How can I help my daughter?

Not really got any advice madq hopefully she'll come round to your way of thinking and count her blessings once she's got over her 'shock'. I had two girls before my son was born and I must admit as it got closer to my 3rd childs arrival I was concerned it would be another girl and my husband would be disappointed but no doubt we would of been just as pleased with the birth of a healthy girl should it of happened that way once he got over his intial disppointment. Does her husband realise how disappointed she is and even share her dismay?

Have you tried saying "Don't be so silly!" ?

Oh I do feel for her. My husband didn't speak to me when my daughter was born because he wanted a son, so I was relieved to have a son next time. He said years later that he would have had a house full of daughters and not minded. When I found that my daughters second child was going to be another boy [now ex; the marriage never recovered from it]I suddenly understood how he had felt at the time because all of his thoughts of train sets and father/son things had gone out of the window. I was desperate for a grandaughter , and felt guilty from the minute the second child was born; also didn't feel as close to him as I had the first child. However, 4 years later the love I feel for him is so intense; he is so different to his brother and has somehow made me love him, not because he is my grandson but because he is 'him'. Your daughter can't help what she feels and at least it's good that she can talk it through [my husband never discussed his desire for a son till the baby was born; in fact I don't think he even thought about it till then]. She'll love the baby when he's born; the hormones will work their magic.

I'm afraid I agree with thatbags I waited ages for a child and would have been glad of anything! As it happened my son was (and is) perfect. He has two sons and I can honestly say that again I just wanted them to be healthy - I have never felt that I missed out on a granddaughter. Every child is precious and deserves to be welcomed 100%. I don't think I would be very sympathetic - the best I could do is put it down to hormones!

Some people just don't realise how lucky they are.

Big brother will have someone to play with who has similar interests. I had one of each, and although they played together to a certain degree there were many times when they came to me expressing the wish for a brother or a sister as one wouldn't play the other's game, the excuse being it's a boys/girls game. My sister has three sons and has never expressed a wish for a girl.

True, but you can only feel what you feel. Doesn't make it right or wrong but still better to acknowledge it and talk it through than brush it to one side. The sex of your children does change the whole dynamic of family life.

Way back in the '70s my friend had a daughter and when she became pregnant again she was desperate for a son. However, she had another girl. My friend was openly upset and could hardly look at the baby for a few weeks. I was horrified when I first went to visit the baby at my friend's cold indifference towards her new daughter. Things gradually improved but unfortunately the child was diagnosed with severe autism and has had terrible problems over the years. My friend obviously loves her daughter very much now. I have only one child, a daughter. I desperately wanted a daughter so I could put her in pretty frills etc but I would not have been disappointed if she had been a son. I'm sure as soon as your daughter sets eyes on her new son she will feel differently.

I don't have any experience of this but a friend's daughter had her 3rd son last year (having lost a baby boy year before) and was just thankful the baby arrived safely.
It is very difficult when an expectant mum sets her heart on a specific sex, as I know from being a midwife. I suppose she could go for selective IVF privately if set on having a girl?
Personally I was just so thankful to have healthy babies, albeit born early.

The dynamic of family life is not the issue. Silliness is the issue. Perhaps one can only feel what one can feel, but one can also recognise its silliness and resolve to do something about it, such as giving oneself a good talking to or going to see a shrink to learn how to deal with silly and unreasonable feelings.

I think that is rather a sad post MAD, such a shame your DD does not feel joy about the forthcoming birth.As you rightly point out though, you have to hold your tongue , but then that is what MUMS do eh!

She will probably come round in time, and when she holds the baby in her arms for the first time, it will matter nothing that it is another boy.

best wishes .

That is good advice LOOP.
I like you, was just happy to have a perfectly healthy girl, and then perfectly healthy Twins[1 of each sex]

I suppose you could ask her how she will feel if she has a pregnancy scare?
That might just jolt her?

Mid you, that could backfire too.

But when you're pregnant you 'do' imagine the things that you're going to do with that child ie as a father you imagine kicking a football around etc. You can't ignore those feelings. It's even more compounded when you're certain that you will only have two children, no matter what. I would imagine that madq's daughter is worrying about her feelings which is why she shouldn't bottle it up. I, too was happy to have a healthy baby girl, so my husbands reaction was a complete shock, especially as we'd thought we'd have problems having children. So I was even more shocked to find my self having feelings of disappointment that I would never have a grandaughter [I'm very ashamed of feeling that way ].

