Haven't been on here for a while...

Excellent , will read it now , thank you

I am not sure if because my DD is now attending outpatient rehab every day if they are looking for results from her now , as they did say previously they are looking to return him straight to Mum from foster care and they did not want to disrupt him in between by moving him anywhere else again , so don't know if they are giving her a chance FIRST , but from what I know they do it side by side , continued no improvement from my DD's end would SURELY mean they have to start LOOKING into a family member having him

An Aunt has come forward as well and in the FGC the co-ordinator had her back to me and was specifically talking to / addressing the Aunt about my DGS's future care as though she had it in the bag as my assesment didn't go well and so I was irellevant as she ignored me when we started talking about his future care!!

I did pipe up though and she said ''this is what SS need to see!'' so this patiently waiting to work alongside them isn't really working is it?

It is not that I want to fight them - I just want them to SEE ME and as I REALLY AM which is more than fully capable of having my DGS!

I have MET other Grandparent kinship carers and I am left feeling what on earth makes them better at caring for their Grandchild than me when I KNOW there ISN'T anything , honestly , I do have my eyes wide open! lol

It is like at school my English teacher didn't like me because she didn't like my sister so she used to mark me down on my essays and I read my friends essays with a higher mark and I am not stupid I KNEW my essay was actually better than theirs ( am not boasting but being blatantly real ) and she didn't even put me in for the 'O' level exam as it was called in those days only CSE as she said I would NEVER pass it , so I went in and showed her my grade 1 CSE when I passed it which is thankfully at least equivalent to a GCE O level grade C which is all I needed

Sorry , but that is what this FEELS LIKE!!!

Nannynoo it's good that you vent on here as you need to stay calm and focused when trying to influence your Social Workers.

Do read Nightowl's PM and do get legal advice. That is the best advice I can offer.

Is there any free legal help out there?

I mean ongoing free legal help not just free legal advice?

I didn't mean I was giving specific legal advice nannynoo as I am not a lawyer, so sorry if I misled anyone, just trying to point you in the right direction. Please try Family Rights Group advice line, but also try to find a solicitor specialising in Family Law who will offer a free initial half hour just to get some idea of where you might be able to go with this. I'm at work at the moment but will post later if I think of anything else. There are lots of social workers and ex social workers on the forum who may be a me to offer other advice - I see some already have. Don't give up yet!

Yep , it helps to vent

I think the foster carer is doing a good job , but no BETTER of a job than I can do , the added bonus being I love and genuinely care about my DGS and am committed to his happiness and well being for life!!!

I don't know what sort of ''bonus'' that ISN'T

It hurts to know some Grandparents get instantly approved for some reason and I got instantly disapproved for some reason , it is not good to COMPARE but it hurts when I meet Grandparent carers who have their Grandchildren with them and I know you can't tell a lot by just talking to someone but I know in my heart I am NOT a WORSE carer than they are and will do my damndest for my DGS even when exhausted or tired which comes with the territory

Saying that I will get appropriate help when I DO need it in order to keep myself well and therefore always do what is best for my DGS

Anyway , when doing your best isn't good enough when you know your best will ONLY BENEFIT the child so he can thrive , be happy and secure and reach his full potential rather than be with strangers to be honest I don't understand the whole system and don't know if I ever will , yes of course it is SS job to keep a child SAFE I 100% agree with that but to separate him from a family member who will give him very good care , not just ''good enough'' seems crazy if I am honest!!!

Assess me again , assess me more , but carry on assessing me and look at any areas you feel still need some work and I will DO IT

I feel I am being tarred for my DD's problems , I have never had a problem with alcohol , been a social drinker in the past , don't drink at all any more as I HATE THE STUFF after seeing what it has done to my family , don't need it ( tea might be a different matter lol ) yes there is alcoholism on my DD's Dads side and I chose to be with him and subsequently leave him 30 years ago but I still feel I don't have to be PERFECT to be a GOOD carer for my DGS

Poke , prod , question me some more but SEE WHAT IS THERE PLEASE for a very sensitive little boys sake please!!!

Thank you for letting me offload! lol

There is one little soul who may be benefitting from it too xx

I WISH they could ask him who he would like to live with if he can't live with Mummy as I and the rest of the family KNOW what the answer to that would be

Yet because of his Autism it seems that questioning cannot be done although he does have enough understanding if you said ''******'s house'' ( the foster carer ) or ''Nanny's house'' or show him a picture of both I KNOW which one he would choose

He says ''bye bye ****'' about 3 times every time I see him which is what he says when he does not want to be there / go there / do that eg he always says ''bye bye aeroplane'' as he hates flying so much!!

