THAT huge question

This is such a complex matter for many people and we are happy that arrangements are in place that do not include us except to still be their GPs who love and will see them as we do now.

My daughters have arranged this between themselves. If either of them and their partners die the other daughter will take the children.

Same with ours Vampirequeen. Sensible decision we think as we are already in our 70s (how did that happen?)!

My DD and SiL have discussed this in the past. They asked me if I would mind them asking friends of theirs to be living guardians of their children.
I have no problem with this at all. Her friends are lovely people and would encourage us to keep our present relationship with our DGC. I think it is a good idea. DH and I are not getting any younger and four children, two on the autistic spectrum, would be too much for us.

When ours were little we had a mutual arrangement with DH's sister to take on the left children. Luckily, I'm an only child and he just has the one sister, and we three DC each so it was balanced and there was no conflict with other siblings. Against solicitors advice everything was left to the surviving family since they would need to buy a larger home, etc. We trusted each other - a concept unknown to the legal profession.

Our children have all now set up similar arrangements with their siblings altgough it involved more discussion since there are three of them with a total of four GC and uneven resources.

We certainly had formal agreements with my sister who had children as an older mum, and informally between DSIL and us for our children (all adults now). Not discussed with DS and DIL so something to broach with them....

It was written in our wills who the children's guardian would be. We must get around to up dating them.

I haven't discussed DGC with DD but I know we would rather not do it. Unfortunately I really don't know what choice we'd have as other GP's although a few years younger have never really shown much interest in DGC

When my now grown up children were young it was in our will that husbands parents would take the children and if they had already died my best friend who was the children,s godmother would have them. With my own grandchildren my daughter ( their mother) has put it in her will that her younger sister will have the children if anything happens.

My daughter and SiL discussed this with us when they sorted their wills out. We said we did not mind SIL's sister having guardianship of our grandson, as long as we were consulted on any decisions regarding his future as long as we were still around. My SiL has a stepmother who has never shown the slightest interest in being a grandmother to my grandson, so that door is closed. It is very much her loss, but a pity, as she is considerably younger than we are. Oddly enough, my grandson himself brought this up out of the blue just before Christmas when his parents were away for a couple of days. "If anything happened to mum and dad, where would I live?" I told him either with us or his aunt. "But if I went to Auntie B where would I sleep and put all my things?" I had no idea that the situation would even cross his mind at his young age.

When our children were young we 'left'them to my parents but with access to the money (what there was) as well as we knew they couldn't afford to bring them up otherwise. My son and DiL have never said what provision they have made for there three but We all assume my single daughter would take them. She is a wonderful auntie and the children adore her.
However, we should all be aware that these wishes are not binding and social services usually get involved.

When the children were very young, we "willed" them any money and our house to my sister. It was a reciprocal arrangement

Yes, we did the same with DH's brother and dil- they had 3 daughters and us 2, ours, theirs, ours, theirs and theirs- all 1 year apart. Each time we got together or either went on holiday we used to say 'BE CAREFUL we just could not cope' and they the same, it was a bit of a family joke.

In this case, a sibblings arrangement would not really be feasible, for all sorts of reasons- agreed that being brought up by younger parents would be 'better'- but with help, I'm sure we could do it. Not a decision to be taken lightly, that is for sure.

Better to make arrangements then not. DD2 is besotted with her niece and nephew, and they with her- but I don't think it would be fair for her to feel obliged to drop her own life - but she would be a great help and support to us. But of course, the chances of us being needed in this way are, thank goodness, very very very small.

This thread really beats the band for Gransnet misery threads.

Are you all slowly sinking into a sea of depression?

jingl, you can be truly insensitive at times. How is ensuring that your GCs future is safe and secure just in case- has anything to do with depression?

Have you got plans made in case- to make sure social services have clear directions in case. We've lost so many young friends in the last few years- in terrible circumstances- so, yes, sadly, it does happen.

No depression here, thanks- just love and the need for security for the little ones.

In such dreadful circumstances as described here, a family would rally around the children immediately. Some things, however, do NOT not need to be stressed over in advance.

I think it's weird.

We would bring up our grandson if anything should happen to DD and SIL.
It's all in their will, so official. There is nobody else who would take him on so of course, we must do so even though it would be difficult for the rest of our lives.That's what families do.

should read 'that's what families do'.

Actually I don't understand why having a "big pile" to look after would, or could, stop you wanting to look after your grandchildren.

No I don't get that either jingls.
It's sensible, tho, to be prepared so there is no stressing over who is expected to look after the young ones.
I knew a divorcee who died very suddenly and her parents wanted to bring up her young son but her will said that he should be with his dad, who had been very involved in his care all his life.
That saved a lot of problems for everyone.

The OP doesn't say it would stop them. Having help would be better and therefore it will be arranged that money is set aside for employing someone. I think that's a great idea. Although most of us would willingly bring up our DGC none of us are getting any younger and looking after children 24/7 can be exhausting. Being able to employ someone to help would make it better for all concerned.

It wouldn't be "expected" round here. No one in the rest of the family would ever want to leave their sides.

I'm getting off this wretched thread now.

I think it is really sensible. My BiL had kids the same age as ours and we made wills to ensure that we would be able to take care of each other's children. In the event it would have put huge financial burden on either family so we both made financial provision for each other.

My DiL has a brother who has same age kids but she absolutely does not want him to care for them. They have reciprocal arrangements with my own side of the family and this has been made clear to all.

You can bury your head in the sand, but tragedies do happen. I don't see this as depressing, it is like making a will, common sense.

1/1, 16.19.
I am afraid I don"t understand about a BIG PILE to look after, I could say the same TBF.
It would not in any way shape or form affect how I would be with my G/C

I agree with you littleflo.Just a matter of being practical before the event.