The problem with knowing the sex of the baby before it's born is you don't have that explosion of joy/relief/unconditional love that you feel before they even tell you what it is.

A friend of mine had three daughters. She used to laugh and say, 'Never mind, there will be grandsons to look forward to.' There is one and he has four girl cousins!!

DD has two boys and her ex tried to talk her into a 'save the marriage' baby saying things like, 'You'd love a little girl wouldn't you?'

Thank goodness she had more sense than to fall for that load of nonsense.

I get pretty het up about this issue. I had acquaintances who went on having children til they got what they wanted - one at huge risk to her health as she had a kidney problem - and what of those poor in-between children who failed to be the right gender? One mum even refused to name her 4th daughter and passed that job onto her OH.

I have 3 daughters - all wonderful; one of my DDs has 2 sons (and will have no more children for various reasons) - we are so blessed to have healthy children and I cannot muster sympathy with those who are set on one gender. I lost my rag with one lady who commiserated with me on the birth of a third daughter - she was about the 20th to do so and I could contain myself no longer!

Yes - family dynamics are different with different gender children, but you just adapt and get on with it.

I do think that this generation of young people are steeped in a world over which they have lots of control, thanks to the scientific developments that we benefit from - when confronted with something that they cannot control, they might find it hard. So - as someone has said - if she wants a girl she will have to fork out for a treatment that will make that possible, but I dispute the principle behind it.

We are so lucky to have healthy children - we must just love them - that is all.

I do not know how you are biting your tongue madq!!

Perhaps you can't ignore feelings, but you can be ashamed of them if they are so silly as to be out of touch with reality. If I ever had feelings like that I'd keep them to myself out of self respect.

Actually, though I didn't know the gender of my first two babies, I was convinced "in myself" that I was havin a boy each time. No idea why. When the baby girls were born it didn't matter a single jot. It wouldn't have mattered the other way round either.

There is such a thing as wallowing in nonsense.

Oddly I was pretty certain what sex baby I was having with my two, knowing the sex beforehand wasn't an option back then
I craved mayonnaise straight out of a jar with my daughter; with my son the sight of a jar sent me running for the loo, I craved dark chocolate instead, especially Cadbury's Bournville, couldn't get enough of it!

I agree with merlot. A shame they get to know the sex of their baby before birth. I must admit to feeling a slight disappointment when the midwife said "it's a little girl" when dd2 was born, but that went totally out of the window as soon as I held her.

Two boys can be great company for each other.

Don't worry about it. She'll come round.

Sorry I was a bit blunt and did not actually try and answer the question as to how you might help her.

I am not sure you can to be honest, because anything you might say is likely to eventually involve saying how blooming lucky she is to have a healthy pregnancy on the go - and she probably would not thank you for that!

I think all you can do is tell her you are sorry she feels like that; but then stand back and let the situation resolve itself in time. Is she under pressure from her OH in some way over this? Is he disappointed too?

Do you know I even find it hard to right the word disappointed in relation to this subject! My fingers get stuck!

Phew! I'm about to use a phrase that I loathe with a passion. However, I am well and truly gob-smacked. And very sad too.

This is a difficult one, as 2 of our 4 have no children. One of those is adopting.
I think the attitude towards planning a family has changed so much since I was that age. We had little choice, just accepted what arrived, or not, if you're sterile.
Now couples can choose whether to have children or not, when, how, of what gender, how many etc.
Madq - your daughter is in the new generation and is used to the idea that it's possible to get what you plan for.
We can't go back to the old days.

Not very helpful thatbags - I want to help her, not create a rift between us.

Such a shame to be so intent on having a certain sex. It's all in the lap of the gods. I had 3 daughters and had no idea beforehand what sex they were. If I had had a 4th, I would have been happy with another girl. They were all healthy bouncing babies and are lovely young women with children of their own. I really don't get it. As Bags says 'don't be silly' and just be thankful; there are so many would-be Mums who are unable to conceive.