I was talking about porridge on the last visit and he said ''Nanny's porridge!'' because he remembered the porridge I used to make him for breakfast and he loved it , was touched to know he hasn't forgotten those things! x

Have you asked SS why they do not want to place your DGS with you, and if there is any more info they want or anything else they want you to do?
Do you have an Advocate service in your area? They may be able to help you to liaise with SS.
As your DGS has lived with you (along with his mum) in the past and has visited you often, I can't see it would be any disruption for him to live with you for a while, before going back to his mum.

I have moved home so he has not been to my new house as yet even though it is more suitable for him than my old place

He would have to move schools as I live too far from his current school

As recovery from alcoholism is long term I would be happy to have him in the interim for however long and my DD was still drinking up to last week and may still be so recovery has not even started yet to be honest!

I know he will settle in nicely given time and not too long at that too

I wasn't looking for free legal advice from you Nightowl lol just wondered if there was any sort of free service out there as I may not qualify for legal aid and assume it is nigh impossible to get a pro bono solicitor???

I think it will take more than a free 1/2 hour session

I will look into the advocate service , that is a very good idea , they say they want my DD to fight for her son but if I try fighting for him it backfires on me and they seem angry and issue an even more negative report than before , by fight them I do NOT mean be rude or angry or raise my voice at them .... I have never done that and I so do want to work WITH THEM and be on the same page ie have my DGS's best interests at heart which I do without a doubt and I know adoption would be the wrong move for his well being and future happiness when he already has a loving family around him who are willing to work together as a team

His Uncle who is a police officer has come forward to have him as well but I am concerned about his working hours as my DGS does need someone at home for him on a consistent basis

It seems to me that whoever comes forward will be rejected - I have heard about cases where 7 family members came forward including nurses and police officers etc and they were all rejected too

This is the worrying thing it SEEMS once they have ''made up their mind'' that is IT but I AM willing to work with them and address any issues they may have on my part and most if not all of the 'reasons' are unwarranted now but showing them that is the problem as they do not stay in touch with me much so we DO need to get the communication going again

Are advocates trained in law matters???

I feel I am between a rock and a hard place no matter what I do

I have to just keep moving forward , keep myself well and hope that we can make some progress together

It's hard because they don't see me looking up dance classes or dance tutors for him because he loves and is talented in dance , they don't see me research the local special needs schools , or support services in the area for carers and children with special needs , looking at learning aids eg phonic letter packs to help him with his reading and writing , special needs toys which trigger his interests in things he loves , looking up and buying ingredients for sugar free cakes ( as he is not allowed any sugar as it is bad for his teeth ) compiling cd's with all his favourite nursery rhymes on it as it helps with his speech when he is singing , plus buying finger puppets which help keep his interest and make the songs more fun! Downloading special needs apps on my phone and computer for him , all this and more since he has been away from me but I ALWAYS used to think about his best interests and always do

I am bringing in craft items on Saturday so we can make a Valentines card for me ( that is all I want on Valentines day! lol ) and one for his Mum and one for his foster carer

I think about his best interests all the time and it comes naturally , even more so now I have a clear head after all the bereavements etc

Am going to bring ingredients in for sugar and fat free microwave mini chocolate cakes on the visit after that as there is a microwave in the room and they only take one minute to 'bake' in the microwave! These are the things which make me but there is a bigger picture out there beyond the visits and that is what concerns me

I love him , that is all that I can say , and love perseveres throughout a lifetime!

I have pm'd you some more information nannynoo.

I know you weren't looking for free legal advice from me earlier , but I realised I had said I had pm'd you some 'legal stuff' which may have been misleading.

Please try Family Rights Group as they are a mine of information and have a free advice line

www.frg.org.uk/involving-families/family-and-friends-carers

Hi all - The thing I am struggling with at the moment is the emotional pain of being separated from my GS , the pain is always there but sometimes it surfaces more than at other times and I just have to deal with it I suppose

Maybe I need a jolly good cry to feel better

I know crying isn't ''doing anything about the situation'' but the pain becomes intense sometimes and I have to let it out / deal with it

There are no forums for Grandparents with Grandchildren in the care system , there are places you can get support while the family are together , places to get support if you are a Grandparent carer , but not much help out there for anyone in this 'limbo' in between situation which is extremely hard and stressful and even the family don't want to talk about it as it upsets them

I have no friends , am not even sure why but it hasn't ''happened'' even when I was more sociable I had TONS of acquaintances , no real friends , it just didn't happen

