commitment

Ethel, I have been child minder to several of our grandchildren. Holidays were always when we wanted them to be, but we had to inform the parents well in advance, usually a few months, so that they could arrange to be off work themselves. We couldn`t just up and go though, as your daughter`s MIL seems to be doing, it wouldn`t have been fair.

Hard to say ethel. Some grandparents want to make the most of their lives and some people have much more than one holiday a year. However, I reckon that if you have committed to babysitting/childcare you should stick to what you have actually agreed. Booking spur of the moment hols seems a bit inconsiderate under the circumstances though. I don't suppose anyone thought you'd be so seriously unwell :best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley! Its up to your DD to organise cover-you concentrate on getting better

part of the problem is, as well as lack of notice, there isn't anyone else to childmind so the MIL is effectively putting my DD out of a job as her holiday entitlement will run out and theres no way she can afford private childcare. I rally do think that grandparents who childmind should put themselves last for the few years it takes for the little ones to grow up to school age.
Also DD would have to have childcare from about 7am to about 6pm as she has almost a 2 hour commute both ways. I just wish I could help out it s so frustrating.

Is there a SIL to share the care for his kids?

jane, SIL has problems getting time off he ahs to ask weeks in advance. I refer to him as SIL although he is DD partner, its easier to type SIL and MIL than partners mother etc.

I care for my 4 DGCs as a commitment. I look after two DGCs before school , one all day and all four after school 2 x weekly. If DH and I want a holiday we try to give as much notice as possible and DDs understand that we are likely to take holidays. One DD is lucky as she has two other sets of grandparents & step grandparents nearby to help out with sufficient notice. Other DD is a teacher so cannot take time off in term time..we try to minimise being away in term time but cannot guarantee this. She books her girls into extra before/after school clubs or, if it is only a couple of days can usually find a friend to have them. As I only have the little one all day ion two days it is not too complicated to sort. I guess it all depends on how the arrangement is set up. Communication makes all the difference! Seems a bit thoughtless not to give a bit more notice!

Oh dear. This is why , even though family, some sort of agreement should be drawn up and agreed as far as child care is concerned. I can see that a sudden plans to take a holiday can cause problems but in general I do feel that parents must take responsibility for sorting child care and not expect others to alter their lives to suit them.

I agree, ginny.

DD books time off herself if we give her plenty of notice. Other GP' s live abroad so no help there.

ginny is right, some kind of agreement is needed for any family friend or relation who regularly cares for children. ethel, if the mil can afford regular holiday (good luck to her and no criticism from me), could she afford to contribute towards replacement child care? I know a number of friends who don't live geographically close enough to help with child care, but contribute the cost of say a days child care for grandchildren.

I can totally see the point of an agreement. I am amazed at how much caring grandparents do these days and I wonder if MIL was feeling taken for granted etheltbags.

the MIL never seems to think about anyone else, I gave her my phone no. when we started childminding so we could communicate but she never gave me hers and most of the time she doesn't speak when I hand little one over on the day we share the care.
I am quite happy to promise no holidays until DGD is in school, or at least the most I would do is a short weekend from sat until Monday (days when I don't look after dGD).
Why do people prioritise holidays so much, I have never had a 2 week holiday in my life even when my DH was alive and we both worked and could afford it, I find them boring and im glad to get home, childminding is so much more prefereable

When we are back in UK we live in the annex of DS house but it is never assumed we will be available for childcare, although almost always say yes when asked. Other grandparents ( DiL mother and her husband and father and his wife) and us are always asked if and when we can look after the children (3 and 5), take them to and from school/nursery and look after them in the holidays, and often work it out between ourselves. The six of us grandparents have always helped when we can and I am glad to say have never been taken for granted as it was made clear at the very beginning that we have done the children bit and now need to be free to do our own thing.

the point that I am making is that once committed to childminding, unless health reasons the grandparent should stay committed and arrange holidays at a time agreed with the parents. If a grandparent would prefer to have lots of holidays they should say so at the beginning and the parents would make other arrangements.

Our son and his wife have never asked us to make a commitment on childcare, but we do help out when an emergency arises. My DiL doesn't work but has some sport commitments which mean our younger GS needs babysitting, or the older one collecting from school. My DD, on the other hand, is about to become a single mother and will be returning to work for two days a week after 9 months maternity leave. She plans to place her child in a local nursery and has not once asked us to take on the childcare because she knows I have health problems. It may be that we will offer to look after her child, even if just for one day a week, to help her out financially, but we will play this by ear.
I do think, etheltbags that your DD's MiL is being incredibly selfish in this particular instance, bearing in mind that she must know you are not in a position to help at the moment. You would think she could just this once sacrifice her holiday plans and step into the breach. Not only is she causing problems for your DD and SiL, but she's causing you stress at a time when you could really do without it.

I agree with that etheltbags. It's like any commitment; if you take it on you have a responsibility to stick with it unless your circumstances change. If you don't want to take it on be clear about that at the outset. Or if you find you don't like it once you've tried it, be clear about that as well. It's not fair to mess about when someone is depending on you and when the other person involved in childcare is recovering from a serious illness.

I'm with you on this one ethel We looked after the first of our GC three days a week until she went to school, when we took and picked up until she went to secondary school. We arranged holidays around our DinL's holidays and never took any other holidays outside that arrangement. We had made a commitment and we stuck to it. I have warned others thinking of taking it on just how hard it is. Before anyone asks, my S and DiL separated before GD was 2 and as far as childcare went, both he and her parents, bring chocolate teapots to mind.

I too agree with Ethel - a commitment is just that. In my case both my DD and DiL work in schools and there is no way they can take time off.

It sounds as if you are a very responsible grandmother Ethel. It's hard enough for families these days without their childcare arrangements being disrupted.

I have brought my GD up since the age of 4my daughters child ,who passed away,my son is in a relationship with a lovely young woman who has a child from her previous relationship ,she works p/t but would unable to afford childcare so I have made that commitment to have her 12 hours on Saturdays and fit in with her mums working patterns during week,having made that commitment, I work my arrangements around that commitment,they are trying for a child and we have already discussed any childcare I would be willing to give.

just to clarify my DD passed away not GD..she is now 16 and sitting her English GCSE as we speak ..

So is mine downtoearth good luck to them both and all the others doing so. She is with us for a few days while Mum is in Ireland at a funeral so we are still first port of call.

I agree that if you have made an arrangement for child care then it should be honoured. That is where making ground rules that both sides understand is vital.

This raises so many issues.

How many holidays ?? We take as many as we can fit in and afford, at 70 how many more years will I be able to drive and tour Britain ? We have 3 booked so far this year. (4 if you count a week cat-sitting)

Would we give up a booked holiday, only if it were very important, we do tend to book most of our trips via Premier Inns that can be cancelled a 12 hours notice.

Do I think children should rely on GPs for child-minding, NO, they need to organize their lives without reliance on GPs. Our daughter was relying on us for some while (it is a 270 mile round trip). When we were unable to help due to surgery, she did manage to organize an alternative and does so now whenever she can.

When we have immovable stuff booked we let our children know asap so that they can put it in their dairies. They also now give us as much notice as possible. Our next trip to Leicester will be to cat-sit !!!!

pompa while I can see your point I must point out that my DD cannot afford to work without free childcare and only grandparents can provide this, the state provides some but their joint income is in excess of the limit therefore she must use GPs. It would be cheaper to simply give up her job, then she would have complications as she would be living on her partners wage, something she will not do as they are both independent.

also none of us wanted our DGD to be brought up with strangers no matter how good they are, she has only ever been left with GPs or her parents.