Feeling a lot of pain! :-(

I don't get a ''good feeling'' about giving her money , she is responsible for herself , she is allowed to top it up by £20 a week ( I used to do a cleaning job for £20 a week which really helped ) and she may be eligible for some extra help due to her depression , panic attacks and alcoholism but a welfare advisor will be able to perhaps help her with that

If the car has to go so be it ( I would be secretly pleased to be honest! )

And she will have to cut down on things like getting her nails done , staying in hotels , going out for dinner etc but those things are luxuries anyway

The image she portrays on Facebook of living the high life seems to be dwindling now but it is FAKE anyway , yes she looks glamorous when not drinking and is a STUNNING girl but what she is trying to portray and the reality of her life do not match up , partying , posh steak dinners , hotel stays , holidays , designer clothes and handbags , flashy car it is all masking the real picture and that is all going to have to come to an end , not sure if she could maintain a job but the stress of it could all catch up with her again

She has to manage for herself if I bail her out once she will keep expecting it and not take responsibility for her own life and finances etc plus it is also a possible source of enabling her to drink

Maybe she will think about ;

WHAT GOT HER TO THIS PLACE?

WHY is / was Mum so exhausted and upset?

WHAT affect is being separated from his Mum having on her SON?

IS it even WISE to have a car at this current time in her life?

WHY is her sister annoyed with her?

My poor other DD gets practically IGNORED when I am caught up in younger DD's ''stuff'' and it's usually one thing after another which I don't want to be part of any more as I need my space and space to visit my OTHER DD who is probably annoyed with me for ignoring her and at a time when she needs me the MOST!!! :-(

Plus she has been on this roller coaster too at a time when she could really do without it! x

Its not ''all eyes on the alcoholic'' anymore!

Good!

Now you are sounding stronger - go and visit your other DD - perhaps if she helps with your house move it'll help her too? A bit of shopping together for new curtains and stuff. A bit of Normal.

You are definitely sounding stronger! It's amazing how just doing ordinary things can bring things more back into perspective, isn't it? We can be in the absolute depths of despondency, then a bit of normal day-to-day stuff settles us down again. Onward and upwards.

It's not all about her.
It is affecting DGS and your other DD and she will have to realise that they need your attention too.

Thank you so much , it is one problem after another right now and even though it's not my problem it is hard as a Mother to know your DD or DS is STRUGGLING

When I was struggling financially I had a small 3 hour cleaning job for a while and that £20 kept my head above water for a good while!

I also then decided to sell stuff on Ebay - I started small I found a supplier of electrical goods in Germany , bought a few bits , sold them on Ebay and then bought more with some of the profits , I ended up doing fairly well out of that , enough to survive anyway plus it kept me busy and occupied

In the end after 2 highly priced items went missing in the post and I had to reimburse my buyer therefore wiping out my profit for the whole MONTH I stopped doing it as it was disheartening when it happened twice , one of the items being a sat nav which ended up I don't know where!!

I also used to SOMETIMES get paid a bit of money for bringing people along to clubbing nights when I was doing my social events and I charged £2 a head at one point which usually covered my meal out with the group etc so I got a good social life for free and sometimes made a profit

She is a smart girl and I reckon if she puts her mind to it she can come up with a plan - I don't think she is ready to work full time yet and perhaps work on herself first..

What concerns me is to make a plan , do it , stick to it and be consistent you need a clear head and to be thinking straight

It took a lot of work organising my events and I had to be on the ball at all times to answer e-mails etc but she is not in that place as yet to do something consistent

Anyway I know I said the focus isn't on her any more lol but it helps to voice my concerns as I know she has a huge struggle both financially and emotionally ahead and it is scary because you hear of alcoholics becoming prostitutes etc for money and I for sure don't want her to go down that road so to at least ADVISE her to look for non destructive alternatives to keep her busy and focused even will be a good thing

I think doing the 'normal' stuff is important and I can't wait for my older DD to come round and see my new house! :-)

And the shops near me are amazing!!

