Jealous of ex husbands wife as grandparent to my grandchildren.

That is so sad ethelbags. You would actually differentiate between 2 children because one had a different mother? Living in the same home? So if you were all together at Christmas there would be no gift for the other child? If you went out all together you would treat one child but not the other?

I'm sorry, but I couldn't do that .

suzied, your MIL is behaving dreadfully. Most families have "step" siblings these days. None of the children involved that I know refer to their 'step" or "half" brothers and sisters as anything other than "my brother" or "my sister"

Has anyone been brave enough to ask your MIL to behave herself?!

Good to see most posters happy to love children in their extended/blended or whatever families and not too bothered what the grandparents are called.

No, nannaandgrampy, I would not have children in the same house at Christmas and no present for one and presents for the other as you say. You are making me into a monster. I have said that I couldn't love a step grandchild (too old for a stepchild now) as I love my own. I would not be unfair at a time when presents are given, I would give to them both but maybe spend more on my own gc. In this question Im thinking more about families that live apart like the example I quoted above, each gran gave to her own gc. I would, for instance leave an inheritance to my own blood relation rather than the 'step' child as has been done for hundreds of years in this country.

I refer to my half sister as my 'half' sister because that is what she is.
I referred to my step father as 'step' to be correct. I do however, think the age of the children concerned matters as someone adopting a tiny baby who would be brought up as their own would be different.

You may not agree but that's the idea behind a discussion we all say our different opinions and hopefully don't get shouted down by others bullying posts

I'm sorry if you think my post was bullyingethelbags1 , that was not my intention, merely to disagree with your comments, which as you say you rightly point out is the point of discussion. For all sides of a subject to be examined.

I definitely don't agree with you and voiced that , not to 'bully' you but to state my point of view. As I see it , it's all about seeing a scenario from different sides of the fence.

I agree but its difficult to see all sides of the matter. I feel that some people twist my words. Equally I maybe don't express myself as well as I might have done. I do know several people who don't care as much for their step grandchildren as they do for their own, I just thought it was normal.

I can see that some people don't care as much for step grandchildren, but I wouldn't call it normal.
My children may be half siblings but they would never, ever say anything other than 'my brother' because that is what they are. In the same way my husband says 'our' sons because we are a family. We would all look in confusion if anyone tried to say differently.

I have had a later life second marriage and therefore inherited adult stepsons. I have three grownup children of my own. My stepsons live 300 miles away so we do not see them as much as my own children, but when visits take place they come to stay for days. I want them to feel they are part of my family and I want my partner to know that in loving him, I am opening my heart to them to. I would never discriminate between them and my own children in terms of gifts or need for support.

There is a tacit understanding between me and my husband that in times of need, which inevitably arise, we will both sometimes need to put our children first. At present my husband is being understanding and supportive on the home front as I am spending time away visiting my daughter and new GS. Eighteen months ago, his younger son needed to come and stay for six months.

I cannot comprehend drawing a deliberate distinction between my children and my step children. My own children are secure and very welcoming of their step-siblings and exchange gifts and messages through the year.

I am also very fortunate in my 'new' MIL. She has embraced me and sends my children cards and presents and invites them to her home.

This might all sound very cosy - I could not have married someone with different attitudes. I have always felt that the right man for me would need to love my children too, knowing that that is what /i would give in return. I am not saying it has been easy - but coming with an open attitude and cultivating relationship, trust and hopefully a firm sense of belonging for the future just seems the right thing to do and has many rewards.

That sounds like a very good balance Imperfect

I just wonder what the first wife and mother of the children thinks when the new step-mum claims the children as 'hers'?
In the same way my husband says 'our' sons because we are a family
You may love them the same as your own, but they are another woman's sons and if she is still alive that could be hurtful to think you had taken them over completely.

DH's father died, his mother remarried and they had another child. DH had a very good relationship with his step-father but called him 'Pop', not 'Dad'. His half-brother is just 'my brother', we never think of him as a half-brother.

I quite agree with Leonora.
Two grandmothers and two grandfathers only.
It is an honour to be a grandparent and the title should only be used for the birth mothers and fathers of the new parents.
Relationships are complex for young children who often struggle with the concept that their own mummy also has a mummy!
Were I a stepmother myself,i would,t dream of adopting the name of grandma.That is an honour for the first wife in recognition of her having given birth to her daughter (the new mum).

I understand you - but from the opposite perspective. I'm the stepgrandmother, and it's a pretty relevant topic for me, as GD (18 mos.) is being baptised this weekend, and it will be the first time that all of the grandparents (4 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers!) will be interacting.
When GD was born, I was uneasy about how to handle things, as I know I am not her 'real' grandmother. I also worried about jealousy on the part of my husband's ex-wife. And wondered how GDs parents were going to categorise me, which would definitely affect the relationship we are allowed to have with her (because Mum and Dad always hold the reins when it comes down to it). I've taken an intentionally passive position, although I would so love to give more of myself to GD. Usurping 'real Grandma's' is the farthest thing from my mind. Maybe your ex-husband's wife feels the same?
At any rate, I was thrilled, relieved and also surprised when the invitation was addressed to 'Opa and Nana'. The difference in our 'positions' has been made semantically clear and at the same time expresses acceptance.
I'm still a bit nervous about the weekend, but I am optimistic as well - and I hope GD's Oma feels equally as optimistic!

