Husbands unacceptable behaviour towards my grandchildren.

It is difficult enough to sit down and discuss 'grumpy old man'behaviour (and this is it to the n'th degree) with a partner you have been with for many years .But with a fairly recent one.......Did no alarm bells ring when none of your family liked him?
.Something sems to get into a lot of men as they get older....feeling 'over the hill'maybe ?It's why a lot of my divorced or widowed friends wouldn't want to remarry .I think with a DH you have shared years of love and caring with it is possible to resolve In your case I'm not so sure .I'd he worried he'd turn on me next
I'd make sure you know your legal and financial position before rocking the boat

I sympathise as my own 2nd husband - who has no children of his own -used to be a bit stern with GC but never nasty. They actually adore him. I didn't like to see him telling them what to do though as he had a temper & could be quite 'loud'-I don't do shouting at children ( well I did mine when they were young - didn't we all at times-but not GC!!)
He was diagnosed with Bi-Polar & once that all got under control he changed a lot for the better following some difficult years as he has been mis-diagnosed with Clinical Depression & the meds for that were making him worse,.
I am not making any excuses at all for your husband but could it be something like this or is it just jealousy.

Don't stay with someone who is not making you happy - life is too short & GC grow up so quickly you need to be able to enjoy them in peace..

Sending you sympathy and hoping that you'll find the strength to move on without too much unhappiness.

I think you might be right, Craftycat, when you mention jealousy. As he knows the family don't like him and he is nasty about the GC to Miss2Mrs , it sounds as though he may want to drive a wedge between them and have her all to himself. What ever the explanation, I feel very sorry for the situation and don't think there's much chance of an improvement. Think of yourself and your family, Miss2Mrs, and I hope you can find peace and happiness again.

I have nothing to add to the excellent advice/ comments of others, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. A rotten, upsetting situation for you to have to face. Please let us know how it resolves.

Jinglebellsfrocks advice is good. do not let this drag on. Talk to your son, find out how to exit with your finances in tact. Citizens advice are helpful They have a good internet advice guide www.citizensadvice.org.uk/resources-and-tools/search-navigation-tools/a-to-z-of-advice/?h=separation&open=true

And will probably do a family relations half hour free surgery. Book in once you know your position re house and finance.

When he is in his own house and you in yours you may wish to reestablish a more informed friendship. he was probably keen on you because he wanted someone to look after him in his old age. The sight of you caring for grandchildren and expecting him to help care was too much. He does not want this and no ammount of therapy will help. This is my feeling.

You must leave him, for the sake of your sanity and of family unity.

Is he jealous and just wants to be the centre of your world without any distractions? Some people just can't cope with sharing. Although it seems the sensible thing to do would be to separate, this could be even more traumatic. No one can actually tell or advise you what to do, you have to make up your own mind.

He sounds like my father. Your grandchildren will remember this and will not forgive you if they believe that you enabled it. It took me years to forgive my mother and at 63 I still sometimes have flashbacks and questions that I will never get answers to, like how could she not notice that he had given away all my toys.
He remarried and now abuses his wife and I think that if his verbal abuse of me had been confronted he might not now be doing it.
Bullying will affect everyone around you. Your son and DIL would be negligent to allow him to have contact with him and it sounds as if they are on the ball and will prevent that. That might mean having to cut you out too.
It sounds as if you will get plenty of support if you get shot of him and the earlier the better. You have given him two years and he clearly has no intention of changing.

You poor soul, I really feel for you. To me it sounds like there is jealousy there too of your relationship with your grand children.
My advice is get yourself a lawyer or citizens advice on how to move forward, making sure you have taken care of number 1 first.

This is a verydistressing situation for you. I agree with granjura, it would be best to act quickly. Get this husband out of the picture, put up with all the upset that will cause you now and think six months /year down the line when it should all be over and you will be back to having good relationships with your family. They will know you have put them first.

I would not allow it, tell him it is unnaceptable, he sounds like a odious bully. Your Grandchildren cannot stand up for themselves so you need to do it for them. Tell him his behaviour must change, and you will put up with it NO more.

Feel very sorry for you Miss2Mrs. You are between a rock and a hard place. But your family should not be hurt in this and I think you have big decisions to make. Best wishes and thinking of you x

I don't know if anyone has suggested that your husband might be ill? Anemia or Diabetes, for instance can show up in irritable, illogical behaviour. Such a horrid situation to be in, and yes, the safety and wellbeing of your grandchildren come first.

Miss2Mrs, you have been on my mind all day, since reading your post this morning. It has moved me more than anything I have read before on Gransnet. I cannot add more to the advice you have been given, but I just wanted you to know that others out there are thinking about you and praying for you.

I remarried 14 years ago to a man who had never had children. We went through a very difficult patch, not helped by problems with my grown up son. At one point my husband threw at me....its him or me.....my retort, don't ever ask me that again because you will loose. My kids and grandkids will always come first with me. We now have a 2yr old grandson who dotes on his Pop, I sometimes feel he likes Pop more than me, ha ha. Seriously though, if I was I. Your shoes, he would be out. You cannot allow him to bully and abuse young children like that. It has to be your family first and the safety of the young ones. Get rid of him or risk loosing your own family. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.?????

I wish you well miss2mrs. You need to escape this bully. People don't change, even if they say they will.

I left my husband many years ago partly because of the way he treated my young son from a previous relationship. He was even jealous of his own daughter as a baby as she was getting most of my attention. People like this do not change.

My grandfather always seemed to be a fine man and had a wonderful second wife but when he got old he was " mean as a snake" she said. She had to divorce him she actually got scared of his behavior. Sad come to find out he had plaque in his carotid arteries.

I am sorry to say that he sounds like a horrid jealous bully. Perhaps the children emphasise his lost youth, impending old age and eventual demise.

Or, being charitable, perhaps your husband has worries or concerns he has not shared with you and these spill out in his behaviour.

I can't tell you what to do but would ask that you speak to a professional about this as it is too much of a burden for you to cope with. Perhaps you could encourage your husband do speak to someone (a GP could possibly arrange anger management classes).

I wish you well.

First time I have posted anything but felt compelled to do so as this must be such a disappointing and difficult situation for you Miss2Mrs. Whatever the reason for his behavior you cannot tolerate it damaging your relationship with your children and grandchildren - and indeed they must be protected from his bullying. Sounds as though you have a loving family around you to help you get through this. Really feel for you.

How does he behave with his own family and does he have a good relationship with them?

My mother remarried when she was 57 to a "charming" man who turned out to be a controlling bully. After too many miserable years she divorced him aged 64 and had 20 happy years without him.

If the signs are there it is better to leave the relationship sooner rather than later before things get even worse.

Update: now that emotions have settled a little, I have had a serious conversation with him. As a result, he took the issue to his CBT therapist who has helped him to understand what/why the incident happened. Yes, he's already having therapy for anger management. He understands that he has a problem but, as yet, he hasn't learned how to put the knowledge he has gained to good use! He does however, have a desire to change.
I am hopeful (not necessarily confident) that things will improve.
My sons are prepared to see this particular incident as a one-off event. None-the-less, hubby has been left in no doubt that if it happens again, he not only loses the trust and confidence of his stepchildren, he will probably lose a wife too.
Thank you to everyone for your kind and supportive comments, I really appreciate it. Xxx

Thank you for your update. You sound calm, sensible and level headed. I sincerely hope things improve for you all. Someone once said to me when I was going through family problems 'Travel hopefully' and I always found that an encouraging phrase.

mumofmadboys I love that phrase.

miss 2mrs that's hopeful news. People do change, especially if they display a willingness to try.