I had friends while my children were growing up , other Mums etc but then everyone moved on with their lives

I don't believe in fake friends but genuine ones and it just didn't happen for me and at the moment people who I may have considered friends or who I thought cared have backed away and don't really want to ''be involved'' as it is a serious situation , so the isolation is hard

Even family members have backed off so I am very much left to deal with it all on my own

I suppose it's just hard being in pain AND isolated , still believe I will come through this though and to be able to come on a forum like this and share with you guys helps immensely, thank you! x

This is soooo hard for you nannnynoo. After my DH passed away my youngest son cut off all contact with me. I heard nothing from him for over a year. He got back in touch when his wife gave birth to a baby girl.

I've only seen my little GD three times because he limits the visits. Luckily I do have 2 other little grandchildren. But my dreams of a close knit family with the little cousins playing together will probably never happen.

There is a Grandparents' Association in my area for Grandparents who are estranged from their grandchildren. If you Google it something may come up where you live.

My 2 grandchildren love coming to Nan's house where they have their own toys, little chairs, etc., and it's so sad that my third GC may never have this security.

You have friends on Grans net. They have all helped me with the fall out from my DH's death and often give better advice than for want of a better word I will call real friends who sometimes don't know what to say for the best.

Thank you Falconbird for sharing , it helps me to know I am not alone and also that it is normal to feel the way I do ;-)

It is hard because for 7 years from the day he was born I have been HEAVILY involved in his life , especially because he has special needs so for him to be ripped away from me like this is extremely painful to say the least

He used to stay over for weekends and I stayed over at my daughters house a lot and had him for school holidays or if my DD went on holiday with her friends etc so we are extremely bonded and I know he is feeling it to to be separated from us as a family and especially me secondly to his Mum of course as apart from his Mum I am feeling it the most in the family as I saw him SO much and am extremely close to him , so it was a sudden wrench and an extremely painful one for both of us at that and although he has now settled in to his foster placement I can tell he is not HAPPY there and just want to come home or to Nannys house

He used to scream the place down when it was time for us to leave and hold on to the door frames to come with us and they had to prize his fingers off and I had to walk away to the sound of my Grandsons piercing screams of distress

Now he has realised he HAS to go with his foster carer , he has no choice in the matter , he still runs over to me at leaving time and holds my hand even when his Mum is there and doesn't want to let go so he has to be bribed to let go and then I have to watch him walk away.....

I am dealing with the ANGER now as basically if my DD did not CHOOSE to pour alcohol down her throat as a way of dealing with things NONE of us would be in this situation or have this pain ( and anger ) to deal with and things would be as normal , just hope things are even better than normal after this!!!

I am feeling better after having a cry and getting my anger out , just HAVE to deal with these feelings as they come up , then feel better , and move on , but it's HARD

I have to stay well in this not just for my own sake but for my GS's sake which is why I have to deal with every emotion which comes up and do what is best in the situation eg with my DD even though I have the fall out of that eg guilt tripping to deal with I have to stand my ground xx

I had my 2 year old GD round yesterday to meet my new puppy , she was scared of him and he was scared of her! lol

He is so gentle though and tentatively took a treat from her hand :-)

She is SUCH an angel , such a sweet girl and I too have the little chairs and toys and a playroom / bedroom for them and her favourite games is ''shopping'' with me where I am the checkout lady and she has the play food in the shopping trolley so I bought a play 'till' as well and she played shopping with me SO sweetly it nearly made me cry

It is so lovely to play with and see my GD but nothing fills that gap in my heart for my GS and wanting him here with me TOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand Nannynoo that having other grandchildren in your life cannot make up for the one that's missing. Yes, there will be a 'hole your soul that cannot be filled'.

That is why I hope and pray he comes back to the family as it is better for him too , they feel it too and it is not good for them and they are missing out , on SO much , especially the love which only a Grandparent can give , it is such a special love and bond..

Am so glad I got to stay over with my Grandparents as a child as I LOVE those memories and will never forget them , was particularly close to my Grandad and I FELT the love he had for me and I loved him too

Even though he is no longer with us when I think of him I smile

I just want to continue to be that source of love and care for my GS as he THRIVES in it , they really do!

I have done nothing wrong and although not perfect I KNOW I can give him a very GOOD level of care and his safety would never be compromised

I'm glad to hear that you feel a bit better after having a cry, nannynoo. There is no need to feel that crying isn't ''doing anything about the situation''. It certainly is doing something - helping you to release your emotion and to feel calmer and able to cope again.
((hugs)) to you.

