later to collect them from the same spot.
After a few weeks, my eldest boy came out alone and said 'Granny said do you want a cup of tea?'
We haven't looked back, and, 23 years on, still have a fantastic relationship, as do my DSs and now the DGC (greatGC to them of course).

Do keep those lines of communication open Kate13. It sounds like your DiL is not looking to cause a rift between you and your GS (or DS), and I hope it works out for all of you.

So long as they all know you love them, and you can manage to not apportion blame anywhere (hard I know), hopefully you can have a long, happy, loving relationship with all 3 of them for many years to come.

It's all coming down to being non judgemental, keeping the lines of communication open and loving all parties isn't it? (Which I do of course including DIL).It's just so difficult to carry on as normal when it wasn't DS' s decision to separate. (I think I would have reacted better if it had been). It was also a big help getting the DiL's point of view too gratefulgran54. I shall take the advice you've all offered .This is so much better than trying to go it alone.

My DD's marriage has ended and it was her decision. Her husband would not accept it at first but once he did he became very bitter, has broken off all contact and has refused to see their son (my 8 year old grandson) and has moved away and won't say where he is.

I find it hard that he is not contacting my GS but even more than that, his parents, who live just up the road, and who my GS is very fond of and saw regularly, are also not making any effort to contact my DD or us to arrange to see him.

Please Kate13 make sure you don't let this happen in your case.

Thank you petallus. I will make sure we do everything to ensure our DGS does not suffer unduly.My DS will not shun him . If anything he will go for joint custody. They do seem to be aware of damage limitation and are still "amicable" most of the time. At least when others are around. When I text my DiL she always replies with a kiss at the end so I guess I'm doing the right thing so far?
I do wish I could sleep though ......

Kate - thanks for the updates, it's good to hear that the family seem to be focussed on your grandson despite the emotional pain everyone is experiencing. I know how easy it is for our own feelings to get in the way of thoughts before actions or words.