Jealous of ex husbands wife as grandparent to my grandchildren.

How would you feel if your ex husband felt the same way about your husband? And didn't want him to have a relationship with the grandchildren but he has no problem with his wife being close to them?

Just keep reminding yourself of that.

My ex never remarried bu, infuriatingly, he did manage to emigrate to New Zealand a year before I did together with absenthusband. Jealousy was not the problem but there was a certain level of discomfort on my part as I always felt defensive whenever we met – both in England (we lived a few minutes' walk from each other) and here when he first moved to NZ and I was visiting nearly four years ago when my third grandson was born. I thought about this and decided it was my problem, not his, so the solution was mine to find. I addressed my "issues" and, after a few twitches, all is now well and perfectly friendly.

When the first grandchild was born (nearly 14 years ago), my ex issued a dictat that absenthusband could not, under any circumstances, be called grandad, grandpa, gramps or any other grandfatherly name. Rather than argue, absenthusband just stuck with his given name and now all is well and my husbands (don't you love it) are very amicable.

Where I am going is to suggest that you just think about the general scheme of things. The relationship your grandchildren have with other members of the family – blood relatives or otherwise – has nothing to do with how they feel about you and you feel about them. In the words of Nike – just do it. Good luck.

Kudos, hapgran, for realizing you're "being unreasonable!" That's half the battle won, IMO.

As you probably know, however, it's harder for us to control how we feel than to control how we act. You may always experience a pang or two when you see your ex' wife with your grands or hear them mention her name, and so forth. You may just have to keep any sign of your feelings in check.

IMO. the other ladies gave you good advice. Just want to add that it might help to think of ex' wife as "another person to give love to my GC." If you focus on what your GC are getting instead of what ex' wife is getting (a chance to be close to the GC), you may feel a lot better.

Thank you - I found all your advice really helpful and just what I needed to hear!

My DGD had two DGF and their other DGM's partner (they never married) who was simply known by his Christian name. He probably saw more of the DGD than their paternal DGF and he did spoil them, but they loved them both.
Sadly, their paternal DGF and their DGM's partner have both died, but the DGD (who are still very young) just remember them both with affection and chat about them often.
Perhaps if the step-gran and step-grandad are known by their first names it would help? All that matters is that the DGC are loved.

Yes - the step-gran and step-grandad are known by their first names, which will help eventually but grandchildren too young to appreciate the difference at the moment! You are right, Jalima, that all that matters is that they are loved. I think I had lost touch with that important truth.

Hi, I have read this with interest. I am a very new granny to DD1's son We are very much a blended family. My ex and I were divorced 15 years ago after a 17 year marriage which produced 4 children. He is now in a civil partnership with a man he has known for almost as long. I remarried last year and have two step-sons.
Re new grandson, my husband is happy to be known by his Christian name. The partner of my ex claimed the title granddad without any asking / discussion with my DD and SIL - hugely irritating to me, but it is not my argument ... as long as the child grows up loved, I think that is what matters most. However I do feel sensitivity should have been exercised and my DD and SIL consulted.

My children and now their children call grandparents as gran/first name. Two of my grandsons share a mother but have different fathers, so we have 3 grandmothers before any 'step' type relatives enter the picture.
I don't mind what the children call me but I do feel being a granny is such a key thing I'd like that title to be included.

As I said to my son "a child can never have enough lovely grandmas and grandpas"

My DGC have eight grandparents/ step grandparents as each of us has divorced and re-married or partnered. When the eldest GC was born my DD asked each of us what we'd like to be called and if two chose the same they simply added a name or other defining feature. My SIL's mother rang me to check what I wanted to be called so that we weren't the same but there is no distinction been GPs and steps. We just think that they are lucky to be surrounded by so many people to love (and spoil) them!

my husband has been a step father to my daughter since she was 14 & is dearly loved by her. He is very much a hands on 'grandpa' & my ex is also a beloved 'granddad' to her children. Children don't differentiate - they love us all. Someone once said the capacity for love is not finite - & I know that my life is enriched by the more people I have to love & be loved by.

I am sorry that you are experiencing feelings of jealousy hapgran - feelings are not always logical. However the gc are very lucky to have two sets of grandparents sharing in their care & you could try to start to view your ex husbands wife as someone who has the best interests of your gc at heart as you do. Maybe you could even think about sharing some anecdotes about the gc together. You will both have some. She is a potential friend not a rival.

I am in the position of the new wife and have a good relationship with my "step grandchildren". I don't know if the real grandmother feels like you do and don't much care. However, I do feel pangs regarding my own grandchildren and my ex-husband's partner's relationship with them, I just have to get over it.