Thank you FarNorth , you are right , it does a lot of good as does facing all my emotions and dealing with them

It is just that there have been an ONSLAUGHT of them for this past year , then some respite and calm , then some more

I honestly don't think my heart will be at TOTAL peace until my GS is back in the family

The 'respite' from the emotions means they are still there building up inside and then from time to time I have to let them out until the next lot comes

It is a stressful and exhausting time because it never FULLY lets up as in there is always the next thing or the next time but we all know what would SOLVE it for good xx

I just want my family back!!! And for the stress to stop , it has not let up much for the past few years to be honest!!

At one time in my life I was living it up , partying , going on holiday and mostly felt I didn't have a problem in the world and if I did they were MINOR ones compared to THIS , my biggest problem wasn't big and I was so fortunate for a while but I wonder how much of it during that time was simply 'ignoring' the problems or hoping they would resolve themselves somehow not get worse , but alcoholism / a drink problem isn't like that , it doesn't go away all on it's own in fact it is a progressive illness and only gets WORSE without treatment and I did not realise that or that a drinking problem could descend so quickly and seriously into full blown alcoholism

This social butterfly is now a tortoise slowly plodding along day by day , moving forward nonetheless even though it does not seem to be recognised , seen or acknowledged by others it is like no one has even noticed! lol

I have put such hard work in and I can see the results and progression , it just seems like no one else can which gets a bit disheartening as I think I am doing very well under the circumstances but no one really says that to me or even seems to see it

I thought my progress would be 'evident' to others but sadly it isn't , maybe when an alcoholic makes progress it is noticeable but those who are AFFECTED by it it seems you are just left to it and no one cares if you progress or not and all the focus is on the alcoholics progress not the ones who are affected by it and it has a profound affect in many ways but you are just left to deal with it , or not , but I have to progress for my own sake and just HOPE it has an affect on the possibility of me being able to have my GS in the future

I keep myself well for my sake AND his sake so I just hope it pays off!

It is frustrating when people don't see the good , only the bad but the bad is actually something which has been MISCONSTRUED and not the actual truth , it's like if I say the wrong WORD it is used against me or how I put things is taken in a completely different way than how I put it! lol

They have been asking me questions now on the contact visits like does my Grandson play on his own? Does he get bored? What does he do when you are busy with the housework? How do you know what he likes and doesn't like? How much is he on his ipad? Comments are made about how well the foster carer is doing with him and about this particular contact staffs previous job and what the clients she worked with did and said to her , she even told me about someone she knew who was an alcoholic and they tried to help her but couldn't ... I DON'T NEED THIS PERSONAL INFORMATION thank you , NONE of the other staff QUESTIONED us at all let alone so much they just left us to it and took notes ie they were professional , this one chats to us throughout the visit about all sorts of stuff and I don't even understand what she is getting at with the questions

I can't and won't complain as it just causes more trouble for me and I don't have a choice in this whole process so I just have to bear with it and concentrate on spending time with my Grandson on my visit but they have given us this same woman every week now , my DD loves her because she is chatty - I find her extremely unprofessional and I don't trust her and what she is writing down in answer to her 'questions' and I don't understand WHY as NONE of the others EVER questioned us about my GS why this one does it? TBH She SPOILS the visits for me and that is the newest reason I have been upset recently and come home upset after the visit

She even told us she thinks she has ADHD!! She butts into mine and my DD's conversations with her 2 pence worth but I don't know why we have her every week now as we used to have some nice professional staff I felt COMFORTABLE with , this one is too much in your face and it is not her face I have come to see!

Hmmm some ADD/ADHD symptoms ;

frequently interrupt others or talk over them
have poor self-control
blurt out thoughts that are rude or inappropriate without thinking
talking excessively

She did not say she had been diagnosed with it she just told us she has been thinking about some of the things she does recently and thinks she could have it

But I feel that is one of the many inappropriate things she has actually TOLD us or discussed with us at a CONTACT visit?!!

Thanks for the staff member which makes an already difficult time just being watched and having notes taken of everything we say and do even MORE difficult and extremely uncomfortable - I am going to IGNORE her and concentrate and focus on my GS & my DD can chat away to her if she wants but that is NOT what I am there for and I am beginning to find it extremely annoying , but at least my DD and her can chat away while I am playing happily with my GS!

