Gransnet forums


First time as grandparent and daughter lost her baby.

(38 Posts)
Washerwoman Mon 22-Jun-15 16:59:02

Very early days I know. And my first post on Gransnet but I thought I was in no rush to be a grandma having had a few very busy and stressful years with all sorts of ups and downs with elderly parents,work and life in general.It was something to look forward to hopefully but honestly didn't think any of my 3 daughters was planning to start a family just yet.But then my middle daughter announced she was pregnant,after a couple of health scares herself and her partner losing his dad at a young age they had decided they didn't want to wait and wanted to be youngish parents and get on with it.
When she told me all of a sudden both myself and my DH were completely thrilled.Suddenly it all made sense,and her sisters were equally excited.
But very sadly at her 12 week scan she has just found out the baby died about 2 weeks ago,and tomorrow goes in for an evacuation.She's heartbroken,but very stoic and practical.And as a former midwife I know all too well how common miscarriage is.Especially in first pregnancies.
But I do feel I'm grieving this little baby very keenly.That's all really.And I know many more grandparents will have had to support their children through miscarriages and much later,and more complex situations.
My daughter doesn't want to let any but the few people who knew about her pregnancy know about her miscarriage at this stage - and that includes my very elderly but mentally with it mum- and I totally respect her wishes.But I'm finding it hard not to confide in my mum.I won't .So just wanted to sound off somewhere.Thanks for reading.

TriciaF Tue 23-Jun-15 14:23:10

It's very hard, Washerwoman, but as others have said, your daughter is still young, and there's a good chance she will be successful next time.
Our eldest daughter also had a miscarriage at 12 weeks or so, and the disappointment was so hard to bear, for her especially, as she was no longer young.
We tend to forget what a miracle every full term normal birth is.

elena Tue 23-Jun-15 14:46:23

Washerwoman, so very sad for you sad

Life is full of sadness sometimes - makes the joys all the more joyful, I suppose.

kittylester Tue 23-Jun-15 15:02:20

Very true elena.

Washerwoman Tue 23-Jun-15 15:20:11

So many responses.Im genuinely touched.Nonnie your experience and strength are inspirational.Soutra and everyone thank you again.
DD is currently in a side ward in our local general hospital.When she arrived for the procedure yesterday they hadn't got her notes and there had been a mix up,and initially were going to give her tablets and send her home.But she stood her ground and insisted on being admitted,which she was this morning.Iv'e spoken to her twice today at length and she is sick and having cramps but still not through it yet.Unbelievably after her scan last week when she was told the baby had died she received a generic text on arrival home asking her on a scale of 1-5 to rate her hospital experience.Crass and insensitive to say the least !She is a nurse herself and intends to make her feelings known about this.
We move on tomorrow to the second part of our two centre holiday,and I'm wanting to go home see her then set off again.About 6 hour round trip so perfectly do-able,but she absolutely insists we don't.He partner is with her but will need to work later in the week ,but she has her friend to call on.
We live literally round the corner so once we return I can really look after them both,nice meals and such ,and part of me feels they need to be together as a couple to grieve ,especially for her partner as I think men often feel useless at times like this.Will have another chat with her this evening ,and hopefully she will be home.

PRINTMISS Tue 23-Jun-15 15:29:03

This really sad story and those which have been told bring out the best in Gransnetters who are all there for the sad and unhappy people, and although we all grieve in different ways, the support is always welcome, isn't it? Take care washerwoman, and best wishes to you for the future when you arrive home to take care of your daughter.

Nonnie Tue 23-Jun-15 15:54:21

I hope that one day we will hear from you that she has had a happy and successful pregnancy but, in the meantime, heartfelt wishes that she finds a way to cope. She is lucky to have you.

Deedaa Tue 23-Jun-15 20:31:48

I'm so sorry washerwoman you must feel so heartbroken and disappointed. I know it was early days but you can't help building up a picture of the baby and imagining what life will be like with it and the loss is very real.

Washerwoman Tue 23-Jun-15 22:10:21

We've decided to go home in the morning.I simply need to hold her.She's been kept in overnight and may need a blood transfusion as she bled so much.So when she's safe home we will continue onto a curtailed second week away - but it's only a holiday after all.I'm very grateful for the support from you lovely ladies and hope before too long I will be back to chat about happier events.x

Judthepud2 Tue 23-Jun-15 22:48:24

Sympathies to you and your DD. My DD1 had 2 missed miscarriages and DD2 had one. DIL has just had an ectopic pregnancy with her first baby and is still emotionally wobbly so I have some insight into want you may be going through. The fact that it was to be your first GC is particularly sad and you must be grieving yourself. Sounds like you needed to go home and give your DD some TLC.

Thinking of you both and hoping your DD recovers from the procedure soon.

GG62 Wed 01-Jul-15 20:46:09

Feel for you washerwoman.My DD suffered 2 'silent'miscarriages and was devastated.However,she started a blog and made contact with many women who were going through the same thing. Through someone who responded to her blog she heard about Sticky Blood Syndrome.She was tested and found to have the condition! The doctor advised her to take an aspirin a day during her next pregnancy,which she did.She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 8 months ago!
I hope all goes well for your daughter next time.

rosesarered Wed 01-Jul-15 20:58:21

Washerwoman , so sorry to hear it doesn't matter how common this is, when it happens to you it feels like the end of the world for a while.Glad that you found Gransnet to get things off your chest.

Luckygirl Wed 01-Jul-15 21:36:15

My DD had a similar sort of loss with her first pregnancy - a "missed abortion" as it is known. I was so distressed, both for her and on our own behalf. I do understand how sad it is for you. flowers