Child minding

To be honest I'm not sure why you want to. Your son and his wife sound awful and they must be giving the children a very warped idea of how you should be treated. They wouldn't be able to behave like this if you were a paid child minder, they are just taking advantage of you. Obviously you don't want to use the children as a weapon but this behaviour is quite unacceptable.

I actually think that they call me a gossip because telling friends how my son and dil treat the situation makes them annoyed because they dont want people to know how they are with me because, deep down they know its wrong

Your son sounds horrible. Where is the children's mother in all this? Do the other grandparents help out? I look after my granddaughter two days a week. Even when my daughter was pregnant I said I could do no more than two days. I don't know what to advise as your son is so unreasonable. Maybe a third party could mediate.

Tinytotx2, I think you should go to your doctor, and discuss this then you will be able to say that you have been told that you need rest/less work. My mother-in-law had "nerves" when ever she didn't want to do anything, but expected a lot from us, so I stated to have "nerve" problem as well since two could play at that game. It does sound as though your time is overloaded and an emotional and physical downtime is what you need. Look after yourself, your own health is important.

Although I've read through this thread, I haven't posted till now because, quite simply, I was so gobsmacked by your son's attitude and rudeness, I was rendered almost speechless.
And call your self a grandmother, you cant pick up having the kids and drop them when you feel like it Actually that's exactly what being a grandmother is. Not having the freedom to pick and choose when you have the children is the parents' role. You've been there and done that when you brought your children up. Now it's their turn. Hence that time-worn saying "it's lovely being a grandparent - you can give them back!"
they dont want people to know how they are with me because, deep down they know its wrong. Well, that says it all, doesn't it?
Do you know what? As I've been reading your account of your son's behaviour, particularly your post at 02:07:08, I have really wanted to punch him. Sorry, I know he's your son, but he is nothing but a nasty, selfish bully.

I think it's absolutely outrageous that you're being treated so badly by your family. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves! Unfortunately lots of us GPs are being held to ransom these days by our DC who are paying enormous mortgages. Both my DD and SIL have to work and consequently we've looked after our GS and GD since they were tiny for 2-3 days a week. In all honesty, this has taken its toll on our health. My DH never wanted the job of child carer and is now taking anti-depressants for the first time in 64 years. I feel like we're between a rock and a hard place. This is certainly not the retirement we expected to have.

Your son and wife are bullying you and using your grandchildren as weapons.

They're totally despicable!

You have two choices - either carry on being a doormat and being disrespected and ignored unless needed by them. Or regain your independence and enjoy your grandchildren on your terms.

You are doing them a fantastic favour. Stand up for yourself, don't be bullied.

I think you have to call their bluff. If you are really needing you like they seem to, they'll have to come round. You can't let the children be used against you because then the children will learn that it is acceptable behaviour.

Hi Tinytotx2. I have the same problem but have had it worse. From experience, email/text your two days each week and times, reason being for clarity!. Explain you are committed to other things on other days. You are not a slave, they are acting in an appalling manner. You risk a lot of hurt but he will be thrown into the big world of "you chose to have children, you should of thought about their care, not assume". Children, to me, are too quick in assuming and too quick then in condemning when us Nans dare to want our own lives. The reason I take this, rude but straightforward mannerism is because this generation don't understand any other language, it's either their way or no way, they need to appreciate us.

Tinytotx2 I agree with icanhandthemback.I have my GC regularly but if I say I can't have them'they are fine.if I was in your situation I would tell them to get out of my home until they can show me respect and that you love the GC but you will have them on your terms when your availabe. Give them a few weeks without a regular babysitter and perhaps they will rethink their attitude.

All this must be very painful for you, Tinytotsx2, and confusing, to say the least, for the children. What about an assertiveness course? It sounds like boundaries are needed. Good luck.?

What a horrible situation. I'm sorry to have to say that your son is a bully. When he comes back round you because he wants something - probably more childcare - you set the conditions and boundaries and stand up to him. I so agree with Maryeve.
Who is looking after them now anyway? Perhaps he's shot himself in the foot by trying to punish you by withholding access to your grandchildren. Stay strong and get the respect you need.

Are you paid? Sort him out, if he won't talk to you tell him to make alternative arrangements. Does he not realise just how lucky he is?

How sad that he is missing the very important point that he is removing a very special relationship with grandparents from his childrens lives, and that is such a selfish thing to do.

Huge sympathies, Tinytots. Your son and DiL need to join the real world where free childcare for GCs is considered by decent people to be a privelege for parents, not a God-given right to be demanded and bullied out of grandparents.

Tell him to find his own childcare!.
36 hours is totally ridiculous...he's having a laugh

This post and comments really hit home for me. For me, I know that I'm only a part of the power struggle and frustration that is going on in their house, and that the angry speech directed at me is probably what they want to say to each other. However, because of the estrangement which occurred when I stood up for myself, I'm going to go against the stream here, and say that keeping contact with your grandchildren is the first priority. Keep respectful and polite, say sorry but no when you have to, and state your boundaries calmly and respectfully. Wishing you love and luck.

As a practical move I think I agree with Fran 2051. This situation must be taking its toll on you. I suspect if you go to your doctor he or she WILL diagnose stress. And if you're not well you can't have the children as much as you have been.

I look after my twin GDs aged 4, 3 days a week and I'm really lucky that my DD & SIL appreciate it. They have said if I ever want to stop to say so.
I love my GDs but they are exhausting at times. I've just had a 3 week break and now looking forward to seeing them again. I'm also looking forward to them starting school in September.
I do think your son is totally out of line. I'm sure you were never consulted when they planned to have their children.

Please don't let your son and daughter in law treat you in this manner. They need you more than you need them . Talk about selfish , I don't know how you do it because I wouldn't . Stand your ground . Your son isn't speaking to you , good , you deserve to be treated better than this. You should be the one that upset with them not the other way round . Give them a taste of there own medicine and see how they like it .

He is using his children as a bargaining tool. I would just sit back and do nothing. I'm sure your gc are wondering why they are not seeing you and may ask their parents who hopefully will see the error of their ways. Could you phone and speak with your dil when you know your son is out. Don't ask about him but ask after her and your gc - don't come across needy and just end the call with a lovely to catch up etc. Phone again in a week or so and maybe ask to say hello to your older gc. Good luck.

I am sorry you find yourself in this position, we have done 14/15 years of child care for different grandchildren, mostly 1/2 days a week, but you made me think of my DOM. About 50 years ago when my daughter was very small I asked her if she could possibly have her for a day or two a week as I could do with a job to get together a deposit for a house, she said I had chosen to have the child and it was my responsibility to bring her up specially as I had a husband to keep me. I guess my children today would think I was from another planet if I said anything like that.

Your son has no respect for you, and if your son hasn't then his wife won't and eventually your grandchildren won't either .You don't deserve there disrespect you have done nothing wrong. So ungrateful. Don't contact them, don't look after your grand children either. You need to do tough love, it's going to be hard I know, but as long as you keep doing what they want you to do the longer they will keep treating you like dirt. Also don't worry about them not speaking to you, that's happened anyway and that's with doing the right thing by them so what have you got to loose .. nothing but you have much to gain

Ive asked twice today when will i see the children and i didnt get a reply, so i asked one more time and the reply was when they have decided so i dont need to keep asking....im furious so i said dont be so pig ignorant then...thats probably added another month of not being allowed to see them

You should stop asking because the more you ask the more he knows that it's getting to you . He's using the children and to be honest your playing right into his hands , he has the control and he knows it . Your son is not going to have respect for you if you continue to do this .