I was concerned about what I should be called when my DH's daughter gave birth, but both her and her partner just automatically assumed that I too would be Nanny. Personally I'd prefer something else but I'm happy that they do not differentiate between their own mothers and me as far as the baby is concerned. Regarding loving "someone else's child", I absolutely love this little boy, even if I have no blood ties to him. I feel privileged to be a part of his life.

I had half siblings but we never used the term "half" when referring to each other. Our parents taught us not to as they felt there were negative connotations to it.

However, I don't think the word should matter - it's the feelings that count. We all loved each other very much though, of course, we had our childish squabbles and so forth.

As for SGC, I think it's possible to love them, but I get that some people don't. Nor do I think that matters as long as you (general GP/SGP) treat them equally. What's in your heart is for you alone to know.

Ethel, if you would spend more on your own GC, I trust it wouldn't be obvious, especially not to the kids. Or if you gave yours additional Christmas gifts, for example, it would be on a separate day, not when all were together. I don't think it's what I would do, but as long as the SC don't know, I don't see how it could hurt them.

Hapgran, it may help to think of your situation from your GC's standpoint - more love can't hurt! But even if you never fully get past those jealous feelings, as long as you don't act on them, I think you'll be ok. Best of luck!

ethelbags people are touchy on GN. I often let my thoughts go when I write a post and then I delete it when I consider others might take offence.
In a patchwork family where there are the true full blooded children and another who perhaps has another father, then it is cruel to refer to her as half-sister. We have half-sisters in our family but they never refer to each other in that way. they have grown up together and share the same mother or father and that is very strong genetic link.
The same goes for the GPs. They would be amazed later on when they are in care, that the step GC is caring for them later and their 'own' has no time. This happens

I think my granddaughter in NZ is fortunate that she has a neighbour (of my age) who has co-opted her as an additional grandchild - I'm delighted that there will be a 'granny' figure in her life as I'm too far away to be a hands-on grandmother to her myself.

I'm really glad that my family has very loose boundaries so that people are easily incorporated. Blended families are pretty much the norm these days and throw fostered and adopted (as we have both in my family) children into the mix and it just makes for a very merry party when we all get together. One of my grandsons has a different grandparent for every day of the week and a few spares too if we're counting great-grandparents, but all he knows is that there are people around him who love him and none of them discriminates between him and his brother - even though they have different fathers.

I must admit I don't really 'get' the whole blood tie thing. Perhaps it's because I grew up with (half) brothers and sisters and just unthinkingly accepted them as family. I love my husband's parents as if they were my own and they treat their adopted grandchildren exactly the same as the ones who are blood relatives; i.e. with love and affection.

GA, what a beautiful post!

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I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. You are the mother of the parent and the grandmother of the grandchildren. The new spouse has NO place in the lives of either, other than as an appendage to the parent/grandparent they are married to. If they caused the divorce of the parents, they have no place in the family at all. A child has TWO parents and a grandchild has FOUR grandparents, being the parents of their mother and father. Everyone else is immaterial. I find it shameful that any person thinks that they can usurp/fill/enhance the role of parent/grandparent.

This thread is from 2016!

Mariemal55 this is a very old thread, though I am sure it is a very real issue for many families. I find your attitude is unrealistic. My grandchildren have not only four grandparents, but several extra ones, too complicated to explain. Most of these are called by their first names, but they are loved by them all. The “ extras” are not usurping anyone’s place, they are bringing extra love, gifts, support in whatever way may arise. I am the only one who is really close, both geographically and emotionally, and I do not resent them in any way.

Oh, these second wives that are determined to be Grandma.
I am watching a second wife force her way into her husband's grandchildren's lives, despite his children disliking her intensely.
She had a fling while grandpa while he was still married, persuaded him to leave his wife, (he thought he was no end of a dog) but because he felt guilty he promised 1st wife could keep the house, with swimming pool. 2nd wife, despite having inherited a huge amount of money from her first husband and having a very good income from her high-flying job, insisted the house, and pool, were sold and he kept half. First wife settled in very small house, 2nd wife then insists on having a large swimming pool built, 'for the grandchildren' and if the adult children wish to see their father they have to visit his home, (he is now ill with dementia) and are not allowed to see him without the grandchildren and 2nd wife present. Calls herself Grandma . Cunning or what.

I learned all this from a lady sitting next to me telling me about her lovely neighbours and how romantic it was when they fell in love; they were both single and found each other. I greatly enjoyed telling her the truth, and how much distress this woman has caused the entire family, apart from Grandpa, of course.

I am imagining the gc in question would now be teenagers? Still, I would love to know how the original poster now views the situation and if her perspective has shifted. Just curious.