Two of my GCs have a multiplicity of GPs and one GGM. Three GPs have remarried (I haven't). I am Granny A, then there's Granny E and her husband, Grandad J and his wife, GGM is simply Granny. My ex and his wife live thousands of miles away so don't have any real relationship with them. However, none of us live close to them. I'm at the only one in the same country, albeit a four hour train journey away; all the others are across the sea in NI. I'm the one who sees most of them, so if anyone has cause to be at all jealous, it's Granny E but I am sure she isn't.

When my first gs appeared I was told by SiL that my new (recent) partner could not be grandad gramps or similar but after a10 yr apprenticeship the gc themselves have voted to use the name Poppi as he has been such a good grandfather to them. So things usually turn out for the best in the end.
I must say though that we were both choked when the boys came and told us of this momentous and pleasing decision.

my husband remarried after we divorced 20 years ago and, like hapgran, wasn't particularly happy when grandaughters went to visit them [husband and i had a daughter and son and he produced two more daughters after getting remarried].

my daughter now works "with" her stepmother - assistant manager in a charity shop but they alternate days so don't meet up too often.

however, my grandaughters refer to her as "stannakaren" - contracted from stepmother karen i presume.

i'm quite happy with my name - pannypat - which stuck after my eldest grandaughter couldn't pronounce granny pat!

my partner [who doesn't live with me as daughter and her daughters moved in with me when her marriage broke down - complicated isn't it!!] is referred to by his christian name and we're quite happy with that.

so all in all everyone has a name they're happy with - and there's no confusion. at least i hope there isn't!!

our family must be so confusing to my grandchildren. their biological GF, my first ex, is Grandpa New York and his third wife is Christian name, second ex is christian name, I am Grandma to one family and Granny Frog to the other ( DIL's DM is Granny Pasty) which gives our geographic location - decided on over a bottle of bubbles the day after she was born and it's stuck! my now partner is Uncle Grumps.

Name wise it has to be what the children are comfortable with, and most important of all is how they are treated by non biological grandparents - as long as they are loved and have a super time with whoever nothing else matters. As long as that is paramount I personally don't have a problem with any good relationship any of my grandchildren have with anyone.

Well said 'takingthemick'

I had two stepparents, (because each of my parents remarried) and they were always called by their first names, both by me and my sibling, and our children. I think that was a sign of those times - when family structures were seen as more "rigid" than they are today. When my first GC was born, my husband and I were touched when DS said that he and DDiL would like my husband (DS's stepfather) to be called Grandpa. I agree with Annifrance - but I think that - initially at least, before the CH are old enough to choose - the name has to be something the child's parents are comfortable with. I've always been "grandma" but more recently my DGD sometimes calls me "Granny" - not my favourite title, but I've got used to it!

I have also married for a 2nd time & we got over the name problem for my very young grandchildren by having them call my 2nd husband 'Grumpy' (cos he is!!) Gives them endless inspiration at Christmas as there are lots of little items for 'grumpy old men'! And it leaves Grandpa for the biological one

Surely, a child can only have two grandmothers, and two grand -fathers? That title is very specific, and indicates a blood tie to
a child.
Family relationships are becoming more and more
complicated.
Possibly we could try to find a new name for
step-Grans and step-Grandpas
Any suggestions?

That is the narrow definition, but with second marriages a child can have endless step-grandmothers and grandfathers. I know a child with five grandmothers and half-a-dozen great-aunts - all of whom spoil him something rotten.

Just think about it from the child's point of view- the more people who love them the better.
My children have 'extra' grandparents which is lovely for them and the grandparents and luckily no one has seen in it other than a positive way. Love for one person doesn't take it away from another.

All the above messages show wisdom and I think that a child cannot have too many people loving them. My problem is that my son's first wife took our first GS away when he was 7 and we've not seen him since. It broke my heart. I am sure he got love from his mother's family but he missed out on all the love we could have given him. I have more grandchildren now but I still miss my first.

I don't agree with Leonora, I think that the children are blissfully unaware of all the nuances of adult relationships and thus why not multiple grandparents. Sad for the steps- to be excluded as in our case they love them just as much as the biologicals. We have 2 granddad's thousands in miles apart, a grampy, a Val, a Nanny and a nonna and the DGC enjoy us all

Leonora - nope, children simply can't have too many loving grandparents. Life is different now than it was when I was a small child. I was very lucky to have 4 grandparents until I was a young adult. My own grandchildren have a collection of what you refer to as "blood tie" relatives, one of whom is a birth / blood father who walked away when his child was 2 and has not contributed financially or emotionally since then. That little boy was lucky enough to have a step father and various step aunties/uncles/cousins that made sure he had good male role models.
We should embrace the positives and not look for new names for 'step' relatives, just embrace the fact many of them are an entirely Good Thing for the children.