Husbands unacceptable behaviour towards my grandchildren.

I've known him as a friend for years so not a new relationship. It's very difficult to work out how to do what I need to do. There no choice to be made between husband and family - family wins hands down every time. I think I'll talk to my sons about it and see if we can work out what to do for the best.
Again, thank you all for your very helpful comments, I appreciate them very much indeed, thank you. X

Stay strong Miss. All the best to you and your family.

has he changed lately all of a sudden? Is he drinking? Or could it be Alzheimer's? Fits of rage and chanfge in personality, tolerance, coud be signs.

I am so sorry you are facing that impossible (but as you say, clear) choice.

Thinking of you Miss2Mrs. Hope your sons can support you. Let us know how things work out. Does he have children/GC? Is he jealous when you are giving others attention?

I'd be absolutely straight with him. This behaviour has to STOP, his criticism behind closed doors has to stop, and he has to agree to go to counselling IF he wants to save the marriage. Or indeed if YOU want to save the marriage.

No IFS, no BUTS, no second chances.

I agree with Anya , first of all I think you need to sit down with him and in as calm a way as possible explain what the issues are from your point of view and explain what you want and why!

Then you need to listen . There's no excuses for his behaviour but there may be an explanation . You need to explain the consequences of a failure to improve his aggressive behaviours. And be pointedly clear. No maybes, no perhaps .

Then you need to decide IF you want a relationship together because you must both want it. If one or the other doesn't then it's over really.

Which is very sad but some relationships are just toxic sadly.

I hope you can work it out and that he wants to.

Yes, I wondered about dementia too, I was going to ask his age and if his behaviour has changed recently, but sadly age is no indicator
Has he got DC and DGC of his own?

Miss2Mrs I don't know how old your husband is but some people change as they get older and have a much shorter fuse.

I tend to agree with those who say his behaviour demonstrates a very bullying nature and a lack of consideration for you. Being unkind and rough with children - or anybody who is more vulnerable - is a very unpleasant personality trait and I think you realise that this is something which is unlikely to change.

This must be a very difficult time for you and I hope things work out in the end.

Poor you Miss2Mrs.

I have only just read this thread.
I didnt need to read past your first 3 lines.

I have no idea where you go from here, but probably other gransnetters can help you in that too.

Unless this man is deeply repentant and promises never to be nasty to any of your grandchildren again, I wouldn't even think of giving him another chance.

Even then, you may well find that your DGC's parents won't let them come near him.

I could easily visualise the scene at the car, as I was reading, and was so afraid you were going to say that your DGS had got hurt in some way. I wouldn't want those two little children to have anything to do with someone like that, and I can imagine how much more strongly their parents must feel about it.

Hear! Hear! To all postings-get shot of him now.

My husband loves his stepson and grandchildren as if they were his own (and they love him) - I could not have married anyone who did not feel that way. It was a non-negotiable requirement in a second husband. Actually he has far more patience that I do!

Throughout the day, my husband was getting frustrated and angry with him
It wasn't just the car incident though - it was all day long.
And then he drips insulting remarks into your ear about the other DGC.
He stomped off. Oh dear.

DH is more tolerant of the DGC than he was of the DC in fact.
He himself had a very nice step-father who married his DM when DH was 12 and he was very supportive of DH.

If you are living in the house that was yours before marriage you should have no hesitation in telling him to go, his behavior is completely unacceptable towards to innocent young children.

If the house is both of yours then you may find it more difficult, even more so if it was his home that you moved into.

My thoughts are with you in this terrible dilemma you are faced with. I really hope you can work it out.

How horrible for you Miss2Mrs. I agree with everyone else who has posted on here. No one should behave like this to young children. It is not acceptable under any circumstances. I too would suggest you make it clear to him that you love your family, that they come first and he needs to reconsider his behaviour which was intolerable.

Does he have any children/grandchildren of his own? If so, how does he treat them?

I have to say this is my biggest nightmare. My marriage came to an end 5 years ago and I am just coming to the point where I think I could move on if the right person came along. My darling grandson, aged 18 months, is the light in my life. I don't think I could expect a new partner to love him but I couldn't accept the situation if any partner didn't treat him with the care and concern we should show all children, regardless of who they belong to. I wish you luck in such a horrible situation xx

I would very rarely advise someone to leave a relationship but I think you must consider it very seriously. Although you have known this man for a long time did you really know what he was like? My grandfather was enormously popular but was a monster at home. Bad tempered and not above beating my mother.

Your poor little grandson must be terrified of him now and i certainly don't think he'd be safe with the baby. If you intend to speak to him about it I would be careful how you do it - you don't know what his reaction might be. You must certainly sit down and discuss the situation with your family. See how they really feel, even suggest it might be the onset of dementia or depression and see what they think.

(((Hugs)))

If you feel this is the onset of dementia, you need try to get DH to be checked out by his doctor. If it is dementia, be prepared for it to get worse/DH to get more belligerent. And you will clearly need to keep him away from your family, especially your GC, even if that means no more babysitting. But you'll also have to protect yourself by arranging for nurses or nurses aides to come to the house and so on. Though it's hard to leave someone with an illness, if there's no love left, you might want to get out, anyhow.

If it's just that he lacks patience with kids, it may be enough to keep him away from your grands/see your family without him. As PPs have said, the parents may not leave you much choice, anyway.

"... and doesn't care that this upsets and offends me."

But this part makes me feel that it's more than mere impatience. If he's not suffering from dementia, then it definitely sounds as if he has a bullying, abusive side to his nature. This, too, is likely to get worse with time. In that case, IMO, you need to leave, ASAP, no discussing it with him.

I hope you figure it all out soon.

Why the hell did you marry him? I wouldn't give him houseroom,the useless git.

To be blunt why are you with this horrible man?...your family are more important than this angry man.
Get rid, your family will support you and live your life without him

Mrs2Mrs I think you have made the right decision to end this marriage. Please don't feel bad about it - it is not your fault. Many of us have made the mistake of marrying someone who appears normal when "courting" and only shows their true aggressive and/controlling nature once they feel they have power and can get away with it.
They don't tend to improve. They tend to be experts at wheedling a "second chance" so don't be fooled. The behaviour to the children may be driven by jealousy which is a common feature in the abusive men. I hope you have the support you need during this difficult period.

What a horrible man! Get rid, as soon as possible.

I am very sorry to read this and agree with all the previous commenters. How hard for you. My heartfelt sympathies.

Hugs for you Miss2Mrs - what a horrid situation to find yourself in. Only you can decide what to do but one thing to consider is what will your life look like in 2 years time or 5 or 10 years time if this bullying behaviour continues? If you don't like the look of that potential future life then you need to take some action now - even though it would potentially would be very hard and upsetting.
The actions could be from getting your husband to get professional help regarding his behaviour or asking him to go and stay with friends and relatives if your grandchildren are staying with you right through to finishing the relationship ....only you can decide this. But doing nothing is not an option with what you describe. best wishes

Kick him to the kerb, and as fast as possible!