I have a dream in my head , it's summer and the garden is sorted and we are having a family barbeque ( with mocktails and non alcoholic beer! lol ) and the children are playing happily and we are all TOGETHER again and everything IS ''back to normal'' and we are HAPPY together , like we used to be! ... We used to have some beautiful family times together

And I picture my older DD with a new baby in her arms , full of joy and happy again and the whole picture reminds me of a RAINBOW made by a mix of storm clouds and rain and pain which you have to go through first to get to the sunshine and joy and laughter ... The joy is coming , in time and blessings too and I feel my new home will be a place of real peace and contentment and happiness!

I can see why it's called ''Mothers ruin'' though!!!!

It feels like my family is RUINED right now , but this is now and the future is the future so it doesn't have to be permanently ruined , yes things can go from bad to worse , but then to still bad but then to GOOD again especially as we started off that way! :-) :-) xx

I do have some dark times and times of worry but I reckon EVERYBODY does and it is about getting THROUGH those dark times and out the other end and slowly making progress like the tortoise , not the hare! :-) LOL xx

nannynoo, there's a saying: "This too, shall pass". And it's very true. After things have settled down (which they will, whatever needs to be gone through first), you will look back and be able to say, "If only I'd known a year ago (or whatever) that it would all be ok".
Many of us on this thread have had their own personal experiences, some of which might be pretty horrendous. However, we can only deal with what life flings at us, getting on as best we can. Having someone to share it with and to talk to about our worries is very valuable.
It's awful to see our children struggle. We would do anything to save them from that, but normal life has to go on, and your DD will want to know that you're leading your own life in a normal way, and not focussing on her completely, because that would be an added burden for her. It's so good that you can share good mum/daughter times with her sister - get out and have a look for the type stuff you might be wanting to put in your new (old!) house. Do a bit of dreaming for your own future. You'll do just fine.

Have had a strange day! I looked online for some legal advice on the phone and Family Rights Group no. was engaged , Corum Legal Centre was engaged , Grandparents Plus was engaged - I kept trying the first two but no joy , there must be much need for it then!!

Then I rang another Grandparents helpline for legal advice and it was run by a woman who is a bit of a campaigner and she talked for well over an hour about her experiences and what had happened in her life and I could just about get her off the phone! LOL ... I had to INSIST in the end as when I said I had to go she would start up another topic again I think she found it therapeutic but it didn't help me at all! :-/

So I managed to get through to another legal line in the NICK of time before they closed and got to briefly talk to someone which helped thankfully

It can all get a bit confusing SS are setting up a meeting with me soon to discuss the review of my assessment , before that goes ahead I have to answer a lot of questions the SW sent me in an e-mail

From the questions I get the feeling that they are possibly pushing towards an SGO if assessment is passed , they asked me am I putting myself forward as my DGS's long term carer , how much respite I would need and how often , how will I manage contact between my DD and DGS , have I discussed it with my DD & what was the reaction? Plus a few other questions but the one which baffled me was ''Are you aware of the legal issues regarding you being given permanent care for your DGS'' ............To be honest I don't even know what that MEANS???

I have to reply by Friday so I have one day to sort it out but what ARE the legal issues am not sure I understand???!!!

That is the one question which got me stumped , will keep looking into it though

I think it is getting serious now and I do need to have a serious but calm talk with my DD about the implications of a possible SGO

I also would actually PREFER visits to be at a contact centre at first at least until she is in a much more stable place so I need to discuss this with her

It's reality check time and she is not going to like it

Only just found out my DD has her pre court meeting tomorrow!!!

( They cancelled the one last week & thought it would take a while to come up with a new date! )

It's not looking good as she has missed visits and has not done the requirements set out in the pre court letter , so looks like it will go to court?

I didn't really want it to go to court to be honest as I'm a scaredy cat with stuff like that! ... Just not USED to courts and solicitors etc and find it scary! .. Am used to baking my own bread and making a nice cottage pie and pottering around in the garden growing my own Marigolds lol

Not really a court and solicitor person but am going to have to BECOME one whether I like it or not it seems! :-(

The pattern at the moment is get a little respite and space , then next thing happens , then get a little respite and space and the next thing happens and so it goes on but have to concentrate on packing for my move this week so all other steps might just have to wait for me if possible xx

I would think the practical requirements would be much more important than the legal ones. The full time care of an autistic seven year old boy could be exhausting. Are you fully aware of those?