Just another wee problem to add to the others xx

I could do without it though!! x

Been thinking I might actually write a letter to the manager and make a complaint and ask that the contact worker we have be CHANGED

It is up to him then if he has a word with her or whatever but I would rather not have my ONE short visit a week with my GS SPOILT by her

I think it is one of the reasons I have been feeling a bit down this week as I feel powerless which is a horrible feeling anyway and I suppose we have to get whatever member of staff we are given BUT I am NOT happy with this one and it is not fair it is making me miserable in what is already a difficult situation and ALL I currently have is those 2 precious hours with my GS once a week!!!!!!!!!

To have even THAT spoilt or made unenjoyable is very upsetting to say the least!!!!

A key point is that your GS "loves her" and your DD can "chat away with her". Sounds like she is doing pretty much what her manager would want her to ie form a positive relationship with the main foci of the work ie your GS and DD. If you complain you could turn an unwelcome spotlight on yourself

If I read you right Nannynoo, this person who chats away is not the foster carer, but is some sort of social worker who is observing your visits.

It does seem odd that she is talking so much during the visit as she can't possibly see how you and your DD and GS interact together while she is interrupting.

Can you hold off making any complaint or comment for a bit and just do as you said - ignoring her and letting your DD chat away - and maybe you will be given someone else soon.

It can be really hard, as you've found, to know what is the "right" thing to do from the point of view of people in authority.

I think all you can do is try to make your visits as enjoyable as you can for your GS and yourself. Help him to understand that he always has your attention, at the times when you are there.

Can you ask her (with a smile) to sit back for a while and let you and DGs talk to one another direct, as you don't get much tome with him and conversation with her at the same time is a distraction? She may not be aware of how much she dominates the meeting, particularly if she does have DD/ADHD.

My GS doesn't 'love her' he ignores her lol

It's my DD who loves her as she is so chatty but I still feel it is TOO chatty and even my DD is not focusing on my GS like she used to in her visits if she is just observed

I don't mind a bit of friendliness but this is OTT

I shouldn't have to come home in tears and she is very much spoiling my visits with my GS

The fact that my DD likes her in my opinion is not a GOOD thing , it is like a social event , she gets to sit and chat about all sorts and does not have to interact as much as she usually has to during the visits

I don't think it is fair that I feel 'powerless' and I am still A CLIENT and they are still providing a service

The feeling of powerlessness was actually making me feel depressed

I should not have to be fighting off depression every week after a visit which is hard enough as I have to say goodbye to him every week and watch him walk away

If at least the visit is a pleasant one that keeps me going as THAT IS ALL I GET those 2 PRECIOUS hours with him and it is not fair or acceptable that I don't get to enjoy them as much as I am being bombarded with questions and being drawn into conversations I don't want to have

A happy Grandmother or Mother = A happy child and I do not want this to impact on my Grandson or have to be TENSE around him , it is tense enough being WATCHED and written about but this is ridiculous! LOL

I don't think I am willing to put up and shut up ... If it was just an occasional visit we had her for that would be FINE but we get her every single week now and to just sit and hope every week at the beginning of the visit that we ''don't get her'' only for my heart to sink yet again when she walks through the door , it is getting too much now

SHE is the one being unprofessional so why would I be the one doing something wrong if I complained???

If complaining is seen as me doing something wrong then there is something wrong! lol

They are a PROFESSIONAL body and I am sure the staff are expected to behave in a professional way and not disclose a lot of information about their own life or their personal dealings with alcoholics or the whole jumbled conversations I ''have'' to endure while I am TRYING to spend some QUALITY time with my GS who I only see once a week as it is

If I go into a depression over this due to feeling it is forced on me and there being absolutely nothing I can do about it because I am COMPLETELY POWERLESS and it gets me down then I am of no use to my GS then as it is!!!

I am battling all along to keep myself well and I feel well when I have some esteem and worth and SOME power in this at least and like I said I am still a CLIENT of this SERVICE surely???

So don't "put up and shut up" Nannynoo This time is for you and your grandson to interact and bond, not for her to socialise with you. Fair enough for her to take notes (discreetly) and ask you a few questions but to monopolise the meeting is to prevent it being what it is meant to be.

I wouldn't make a big thing of it immediately with her bosses, though.

As she is so ready to chat, talk to her a bit when you first get there and ask her to be as unobtrusive as she can, because you have not seen him for a while and you find it hard to concentrate on HIM while you are distracted by what she is saying. Try not to fall out with her over it as she will be noting down your conversation!

If she takes the hint, good. If she remembers the next time and takes the hint again, all the better. If she still just can't help talking constantly, then perhaps she is not listening to her clients, in that case her bosses may think she should be with a different kind of case.