divorce

Thoughts before actions...yes, guilty of actng first. Must start thinking. DS not happy that I am in touch with DiL's mum in case I inadvertently say something indiscreet.Fair point but we only text about DGS and her husband's illness . Keep lines of communication open or not?

Kate don't forget you are human and there is no perfect answer in all this. Look after yourself (((hugs)))

Anyone out there right now? Thought I was doing so well but have just gone really weepy at the thought of my DS living on his own after years with my DiL. This sounds really pathetic. I wish I could just go to sleep.

Kate I know how you feel, hopefully things will improve

If my experience is anything to go by Kate he will be much happier and probably not totally alone for long although far more careful about his choices. My daughter met her ex when they were both too young. Although they were in their early twenties when they married they had little or no opportunity to 'see the world' first. It was an accident waiting to happen.

Sorry I wasn't around when you needed someone but hope you feel a little better now. Sometimes we need 'the weepies' to help us cope

Has he got pals that will support him, Kate? My son's friends were unbelieveably supportive of him when he was on his own for a while, even though he'd been out of touch with many of them when he was in a relationship. I do understand what you mean about the way things get to you in the middle of the night. Maintain the friendship with the DIL's mother, but be very very careful what you say to her at all times.

My DiL was 19 when they met and they married five years later.My DS was 29. I can associate with the "accident waiting to happen" Bold *Liz". My DS has lived (and is still living) thanks to his job which , like this week, sees him in the USA. Yes he has friends and work colleagues so doesn't need to look far but he will need a hug now and again . Yes and perhaps he'll be happier.... Thank you. I'll dry my tears and go to soop's kitchen.

Sorry Liz...can't get the hang of bold type.I keep following the instructions but my brain cell's elsewhere

Kate13 it seems to me that, in spite of an occasional bout of the 'weepies' you're doing remarkably well. We think our children are going to grow up and then from our perspective life will be easier, but when our children are in pain it seems we still hurt for them, no matter how old they are. My only advice is to be kind to all involved, including yourself - and keep coming back here for a bit of TLC.

Very good advice, grannyact

kATE 13 my SIL walked out on my daughter when the children were 2 and 8mths, I tried not to take sides but encouraged my daughter to make sure the children had regular contact with SIL and his parents.At family events 18th and 21st birthday's we all manage to be civil The children have grown into remarkable young adults. I like you could not see a happy future and spent many sleepless nights. He was a terrible husband but a good father.

Bold type doesn't matter kate but very nice to hear from you. soops kitchen extension is a good place to go. That was very comforting nannypc and excellent advice ga

Kate* - thinking of you..I've just come out the other end from my son's horrible divorce. His ex was so evil - all she wanted was for him to go quietly, taking nothing with him. He/we had to fight for every last sous. Now she's trying to alienate the children and it was he who brought them up whilst she pursued her career.

But at least he's out of there now,just about to move into his own little house and he has a date this very night - first time he's gone out with another woman and its been set up by friends who love and know him very well. Fingers crossed - I just want him to have some happiness.

There's nothing I can say that will make it easy for you - just hang in there for him and advise him wisely. My son said, I always knew that when I felt utterly alone, you were gunning for me Mum.

Thank you specki4eyes. It's comforting to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Something I can't get my head round is that my DiL is behaving as if all's hunky dory. We met by accident on Wednesday and she gave me a hug and chatted as if nothing had happened.

Maybe it's just a relief all round for them Kate13, and they are feeling happier and more relaxed with everyone as a result?
How nice that she is still so friendly towards you (although probably a little un-nerving?).
It sounds like they have parted on friendly terms, whoever instigated it, and for that you should be very thankful.

My DSs have no relationship with their father (at his behest) and the DGC have no clue about their missing Grandad....and not for the want of trying by all concerned on this side, including his parents.....sadly our split was due to another, totally evil, woman, who has forced him to forsake his entire family for her, parents, sibling, children, grandchildren...the lot!

I hope, as time goes on, that you can reconcile yourself to what has happened, and that it continues to be a friendly atmosphere all round for you all.

Good luck and love to you, your son and your grandson...hang in there, it will be ok!

It sounds as if your DIL is a nice lady greeting you with a hug - doing that is best all round for everyone. She and your son did not manage to make a go of it, but your family can continue, albeit somewhat different.

There will be sensitivities and you will be trading on eggshells quite a bit, but do put your energies into that. Don't feel sad or angry - your son is a grown man and will make a new future, and will be all the stronger for knowing that has has you behind him all the way - he needs you to have a positive take on the future, doing all that is needed to create continuity for your DGS.

There have been several marriage break-ups in our wider family and, after the initial shock things have settled down and life goes on just fine.

I've been trying to reply all morning but I can't get the reply to go.Trying again....
Thank you. ..., your comments about my DiL have made me think that she probably didn't want all this to happen but it has. My DS and DiL want different things out of life. She wants freedom and excitement, parties and clubbing. He wants a family and be with someone he can trust.They just have different values since my DGS was born. Must try to see her point of view. These are for you all.[flowers ]

Anyone got sny experience of DiLs on anti depressants? Just learned my DiL has been on them since they decided to split up. Could this be why she thinks everything is hunkey dorey?

Kate13 - anti depressants are unlikely to make her feel everything is hunkey dorey. GP's are (generally) careful about prescribing anti depressants, or other similar drugs. The expectation is that the patient completes a depression scale test, with the GP as well as talking through the symptoms. Medics will often say they won't take your troubles away, but will help you keep your head above water. The newer antidepressants have less side effects than the old ones. It takes about 6 weeks for the medication to begin to relieve the symptoms of depression/anxiety. Some people are prescribed for a 6 month period, others for longer.

My dilemma is that I know my soon-to-be ex DiL isn't the happy girl she pretends to be. .Everything was "fine", life was "fine", her dad's prostate cancer was "fine". But my DD spoke to her last week and apparently my DiL had gone up to her boss and shouted that she hated her job snd she wasn't going to do any more work. Hrr boss has told her to take some compassionste leave. She also told my DD that Christmas this year was going to be and that she'd just have to struggle through it. She also talked about "going on holiday/away by herself for two weeks. Does she not have any sense of responsibility for our DGS any more? I can't get my head to understand it all. Do I try to help her or just sit back?

From your earlier comments Kate13, it sounds as though your Dil's current behaviour is out of character. Shouting at her boss with the result he recommended she take compassionate leave also suggests her behaviour at work is not usually one where she loses control. Her GP is probably best placed to diagnose, hence the prescription. She sounds emotionally exhausted rather than someone who has lost 'any sense of responsibility for your DGS any more'. I suspect the best advice here is for you to keep calm, and carry on supporting the children as best you can.

You're very kind Iam64.I shall follow your advice. You're keeping me on the right track
and that's really important just now. These are for you . Thank you.

Well what a day! Had lunch with my DGS, DS, my nearly ex DiL, and her parents. The first time we have all been together since August when thy told us they were splitting up. It was the Christmas play at DGS's nursery in the afternoon. I can't describe how I felt today.It certainly wasn't elation. Baffled at the whole bizarre sham.Everyone on best behaviour, everyone hurting ( though not the two grandads who had a really great day to themselves.) DGS loved having everyone there . For me, it just stirred up the deep sadness of the situation and I just want to cry.Thought I'd got it under control .

Kate you will never have it all under control so don't try too hard. You are in the very early days and it will get .After 13 years I still have moments of "if only". I sometimes think everyone has moved on but me.