I don't mean to sound hard-hearted, but it would be awful for the little boy if you found after a while that it was too much for you.

Is your new house close to his school? Does he have to be taken and collected each day, or is there transport laid on?

Nannynoo, Hopefully it will work out the way you wish. As an ex magistrate I know that the family courts do listen to every detail and in the end the welfare of the child is paramount. They go through endless paperwork and reports to prepare for their final decision. Where children are concerned these cases are very, very thorough. I do feel for you and hope it goes well.

Hi jinglebellsfrocks , yes I have thought long and hard about whether I would be able to manage caring for my DGS , yes I only have him for weekends and school holidays or if my DD went away with her friends so the longest has been 16 days on my own with him although I was pretty much on my own for the whole of the 5 months with no support from anyone , looking after BOTH off them pretty much full time

So I HAD to ask myself the vital question if I could take him on full time and give him the consistent quality of care he needs etc and the answer is 100% YES!

WITH support in place that is

SS asked me how much respite I would need and I said one weekend per month , plus there are family members who are willing to take him overnight approx once a fortnight and another who will take him out during the day sometimes at the weekend eg to the cinema to give me a little break so it does take TEAM WORK

I had a DIFFICULT visit today , we were allowed to bathe him and get him ready for bed and doing such ''normal'' stuff with him like things were BEFORE actually made me miss SO MUCH doing those NORMAL things like getting him ready for bed etc

Then I read his school book like I always used to do and it was SO HARD to see the staff had made the comments re what he had done over the weekend etc and were responding to the teachers comments the way my DD and I used to but it was so hard to see that someone else was doing it now :-(

He got upset A LOT at home time , the worst he has ever been and during the visit he kept saying ''Nanny's house'' and I just hugged him and didn't know what to say!!!

We could hear him still screaming after we left :-( :-( :-( :-(

My new house is not near his school so there IS a practical difficulty there but SS said they could possibly sort out a cab both ways and if it is a more permanent placement would look in him changing schools..

Not knowing what is going to happen is hard , but will see what happens at pre court tomorrow , is pre court a chance to sort out a plan so that going to court is possibly avoided or is it merely a formality and it will probably go to court anyway???

I am committed and determined as I KNOW I can provide him with the quality of care he needs with real love and affection which he needs too

I can get a train with him in the mornings , it is only a 10 minute journey and then a cab from there approx 15 mins away which would cut the cost and journey time greatly!!

He has a special needs buggy which is easy to get on and off the train so I could get him to and from school myself if needed :-)

He is high functioning Autistic and his speech is coming along , he is doing much better with social interactions and has no mobility problems

The buggy is simply to keep him safe as he is a ''runner'' and has no sense of danger and at a train station etc it would be the safest thing to do xx

I am fine with transporting him if needed or allowed?

I am beginning to worry about my DGS's emotional and mental health now , he does not seem to be thriving as much as he was before in the respite home , it is meant to be a short term place , there is a high turnover of staff and other children , all a lot older than him

He seemed more troubled than usual , not as happy , more distressed , seeking more affection

Most of the staff are lovely but they are STRANGERS at the end of the day

He has grown very attached to one male member of staff who is very good with him but they said today they are concerned about becoming too attached so they are going to withdraw that member of staff more

Not sure how that will help my DGS feel secure but he cried when that member of staff just popped in for his gym clothes today then left

He needs us , visits with his Mum at least , but yes he needs consistent care from someone with whom he has a good close bond with , he is at NO risk of harm whatsoever when with me , have already said I will not be giving out my new address to my DD , contact visits to be arranged at a contact centre so no ''trouble at the door'' and therefore no unexpected distress for him just calm , peace and contentment for him!

He is HAPPY with me!!! Surely that counts for something when he WILL be safeguarded at all times , all his needs met well etc

I am not sure what is going on but I think he will start deteriorating soon and the staff WILL notice and already are!

I need to move home settle in and will then be ready to welcome him to ''Nanny's NEW house'' with OPEN ARMS!!!

Any delays may actually start causing behavioural problems which we are noticing now and I am worried about him now , he seemed fine before but I am noticing a change in him for the worse distress and unhappiness wise and I hope to God they start working in his best interests SOON!

Sending him to another set of strangers would make him WORSE IMO :-( :-( :-(

I will be pretty much ready to have him once I settle in and have come a LONG WAY

Concentrate on the move noo and getting the house nice. Your DGS is at least physically safe where he is and - trying to think constructively - perhaps a little bit of deterioration psychologically may be a good thing in that it'll prove how good your input was when you saw him more often and had him to stay.

Thank you for your response Nfkdumpling!

You are right and this move has come exactly at the right time

They did have concerns about placing him with me where I currently am due to my downstairs neighbour plus lack of any sound proofing , we have half a large old Victoran house each with just floorboards separating us and the neighbour does tend to have mood swings unfortunately!! So I agree with their concerns about placing him here!!

It should not take long to settle in and am going to get family on board to help me unpack :-)

Hope DD turns up at the pre-court meeting today, and that it goes well for DGS.

Thank God for Gransnet! :-)

She turned up at pre court , she told me SS are not even considering me as a placement for my DGS and that he is being placed into care today and that she wants nothing to do with me as I told SS about her drink driving ... So everything is my fault

I have realised today that she is not well

I just spoke to SS who said at this CURRENT time they cannot place him with me and they are visiting a foster family today but they would not be going through the assessment process if they thought I was unsuitable

I don't want him with strangers but I also don't want him to be at the respite centre any more , he is going through so much bless him and it is not good for him , he is suffering and it is heart breaking but it is my DD who is responsible for that , not me , so I will do all I can to work with SS and they are setting up a meeting with me and are going to let me know the date for that by the end of next week

I don't want him to be uprooted continually as I feel it will have an adverse affect on him , but the respite centre he is in is set up as a short term place

I heard that once fostered it is harder for the family to ''get him back'' as it were so is that true as in can a foster placement be just short term while a family member is being fully assessed?

They offered her rehab but I don't think she is taking it

They are aware of how serious her drinking is but she does not want to acknowledge it , she thinks she is in control of it unfortunately and I think she thought she would be able to wangle her way out of it and lie to SS but that they brought up the drink driving incident which she could not argue with as I was not lying about it and she has used that against me now in the blame game

That is fine , my concern is how much my DGS is SUFFERING!!

Yes, I believe fostering can be short term while a permanent solution is sorted out. (I had a friend who did short term fostering of babies and little ones. Frequently at a moments notice.)

Will you still see him in foster care?

nannynoo - Nfk is right that it is quite usual for a child to be fostered short term while a family member is assessed. Just keep working with the social workers and you have good reason to be hopeful - as they said, they wouldn't be assessing you if they didn't think you might be suitable. Good luck

THANK YOU NfkDumpling and Nightowl for your input! :-)

I would presume I would still see him in foster care?

I think the main concern SS have to be 110% sure about is my safeguarding ability which I understand

If I have ANY doubts or niggles even 6 months on then will do another 6 months of contact centre visits just to make sure , people accuse SS of being over cautious but I can see where they are coming from as I would rather be over cautious too when it comes to my DGS's safety

There are practicalities to be worked on as well eg the school run but am sure we can sort it :-)

You can't ''kid'' SS or pull the wool over their eyes ( I think my DD tried it today and failed ) and I reckon SS saw where she was at today which is not a stable or rational place unfortunately

I am at the ''receiving nasty texts'' stage which I KNEW would come and I am just IGNORING them and carrying on with things as normal as possible

I LIKE ''normal'' , very much! lol xxx

It sounds like you're doing fantastically well. Things progressing with SS and your new home. DD2 is is reaching a crossroads and only she can decide which way to go. It's hard ignoring her goading but you're doing it.

How's your other DD coping? Sometimes eldest DDs can make good friends.

Yes nannynoo you should still see your DGS while he is in foster care. The SWs will want to keep the bond between you if they are looking towards placing him with you. You may find that you can get to know the foster carer through contact sessions (foster carers often bring children to contact and collect them afterwards) and this will help your grandson enormously, as you will be able to exchange information and he will feel safer knowing that the adults around him can relate to each other in a calm and supportive manner.

Nfk's suggestion about your eldest daughter being a friend is a good one. If she is feeling strong enough her support could also help your application. SWs will want to know as part of your assessment that you have your own support network.

It sounds to me as though everything is moving in the right direction!